God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
I start this rant by saying that these thoughts and feelings are my own and not copied. I point this out because I reshare many posts from others. I am willing to bet that these words that you read are the feelings of many people out there in this world that you know and don't know.
It's said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I want to believe that idea. I find it very hard to grasp right now. At times, that idea is within reach and handling the trials and tribulations of life gives me gratitude for my endurance. Other moments, such as now, the weight of my world is to much. Thoughts of giving up creep into my mind.
I have so much in my life to be Grateful for, this is what I'm taught and believe. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love who is patient with me, nonjudgemental, understands my circumstances and accepts me for who I am. I have an Aunt that hasn't thought twice about allowing me to live with her. When unemployment ran out, she supports me. When I had to give up my car as part of my bankruptcy, she let's me use her truck adding me to her insurance. She broke her credit card out so I could goto the dentist to fix my broken front tooth.
Then there is my incredible talent of resolving computer issues for people remotely and onsite. Those results produce happy customers and its in their issue resolution and gratitude that I feel purpose. I really loved working as a computer tech/network tech. I really hate telling people that I am a computer tech and cannot find work. That same odd look on their face like, how can you not be working right now? My only real purpose today seems to come from Volunteering at a nonprofit were I assist their IT person.
I use 2 out of the 3 Apple products (iPhone and iPad), I'm not getting a Mac (although I did have the Mac OS running in a VM window). I have a laptop from my failed business, my old laptop (which suffers from thermal issues), 2 pcs that I call bitchboxes and a NAS server. Presently, I'm rocking 3 screens...2 laptops sitting on a windows fan for dealing with thermal issues and a monitor connected to one of the bitchboxes. Searching the internet, I found software called Input Director that let's me control all 3 with 1 set of keyboard and mouse. By the way, I'm typing this up on my iPad.
I have played guitar for 30 years off and on. There are 4 hanging on the walls right now. I don't play much right now because part of my psych uses not playing the guitar as a punishment, something I learned from my father and haven't been able to let go of (the whole beating myself up thing). I love the feeling of playing. Was a dream at one time to be a rock star...
All these wonderful things in my life and I still have thoughts of giving up. I know how selfish that is yet circumstances lead me this to point. I desire to be productive yet the US Economy has other ideas. What makes me feel i cannot handle the weight of my world is the lack of real purpose and inability to be self supporting. Moving is not an option because I make myself available for my disabled Aunt. Opportunities in my area are scarce to nonexistent.
I have an idea, a desire and most of the resources to run a business doing remote tech support. I haven't pulled the trigger on it due to the Red Tape involved. Further more, my confidence is shaken, so I'm afraid of failure, screwing up and doing a bad job. I know all to well that Fear is my real enemy here. Faith without works is dead. Fear of asking for help, that's another big one.
When I have these strange feelings, I start to write, spending time trying to put my thoughts into a coherent sentences. The last time I felt this way, I wrote a letter to the president. It was the Sunday before he gave his jobs speech. After having my girlfriend proof read it, I emailed it to him, most of his staff then posted it to a bunch of news people that I follow on twitter. Then of course I listened intently to his speech and felt he was speaking to me. I do consider myself an independent.
I've learned to stay away from politics today as it's just a great way to become more depressed. I mean the state of our country has become so devided that nothing can get done. How depressing is that? I want to have a bright outlook for the future, realistically, can I? With all the red tape, lack of compromise and political ears going to the highest bidder, what can really get done in this country?
Rest assured that I'm afraid to hurt myself, because I lack the courage of my convictions. I'm going to fall asleep knowing that I'm not alone in these struggles of life. I'm going to thank God for another day of life and ask for new opportunities tomorrow. Tomorrow, I plan to work on my web page for my business idea then ask for feedback before pulling the trigger on it.
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