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@cate-eblanchett
Cate Blanchett in Givenchy by Sarah Burton for the premiere of “Garance” at the 79th Annual Cannes Film Festival. A close up of her floral hanging thread embroidered halter-neck dress, with matching Bonbon gloves, and black and burgundy patent pointy pumps.
Catherine didn’t dare move a single muscle where she lay beneath the heavy fabric of the covers. Her hands were clasped rigidly at her sides, her posture as stiff and unyielding as her dark eyes flickered over the shadowed silhouettes of the furniture lining the wall. The silent, burning sting of unshed tears blurred her vision with every soft blink, yet she stubbornly refused to acknowledge the desperate swell of emotion threatening to shatter her composure entirely. She had allowed her armor to drop — she had permitted those raw, unfiltered truths to escape her lips — but she refused to completely unravel. Not here. Not now. She listened in the dark as her confession drifted across the space between them, hitting the blonde with the weight of a genuine surrender. Catherine’s brow furrowed in a subtle, unconscious ache, her lips parting slightly as if to catch her breath as Cate’s voice suddenly echoed back through the quiet room.
Catherine softly closed her eyes as each confession, each raw reality, struck her in the dark. And god, how she had missed the unfiltered softness that was finally releasing from Cate's voice. She mapped the cadence of that familiar accent, completely stripped of the sharp, defensive edge it usually carried — the very edge Catherine knew she was responsible for creating, for the most part. The Welsh woman silently swallowed the bitter lump in her throat. It was a devastating, quiet truth: even when you love someone, even when you are the one who inflicted the wounds, suddenly the most agonizing part of existence is simply looking at them. To exist in the same space without a single word, even in passing. That was what this entire trip had already been — a heavy, simulated haunting. Lying here in the dark, finally letting the truth bleed out between them, was almost less painful than the simple act of looking at one another "I miss you, too... Cara mia." The words escaped Catherine’s lips mere seconds after they had left Cate's. It was an instinctual, second-nature response — a trigger that had been coiled tightly within her chest, simply waiting for the permission to be released. It came out as a soft, fractured whisper; a sound Cate would undoubtedly hear, but one that felt utterly devastating in its lack of defense. There was no armor left tonight. Not for either of them. She could still hear the desperate plea lingering in Cate’s voice, a delicate invitation to step into an unknown neither of them truly understood. It carried the terrifying realization that even if they tried to move forward, the fragile structure of how things used to be would be gone forever.
Catherine closed her eyes shut again, a sharp ache pressing behind her lids. Once upon a time, before the cruelty and the hurt, before the dark, protective clothes they wore like shrouds, they had just been two women. Two women who could laugh through an entire evening, who could watch Gone with the Wind on repeat and quote the lines together until the sun went down. They had been so utterly consumed by one another that their fire flamed brilliant and fierce, visible even from a distance. And yet, she couldn't even pinpoint when that magnificent thing had begun to collapse. When the quiet rot had set in, or when the communication had suddenly dried up. It was never one-sided, even if Catherine had spent a long time pretending it was to save her own pride. She let the remainder of Cate’s words hang in the heavy air between them — the beautiful, desperate plea to stop the bleeding. The impossible, intoxicating idea that maybe, just maybe... one day, they wouldn’t have to remain such absolute strangers. And maybe, maybe that could begin right here, with their walls so crushed down.
And she didn’t want to disappear from Cate's life — of course she didn’t. Nor did she want Cate to vanish from hers. But those desperate desires felt locked in a constant, violent contradiction with the hollow ache that still settled deep within her stomach every time she remembered exactly where they had landed themselves. Before her blurred vision or her overthinking mind could catch up, Catherine shifted. Her body turned a mere second after Cate's quiet request — a natural, purely visceral response that overrode her defenses before she could even begin to regret what she was about to face. Who she was suddenly facing. Cate. Catherine’s own raw, reddened eyes flickered across the space, instantly mapping the blonde’s features in the faint moonlight. She saw it immediately — how that exact, agonizing ache lingered within Cate, too. It was a terrifying revelation, realizing how devastating it was simply letting their gazes collide for more than just a split second of passion or anger. Here they lay, separated by the clinical distance between two separate beds, the current of anxiety running rampant through both of them. And their eyes... they were so profoundly sad. They were flooded with a great, ancient sort of mourning, yet beneath all that jagged pain, they remained undeniably soft. t. Beneath the wreckage, they were still those same two women who had been falling in love, far before the avalanche ever struck.
