lol more Patchwork stuff because it’s still such a rarepair :) love them both! I haven’t written a story from Zooble’s POV in a while! As usual, I do not support ED’s and will block anyone who does. I, will also block ageless/minor blogs!
This will actually be my most intense story I’ve written so far and as such this WILL BE NSFW AND 18+! I will be switching between first and third person a lot haha. Lastly, Content Warnings:
Extended hunger and ED mentions, body dysmorphia, swearing, re-feeding/ vomiting, mentions of blood, suicidal thoughts, self harm mentions
I’m fine, just need to make it through…
Their usual dull pull of hunger turned into a sudden sharp pang, causing them to flinch and cutting off their train of thought.
“Why did Caine add modifiers to make things more realistic? I hate how annoying all of it is”
Even with more control within the circus, Zooble’s mind is too preoccupied with food to even try anything else. Conjuring takes lots of mental and physical energy, which currently isn’t being replenished and Zooble’s screaming stomach won’t let them forget anytime soon.
I do want to be with everyone else in the main area but I’d hate for anyone to figure out what I’m doing. Plus, from the outside, how would I explain this to anyone? Even though I’ve accepted my parts gimmick, I still feel even more extreme about my body itself. I’ve always, even as a human, kept myself mostly hungry as I don’t like the feeling of fullness whatsoever. Made me feel… wrong.
Ragatha made her rounds within everyone’s spaces, checking in as usual. She noticed Zooble’s door was completely shut, something out of the ordinary for them.
Many questions ran through her mind. Would she be too annoying if she checked on them? I don’t want Zooble to hate me or think I’m being intrusive. Other questions of would/should/could swirled her mind. They’ve been in their room alone for days and not even leaving when the rest of the members would gather and eat. Very surprising for someone who has such an appetite and a wide variety of foods they’d eat and even helped to cook.
She finally decided to reach towards the door to knock…
“Fuck…” Zooble muttered under their breath. Another thing I still HATE about my body is the dumb hollow plastic shell that makes my stomach sound like water pipes amplified by a megaphone. So loud that the other members always used that to figure out when meals are going to take place. Time in the circus doesn’t really happen outside of the daily sun and moon rotations.
I do have to say though, it’s kind of admirable that my system is like clockwork, very punctual. No wonder why everyone else jokes that I am like a meal clock. Everyone else’s systems are more unpredictable, especially at the start of the new modifiers. Everyone’s bodies took a long time to “wake up” as Caine explained.
Zooble thought back to when Caine first installed the modifiers, when he didn’t understand much about humans. He only programmed “not hungry” and “hungry” where it wasn’t fullness but the hunger became primal right away, no in between. They liked the tight, gnawing, empty sensations the “hungry” state caused. They really liked it. As Caine improved on it, he got a hand on all the different ranges and spectrums, Zooble took that chance to “experiment”.
“Oh shit, here we go again” Zooble had to steady their breathing as another ear-shattering growl ripped through their belly. Even wrapping their arms to stifle the noise, it did nothing besides offer a bit of a calming sense once they focused on the feeling and sound without the embarrassment
What is Zooble doing? I really should knock. Ragatha takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. She is only acknowledged by Zooble’s blunt “mmh” as she opens the door to their room. Ragatha has not seen them this tired since the torture adventure Caine sent them all on. This isn’t their usual sarcastic exhaustion either, they have bags under their eyes, their arms are rather shaky, and she swore she could see Zooble’s belly has sunken a bit and could see it move ever so slightly. Ragatha, ever the awkward one stumbled on her words in asking Zooble if they’re okay without making them feel pressured… “I can’t pause for too long” Ragatha thought as she ran a list through her head while accidentally staring at Zooble the entire time.
“Is she meaning to stare at me like that? It’s been three minutes of absolute silence since I invited her in”
It could be the hunger, the exhaustion, depression, or really anything else pulling at the back of their mind that Ragatha is secretly judging them as the worst person ever or just telling them they look like shit (to be fair, yeah I probably don’t look too good). It’s hard enough to even muster the energy to talk, let alone not lose my balance and not letting the absolute chokehold of hunger drag me further down.
