we're not kids anymore.
titsay
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Xuebing Du
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Product Placement
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One Nice Bug Per Day
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ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
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izzy's playlists!
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@castledrawing
I wanted to self isolate from assholes
no one cared about my broken self esteem and it just talking to my made me feel fucking stupid
he didnāt seem to think I actually liked him
and maybe it just seemed like I was just a game to him and fuck I didnāt want to hang out anyways
fuck this
it felt easy to lose interest in 345 when he confessed to having a drinking problem. Even easier when I ran into my long lost crush at the gas station.
this feels like an infection of the mind
I feel like no one loves me
what I am scared of doing is yet again allowing another toxic and damaged person into my life. I have something very important to do.
I think it was being abandoned. I feel like no one cares about. I feel like no one loves me. Iām trying to fix this. But this is not the type of person who can help me. This feelings like an unwise choice based on all of the information I have about him. I need to say no.
I realized that I wanted to change. Reading over my other Tumblr blog was a little scary and realized that I needed to keep as a reminder to not make the same mistakes again.
I let my mind think of 123 and compared him to xxx. They were born the same year which kinda weirded me out. What also wielded me out was the drinking issue. I thought 123 was very physically attractive when Iād first met him. I still did actually even if he was a bit out of shape, he was still fairly good looking and fun to spend time with but the problem was his drinking that had really killed things for me. And xxx had admitted to me he had a drinking problem too. I didnāt want to make the same mistake twice. I was also very physically attracted to xxx. I realized though that it would be unwise of me to stay in contact with and let myself fall in love. I knew better than to expect people to change. It is not typical of most people to be able to change. And from it looked like I was not changing either. Here I was deep in consternation over some problematic guy I hardly knew when Iād already worked through the trials of a toxic relationship over the early part of the summer. And now it was late summer and I was letting myself get involved with someone who had annulled his marriage about a week ago. This sounds just as bad as the first round. And felt like a love junkie still. And I didnāt want to be like this anymore. I knew the only way out was to learn to trust and work my way into a stable lasting relationship or find away to stay single and away from love. I knew I needed help out. I felt lonely. I see that now. This information seemed to be seeping from my pours. There was no way around it. Xxx did not seem like an appropriate choice. I couldnāt comfortably let someone who worked at a bar meet my parents and not have them immediately conclude him to be an alcoholic. No, they was no use beating around the bush about it. He was a low grade high functioning alcoholic. He probably needed my help to quit. He probably needed a different job if he wanted to quit. He probably needed to move to really change.
I felt like I needed to find a trust worthy boyfriend if I wanted to change. Someone I could feel safe around. Did I want to fix xxx? Did I want to save him? I already knew that I could not. I was not enough.
I felt the brokenness of the universe living deep inside my arm. It was hard to not believe it would never get better. My range of motion was not much better. I felt as if I had somehow fallen through the cracks and I felt sad and as if there was nothing I could do. I wanted to believe they would be able to fix me with further surgery but from what Iād read if bones heal incorrectly they stay that way.
Another Tomorrow
I realized that I needed more time to heal. More than anything I still felt scared that I would never recover. It was a sadness that lived inside of me wide awake and aching. But I kept quiet about it on the outside. I hid my injury as best I could and didnāt have much to say about it. But I had made very little improvements as fast as range of motion goes. I could still just nearly touch my face and overall it still looked about as fucked as ever.
Life at home was very different with the AC working. It was almost surreal looking out the bedroom window into the heat of desert while sitting cold and shivering wrapped in a towel after a bath. It still got hot but if you left the AC on and took a cool bath (there was no hot water anyways) you would get a little cold.
do you ever want to just curl up in Godās arms and not move for a long time?
did I want to stay this way?
It felt so nice to be home and back to my work and everything. It was a bit weird knowing I was free now and what it felt like to have ended up here was kind of interesting.
I wanted to stay happy and alive
if I kept care of the place and paid rent on time I could hope to have a normal life and slowly rescue my sad life
my new tumblr account seemed to be going well so far. Just a few random writings and almost no thoughts in my head as I sat in the corner of the library room.
I had checked out āInterview With The Vampireā and was hoping to strike out on a solo journey with what remained of the summer season. With it being 107 when Iād left home an hour ago or so it looked as if the sunny season was here to stay for now.
the DJ I had met in Sedona was still texting me on occasion. Honestly having a broken arm was kind of turning me off to the idea of dating. First of all I did not feel physically attractive, mostly my arm did not look normal. How the fuck long would it be un able to straighten? Or bend?