"Okay..." That first word left her dry, parted lips like a gentle whisper, her brow still tightly furrowed with an uncontrollable, heavy ache. "I just—" She paused, drawing in a measured breath. "I just don't want to continue this war between us. I really don't, Cate." A quiet beat hung between them. "I never did." Her eyes flickered away just for a moment, trying to outrun the racing thoughts that blurred her mind, trying to escape the agonizing intimacy of looking directly into those bloodshot, blue eyes — the very eyes she used to spend hours tracing when they lay in bed together. "I don't know how..." Catherine's voice fractured slightly, her gaze locking back onto Cate's. "But I don't want you becoming just a passing ship in my life that I simply let sink." She pressed her lips firmly together, her composure fracturing just enough to let a single, tiny drop of wet heat track a path down her cheek. "As painful as it is."
The Aussie actress didn’t dare even to breathe. She remained perfectly quiet and still, as if the slightest movement or the smallest sound might scare Catherine away again and cause her to close the fragile little window she seemed to be trying to open. If only Catherine could hear or feel the frantic beat of Cate’s heart in that moment, she would understand the effect her silences, her words, and every subtle reaction had on the blonde. Once again, Cate was walking on eggshells, trembling inside while lying perfectly still on that bed. The distance between them seemed to grow larger with every passing second.
She didn’t know what was worse: the old habit of biting her nails or the urge to smoke. She had fallen back into both, yet right now she couldn’t light a cigarette. Instead, she nervously brought her thumb to her thin lips and started nibbling at the nail as she waited for any new signal, any small hint from the woman in the other bed. A dreadful silence fell over the room again. No words. No sounds. The eternity in hell must feel like this, the blonde thought bitterly. She was accepting her failure once more. She was about to roll over, bury herself under the sheets, and pretend she hadn’t made a fool of herself again by begging for the other woman’s attention. She was turning when the voice from the other bed echoed softly through the room. Did she hear correctly? Or was it all in her head? Then came the words, warm and familiar: “Cara mia.” Catherine had really said it. Cate shut her eyes tightly, replaying those two words in her mind. The hand that had been against her mouth slowly slid down to rest over her chest. There was a certain warmth, a painful familiarity in that phrase that almost broke her. But she couldn’t let it. She couldn’t scare Catherine away again… so she stayed quiet, biting her lip hard enough to draw blood, stifling the sob rising in her throat. The urge to jump out of her bed, crawl onto Catherine’s and sit beside her — asking questions, making her talk, making her laugh — was overwhelming. Yet she couldn’t. She had to remain there, quiet, still… distant. But Catherine had to know, she need to show her something, so Cate let out a sigh, a deep one coming from her chest “it’s been a while” she mumbled referring to the “cara mia” that probably had escaped from Catherine’s lips by accident and still it felt so good.
Turning towards the other woman, she could see her factions through the dark, the natural illumination coming from the window was the perfect lighting for her, she looked perfect from every angle and under any lighting, her dark hair framing that perfect face, she could see her very well, sadly, she couldn’t read her anymore. She felt she had lost that ability and it hurt. The blonde sat up slightly, she pulled the sheets off, the heat she was feeling as result of the nerves, the stress, the alcohol, the adrenaline. She moved slightly, carefully… she didn’t want to scare the other woman away, she wouldn’t not approach her, she stayed in her bed, facing her and listening at last more than two words. They came slow, like a painful torture burning her inside slowly, but at least they were coming. Cate stayed motionless for a long second, almost afraid that any sudden movement would shatter the moment. Her chest felt too tight, her throat raw from holding everything in. “…I never wanted a war either,” she whispered, her voice hoarse and trembling. “I don’t know how to do this either,” she admitted, a weak, broken smile touching her lips for just a heartbeat. “But I’d rather try… I don’t know how… I feel like I don’t know you anymore… if you could help me… if you could open up a little and try to do this,,,” Cate’s fingers curled tightly into the sheets, fighting the urge to reach out. Her voice dropped even softer, almost fragile and the distress was evident in her voice, her subtle movements and the way she kept looking down scared to look up at Catherine just to ruin the moment “I need you to help me to do this… I won’t jump off this ship if you don’t want me to… but I need signals, I need to know how to do it without breaking it again, without running it... again” She said it like a prayer, like she was testing if the words would still be allowed. “I’m right here. Still. Even if it hurts. Even if we don’t know how to fix it yet… I’m still here.” She paused, searching Catherine’s eyes with quiet desperation. “Just… don’t close the door again. Please. Let me in… slowly maybe… but let me in” she begged.