Honestly, if it were up to me, I’d rather abstract than continue this hunger streak. The only reason I’m not breaking this is because I am finally getting those stupid curves to go away. I don’t like how feminine they make me look. I could also gain weight to also repel others and not have to worry about me as I’d look disgusting to them and they’d want to not look at me…
Two other things about hunger like this though I don’t mind:
- how easily it can pull you back to reality
- one of the easiest signals to understand in anyone, not just yourself
Contractions start stirring up in my empty stomach, squeezing nothing but air, water, and acid. A wave of a sharp pang comes along and I double over, grunting as I cradle my stomach in my arms. I already anticipate another growl coming on and judging by how this pang brought me to my knees and caught my breath, it’s not gonna hold back. Poor Ragatha is still going through her own mental spirals and-
Ragatha looked on at Zooble in stunned silence. She already didn’t know what to do when she saw Zooble suddenly go into their knees but that last growl paired with their reaction means it probably really hurt. She really didn’t even put two and two together until she noticed how often Zooble would hide their abdomen, absently caressing their torso, and even sometimes talking to their stomach when alone. She wished she would have come to them sooner but at least it isn’t too late!
“Zooble, I can tell you’re hungry. You don’t need to hide that from me. If you want, we can go up to the cafe together?” Her expression drops a bit as she studied Zooble who has fallen silent. Too silent. Oh god…
Zooble’s head swam with pure exhaustion pulling at the rest of their body, the hunger progressing so much that there was an ache in whatever Caine did to program bones but my parts are becoming ill-fitting too. Wake up, I yell at myself in what I think is a dream. With how foggy my mind is, I can’t even tell if this is real or all a dream.
“Zooble?!” Ragatha caught some of their parts as they otherwise fell apart and was hard to wake. As least she was able to catch Zooble’s head. “Do I wake them or let them sleep?” Ragatha jumped slightly as Zooble’s eyes opened, their pupils dilated. “Oh my god, thank god you’re awake!” Zooble flinched as Ragatha’s sudden excitement. “O-oh, sorry Zooble”.
Wait, why is Ragatha holding onto my head? What happened? I could feel myself falling one second and then nothing next. I’m glad Ragatha is happy I’m conscious but her concern and pity really rubs me the wrong way. I know she means well, I just didn’t want to drag anyone else into this issue when it’s me. My fault. If only we could actually die here, I could at least use that to escape this stupid lifelong issue…
“Zooble, when did you last eat?” Ragatha’s voice had an unusual firmness underneath her unyielding empathy. Jesus Zooble… “I wish I did something sooner. I’m so sorry”.
She’s apologizing for not noticing sooner? Why? She has done nothing wrong. In a sick way, I’m happy that I was able to hide it for a while even from Ragatha’s ever watchful eye. Another part though is secretly glad she noticed something was wrong. I would never be able to advocate myself let alone utter a word of this to anyone.
I’m racking my brain trying to remember when I ate last. I hate thinking even about eating as it causes my stomach to beg and squeeze more. Otherwise, I can’t exactly tell but it must have at least been a week. This burning within the pit of my stomach and the bile and blood at the back of their throat are some of the more notable things of how prolonged it had been. God, my whole body is shaking at this point, even though I’m still dismantled across my bedroom floor. Hate this, hate myself…
Shit, Ragatha asked a question and I have been staring at her hair but said nothing for a bit. “A week” I manage to push out. God, it’s still so difficult to talk at this point not just from the awkward situation but the hunger just slowly draining me.
“I am really, really sorry Zooble” Ragatha tears up as her voice shakes. “I knew something was wrong. I was too afraid to ask more.” She puts my head onto the floor as she begins sobbing. She is inconsolable.
“I didn’t know it was THIS bad”…
Ragatha is such a wreck, she removed the bow on her head, revealing this longer and still curly yarn hair. She cried so much it soaked her burlap fabric and her good eye was puffy. “Oh god…”
Man, if Ragatha was already awkward before when trying to talk, try now when she is a soaked, blubbering mess.
