I realized that I wanted to change. Reading over my other Tumblr blog was a little scary and realized that I needed to keep as a reminder to not make the same mistakes again.
I let my mind think of 123 and compared him to xxx. They were born the same year which kinda weirded me out. What also wielded me out was the drinking issue. I thought 123 was very physically attractive when Iād first met him. I still did actually even if he was a bit out of shape, he was still fairly good looking and fun to spend time with but the problem was his drinking that had really killed things for me. And xxx had admitted to me he had a drinking problem too. I didnāt want to make the same mistake twice. I was also very physically attracted to xxx. I realized though that it would be unwise of me to stay in contact with and let myself fall in love. I knew better than to expect people to change. It is not typical of most people to be able to change. And from it looked like I was not changing either. Here I was deep in consternation over some problematic guy I hardly knew when Iād already worked through the trials of a toxic relationship over the early part of the summer. And now it was late summer and I was letting myself get involved with someone who had annulled his marriage about a week ago. This sounds just as bad as the first round. And felt like a love junkie still. And I didnāt want to be like this anymore. I knew the only way out was to learn to trust and work my way into a stable lasting relationship or find away to stay single and away from love. I knew I needed help out. I felt lonely. I see that now. This information seemed to be seeping from my pours. There was no way around it. Xxx did not seem like an appropriate choice. I couldnāt comfortably let someone who worked at a bar meet my parents and not have them immediately conclude him to be an alcoholic. No, they was no use beating around the bush about it. He was a low grade high functioning alcoholic. He probably needed my help to quit. He probably needed a different job if he wanted to quit. He probably needed to move to really change.
I felt like I needed to find a trust worthy boyfriend if I wanted to change. Someone I could feel safe around. Did I want to fix xxx? Did I want to save him? I already knew that I could not. I was not enough.