She woke. It was still dark; the little light that drifted through the gap in the curtains, was gentle enough to still be moonlight. She closed her eyes, but the sleep she was in had gone. As she opened them again, she tooling her surroundings. She was I his room, in his bed, with his arms wrapped around her naked middle, their legs in a comfortable tangle. She felt his fingers sleepily twitch around her belly button. Was this such a good idea? âIt wasnât a bad oneâ, she thought, 'it wasnt badâ. A flush of tension ran through her body, she had to get up, get out. A sudden claustrophobic rush gripped her mind. Was this bad? Had she fucked up? She had to breath. She slipped silently from under his arm, and sat on the edge of the bed. She pulled her feet onto the edge of the bed frame. There was a definite chill in the air, but in the dim light, their clothes were just a dark jumble on the floor. After a brief blind rummage she found her knickers and a T-shirt; 'thatâll doâ. She pulled it over her head, clearly not hers, as it drowned her shoulders. As she made her way through the bedroom door, she let the light from the hall rest on face. He looked so cute, breathing heavily into his pillow. She hoped she wasnât messing him around, he was a good guy. He was one of the really good ones.
She wandered through the hall, and pushed herself through the cheeky door to the lounge. Clicking the kettle on, she popped a teabag into her newly favourite mug. She grabbed her little tin from her handbag and rolled herself a slight fatter than usual cigarette. She finished off her brew, placed it on the table, and wrapped her scarf round her shoulders, as if she were Jane Ayre, and her night dress was tickling her toes. The French windows opened with a squeak and let in a rather mild nights breeze. She leant against the hinges of the door frame, closed her eyes, and let the wind drift through her hair. She could tell she was near the coast, taking in a deep breath, she could smell the grass and the sea on the night air. She lit her cigarette and looked up at the stars in the clear spring sky, the almost warm wind whipped around her knees. She could smell the sex on her hands with every drag. She thought about where she was, so far from home. She thought about the guy she was with, and how little time sheâd known him for. She thought about the night before, and what had happened. And how it had happened. She had thought heâd had a girlfriend, but that hasnât seemed to have stopped him. Or her. She thought about the age gap, and what people would say. She thought about how no-one really knew where she was. Tomorrow would be the tester. Would this be a one off; go back to friends, kinda thing? Sheâd have to take his lead on this, she was already feeling awkward. Or was it a strange relationship kinda set up? Back to normal once they got home. Like a holiday fling, she thought. Cute. Had it been a good idea?
It hadnât felt bad, and at no point had she wanted to stop. But guilt had started to seep in, after the fact. He had been the first, since. She thought about how he would feel to find out, probably best not to say anything. She still loved him, in a way, and her heart still pined for him, but last night was warm and comforting. Different. She lost her gaze into the unseeable horizon and the sound of water, somewhere in the distance.
âThere you areâ
She jumped back into her own head, and turned to see him wandering through the door in his pants, scratching his head, on a half sleepy stagger.
âCan you not sleep?â
âYeah, I just⊠woke upâ,
She said, strongly dismissive, returning her gaze to the darkness outside. This was it. This was when it was going to get awkward. He stood closer and closer, till she could feel him right beside her, her stomach tying itself, over and over into a big knot. His hand came out, and ran a finger down her arm, to the bend in her elbow.
âYou regret it?â
âNoâ she said,
âIf Iâd have regretted it, I wouldnât have done itâ.
She gazed into the sky, under her assumed rationalisation. She shit him a quiet smile, and got the distinct feeling that maybe his stomach was in as big a knot as hers. He kept eye contact as he moved closer, slipping his hands under her T-shirt and round her waist,
âGoodâ, he mumbled, kissing her shoulder. She looked back out, and took a deep breath, feeling her body push against his warmth.