jessica: i will never get tired of hearing you call me gorgeous jessica: distance, work...kids....just everything! real life just getting in our way. everytime we attempt to do something, the universe just tells us no. our hearts are going to keep being broken. jessica: okay! good, that's still something? are rehearsals going well? everyone going to the stage and here i am, in front of the camera. i was about to ask about the broken heart, but i'll refrain. still trying to arrange a trip to italy! working, hoping to spend some time with the kids that isn't rushed.
jessica: and i never get tired of calling you like that, you're still the most gorgeous woman so, get used to it. jessica: i know darling. there are a lot of things, situations and people that keep us away from each other, but we will manage it and some of these days we will be able to be in the same place at the same time. and if not, we need to set up a FaceTime date soon! jessica: rehearsals are being great! intense and exhausting as you would expect but i love it. i love to end the day exhausted and thinking how good and intense the day was. you're getting tickets for our opening night. you need to come back to the stage, darling. it misses you. mmmh, darling. if you have a remedy or something to forget someone and to stop being in love, please send it to me. i need it. jessica: oh! italy! i love it!! when are you leaving?
how's things with someone as amazing as you going ? ever get in those times where you're not working on anything and you're almost trying to figure out how to keep busy ? i'm one so used to working that free time still always feels weird to me. of course my wife and kids keep me plenty busy but.. just that always working mindset, you know ? ( @cate-eblanchett )
Hi, handsome guy!! Things are pretty great here! How are you? Tell me everything. Mmmhhh... I've been there multiple times, darling. That's exactly why I can't keep my promise of retiring anytime soon. I need to be doing something; otherwise, I start losing my mind, so I completely understand what you're talking about. Is it because we're actually workaholics? I'm not sure. I don't tend to think too much about it. But I can assure you that I start going a little crazy when I'm at home for long periods of time, and then it makes me feel guilty—because why would I want to be away from home for so long? I don't know. It's a vicious circle. But I love what I do. I'm obsessive about this career. doest it happen for you in the same way?
always making my day with your kind words. it has and i am as well, it sucks because you are my fave to spend time with during fashion shows - or just meet up with during. yes, we need this! i believe so, might need to see them sometime, hmm?
what a coincidence because your face is one of my favorite ones to see during fashion shows. you always bright up anyone's day. How are you, tell me? if you are in london, we could reunite soon, in case you're not, well, i need all the details about your life now.
All your babies are so lucky to have you in their life. You are the best mum. I don't think I could ever come and see you and not be surrounded by babies either. It is insane how quickly they have grown. I do, yes. I was spending like all my time there, so it made sense. And now we are looking for our forever home. I will for sure need you to help. I value your opinion so much. You really are the best ever.
Please, tell them that the next time you see them, share with them how i am such a cool mom, the youngest ones don't think the same so, please let them know you think I am cool. But thank you, darling. Thank you for being such a sweetheart and always saying things i need to hear. i love you. Wait —I haven't asked. Where are you settling down? New York? LA? London? give me a clue but no matter where, I can help you with anything you need. The house haunting, the decoration, the contacts. whatever you need, sweetheart.
To: @zcndayaclmn
From: Cate B
it's just going to be our vibe anytime we're together, especially on trips and i'm all for it. it was the best time and needed, i loved it all for us and hope it's not the end. we were such a catch in so many ways, honestly. i adore us. i'd easily give you more of my time, just say the word and it'll happen. oh, yes, exactly. my boys are my world now but i'm also appreciating when i get trips, do work or hand with friends and such — just me, it's needed sometimes. it's nice to have a break from being mom and just be us for a bit. the flight was nice but i got some work to take care.. back to filming.
I would love to share that vibe with you every time we are in the same room. I know I love getting a little chaotic when i am in a party with some friends and a few drinks involved. but we don't have to wait until the next awards seasons or another trip, right? we could do it sooner because i'd very much appreciate your company, we can complain about our kids together and then remind each other why we love to be moms no matter all the mess that i can be sometimes. when are you back to filming? what is your next project? and why is it not with me...yet?
Oh my god, you have to show me all of them. I loved it when she came to see us on set and getting to play with her. I still can't cope with how big she is now. Eleven? It's insane! I am in London right now. Actually, moved in with Andrew and now we are looking for a place that will be our forever home. So just say when I will be over to try this new cake recipe.
