Getting By On Spanglish

(Mis)Adventures of an American exchange student in Spain

[azspot]

Malcolm X, unlike Martin Luther King Jr., did not believe America had a conscience. For him there was no great tension between the lofty ideals of the nation—which he said were a sham—and the failure to deliver justice to blacks. He, perhaps better than King, understood the inner workings of empire. He had no hope that those who managed empire would ever get in touch with their better selves to build a country free of exploitation and injustice. He argued that from the arrival of the first slave ship to the appearance of our vast archipelago of prisons and our squalid, urban internal colonies where the poor are trapped and abused, the American empire was unrelentingly hostile to those Frantz Fanon called “the wretched of the earth.” This, Malcolm knew, would not change until the empire was destroyed.

Malcolm X Was Right About America  (via tamarrud)

[catlov3r123-blog]

you keep on sayin sorry your head held over the porcelain that half-eaten scone on the floor next to my pack of marlboro’s.

it’s okay, darlin.

you called me to say happy birthday i didn’t see you for days i know you meant it though. your voice sounded like smiles i gave you a pink rose and giggled on my crummy floor.

it’s okay, hon.

you didn’t call me on my birthday you didn’t call me at christmas. i don’t know what i expected i left you a message the other day saying sorry. you must not have gotten it.

it’s okay, dear.

i heard about your insides they had to scrape them clean for the third (or was it the fourth?) time again. i wish you would tell me. but you just wanted to talk about the weather and give me boy advice.

it’s okay, sweetie.

i play this game at night where i sit on my floor and don’t get up unless i have to pee. just me and gas station wine space heater sweat and soy sauce tears.

i’m not okay.

[catlov3r123-blog]

I heard you write poetry I wonder if yo u can make words dance on a page like your fingers did on my leg tracing the scars on my thighs you said you liked me i said it too.

hormones do suck even when they make kissing go down smooth and hands go down smoother the lines on your back and hair on your belly i should have just said no but you told me my mood ring was blue and so i read your palm it said that you will have 2 loves in your life neither of which i’ll be. but it’s cool. i’m Fine. you spoke to me like i was about to become a regular parking in the vacant lot across the street buzzing your head making it grow back in patches

you put your cap on my head i took it off. i laughed. you just looked. did you smile?? rice on the wood floor and sticky hands from steam sliding fingers from palms back to thighs

i should have just said no. im staring at an empty glass tinged green listening to soko what the fuck did you do to me.

[hellomycurrentnameishelena-deac]

Marina Ambramovic & Ulay Laysiepen

Death Self, 1977

This performance consisted of the two artists seated in front of each other, connected at the mouth. They took in each other’s breaths until all of their available oxygen had been used up. The performance lasted only 17 minutes, resulting in...

[catlov3r123-blog]

Putting on pants, not eating cereal, and taking the first step

I admit it. I'm scared. Okay, you got me. I'm actually terrified in the way a kindergartener is afraid of their first day of school. Opposed to just months ago, when I had everything figured out. The path in front of me lays barren, unknown and open to any kind of possibility. And that's exactly what scares me. Where do you move from an exchange? Where do you put the memory banks filled with experiences, laughter, and happiness? I've been home for two weeks as of tomorrow. My suitcase (still half-packed) lays among the ruins of clothes and souvenirs that have collected on my floor, and I have spent virtually every day doing the same monotonous things on the internet, eating cereal for every meal and feeling too lazy to put on pants. 

While some of you reading this may be thinking "You had an entire year abroad in a beautiful place, doing amazing stuff. It's over, so pick up and move on with your life." I wish it were only that simple.

The problem with moving on from an exchange is that there really IS no way to move on. Regardless of all of the bad experiences a year abroad may put you through, you grow to love it and as the remaining months left in host countries dwindle down, exchange becomes more than just what you were doing with your year abroad, it becomes a part of you. Moving on from my time spent in Spain would be like moving on from the fact that I talk too much or from my (very open) addiction to 90s TV shows. It's become such an integral part of me that it's impossible to move past. So what's a girl to do?

I say keep it. Work it into your life. I've been realizing that I'm not the same person I was a year ago, nor am I the same girl I was in Spain. And that's not bad, but what it does mean is that I have to use the experiences I've gained both in my life pre-exchange and from my time in Spain to help shape a new, third-generation version of myself. I'm not quite sure where to go, but I do know that the most important thing is for me to just TAKE A STEP. It may be misguided at first, and I may start weaving paths through my life like I've had one-too-many shots of tequila, but that's okay, because finding yourself has never been an exact science and imperfection is what makes us all human beings. 

