cessu

things i wanted to say but never actually did

[cess-is-here]

[cess-is-here]

[cess-is-here]

The Changing Norms of Fashion:

Traditional and Modern Pieces in Asia

[cess-is-here]

Love and hate relationship with december ><

[cess-is-here]

Continuous Revival

“That I suffer from no ailments is the greatest fortune.”

I'm curious as to how that feels right now. Possessing the freedom to maneuver cautiously but without restriction. Being able to open one's arms and take in the sun-kissed breeze. Having the ability to rush to your loved ones with carelessness. I have often pondered what it might be like to suddenly find myself endowed with the power to run.

Hi. I am Princess Allyssa R. Mago and I am diagnosed with patellar subluxation.

You might be wondering, what even is a patellar subluxation? To give you a brief knowledge of this, here is a description provided by the NationwideChildrens.Org. A patellar subluxation occurs when the kneecap slips momentarily out of the groove where it usually rests. When the kneecap slides out of place, it often moves towards the exterior of the body. It's possible for something to occur only once or repeatedly.

I first experienced this occurrence when I was in the ninth grade. I used to participate in Saturday training with our school's Scouting Organization. The training requires considerable physical performance. At 6 a.m., we would begin our day with military drills. Due to their difficulty, most of us wouldn't even be able to complete half of the exercises. Looking back on all of our training sessions, I can honestly say that I never once struggled with the activities. I knew I wouldn't have any trouble breathing-wise, but other than that, I felt alright. Not until that one particular Saturday had passed. We were performing our morning workout as usual. My right leg gave out as we were doing jumping jacks. At least, that's what I believed at the time.

Here's a clear illustration of how it typically works:

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZS82kRBsm/

After that, I could never go back to normalcy. I would say that before my ailment, I was a highly athletic and active person. Since I was a kid, I've participated in every intramural futsal game. Even more than futsal, I enjoy taking part in a wide variety of sports. I'll never forget the times I got to run around with my buddies, participating in school sports and leaping around in all the action. The difficulty in returning to those activities was marked.

“Out of all the people here in the world, why chose me, God?”

There were multiple incidents of "bending of my leg," most notably during the lockdown. It escalated and went out of hand. The bending of my right leg occurred each and every time I descended a flight of stairs. It would cause me to tumble down the stairwell, from which I could not recover without assistance. I'm telling you, this didn't occur just once, but  a multitude of times.

boom magic nawala | By Allan | Facebook

90 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Allan Mago Jr.: boom magic nawala

As time went on, I worried that I was becoming a burden on those around me. They often came racing to me with worried expressions whenever something like that occurred. Well, at least that catered to the worried. The insensitivity and rudeness of some of my relatives can only be explained by their lack of empathy. Words like "lampa," "lumba-lumba," "baboy na kasi," and others of a similar nature were frequently hurled at me. It sickened me that people made such statements without understanding my illness or my daily struggles with it.

My parents finally made the decision to take me to an orthopedist at our institution. Due to the lockdown, it took a bit for them to take me to a doctor. We all remember how difficult it was to get into a hospital back when swab testing and other pre-admission procedures were required. After the doctor had finished questioning my parents and I, he began to inspect my knee. What was amiss with my knee was quickly identified by him. My doctor diagnosed a patellar subluxation, he said. As a result, the knowledge he will provide has sent my feelings on a wild ride.

He continued by saying this is a common problem among teenagers, especially young women my age. I found solace in the realization that I am not alone in dealing with this issue. However, the doctor then added the tragic information that this was a permanent ailment. I felt my shoulders heave and was startled to which I couldn't continue talking after that. The doctor also indicated it's manageable, so long as I keep up with my fitness routine. Controlled but not treated. He taught me some stretches and exercises to do to prevent my kneecap from sliding.

“Falling down is part of life, Getting back up is living.”