I can't cope with the idea of not having babies at home, which is why I keep adopting. Anyone who heard me joking like this would probably cancel me! I'm kidding, of course. What is true, though, is that I feel very nostalgic about how fast my kids are growing up—all of them, and you included! You live with Andrew now? God, that's incredible! How are you feeling? I remember how exciting it is to go house hunting and try to find the perfect place to share with the person you love. If you need any help, you know I'm always available. Come over and you'll get to try it, darling.
It's total bullshit. And you're so on the nose with all of that, truly. I think i've heard more about the process of "method" through a male lens, then i ever have otherwise. It's exactly that, self indulgent to their own ego. Yet you have these incredible woman, pouring every inch of themselves on screen and telling you their process in such dissection and it just doesn’t get enough credit, like you said, we're juggling so much in between building these characters without having to use the cop-out of not knowing how to balance. It always rubbed me the wrong way, especially when it's still taught in acting schools. I remember way way back when, i was in an audition room for a screening test, and the actor who i was about to read with went on a whole tangent about how he believed it was the only "real" way to truly become your character and i wasn’t at all subtle with the eye-roll i gave him....safe to say i didn’t get the part, and i wasn’t about to suck up and praise him to get it. But total bare minimum. It's insane. Anyway, i could easily rant about this for hours. And honestly, open a bottle of wine with me and we will.
I mean it, exhibit A on what i mean with someone pouring so much energy, mentality and homework into this woman, giving her such life in a raw way and you did it so effortlessly to the audience. It's a masterclass ! If i could jump inside anyone's mind for a day, man...would i be jumping straight into yours. I just think the fact you can hold something as worrying about a brass section and then the every day, simple worries of a parent, it's just bananas. How long were you training for, i just can't even begin to wrap my head around the process, but i need to put visit the berlin symphony next time i'm there. Hey, spoons are the perfect conducting sticks in my opinion. I bet you could conduct with fruit and it'd be beautiful. So already a creative flock ! Is he an acto toor ? You gave them an outlet, and honestly i think that's the greatest thing a parent can give a child. I've always been such a believer that all kids should be exposed to art more, doesn’t matter who their parents are or where they come from. The world would be far brighter with it. Oh that bug Gnawed to the bone. And both still terrify me. But I just loved acting a total fool with sketch comedy improv, you know. No limits ! and it's definitely something i miss doing far more these days. Cate, i'm way a head of you on that one, it's why i do a lot of voice work. I may even prefer acting behind a mic, but i got an animation i produced picked for a season a couple years back, about a very chaotic mom, me, called the "the harper house" So i think i need to circle back on it, revamp something new where it's these woman navigating the world it the wackiest of ways. Well shoot, i had no idea you were running after a toddler these days, you'd be a mad woman to juggle anything else ! But i get it, there's a satisfying feeling getting to open doors for others, having that power to give others opportunities they possibility couldn’t get otherwise. And i know you do a lot with that too, and i gotta tell you that i really admire that about you, especially. You didn’t let the stress consume you, that's the main thing; and i mean, scripts with a view after a dip, babe that was exactly what you needed. Hopefully things can calm a little, but i get how life can be sometimes. If you're still stressed though, i've got very effective gummies with your name on them. I, on the other hand am very back to reality too, i'm busy with a couple emmy fyc related events and i have the gotham award on monday, just still drifting off, thinking about how i wish i were laying in that cancun sand instead.
See, that's exactly the sort of story that makes me believe my skepticism was justified. Imagine being trapped in an audition room listening to that speech with a straight face. I don't know how you managed it for as long as you did. And you're right, it's always struck me as a rather convenient philosophy when the burden of it seems to fall on everyone around them. Meanwhile, so many brilliant women are doing equally transformative work without making their entire existence collateral damage. Also, losing the part because you couldn't hide the eye-roll feels annoyingly on brand and oddly admirable at the same time. I'd absolutely hear the full rant over a bottle of wine.
