serendipity

hi, welcome to my universe.

[celestiadrabbles]

To my dearest,

I am not sure where to start, I have been thinking of all my actions until know and I realized I was the most stupidest and selfish person on earth, and the trust is I don't deserve you, not one bit. You have always been the best partner for me, very understanding, amazing, and hardworking. That was when I realized, I was not the best for you, I was the total opposite, naive, stupid, and reckless, I am not someone who should be loved, but you are, you deserve the best, and I am truly sorry if I was not your partner that you need anymore. You have always cared about me and my well being, but I forgot about yours, you needed to be cared for too, and I am always going to regret everything that I did that hurt you immensely, because you are the purest and loveable person I have ever met in my whole life. I know you are my first, but I was really ready for you to become my last, I was ready to be disowned by my family if they do not accept me if need be, I am saving up for us, for our future and our home, that was not a joke, I actually have some already, because I wanted your family to be able to see that you can depend on me with your life, and I wanted them to accept and love you and me as lovers. Thank you for existing for being the one I can truly call the one who got away, and the one I can never unlove. You are my whole life, my heart and soul, without you, I am empty and hollow. I am selfish because I could not let you go, but not seeing you anywhere and cutting me off completely hurts even more, because I still want to see you and root for you even if it means you are not mine anymore, because I love you and I will always love you even from a distance. You will always be my first love, my greatest love, and my biggest heartbreak, in which I ruined on my own accord, not you, but me. It may take time, but I will do my best to be better for me, but you will always be my inspiration, admiration and my conclusion.

[celestiadrabbles]

Wide Awake

The greatest fear I have in this world has been realized; losing you

Maybe not all at once, but I can feel that slowly we are drifting apart from one another

Dear to any God that is listening, please give me strength to keep holding on to this little hope I have left to save and fix her

I truly regret every foolish thing I did that hurt my dearest and greatest love

Unfortunately, I cannot turn back time I really wish I could

Your heart would not experience this type of pain that I made you feel

I know I do not deserve your forgiveness, but please remember that I will always love you even if you do not anymore.

[celestiadrabbles]

Solaris Angel

Perhaps this world is a dark and cruel

Too many bumps, twists, and turns in a number of chapters

In a life where it is impossible to live in peace

Finally, I see you

My Solaris Angel, full of warmth and so bright of light, a beautiful and pure soul

A little wish for you is to see you truly happy and at peace your entire life

Maybe I would not be beside you or I can not be with you anymore but I will always love and root for you my light

In whatever universe there is, I pray that your soul and mind will always be shining and the kindest of hearts

I love you more than words can say, my khy always remember that you will forever be my saving grace from the demon within myself when I was about to give in to the dark

Never dim my darling sun, your light will help others and a blazing path will guide them to happiness for themselves

Thank you for everything from the past till now, I never regret anything since the day I met you, my eternal eroe.

[celestiadrabbles]

Emotions

These feelings are bright, intense, and overwhelming

In my life they are the epitome of destruction

Truly I have a hard time of grasping what the definition of emotions is

Admittedly I hurt people I love because I cannot depicher and compose them well

To be honest I hate it, when they call me an empathetic, I smile and nod even if I know to myself that it is full of bullshit

A reminder for myself you are not someone who people can go to for help, you are not an advice giver only a deathrbinger to those around you

Do not pretend you know anything, because you do not you are clueless as shit never forget that you are useless as family, friend, lover, and as a person.

[celestiadrabbles]

With You

In an another perfect life, everything would be a little easier, we can love who we want to, we can choose how we want to live our lives, and we can be free without fear of being caught or side eyed by society.

If only I could take your pain, worries, and any negative or triggering thoughts and transfer it to me, I would have already did it without any trace of hesitation.

Even if I have to fight, me against the whole world, I will do so, I will not flinch or yield. No matter how many challenges or trials we will face, I will never leave even if you are going to be the one who will keep pushing and shooing me away out of fear or protection, I will stay always by your side.

I love you through the good times and in bad. More than anything in my whole life, you are my endgame. You saved me when I was lost, worthless, and wanted to end it all, you are my hero. Even if you think the worst of yourself or how unlovable or underserving you are of love, I will be here to constantly remind you, I am here to give and spoil you all the love, care, support, and understanding I have with my whole entire being. Every hour, minute, second of every day, I will never regret all the memories, times, and feelings we have shared, I will always keep choosing to fight, love and be with you, in this lifetime and in the next ones.

[celestiadrabbles]

You

It hurts.

I don't know why, when, and how,

Love can really consume and break you,

My flames that was once full of you and my heart is so empty.

They were all right but I was just so blind to see,

I mean no value and importance to you at all,

Somehow it is ironic and hyprocrital that I cannot be mad at you,

The love I have for you is so deep and sincere that it overwhelmed me,

You can never love me I know that, but a person like me can only hope for a slightest bit of chance.