Ever since then, I've been dead set on getting my condition under control. Regularly upon waking, I would carry out the stretches my doctor had instructed me to do. Also, I ought to learn to move with greater caution. That's why I couldn't participate in activities like jogging and jumping. I may be physically incapable of many activities, but I've found plenty of enjoyable alternatives. Reading helped me relax and escape reality. I didn't even have to leave my spot! Since I was no longer able to perform at a high level in athletics, I put more effort into my academics.

What happened to me showed me that darkness is just a small part of the whole picture. We must not allow this to become all that we are. There are numerous routes we might take to zero in on what best suits us. Allowing one setback to negate a million successes is not the way to go. This is merely a temporary state that we may find ourselves in again and again, but such is life. Challenges arise and pass. The key is to keep pushing forward in spite of this and to never settle for less than we deserve. As my favorite quote goes, “You’ve got at least a thousand capacities in you. Even if you don’t think so.”.

This is Princess Mago, a person with patellar subluxation, officially signing out.

[cess-is-here]

[cess-is-here]

Stars Around My Scars

“Time is everything we have and don’t.”

My life amid this unprecedented pandemic is more like a roller coaster ride than anything else imaginable. Everything from elation to terror to shock to a host of other life-altering experiences. I would not alter any of these occurrences if given the opportunity to do so. If any of those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am now.

In all candor, I was rather pleased when the lockdown finally began. My academic year had ended early, classes were canceled, and the sun was beaming. I felt good and confident that I would be happy. Really, remaining at home can't be that challenging, can it? Imagine being able to skip chores and lie in bed all day. Given that we own a sari-sari store, I would probably spend most of my vacation there if the lockdown hadn’t happened. Obviously, then, I benefited from the advent of the pandemic. Nothing was done but lie in bed for the entirety of those days. I was thumbing through my phone, checking out various social media apps, and taking in an entire season of shows on Netflix. Just generally wasting time. After some time had passed, the reality of the situation started to sink in.

In those moments, I could only think of how wonderful life was without the burdens of home and classroom obligations. Looking back now, I see how self-absorbed and egocentric I was.  It's like the world is ending, people are dying, many are losing their loved ones, and yet there I was, rejoicing in the fact that a pandemic has occurred. I didn't understand how mundane being at home would be until we started having issues as a family. The expected family drama has finally begun. In most cases, I think families have grown closer together during lockdowns. Since everyone is stuck at home, it's a great chance to spend quality time together as a family. But that is not the case with my family. 

“The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.”

My lowest point in life. All the trauma, all the anxiety—I didn't even realize I was feeling them at the time. The connection that I had with my family began to show signs of strain. To this day, I have no idea what the root of the problem was that led to my alienation from them. But I suppose that one of the reasons was that we were not accustomed to being at home with the whole family at the same time for an extended period of time. Before the epidemic, my family and I didn't get to spend much time together because we were all so preoccupied with our individual lives. Therefore, it is really awkward for us to spend time together at home. At least, that's how I felt about it.

I found myself in several disagreements with both my parents and my siblings. It wasn't until then that I realized how little I actually know about my family, and the same goes for them for me. There are a great number of things that set us apart, and you should know that I am not the sort to just give in and back down. I have a theory that one of the reasons we get into disputes a lot is because neither one of us wants to acknowledge our own shortcomings. This was the mere similarity that we all have. 

It even came to the point where one of my family members almost ran away from home. After that it was very hard to interact with that person. He was always in such a bad mood and what’s worse was it came to the point where he physically hurt me. I can still vividly recall the searing sensation that spread across my face where his hands had landed, as well as the buzzing sound that emanated from both of my ears. It seemed as if time had stopped moving, and all of a sudden he was so far apart from me. I believe that it was a depiction of how that one act had resulted in the severing of all of my ties with him.

