kend @ch50s - Tumblr Blog

i really am scared of being older. and i already know i don't wanna be older since elementary school, I'm so scared. like imagine being a kid, doing crazy things are normal

to think of it, I'm just lucky. I'm very happy lately. but I'm still that messed up girl from 4th grade, she never leaves. i should've known that. I'm very happy that good things are happening to me. but I'm still fake, right? people don't know me, my friends don't, who knows what my family knows about me? i hate myself, i always do. the only difference is that i finally have hope, I believe life did get better at some point. maybe my life is peak rn, but i will never be truly happy. I'm happy because of the people around me, the happy things going on. but i will always hate myself, i hate the fact that i never actually healed. always relapsing, never being the person i wanted to be. i study because I don't wanna be dumb, not because i have a reason to live. till this day, I'm still questioning life, questioning my own existence. i do believe people are born because they have a meaning, they have purpose, I'm sure i do. but why can't i be perfect? why can't I know what i want? i feel like I've been so miserable for a long time, that all i wanted was just to be happy. now that I'm happy, what am i gonna do? I'm scared it'll go back to the old ways, i know it will. happiness won't last forever ig, not when you're a confused teenager. don't know what else to say, i still hate myself. am i not grateful?