That’s what we do and I am pretty sure it’s exactly what you love to do in order to prepare for a character. it’s part of our craft, our passion and the things that keep us alive in this career. I think the whole preparation for Tár was about four years from the first moment we started talking about it, the preparation and the demanding hours on set. I kept the best of it, not an Oscar but two amazing friends forever, Tod and Nina. They are part of my daily basis now. Oh no, no. My oldest is not an actor…yet. He is helping with production in most of our projects, he is a brilliant child. The youngest one is who recently told me he wanted to be an actor and start soon with his first jobs. I am terrified in some way but at the same time, I know he will be amazing. Since a very young age, I saw it coming. He is a creative soul and I know edith, my older daughter will be following these steps too but she is only ten. Oh, sketch comedy and improv are terrifying in the most exhilarating way because there's absolutely nowhere to hide. The thrill of it is half the reason people keep going back. Would you be into doing more comedy? or what is your favorite genre? And see, this is exactly why voice work suits you so well. You get to be completely ridiculous without worrying about what your face is doing. The Harper House sounds very much like the sort of chaos I'd expect from you, and I fully support bringing back a world full of women making questionable decisions with great confidence.... and thank you, darling. That means a lot. Opening doors for people feels worthwhile when this industry can be so absurdly difficult to navigate. Gummies? The kind of magical gummies?,mmmh why not? i might need them. I suspect that's a conversation best had after your Emmy events and the Gotham Awards. It's terribly unfair that reality insists on returning just when we've gotten comfortable doing absolutely nothing.we’re lying here.. we are always doing something, creating something even when we’re trying to be lazy. Aren’t we?
There is, and think we learn as we deal with things. Learn who we are for ourselves. If there's one thing I've learned I really needed to learn who I am to be able to be a better partner. They are, they like to make stories happen where they don't belong, put values on who is better, who is almost the winner of the relationship because one chose them. It's a bit odd to me, like we're just like anyone else attempting to have normal relationships. Sounds like you're speaking from experience? The terribly complicated bit. You're right there are people who never find themselves because they spend so much time running from it, which I do think is more sad - in a not pathetic way but genuinely heartfelt way. Feel like everyone deserve to really know themselves and feel that peace. Mexico is one of those places that you just can't help but love every time you end up there. Think it was a great trip but being back in London is always nice. I've never minded other than in the the heatwaves can be brutal bastards. Thankfully keeping busy enough looking for houses right now which maybe we'll get lucky and find a place that can take having an air con system installed.
I think I probably am speaking from experience, yes. The older I get, the more convinced I am that knowing yourself is one of the kindest things you can do for both yourself and the people you love. Otherwise, you end up asking relationships to answer questions they were never meant to answer. I completely agree about the stories people invent around relationships. It's odd how quickly people want to assign narratives to what are usually just two people trying to figure things out together. Mexico does have that effect on people. I always leave wanting to come back. Though I understand the relief of getting home to London too. Best of luck with the house hunt—finding a place you love is hard enough without having to factor in increasingly ridiculous heatwaves. I am in currently in London too and hopefully all of us can reunite soon. I miss your lovely girlfriend so much.
Catherine stayed unmoving amongst her bedding, the silk sheets twisting faintly beneath the subtle, anxious twitching of her fingers. Yet, the moment that practical warning had left her lips — the second she had questioned Cate's ability not to drink the entire minibar instead of saying what she actually meant — everything she had truly wanted to confess was instantly burnt to ash. Frankly, she wished nothing had left her lips at all. Her gaze drifted back down, tearing away from the Aussie the split second she watched the blonde's fingers tighten around the glass. Catherine's dark brown eyes stayed stubbornly put over pages she couldn't even register. Yet, there was a desperate safety to just... pretending. From the periphery of her vision, she could see Cate moving across the room, stepping toward the separate bed. As those frantic movements etched themselves indelibly into Catherine’s brain, each aching word that left Cate's lips made her chest feel heavier, tighter, more suffocating. Yet, her gaze remained fixed. She had mastered the art of non-acknowledgment — not out of coldness, but out of pure, unadulterated fear. She knew emotions were dangerously high. Their respective masks were slipping in entirely different ways, and the raw vulnerability behind these hotel walls had reached an all-time, heartbreaking peak.
“If this was revenge, I must admit you do it so well. You win and I got what I deserved.”