Since that happened, I’ve been plagued by anxiety. My entire body would start trembling so badly whenever there would be loud noises or voices of people shouting with one another. Suddenly, it would be difficult to breathe, and going outside wouldn't be much of an option because of the lockdown. Being that my family isn't exactly the most open bunch, I had no choice but to keep everything to myself. Not until I figured out how to cope with my anxieties, anyway.

“Healing is not linear.”

There's a common belief that if someone in your family has wronged you in any manner, you must forgive them no matter what. “Pamilya mo pa ‘rin naman sila,” as the old Filipino proverb goes. It drives me crazy when people say things like this to me because it just doesn't make any sense. I stand my ground, and I have some good reasons why that adage is bunk. One thing to remember is that just because they are related to you does not absolve them of responsibility if they cause you emotional distress. Second, your mental and emotional health will suffer if you continue to be with toxic people. Finally, getting out of an abusive relationship is the only way to recover from it. These are the primary reasons why our family members do not have an excuse to dump their traumatic experiences on us. There are still a lot of other reasons why this is the case, but these are the most important ones.

I am not, however, advocating that people harbor resentment or refuse to forgive members of their own families. Despite having made peace with the past, one lesson I took away from this is that you may forgive someone without forgetting what they did. I'm to the point where I can have a regular conversation with that person, but there are still moments when it all comes crashing back in. That's fine, by the way. Healing is not linear. 

Everyone has the option of forgiving, but forgetting might be challenging. To heal, it's fine to take things slowly and focus on one thing at a time. It's ultimately up to you to decide if you want to forgive, and if you don't, it doesn't make you a horrible person. Forgiving someone who has wronged you against your will isn't always the best way to heal from the hurt you've suffered.

After the horrible experience that I went through, I was never the same person again. Despite the fact that it had a positive and negative impact on me, I believe that such things are an inevitable part of life. Everything we've been through up to this point has contributed to making us who we are. Therefore, we shouldn't just stop there but should instead continue to shape ourselves in various ways. Let us not let our suffering be the defining factor of our entire lives, but rather let us use it as the impetus to get better. Sometimes we slip backwards in our recovery, and that's okay; relapses are a natural part of the process, and in no way undermines the progress that we have already made.

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”

[cess-is-here]

Here's how my november went! My favorite month so far. How did yours go? 💫

[cess-is-here]

this day is tiring asf. definitely worth-it, though.

[cess-is-here]

The Depths of Rain

“Late na tayo,”

Upon hearing a voice, I turned around to see who it was. My classmate, Rain, was the one standing behind me. Both of us were rushing to get to our first class on time. When I found that I wasn't the only one who had arrived at class late, I felt a sense of relief. We are both running our arse off the stairs ‘cause we sure don’t want Miss Dons to get mad. 

Actually, Rain and I have been acquainted for quite some time now. We both attended the same university. If memory serves, I've known her since we were in grade school together. However, we never were more than casual friends and certainly never classmates. It wasn't until the start of this school year that I found out we'd be in the same class.

I would say that Rain is incredibly generous and nice if I had to characterize her. And I do mean GENEROUS when I say that. I've observed that anytime somebody requests a favor of her, she does it without delay. Being classmates makes it more likely that I'll notice, as I'm always paying attention to the little details of my environment. Never once did I witness her being unkind to a fellow student. She has a constant, pleasant demeanor and a broad grin plastered on her face.

Eventually we became partners in a particular performance task. In this task, we needed to get to know each other. And this was not just the shallow parts of ourselves but instead, we needed to get in depth with each other. At first, I wasn’t really sure if we’d make a good team. I wanted someone who I am already familiar with. But then I realized, It's actually refreshing to have an in-depth conversation with someone I don't already know very well.

“Just accepting myself and trying to be better.” These were the words she said that struck me. When I inquired as to what areas of her life she was working to better, she responded as follows. We sat in the far corner of the room and swapped anecdotes about each other. In talking with her, I had the impression that she let down her guard a bit, allowing me to learn more about who she really is. 