I want to let go and move on yet it is unbearable for me to lose the most important person for me more than even myself - you.

[celestiadrabbles]

One day

Of course it hurts like hell,

When you know that you have no assurance whatsoever that you two will end up happily together,

The kind of feelings you have for that person is so strong and overflowing that it makes you so sick inside yourself,

Maybe there is no love from the other person, that one that can match yours,

Yet somehow it's okay because as long as there is life left in the other, they will fight and wait no matter how long it takes,

Nothing is guaranteed, nothing is promised and both agreed to stay as close friends as possible whatever the outcome of the relationship is,

At the end of the day, even if the people involved doesn't voice out their thoughts much as they should, they both know that they have the strong and incomparable admiration for one another, even without the officiality of the whole thing.

One day, when you are ready, when the world is ready and we are both mentally stable enough for everything, we'll try to make it work right? No the other would do everything to make it work and hold on tight, because the person of heart is their purpose, their reason, and their light of making them believe in love, happiness, and life.

[celestiadrabbles]

To my one and only self

Huh I never did this before, it was always a letter to others, but now i'm doing this for me.

I feel empty everyday like I am living in a routine without an exit. I hate waking up, I hate going to sleep, I hate just being alive. It is annoying to keep finding reasons to stay when there is not one. I wish there was but I now realize once again, that there is no one but me who is by my side. But when you are on my team, at the end the expected result is a tragic uninevitable death. Somehow I am always tired of people, I hate giving so much time and effort and just leave me hanging in the air most times, be uninterested in my stories, or just down outright ignore me without warning and it just triggers my anxiety and panic attacks a lot, more than that it triggers that switch in my brain, my depression, my suicidal thoughts everything. I want it all to stop which is why I will die soon.

You want to keep fighting and push forward to life, but the world is a cruel place to be, and a person like me will never belong no matter how hard I try.

Still I hope one day those multiple attempts I had from the past to the present won't be in the future too, let's try to be a better version and keep trying to live even if everyone makes it impossible.

[celestiadrabbles]

My reason

When will i die?

Give me a deadline

I'm tired of life

Take me out ot here please

What freedom? its not possible anymore

Lost, depressed and broken

That's all that's left of my very soul

Not any worth of love, cherished and taken care of

All I ever wanted was to disappear and never wake up ever again

My only reason why I'm still here, is her

It is because of her I still want to try to make it past 30

She is my saving grace, my own remedy

Even if we don't end up together she will always be my hero and best friend

I am falling in love with her every day that goes by and I don't regret it

No matter what happens I will be grateful for our memories, talks, and feelings

My moonlight is such a beauty, kind hearted, strong and amazing person

If this is love, I am content to be watching and loving you even from afar

[celestiadrabbles]

My star

You are my star; so lovely and bright,

A shining light who brings love and hope,

In my life full of darkness with despair, sorrow, and anger,

I suddenly became so colorful because of your existence.

You give me a reason to continue to wake up every day,

Why is it so hard to stop being so attached to you?

Even if you do not feel the same way as I do,

I cannot help but hopelessly fall in love with you.

You are the star to my dark sky,

The striking sun to my twilight moon,

Just thinking of you, my heart beats fast,

Then I realize I should not have let myself get so close to you.

You with those charming words, captivating wisdom, and entrancing personality;

I hated myself for falling for someone so far away from my reach,

Always I think to myself why am I so lucky to have met such an amazing being,

Honestly, I just waited for you to say sorry you are just too much for me.

You are always so sweet and we seem to have the same way we think about things,

At times there are times you are the only one who knows and understand what I am trying to say,

I do not know why you are still here to stay even if I have so many lapses and flaws,

My star, I know I am not beautiful and lovely like you, but I hope somehow and someday I can be your own star of your life too.

[celestiadrabbles]

Raindrops

The wind sounds like glass being broken,

Water below reminds me of a huge wave coming,

I relieve the trauma of drowning and dying,

It honestly is really frightening.

All the windows are being forced to break by the rain,

The light has disappeared in the rooms,

It gives me the fear that we have to survive again,

I hate being anxious of whether it will be a part two.

Someday this ache in my heart would heal,

I will hear the birds and the bees sing happily,

When the raindrops fall, I will be at ease,

One day, I will finally be free.

[celestiadrabbles]

Unseen

Her head is full of countless thoughts

Those moments where your heart is gone

Endless memories zooming past by

She is too tired to keep going on.

A mask worn every day too good to convince

Say she’s always too happy and cheerful

Honestly it is somehow too ironic

That no one can see how much she really acts

Behind close doors she is such a mess.

It is essential that she had to always be on guard

She had so many hidden behind her smile

Experiences that helped her realize that hiding is better

She was faking for so long, she hopes one day she finally tears those masks apart.