It was those words. Those exact, bleeding words that echoed and rang brutally through her ears.The accusation made Catherine simply let her eyes fall closed. She didn’t feel like a winner. God, she felt like a woman utterly consumed by terror. It was as though every piece of her legendary armor, every practiced ability to cast herself as stoic and cold, had completely vanished. Beneath the black silk, she was just a woman trying desperately not to snap the final, fraying string holding her together. And then, silence fell. It was louder this time. The air felt impossibly sharp, and the suffocating heat of the room didn't help; all she could hear was the faint, rhythmic crash of the waves through the open window and the light, clinical clink of Cate's glass. Catherine's eyes fell back open. The strain behind them was immense, her gaze desperately clinging to the shadows on the ceiling for a brief, utter moment before she finally closed her book. The movement was gentle, quick, as she let the novel sit upon her nightstand, and switched the lamp beside her off. She turned her entire body, letting her head lay low against the pillow, intentionally facing completely away from Cate's side of the room.She felt something thick and painful catch in her throat, wanting so desperately to let out a breath she had been trapping for hours. A sudden, hot wetness slid over her cheek, staining the silk of her pillowcase, but her body did nothing to stop it. She simply lay in her own grief, frozen.Catherine closed her eyes once more, listening with acute, agonizing precision to every brief movement Cate was making across the room. She kept repeating the same bitter lie to herself, over and over again — convincing her aching heart that this was for the best, that tomorrow they would simply go back to avoiding one another. That cate was just being lead by the several glasses of alcohol. Nothing more.
But no part of her body could rest, nor could it even begin to find sleep. Her mind was entirely wired, trapped inside the cage of her own silence. It was a silence that, for once, felt less like armor and more like a surrender — a desperate choice to stop throwing oil onto a fire, even when there was simply nothing left to burn. The Welsh woman was utterly exhausted; her heart was silently, entirely shattered. As her eyes fluttered back open , those final, defeated words from Cate hit her all over again. You don't have to deal with this ever again. Catherine wanted to hold her breath. She wanted to squeeze her eyes shut and simply disappear from the wreckage of this nightmare. She wanted the hot, silent tears pooling onto her pillow to evaporate her entirely. She squeezed her eyelids tight, hoping the physical strain would finally force her to drift away from this emotional warfare. And then. DING.
The sudden, harsh glow of her phone screen sliced through the suite. Behind the slight strain and burning redness of her eyes, Catherine caught the name illuminating the display. At first, it took a painful second to register that it was Cate. Cate. A wave of profound confusion washed over the dark-haired woman, her brows creasing deeply as she gently reached out into the cold air for the device. With the back of her trembling hand, she hurriedly wiped the cold, dried tears from her cheek before her thumb pressed against the glass, unlocking the phone to face whatever parting shot Cate had left her. Catherine read it. And again. And again. She read it while the faint, tragic whispers from across the room still echoed in her ears. She read those clinical, detached initials through the thick, suffocating silence until a gentle, double inhale finally caught her. She could feel her entire body begin to vibrate; she could feel a terrifying numbness travel all the way to the tips of the fingers holding the phone. And finally, with a fractured, hollow shudder, she let that breath she'd been holding in for hours, out.
Catherine didn’t talk just yet. With a trembling thumb, she typed back a clinical, devastating "I'm sorry." She let it send, watching the screen illuminate with the delivery confirmation, hearing the sharp, electronic ping echo from Cate's side of the room. She let that silence fill the suite until it became a physical pressure she could no longer endure. "This isn't some cruel game I am playing..." Her voice finally drifted through the dark, low and smoky, carrying the heavy texture of a velvet curtain drawing shut. She could feel the burning heat rushing to her cheeks, but she stubbornly refused to grant a sob the satisfaction of escaping. Her teeth caught the plush edge of her bottom lip as her eyes hooded closed. Her silhouette remained rigidly turned away, a dark shadow carved against the mattress, while her gaze bled back down into the cold, digital ink still glowing on her screen. "I don't want you to disappear," she admitted, her voice cracking under the sudden, immense weight of the confession. "I don't want this to be how things remain between us. God—" She cut herself off, a slight, quiet frustration hitching in her chest. "I just—" She swallowed hard, fighting the suffocating air for breath. "I just don't know where we... how do you go back to where we left things ? Even as friends. When looking at one another is just as painful" Catherine went entirely silent for a beat, letting the stillness rush back in to swallow them both. When she spoke again, her signature velvet voice was fractured into something entirely unrefined, almost unrecognizable. "I feel like everything is... broken," she murmured into the dark. "And I know you feel that too. Trying to force the shattered pieces back into place will drive us both insane. It already has."