One of her difficulties, she admitted to me, was keeping her temper in check. The possibility that Rain inherited this trait from her dad was mentioned. "It's terrible," she says, to share a home with someone who can't control their fury. In which the smallest annoyance would cause her father to lose his cool and lash out at those closest to him. This is something I also struggle with, so it really hit home. 

She said this was a major cause of her anxiety. In an effort to avoid her father's wrath, she began to resort to hiding from him. She is finally of age to realize that this is not the kind of upbringing she desires. Although she did admit that there was a period where she was almost like her father. In an effort to make amends for her past mistakes, she is currently working to improve her character.

In light of knowing that Rain had been through such terrible things, I began to wonder how many other people in the world are just like her. Putting up a false front of happiness in the face of overwhelming suffering. But how well do we know those closest to us? Maybe we're only getting a glimpse of their outside appearance and not who they truly are. Rain’s story taught me to become more empathetic because we are not aware of what a person is going through, so the least thing we can do is to be kind.

[cess-is-here]

"bakit sa dami dami nang pwede kong pagtunguhan ay sa mga bisig mo pa; mga bisig mo na walang kasiguraduhan, mga bisig mo na walang tiyak na kasagutan, mga bisig mo na kailanma’y hindi ako mahahagkan."

Uncertainty. Doubt. Signs.

"Ako....at Ikaw?" A heart-wrenching spoken word performance.

[cess-is-here]

“Ako….at Ikaw?”

what are we even?

Nagmamadali na ako para pumasok ta’s matitigilan pa ako ng letseng stoplight na ‘to?! Ang dami na namin dito, Ang init na, Kailan ka ba mag-gogogo? Kaliwa’t kanang reklamo na ang naririnig ko, hindi ko na ‘to maproseso dahil pati ako na rin ay natutuliro. Ang laking kulay ng pula ang nasa paningin ko. Kasama pa nito ang mga numerong disi-nwebe, disi-otyo, disi-syete? Hindi ko na alam, dahil sa dami ng pulang ipinakita mo ay tila nabulag na ako.

‘Yung deadline ko ano na? Baka sungitan na naman ako ng gwardya namin sa school. Antagal naman nito mag go sign. Kailan ka ba magpapakita ng kaberdehan sa ‘kin? Tila ako kasi ay naguguluhan kung ang ikaw pa ba ay akin.

Patuloy ang busina ng mga sasakyan, samu’t saring boses mula sa kalsada. Ang mga ingay na ito ay ang mga boses sa isip ko na hindi ko matakbu-takbuhan. Akin pa bang ipagpipilitan o oras na para ika’y tuluyang sukuan? Mga daan na patungo sa dapat mong puntahan pero tila yata nakikipag lokohan sa akin si Bathala….dahil bakit…bakit sa dami dami ng pwede kong pagtunguhan ay sa mga bisig mo pa; mga bisig mo na walang kasiguraduhan, mga bisig mo na walang tiyak na kasagutan, mga bisig mo na kailanma’y hindi ako mahahagkan.

Tadhana, ginagago mo ba talaga ako? Sa dinami dami ng tao sa mundong ‘to ay bakit kami pa ang iyong ipinagtapo? Uy! Naalala mo pa pala ako. Akala ko kasi ay isa na lamang akong poste sa daan para sayo. Ang tagal na nung huli nating usap ah? Mahal ko, ako pa ba? o may nagbago na. Mahal, alam mo bang hindi ako maka-alis sa kalsada, na noon ay tinatahak nating magkasama. Ngayon, ako ay nananatili pa rin dito, habang ikaw ay umuusad na… ng may ibang kasama. Paulit-ulit na itinatanong sa sarili, saan ba ako nagkamali? O sadyang hindi lang ako ang gusto mo…..na makasama sa paglakbay sa daan na ito.