Ragatha finished trying to gather herself and silently re-assembled Zooble with tears still welling in her eye. “Look, whether or not you wanted to get help for this, don’t ever push yourself like that again” she barked out more harshly than intended. “I know we can’t die here but I was so worried that you were gone. Please talk to us, we are all together after all”.
Zooble for once didn’t try to drown out Ragatha’s words. They instead fidgeted with Ragatha’s bow she placed on the ground and they picked it up. It was hard to hear how upset she sounds but I do deserve this. I’ve done this before sure but never for this long. I never ment it to last this long.
A sharp long growl pierced the air. I then, like usual push my arm up to lessen the pain but it really is unbearable.
That sound is awful. Never knew that kind of noise could be that ear-piercing. I’ve had my share of going for long periods without even considering eating a thing (not usually purposeful), especially when working at my old real estate job. That was one thing. This was something else.
“What would you like to eat?”
That question took me by surprise. Was Ragatha ever this direct? She barely even stuttered. Is it weird to say I’m not hungry even though my stomach is still clawing my insides? I’m not sure to be honest what I would want anyways.
“Z-Zooble, I’m really sorry if I’m pushing too hard. I’m just really worried, y’know?” I don’t know why but I started to pull Zooble into a hug as I waited for an answer. The only answer to come from them is an angry feeling churn of their stomach.
Say something to her, Zooble. “I really don’t care, just pick anything” I finally manage to get out. It is still so painful physically and mentally to try and even think about any types of food. Ragatha just said that she’d surprise me and she’ll be back as soon as possible.
I do hope it’ll be sooner than later as this hunger has become nauseating…
At least Zooble gave me some sort of answer. They could want anything. I want to make sure it’s protein and carb heavy but also light enough…
I’ll see if I can make mashed potatoes and some thin sliced chicken. I know, not exciting but it’s at least it’s something in their system. Water of course too! I’ll get them a small glass of water.
I do wish for my stomach to at least growl once again. This twisting and churning alone is nowhere as interesting to me and especially now is way more painful than just an occasional annoyance. I really hate eating around others but with Ragatha, after she’s seen through everything I’ve been putting myself through, I know she is not the kind of person to judge me. In fact, I don’t feel embarrassed around her anymore after today’s earlier events.
Ragatha returns with some food and water. I thank her with a quick nod and start eating. I tried eating the chicken but it made me gag, not from the taste but the texture. I took a couple of spoonfuls of mashed potato and then drank a few sips of water. I can feel my stomach starting to work on the items but the uncomfortable sensation caused me to become nauseous. As I went to try and take another sip of water, I vomited on the floor, my throat and stomach sore from the effort to rid its contents. This is way worse than I thought…
Oh no, I never expected Zooble to throw up. Never even seen or heard them do so. I quickly leave to grab towels to try and clean up the mess. I am not a fan whatsoever of this but with how often I’ve helped others with cleaning up, I don’t mind. As long as the other person is comfortable. Zooble is sweating a ton, tears back in their eyes. “It’s going to be okay”. I’m unsure what to tell Zooble but I want them to know I’m here without talking their ears off but part of me wonders if I should have said nothing. Zooble is not one to be so lost in their emotions like this. The only other time I’ve seen them like this was after Jax teased them about being a real person all along. Frozen, staring at the floor.
Why? Why? Why did I have to do that? This is so much worse. What do I say? Should I do something? If so, what? I hate the roiling sensation of my once again desperate and painfully empty stomach.
Zooble just simply hugs me and says “thanks” after everything. They even ate the mashed potatoes this time. I’m just glad they finally have something in their system.
Whatever Ragatha did with the rest of the mashed potatoes, they are really good. Very fluffy and light. Finally, all of my body just seems to relax and I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m sorry” we both managed to say at once and I shout “jinx!” afterwards. Tucking Ragatha’s hair back, I put her bow back and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Never speak about this to anyone” I said playfully and Ragatha playfully chuckled. “You got it, Zooble” Ragatha said as she shoots finger guns at me.
It’s still wild to me how much Ragatha means to me out of any of the circus members. I still hope we get to talk more outside of this.
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