So put pants on, expand your diet, and step out of the house. It's time to re-explore our lives with the same enthusiasm we had the second we took those first steps off of that plane, a year ago today. 

[catlov3r123-blog]

Refusing to pack my suitcase because then I'll know that although my train leaves this place in less than 48 hours, my year is officially over. 

[catlov3r123-blog]

Coming to a Close (10 months)

Right now time seems to be moving so quickly as I watch the days until I leave dwindle down to 10, 9, and now 8. On the other hand, each hour of each day also feels frozen in time, like the bank of memories I've shared with all of the people I love here has finally reached it's limit, so instead I just pass the days in this weird zombie-like trance. 

The only thing I can relate this strange and yet completely familiar sensation to is what I had experienced 10 months ago, today. While the differences between then and now are infinite and it'd be pointless and exhausting for me to list all of them and for you to read them, the most significant is that somewhere within the people who used to just be names on paper or friend requests on Facebook have not just become my best friends and family, but have grown into my life, shaping it and changing it with their personalities, different views of the world, inside jokes, senses of humor and friendships. 

I am different now than I was 10 months ago. And somehow over the nights of loneliness, laughter, tears, and joy I've experienced over this year I've come out knowing more about myself than I had when I was taking my first steps out of that airport tunnel in Madrid. While I'm scared of time unweaving the relationships I've created with each person I've come to know over this journey, I would have to add that I'm just as equally afraid of losing the person I've come to be this year. 

I wish a sappy post on Tumblr could put my total love for my second home into a medium that would make everyone else understand but... the truth is that some crazy, inexplicable thing happened over the 10 months of kebab stand-runs and dinners shared with my host families that could only be understood through a first hand encounter. 

I'm so sad to leave it all behind, but I also know that this year is only the launching point for the many years I have ahead filled with adventures, new friends, parties (yay), laughter and love. Thank you to everyone who made this year possible for me. To Rotary giving me the opportunity to leave my home for a new country, my family back home for being supportive and always sending me their bottomless love, my friends at home for the Snapchats and calls on Skype, and my friends here for listening to me (even when I talk to much- which is almost always), sharing kebabs, and being the best company for whatever kind of plans we would make to fill up our time here and explore our second home. My year wouldn't have been the same (or at least significantly worse) if you guys weren't all a part of it. 

[blazersandpins-blog]

Host family takes forever to do laundry

[steviethiccs]

“The Flapper awoke from her lethargy of sub-deb-ism, bobbed her hair, put on her choicest pair of earrings and a great deal of audacity and rouge and went into the battle. She flirted because it was fun to flirt and wore a one-piece bathing suit because she had a good figure, she covered her face with powder and paint because she didn’t need it and she refused to be bored chiefly because she wasn’t boring. She was conscious that the things she did were the things she had always wanted to do. Mothers disapproved of their sons taking the Flapper to dances, to teas, to swim and most of all to heart. She had mostly masculine friends, but youth does not need friends—it needs only crowds.”

Zelda Fitzgerald (via birchbone)

I fucking love Zelda fitzgerald

(via suavisbeatitudinem)

[loveandthevillage]

Street harassment is not a compliment. It’s disrespectful.

[mybeautifulrepublic]

I took a 7 week coast to coast road trip after being laid off from Boeing. I didn’t have a camper but realized that being able to pull off the road at a rest or truck stop was the way to go to make the trip affordable. With a few sheets of 1/2” plywood and misc. hardware this is what I came up with. The effort was well worth the time and materials.

[buteuavineyard-deactivated20140]

[libertatea-mea]

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

[kicker-of-elves]

Illinois       National Geographic June 1967       James L Stanfield

[catlov3r123-blog]

Maha 2013 Lineup

AHHHH so The Flaming Lips are headlining Omaha's cool-indie baby of a music festival, Maha this year.. and the best part is that I'll BE THERE FOR IT. 

WAYNE COYNE WILL BE IN OMAHA. AT THE SAME TIME AS ME. 

I'll just let that sink into your brains for a moment.. 

Also, Matt and Kim will be there along with a tons of awesome local acts. Holla at Omaha you are honestly way cooler than everyone else gives you credit for (and harvest more than corn and babies decked out in camo- although that does happen). 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start brainstorming the ways I'll paint my face for The Flaming Lips set.

[alixtron-blog]

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius...

[my-teen-quote]

[emilys-nostalgia]

‎’Slut’ is attacking women for their right to say yes. ‘Friend Zone’ is attacking women for their right to say no.

And “bitch” is attacking women for their right to call you on it. (via dezi-desire)