Alam mo bang ang sakit, sakit mong mahalin. Daig mo pa ‘yung aso sa kalye na bigla biglang susulpot at mawawala rin. Pwede bang linawin na natin ‘to? Andyan na sa harap mo ‘yung stoplight oh. Kulang pa ba 'yang sign na yan para bigyang linaw ang ikaw at ako. Pula para tumigil na at berde kung ipagpapatuloy pa ba at dilaw naman kung mananatili pa rin tayo sa gitna ng dalawa. Mahal ko, mahal kita pero tama na.

[cess-is-here]

One of the benefits of organizing an event is exactly what you're witnessing right now. 😌😎

[cess-is-here]

Undisclosed Narratives: An Explication de Texte into the Miscellany, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories” An Essay by Princess Allyssa R. Mago

First, I'd like to share a popular online saying: "Those who tell stories run the world." Since many years, storytelling has been an integral part of our society. The fact that it draws heavily from the author's own experiences is what sets it apart. This way our eyes are being opened to countless stories that share one’s personal struggles, delight, thoughts, and etc. Stories derived from an author's mind and experience reveal a great deal about their persona. Stories have the power to mold a person's experiences.

Having taken the time to read the first poem, "Dear Diary," I have noticed that the persona is talking to themself about the adversities they have gone through, which caused them to change. The word "change" is subjective to many people because it is neither bad nor good, nor can it be both. Like with this line, "I know I won't be the same again, But here's for the countless untold stories, I'll ever write on." The persona had been through challenges, but they would still strive and continue. This prompted me to the song, “You're Somebody Else”, by Flora Cash, wherein the song is about feeling displaced internally. It is evident in the lyrics, "Well you look like yourself, But you're somebody else,"

Now, for the second poem, "The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus," Compared to the Sisyphus in Greek mythology, the modern Sisyphus referred to in this is about a woman who is going through the same struggle— pushing a boulder up a hill. As indicated in the lines, "Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain, And start once again like nothing happened.". The song that I can associate with this poem is Taylor Swift's "Change" In my understanding of this song, it represents the women in our society who have been fighting for their rights since day one and waiting for their time to come. Manifested in the lines "Because these things will change, Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down, It's a revolution, the time will come."

This time, the third part of this miscellany is "O' Yayi (A Prose Poem)." The idea I got from reading this is that it's about loving someone who is not yet over their one great love. It hurts reading it because you can also feel the longing and pain the persona is feeling. As manifested in the line, "If ever I run out of time here and reach the other side, whose arms would you run back again, mine or Dante's?" It is clearly evident that the author is uncertain if she would choose him or would still pick her past lover. Now, the song “All I Ask” by Adele is what I can relate to in this poem. This song is about a relationship that is on the brink of extinction. And with the lyrics, "If this is my last night with you, Hold me like I'm more than just a friend, Give me a memory I can use.", it shows the uncertainty and fear of the persona and just wanting to feel the love of Yayi, even just for pretend.

For the fourth poem, entitled “Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall” For this one, I’m not confident in my understanding of the message. I have come up with the concept that it is about giving your all to someone you love, even though it would not be reciprocated. The lines where we can see that meaning were “I did what you said and leaned forward, I opened my whole to bare my soul.” Taylor Swift’s “August” is the song that reminded me most of this poem since this song is written about longing for someone who was never really yours. Embodied in the lyrics, “Wanting was enough, For me, it was enough, To live for the hope of it all.”

Now onto the fifth poem, “Umbilical,” I cannot fathom the pain the characters in the poem are feeling. I have come to the conclusion that this piece is about a child’s perspective in the womb of her mother and how he or she comes across the pain and torment that the mother is suffering from. This excerpt, “You have made your purpose, I guarantee. Hush, sleep tight. Everything will be alright.” is both reassuring and devastating. They’re trying to give comfort, but realizing the reason behind makes my heart break into pieces. The child was trying to relieve the mother of her pain by assuring her that she did great in giving her child the chance to see the world but in the end, the mother had to succumb to the dark. So, a song that I would recall after reading this piece is John Legend’s “All of Me.” The lyrics “Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts, Risking it all, though it's hard” manifests how the process had been risky for them both and how one of them had to go. 