Cate surrendered, she thought she had given up and was talking to herself internally trying to sooth the hurricane of emotions that was making her feel unwell. The sound of her heart beat was becoming more intense, the sensation in her gut was making her feel the desire to throw up. She had just sent a text, not committed a crime. Why she felt that altered? her body curled tightly toward the edge of the bed as if trying to disappear into the mattress. Her eyes were wide open, fixated on the wall as she imagined what Catherine was thinking or doing with such a stupid thing she did. She could be a child sometimes, she was never taking things a grown up, she was accusing herself when the soft ping of Catherine’s reply had sliced through the dark like a blade, and for a long moment she simply stared at the glowing screen, tears blurring the words. She finally got brave enough to open the text “I’m sorry.” Those two words had landed heavier than any silence before them. Her chest ached with a strange mix of relief and sorrow. She read the these three words over and over again. She suddenly had lost any capacity to react. She was blank. Her phone still in her shaky hand and her eyes on the screen trying to fugure out what she was supposed to do now. Until Catherine’s low, velvet voice echoed in the room and something inside her got alert. Cate didn’t move, she was frozen still against her pillow and her back towards Catherine. She didn’t turn immediately, she was not that brave yet. Instead, she wiped her face with trembling fingers, drawing in a shaky breath.
The sea breeze drifted through the open window, carrying the scent of salt and night jasmine, cooling the fevered heat on her cheeks. Slowly, Cate pushed herself up on one elbow, the yellow silk of her nightgown slipping off one shoulder. Her blonde hair fell messily across her face as she finally turned toward the other bed, toward the dark silhouette that still refused to look at her. She cleared her throat trying to sound like a normal person and not the mess she was inside but she needed to speak, she needed to say more. “I don’t want to force anything,” she said softly, her voice hoarse but gentle, this time without a glimpse of accusation or reclaim, she was too glad to hear Catherine’s voice that perhaps it was the only thing that mattered at that moment. “I’m not asking you to pretend nothing happened, or to magically put us back where we were. I know… I know how impossible that is. I just…” she made a long pause and look up at the ceiling as she waited for someone superior to help her to find the right words and the right way to say them without ruining the moment and pushing Catheirne away as she always used to do “I am sorry” she whispered with her voice broken. “Every time I look at you it hurts, too. Like pressing on a bruise that never heal and maybe never will...” She paused, swallowing hard, and sat up a little more, hugging her knees to her chest beneath the covers. Her blue eyes shimmered in the faint moonlight spilling from the terrace. “But I can’t bear the thought of us vanishing from each other’s lives completely. Not like this. Not with only silence and regret between us.” Her tone was quiet, almost tender, as if afraid a single harsh word might shatter the fragile bridge Catherine had just offered. “I know…everything does feel broken... But maybe… maybe we don’t have to fix it all tonight. Or even pretend we can. I just… I just want us to stop hurting each other more than we already have.” A fresh tear slipped down her cheek, but she wiped it away as she kept her gaze fixed on the curve of Catherine’s back, willing her to feel the sincerity behind every word. “I miss you,” Cate whispered, trying to be honest and not pretending that she was fine with the way they treated each other. “Not the version of us that was complicated and passionate and messy. Just… you. Talking to you. Hearing your voice without it being wrapped in armor or fear. If friendship is too much right now, then maybe we start smaller. Just… no revenge… no winning or losing. Just two people who once meant something real to each other… trying not to disappear.”
She let the words settle between them, the only sound the distant waves and her own uneven breathing. Then, very softly, almost pleading, she added: “Will you look at me, darling? Even for a moment? I’m not going anywhere tonight… and I don’t want you to, either we can't be the same we were before... but maybe a new beginning? a new attempt to be not only civil to each other. i hate that fucking word... just two strangers that are glad to have the opportunity to get to know better" Cate was shaking, she was trying to find some comfort tightening the embrace of her knees against her chest. She was risking too much again, risking to her rejection again but she knew she couldn't keep going with the anxiety questioning everything over and over again. Ths was decisive, she was about to know if it was the end for good or a new beginning...perhaps not as lovers, not as a toxic couple...even not as a close friends... but as two people who were willing to be something. Not two strangers with harsh feelings for the other.
As much as I hate to admit it? It does sound like an awful joke and again I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. If I would have know, I would have offered up my room for you to come hide away from the ex. The other despises you though? Hopefully you're done with those kind of days and nights for the rest of the year. I'm manifesting that you won't ever have a repeat again. Mind if I ask who she is? Aww, sweetheart — you know you can share anything with me if you'd like and if you don't? I'll also respect that boundary. Not bored of you at all! I'm all ears if you want to vent and talk about the very long story. If not, I'll offer up being a great distraction. My favorite part? Probably laying out in the sun and the food. Also, definitely their cocktails. We certainly do have London now! I would really love that though. Going to Japan and Disney? That sounds like such a grand time and I'm sure the girls are going to enjoy their time out there with you. Greece as well with your littlest one? That sounds so lovely — might be a little envious there. It's sweet that you're getting that one on one with her though. You know, I'm not quite sure yet. Might head back to the states at some point and hang out with Cole and his family. We're also waiting to see if we're getting a second season of 'Dutton Ranch' and if get that green light, I know my last bits of summer will be spent in Texas. Tonight? Sure, I can be free tonight. Do you have a place in mind?
