i spent my whole night reading this, one hell of novella

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@catwithaawakenedheart
i spent my whole night reading this, one hell of novella
having a coke with you by frank o'hara
I hope the wind sings to you my unsaid words
Friend
Whenever my heart shatters, I go back to the memories of us. Where you covered my soul in happiness and I forget about the pain that lingered.
âand I think, every once in a while, he might be the love of my life. And then I hear my thoughts and I know I am horrid, horrible for thinking that and yet rejecting myself, him, of the chance of us over and over again. I cannot stomach myself and I cannot love and I cannot live with the fact that I do not love myself enough to accept what is so good, so real right in front of me, and so I bury the thought, I cover it up, and I move forward. He doesnât know, and I pretend. No one came ever read my mind and know that I sometimes had hope for us too. No one can look at me and think, maybe she also wanted him. Because that would make it real. So I move forward, I cover it up, and I bury it in a hurry of action and talk and I know the only person who will live with it, will be me. And I can accept that for myself, but I do not want to make him suffer more than he has.â
- n.c. // I want to be okay with love, but I do not know how to fall
ig - afternoondreams
âYou are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.â
â Ernest Hemingway
People aren't homes, they never will be. People are rivers, always changing, forever flowing. They will disappear with everything you put inside them.
~ Nikita Gill
âPlease stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.â
â Unknown
I sit in the corner of my room, knees pulled to my chest, staring at the blank page in front of me. I want to fill it with something profound, something meaningful, but all I can think about is the ticking of the clock and how time seems to slip through my fingers like sand. I want to do something remarkable, something that will make people remember me. But then I think about all the times I've tried and failed, and the fear grips me like a vice.
I want to understand the world in a way that feels impossible from this small, cluttered room. I want to lay on the grass in the summer, tracing the constellations with my fingertips, feeling the earth beneath me and the universe above me. I want to read books from all over the world, let their words wash over me and change me in ways I canât even predict. I want to learn how history shapes our present, how the echoes of the past are woven into the fabric of our everyday lives.
But I don't. I donât do these things because Iâm afraid. Afraid of failure, of looking foolish, of taking something beautiful and ruining it with my clumsy attempts. So instead, I do nothing. I stare at the blank page and wonder what it would be like to fill it with all the things I want to say but canât.
Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to reach out and grasp the opportunities that float by like wisps of smoke. Maybe one day I'll learn to throw myself at the wonderful things, not just the ground. Until then, I'll sit here, wondering where all these bad things come from and dreaming of the day I can fill this page with something more than just dreams.
Yesterday!
Midsommar, written and directed by Ari Aster
How on earth did i know that elder people would jump off that cliff and hence I anticipated the peculiarness of this feature?
I really enjoyed reading the screenplay, it gave me some new insights into the film that I didnât necessarily get from a first watch. I donât have a review as much, just a collection of thoughts:
1. The script magnifies how abusive Christian is. He certainly comes across as a bad boyfriend in the film, but reading scenes with Dani and Christian really accentuates how much he gaslights her, twists situations when heâs done wrong and makes her feel guilty for questioning things.
2. There is a little justification for Ruben as a character. He often appears in the background of scenes doing mirror things that donât serve the plot in any way. It seems that he is being used as a stock character (person with disability having some âspecial powerâ). In terms of positive representation, itâs not great.
3. The script seems to put a lot of emphasis on family and suggests that this is Dani's biggest desire. It begins and ends with an image of Dani being embraced by a family - her own and then the Hargas. This is interesting because I don't find that it translates in the film. From a first watch, I found that what Dani really wants and needs is emotional support (which she wants from Christian but doesn't get). This doesn't necessarily come from a family; early on in the film, we see Dani giving a lot of emotional support to her sister and checking in on her parents but getting nothing back. She is especially in need of emotional support after the loss of her family, which she eventually finds in the Hargas.
4. The Hargas have a physical language called 'affect' which is based on emotions rather than words (which reinforces the idea that emotional support is what Dani is really looking for). Either I missed this when watching the film, or it wasn't clear enough. It's a really fascinating detail that comes out in scenes where the Hargas seem to be imitating the raw emotion of people in distress, as if it empathise. Are the Hargas actually a very compassionate society?
5. I found it odd that Pelle doesn't get sacrificed. There is a line in the script that suggests that Hargas who bring in outsiders to be scarified (like Pelle and Ingmar did) are rewarded with being sacrificed. Ingmar (who brings the two Brits) is sacrificed, but Pelle isn't. By the end of the film, I didn't feel particularly attached to Pelle as a character, so I thought this was an unusual decision. The only reason I can think of is that if Pelle dies, it doesn't give Dani much of a reason to stay because everyone she knows that connects her to the outside world is dead. Plus (aside from being an accomplice to all the killing) Pelle seems like a decent guy, and the only guy who actually listens to and supports Dani, so maybe it sets up the potential for a romance if he lives.
6. How the comedy translates from page to screen was interesting to see. I remember finding the love scene between Christian and Maja funny in the film because it's so bizarre, but reading it is a different experience. It's quite disturbing, especially as Christian has been drugged and isn't in his right mind. I also found Christian's woes about his PhD and Josh taking him to task for stealing his topic much funnier in the script. 'You didnât even know how to use J-Stor before I taught you' is a great line.
completely enthralled by the religious acts and the thought process of creating this whole new culture. The only thing that felt out of sorts is Christian giving his âseedâ to the young Hargas girl. In the final ceremony, itâs made very clear that Christian symbolizes bad/negative energy that must be banished from their society. If thatâs so, why encourage him to impregnate someone. Dani wasnât meant to see his infidelity - the women were pulling her away from the temple. If their God requires sex, death and rebirth, who choose Christian?
âYou threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you.â
Spellbinding! Madeline Miller is definitely one of the best writers of our time. She has such a way with words that it is absolutely impossible not to be engaged in her storytelling.
Circe literally snapped, canât believe she ended Helios in 3 sentences. Circe is a powerful individual, but she gains this power from her wisdom, the wisdom of time: ""You are wise", he said." If it is so", I said, "it is only because I have been a fool enough for a hundred lifetimes"". She is a free spirit and she has her fatherâs roots of pride. She is her own master and she doesnât agree with ancient etiquettes, sung by bards and stuck for eternity in peopleâs minds: âHumbling women seems to me a chief pastime poets. Unless there can be no story unless we crawl and weepâ. This shows the power she raised in herself .
Circe is powerful, Circe is unique and she is herself. She gives us a valuable lesson on how to live free and how to live sufficiently. She is a figure of self-respect and self-care and she says, with unspoken word, that if you want to live happily, you have to live true to yourself.
âHowever gold she shines, do not forget her fire.â
Reading Six of Crows as an experience summed up by Shane Madej: