My heart feels heavy.
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@cassy-bits-and-pieces
My heart feels heavy.
Nakakapagod namang lumaban. Minsan talaga gusto ko nalang mawala bigla. Kasi ‘di ko maintindihan kung bakit.
Riley Samels on Instagram / Etsy
01 January 2021
Dear Journal,
Today is the first day of 2021 and it is a little bit different since I am not at home back in the Philippines. Usually, we just stay home in Macabebe while getting ready for our annual family trip. This day, I am in Australia. One month to go before my first anniversary here! Time does fly so fast.
Yesterday (31 December 2020), Uncle Stan and Granny had this crazy last minute activity planning for the 1st of January. They booked a ticket to the Phillip Island Nature Parks! I’m not even sure if I wanted to go but I’m glad I did ‘cause I love nature so much.
We first went to a port (I forgot the name) to see pelican feeding but we were too late. Anyway, that stopover was a total save since my tummy is acting up after taking Dulcolax last night. It was a wrong move for me to take two tablets the night before since we’re leaving the next day. I was not feeling well for the first 4 hours of our trip! I had like 3-4 trips to the public toilet!
I am so glad I felt okay when we went to The Nobbies in Summerlands as I was very mesmerised with the beauty of the place. The contrasting colours of the ocean, the land, the grass, and everything was so cool! Sadly, I don’t have a camera with me to really capture the scenery. Tablets and phones don’t really do their thing sometimes. So, I really have to invest in good gadgets next time, like GoPro and Nikon camera lenses. WORK HARD CASS!!!
After The Nobbies, we went to Churchill, chocolate factory, and the Cowes. In Cowes, we ate FISH AND CHIPS! It was really a thing here. I wonder if this kind of food would be a great business in the Philippines. Anyway, after eating we took a walk to the beach and of course I went to the toilet again. Hahaha!
When it was around 5:30PM, we decided to go to the Philip Island Nature Parks and wait to see the penguins. We arrived there early so we could get a good view of the penguins. The conservatory did not open until 7:00PM so Earl and I went to roam around the place. We also bought souvenirs from the shop there - Earl had a bracelet while I bought a necklace.
After the long wait, we were finally allowed to enter the place. While walking the boardwalk, we were able to see different wild life like wallabies, geese, seagulls, rabbits, and many more. We got our seats and waited for 2 hours. It is expected that the penguins will go home by 9PM as they only go home when there is not much light. So, 9PM came and there were only a few penguins arriving and they were too far from our seats. Most of the audience were so disappointed. We all thought there would be a stampede of penguins coming ashore but boy we were so wrong. Most of the audience stood up already and went to the boardwalks.
Thank God boardwalk site seeing was so much better as we were able to see the little penguins up close.
After that, we went directly straight home. We were all so tired. Thankful it was a very fast trip home.
I am very grateful for the beauty that the Lord has given us - the mountains, the ocean, the animals, and people. I wish we would be educated enough to properly take care of the wonderful place we’re living in.
Cheers,
Cassandra
P.S.
I don't have pictures of the penguins since it's not allowed to take photos. So the attached video was taken in The Nobbies.
When I feel sad, I sometimes just want to call random people in my contacts and tell them to stay. Like we don’t have to talk. I just want to know and feel someone’s presence.
[09.18.16] anatomy ch.1 notes! mini test tmrw and its 10:30 pm right now and i havent even started the 3 assignments for math :o
{20/100 days of productivity}
"Marami kang pangarap, wala ka lang aksyon"
It really broke my heart when I heard these words from someone who is very dear to me. Someone who is the reason why I keep on pushing myself to give them a better life. Someone who I want to be happy and not have anything to worry about in the future.
