Dix d'Épées @catasrophization-blog - Tumblr Blog

i kind of like existing in a vacuum

it is hard to describe

i don't even really know what i'm trying to say

?? that anon is getting to me again hmm

i do. make it really hard. don't i. or at the very least, really draining

im glad im depressed again

i still feel like talking abou t feelings on my main blog is making certain people resent me

im completely irredeemable and thats ok i dont expect anything more than that

thats it that is literally all i have accomplished in any and all endeavours i commit myself to

i ruined everything

they exercise a lot more freedom with certain aspects and stuff

and i wonder if isolating myself is the best thing to do

i mean

they're doing ok right

but i cant i just?? cant stick around being so mad and hateful i cant do it.

why can they but i cant. why

i guess i'm resentful of a few people i know who have very similar problems to mine but handle theirs differently

i have to keep this blog open to at least take note of moods and stuff

except i don't really know what to say

i was really angry yesterday and today but i'm not angry right now

i'm never angry when i'm alone

only when i'm actively trying to get attention and failing do i get mad

or when i feel threatened i guess

#the joke is i always feel threatened

i want to kill myself i cant do anything right ever why do i even try why do i even breathe

#suicide

you you you it's all about you and your whiny problems what about us we're more competent than you you're just a stupid whiny kid stop talking STOP TALKING

#just let me talk to myself

i need to pick myself up and at least pretend to be presentable for this lol but i feel so shitty

i'm so sick and tired and i feel threatened and abandoned by everyone fuckfuckfuck uuhggghghhh

it was a lot easier to say "they won't replace you" before wasn't it

when you believed it

#i want to correct the person change but i'm being mocked here

i should just sleep while i'm ahead lol soon i'll be a hysterical mess again

(i'm already halfway there)

i'm really tired and i could manage a nap if i didn't have homework

i really really want to cut my eye out

that'd make me feel so much better

#self harm

i cant be what she needs

i cant be what anyone needs

im such a fuckup

a disaster

i hate myself so much

i just hurt people

that is all i do

i hurt people if i isolate myself and i hurt people if i share my problems

im so tired of being here

just let me kill myself please

why would you keep me here, why would you want me here, i don't understand

i'll be happier dead, please

#suicide

all i'm capable of is failure

if i exist as far away from certain people as possible then i wouldn't affect them

if i was dead i wouldn't affect them

but they won't let me leave and they won't let me die

why don't they see i just want to fix the problem my existence has created

my entire life is a joke

i was ok with that for a long time because people pay attention to jokes right they laugh at jokes

somewhere along the line people stopped fucking laughing

"i'll do better" lol. yeah. ok. sure.

let's see how far that goes before i crash and burn

i can't do better it's all just fanciful lies and wishes i can never fulfill but i try anyway because i'm a sickeningly pathetic waste of existence

i can't do anything without it somehow hurting someone

fuck just let me die already i hate staying here i hate myself i can't do anything right

i want

to die

let me die

#suicide

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Dix d'Épées