We now have the sixth poem, "RE: Paper (I'm Red, IMRaD)*" This piece is very educational as it talks about the education system here in our country. I believe most of us are aware of how poor our quality of education is compared to other emerging countries. Some of the reasons for this are stated in the lines, "If we keep on insisting quality education for students, Why not allow teachers access quality to their extent?" In addition, these lines also struck me, "Help teachers help students. After all, we cannot give what we don't have." This dilemma is still being faced by our society today, and I think that the leaders of our country should be responsible for this. This being said, there is a song that comes to mind that I think captures the feelings of most individuals going through this kind of hardship. That song is Taylor Swift's "The Man," and it is shown in the lyrics, "I'm so sick of running as fast as I can, Wondering if I'd get there quicker,"

Moving along to the seventh part, titled “3 A.M. Awakening,” This poem felt really familiar to me as it describes the feeling of hurt and shame. As we can see in the line, “Heaven spoke lies to me telling I’m sick, With people’s eyes daggering every inch.” I guess we can say that the persona is being judged by the people around them just because they portray them as someone different when the truth is they’re just themselves. The song that I can associate with this piece is “I Can’t Handle Change” by R.O.A.R. The tune of this music kind of represents the mood of the poem for me. In addition to that, this line, “I know it’s not your fault, Still lately, I begin to shake,” from the song, delineates what the persona is feeling.

As I read the eighth poem, “My Frail Lady,” I couldn’t help but notice the subtext and background image in the poetry. Those two details allowed me to deduce the piece’s intended meaning. The subject matter of this poetry is suicide. But other than that, the justification for this particular action is clear. It seems possible that the woman is facing dilemmas that only she is aware of, as suggested by the lines “Such frail, frail lady, Bookkeeps her internal screams.” This reminded me of the song “This Is Home” by Cavetown. From what I can tell, this song is about a person who is dealing with some inner turmoil yet hopes to be healed eventually. The lines where we can see that message were, “Are you tired of me yet? I’m a little sick right now, but I swear, When I’m ready, I will fly us out of here.”

Here we are now at the ninth and last piece of this anthology, “Major Arcana.” Astoundingly, I have discovered a deeper significance in this poem than I had originally intended. The idea that I got upon reading this poem is that it is about tarot reading, and with every card lies messages specifically for the persona’s experiences and future. Some lines that have brought me to this conclusion are “Your fear of transition, keeps you paralyzed in non-action. Being unfazed can be a nail on the head in this period. Take a risk.” Evidently, the persona has a dreadful past which causes them to not look forward to their future. But the tarot cards push them to have hope and start once again. I can relate this piece to the song “Fix You” by Coldplay. This song is about giving hope to someone and letting them know that despite all the adversities, there is still hope. Manifested in the lines “Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you.”

In conclusion, this collection of stories has made me more aware of the various challenges that members of our society, particularly women, face. I've discovered that these tales allow us to view the world from their point of view, which has led me to wonder how many more of these tales remain untold. If many stories like this are shared throughout the world, then I think it will also give them hope, just like it did to me. This anthology showed me that even through the worst times of our lives, there would still be a silver lining we can hold onto. 

[cess-is-here]

Hi! I'm Princess Allyssa R. Mago. I was born in January 13. Yup. You're right. I'm a Capricorn baby ♑ (no haters pls) I'm currently in my 12th grade in the HUMSS strand. In contrast to my earlier entry, "Loving Me is Hard," I have (not fully, but i'm trying) realized that loving "me" IS AND SHOULD BE a PROCESS. Self-love is a journey, not a destination. Instead of being excessively critical of ourselves, we should encourage our development into our best selves. 🫶

[cess-is-here]

Get to know me! Hello! My name is— and loving me is—