Here's my story. A lot of things happened already during my 23 years of existence and I know a lot will happen in the years to come. I was an achiever when I was in high school. I graduated on top of the class that time. So, college came and I was enrolled in one of the top 4 universities in the Philippines. I took BS Accountancy. Unfortunately, I didn't make it. I had personal reasons why I failed. My dad had a girlfriend, my childhood trauma resurfaced again and a lot more events that time distracted me from doing my best in my studies. Bottomline is, I FAILED. I WAS A FAILURE. I was so devastated when I learned that I couldn't continue the program anymore. I do not know what to do. I was ashamed of myself. Who would thought that someone who graduated top of her class would fucking fail in college? I FUCKING FAILED. AND I AM FUCKING AWARE OF THAT.
So, I tried to do a little different path so I could stay in the university (which later on I think was not a good decision). I don't know anymore. I took BSBA Financial Management, still something in the finance industry. I graduated in that program. I was happy I graduated like finally I now have my diploma but I'm not sure if I'm happy with what I finished.
After graduation, I prepared my papers and the requirements I need to study in Australia. Guess what I took? Master of Professional Accounting. Yeah, the one thing I failed back in my undergraduate degree. For once, I was feeling great that I'’l finally pursue what I first took back in the Philippines. This was only until I looked at the bigger picture. I couldn't stay in Australia if I'd pursue accountancy. My score would not reach the points needed to be invited to work in Australia. There comes the stress! A LOT OF STRESS! I couldn't sleep well. I couldn't think well. I'm afraid knowing that soon I might fail again.
I did my research. I looked what profession would help me get my PR in Australia. There comes nursing. The ceiling for nursing is so high as Australia needs a lot of nurse in the future. So, I decided to transfer to the nursing profession. I applied to universities and got an offer from two universities in Victoria. It's a risky take when it comes to applying another visa if I'd take a Bachelor's degree and is longer. If I'd take Master of Nursing Practice, I'll finish in two years time. Then I'll have a better change for PR. A better chance at life. A better chance in Australia to save money for myself and my family.
And I told them that I'll be transferring to another program again, to nursing. All I heard is "ano ba yan? Gagraduate ka pa ba or mag-aaral nalang forever?", "kelan ka pa magtatrabaho niyan?", "sayang yung five years na inaral mo!", and many more. The worst line that I heard was today, August 25, 2020, 12:15PM. I was talking to them about my nursing plan without them knowing that I'm already super stressed about it. Then I heard these fucking words, "Parang wala kang pangarap. Ay mali, marami kang pangarap! Wala ka lang aksyon!" PUTANGINA! What do you think I'm doing right now? Ginusto ko bang magulo yung path na meron ako? Did I even know that there are lots of obstacles in my way before reaching to the top? Did I even plan those? Those were not the words I expect hearing from you. 'di ko alam pero parang bumagsak yung langit sa akin that exact time.
Those words keep on ringing in my ears. And it made me cried a lot knowing that you don't understand me. You don't understand the fact that I fucking did it for you guys. I am hating myself for not knowing these circumstances in my life. I didn't have any clue that these things would happen. If I knew, I would have taken nursing in the first place. Your words keep on stabbing my heart.
ALL I NEED ARE YOUR WORDS SAYING "KAYA MO YAN! ONTING TIIS LANG!"
OH THE ACTUAL WORDS REALLY DID KEEP ME ALIVE AND KICKING. IT KEEPS ON POKING MY HEART. AND IT ADDED A LOT MORE STRESS IN ME.
ALL I NEED IS YOUR SUPPORT.
AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO GIVE ME THAT.
Cheers for hurting alone and overcoming it alone.
C.O.
I feel so dumb and used.
My list of reasons why I want to die already is getting longer.
C.O
I need a hug. Or two. Or 2827383838282818282.
And the worst part is, if you messaged me right now, I know I’d respond.
-simple-things
shout out to me in 5 years…hope shes doing something cool i’m rooting for her
Even if you call me and you’re too sad to talk I’ll listen to your silence.
Sana all...
Why do I try so much for people who won’t even try for me?
I’m having a hard time managing my workloads 😭😫