If I ever write my memoirs, the chapter about this period of my life would be quite something, probably the perfect plot for a movie. The kind with the saddest, most tragic ending to a love story that never really got the chance to begin. Oh, Lord, you're the sweetest. Do you know that? That's one of the kindest things ever. I would never have dared to bother you like that. By the way, who was your roommate? Did the two of you end up bonding? And of course you can ask. I tend to tell you everything whenever we talk. You might know her....everyone knows her. She's very famous. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Pretty bad, huh? A pair of gorgeous eyes and a tall, thin, dark-haired woman nearly destroyed me. You're just incredibly kind, and I don't know how I'll ever repay you for that kindness. Do you remember those long nights when I'd text you in the middle of the night? In some ways, you really saved me and you didn't even know it. I'm with you on the cocktails part. Not so much on the sun, though, the sun is practically lethal for my skin. But the weather was lovely. That's the best way to do it, really, getting all the kids together and traveling as a family. So I'm making sure they all come with me to Japan, and after that they'll be free to spend the rest of the summer however they want. Greece is always the perfect escape. I usually go there every summer with friends, so if you'd like to join us, I would be absolutely delighted. A few days in paradise would probably do you some good too just in case you don't have more exciting plans, of course. And I'm sure you're going to get the green light for a second season. From everything I've seen, both audiences and critics seem to be loving the first one. Tonight it is then! you can come to my place or we can go to a small and cozy restaurant near the downtown. i know the owner and he makes the best bread in city. It's up to you, sweetie.
Oh god, sharing a room with an ex? That does sound absolutely dreadful. Especially if you're not on good terms. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that while on vacation. Do you want to talk about it or do you just want to forget it all happened? I'm hoping that you do get to return and truly enjoy yourself and the gorgeous location. I am in London! You are?? We will have to get together then! School is still in session for them? Any plans for the summer? Keeping the kids busy during summer is so important, I think. I have many friends that ensure their kiddos keep their brain active even during the summer, that way they learn responsibility. I completely agree, you just let me know when and where.
It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Or maybe something straight out of a horror movie, especially when you feel like the other person despises you. I honestly don't know how we got through it. They were probably the most tense and awkward days and nights of my life and i am sure it was the same for her. Funny because I haven't really talked about it with anyone, but you know, lately I seem to tell you everything. Are you sure you're not bored of me yet? Because this story is awful... and very, very long. I will definitely go back, though. It's such a beautiful place, and the food was incredible. What was your favorite part? We should have spent more time together while we were there. Luckily, we have London now, and hopefully we'll get to enjoy a few hours together before we both head off in different directions again. Not for too long, I hope. Yes, the girls are in their last days of school, and I'm planning to take them to Japan. I want to take them to Disney, which I'm very excited about. After that, I'll probably go to Greece...my favorite place in the world, only me with my little one Viv. The rest of the kids are going to spend a few weeks with their dad, so it will be a nice opportunity for some one-on-one time. what about you? do you have special plans for the summer? Are you free tonight, lady? Or would tomorrow work better for you? I'm free all weekend anyway and ready to see you whenever you have some time off.
It's so nice to hear from you too! You don't have to apologize at all for it. I know there are times when real life gets in the way and you just can't help but let it consume you. I hope you still managed to have some fun though? It was quite well, thank you. I was able to relax and unwind a bit. These days? I'm alright, I've been back in London and trying to keep myself busy for the time being. What about yourself?
It was not the easiest thing for me. Sharing a room with your ex when you're not exactly on the best terms should be considered an extreme sport or something. I honestly don't know how I survived it. So, no... the moments I truly enjoyed were pretty brief, and mostly happened when I was intoxicated and far away from my suite. I'm glad to hear you actually had some time to relax, though. It's such a beautiful place. I hope I get the chance to go back soon under much better circumstances. Oh! You're in London. That's nice — I'm in London too, spending my days at table reads and taking the girls to their last days of school. Summer is approaching, and they have so many activities going on. It's crazy; they're only 10 and 3 years old, and they already have busier schedules than I do sometimes. anyway lady... i think you and i should take advantage of being in the same city at the same time again.
