smudge

this is a rant blog which means a blog for me to rant var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "3273424"; fhsh.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=&a=1"; document.head.appendChild(fhsh);document.write(""); // spotify

[deerchasingheadlights]

fashion moodboard: fauxs and gossamers to wear to your late sugar daddies funeral

[lipglosse]

[cchandni]

where is it?

I have always been full of sentiment (which i 100% cherish and love) but it’s just weird that i kinda lost that lately. I’m turning 21 ten days from now and as of today i feel nothing. Tb continued

[cchandni]

gatau si tapi kata gue "celebrate the difference" itu kek sangat unnecessary gt loh? Emang itu udah hakekat dan kodratnya dunia. Kayak mata kanan kiri kita aja gasama, apalagi sama orang lain, negara lain, pulau lain, benua lain? That's just the world being the world. Kek difference itu realitas, bukan sesuatu yang spesial dan harus dirayakan. people need to accept it as it is.

[cchandni]

[cchandni]

on plans

i just don’t have them yet. i don’t know. some people just KNOW where do they want to work, how rich they want themselves to be, what city do they want to live in, even how many kids that they want. i just never plan those things.

i mean sometimes i imagine what it’s like to live abroad, and i’d really like that to happen but it all still depends, you know? what if i get a great job here? what if i have to take care of my parents? i just don’t want to make the wrong decisions just because i have a PLAN. i do have a list of things i really want to do, though. does that count as plans?

right now i really have no clue where life would take me. and i’m strangely okay with that. 

[cchandni]

bidding farewell

I will be 21 this year. Twenty one. I will become a true adult. I can't say i'm not ready, i think i am in a lot of ways, but leaving my teenage years.. that's hard. I have these dreams of how my teenage years would be (and now i have ideas of how it SHOULD be) but being a big believer of destiny, i don't fully regret it. There must be like something that makes my teenage years the way it was.

But i wish, oh how i wish i'd done more things! I wish i was more brave, adventurous, and more than anything i wish to be more confident and open to love. I wish i was less angry, less sad, i wish i was more positive, made more friends, learn more things and didn't let my spare time pass without learning something or doing something. I mean, i memorize the world map in a few days! Imagine what kind of knowledge i'd posessed if i just read more, you know??????

But anyway i made up for a lot of it since i got into college. So far, i'm kind of really liking college. Such a great learning experience in all aspects of life. I'm grateful that i started this year believing that everything just gets better and better, Alhamdulillah.

[bbritelites]

we’ll take a cup of kindess

[cchandni]

🎉2018🎉

HI!!!

Happy 2018!! For the first time ever i don't feel the need to make a resolution or even feel the slightest bit of sentiment. I just know that in a year, i will do a lot of new things, i will know more things, and know more people. i just know that in a year things would be different without me trying to plan it. A year usually does a lot of things a person.

People laughs at how cliche "new year, new me" is, but that's usually what happens to most people, they become new.

Once again happy new year!!! This year will be great. I know it, inshaAllah.

[cchandni]

This is an interesting situation. Actually it's not interrsting. I never feel like i'm good enough, or that people treat me good enough. It's nothing new. Classic, classic, self obsessed me.

I hope this week just ends though.

[cchandni]

Mellow Fellow - Dancing

[cchandni]

It's my birthday

And i generally love birthdays, esspecially mine. But this particular birthday is not hapening on my best mental state. Maybe i jinx it by saying "with this level of self acceptance, i'm ready to be 30" but self acceptance itself is a very tricky thing. You know and accept that you have all these flaws, and you know where you are in your life and you accept it--but at the same time you know you're still lacking in lots of places. Am i making any sense?

Anyway i'm just not feeling myself today, and today happens to be my birthday. I've tried so hard to be a nice, beautiful, and fun person. That's just not enough. I have a lot of things to be grateful for, but i still find myself yearning for lots of other things. Maybe i just spend too much time with lots of people (tadi abis makrab) and i just compare myself to other people too much this past 2 days. That's not healthy. I don't even think i can fully stomach the fact that i'm 20.. because i know i'm childish.

I don't know. This is also the first birthday where i'm totally away from my twin, so maybe that's something.

[cchandni]

[cchandni]

on belonging

what is it about belonging to someone? i don't get it. I think i belong to myself. I mean i can't imagine or think of what it's like to belong to anybody but myself??? Is belonging to someone really a thing? Or was it just a metaphor that have gone too far?

[cchandni]

Don't Be A Pussy

remember why you're here and why you left.

know and accept that you're here. make the best of it. do what you want to do, and push through it no matter how hard it gets. you need as many knowledge as you can. step out of your comfort zone and make more friends. don't be shy to ask questions and state your opinions, you're too old for that shit. read your journals and notes and reminders and old entries. remember what you want. make the most of what you have and be grateful.

[cchandni]

[cchandni]

iiiii'm back baby

Just wanna share this with my 2 followers, bot views and my loyal blog creepers (whom i love) I don't want to jinx it by saying it but lately i've been blessed with a really positive outlook on life, which is a really great way to spend the last full month before turning 20. My family loves me and vice versa, i love my main friends aka my second family the ones who i can be myself with and talk about everything to, and then my friends at campus and other people -- i think i started to let them see me for what i am (i still manipulate my image, but who the fuck doesn't? And to be honest, I like to be admired) i'm very happy and satisfied with almost every aspect in my life rn it's just crazy. Even the little things, like my eyebrows, my clothes, my dorm, my spotify playlist--with this level of self acceptence i think HECK i'm ready to be 45. Not that i want to though. You know what else i don't want? A boyfriend. If you think about it i never even want one (if it's not someone i already have a crush on) i want one for the sake of having them, because i'm so embarassed of not being able to have one. It's not that i will stay out of the probability of having one or be like super hostile to nice guys who likes me, but i just don't feel that pressure that strongly anymore. Also i joined the Cinematography Club on my faculty. Films, i think is the closest thing i have to a passion besides painting and doing general math problems over and over again. Right now i have no clue how to use a camera, never show any kinds of my original writings to anyone i know irl, and the only movie editing software i know how to use is the windows movie maker, which has been discontinued. But i really have a good gut feeling about this. It's too early to say i'm comfy at the CC because i only came in once for an interview but i didn't feel as out of place and confused as i was on my last club (which i'm leaving). Can't believe how many time i waste on that club. Even years... they're always better for me than the odd ones. This is my sophomore year so i really reALLY hope that this will be the year that would make me love college and the year that opens 2000 doors. Pray for me citizens!