margaret diaries

to exist, live and to breathe

[chacha-diaries]

a price to pay

June 13, 2026

How come nothing good in this world comes without a price?

One. Just one fucking chance to have something you’ve been longing for so long, and yet there’s always a gist. You can never be too happy in this life. There’s always an inherent sacrifice for something your desires. There’s always an exchange, there’s always something you have to give up. Every choice comes with a decision to give.

Every desire comes with a price.

I had to hate this fucking system of life that you have to earn happiness. You have to work for it. You have to fucking climb it.

Who the fuck chose to be alive anyway? And yet life will give you this shitty bullshits everytime so you have peace and joy and fucking love. Who would’ve choose to be disintegrated into million fucking pieces because it’s the price to pay towards something you truly want?

One shot of love. For the first time in my life, I’ve let myself be loved. For the first time in my life I never wanted to be alone again. For the first time in my life I have loved it so much because I finally have someone to share my life with. And yet there’s always a price to pay. I’m so mad. I’m so fucking mad. My heart is raging with the thought of fighting for who I truly am. For justifying why I am who I am. I’m so fucking mad with just having the thought of having reasons for you to exist.

I fucking hate it. I hate that I exist without my permission, and yet you give me a heart and mind that think on their own, but I have to follow these premeditated, standard paths to validate my existence. Oh yes, you did that; you follow it all the way; you’ve done a good job becoming my daughter.

It’s so hard to become a human.

Sometimes I hate living.

cha

[chacha-diaries]

All that to say

May 16, 2026

I used to stare at the ceiling and wait ‘til my alarm wakes me up and remind me I need to sleep. As I lay my body to sleep tonight, I listened to these voice mails I’ve kept since October, it reminds me I’m not alone anymore. Oh god I wouldn’t trade those for the world. I never realized good mornings are really good, and that good nights are actually peaceful.

I remember forever exists where past and the future are nowhere to be found. But ever since, ít always feel forever. As if my heart wishes to jump out my ribcage because it’s full.

It feels full that words ain’t coming out right. I cannot think of a phrase that can make those three words feel enough.

I pray she stays here a little longer.

I can’t breathe when she’s not around.

Love, chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

I almost forgot

April 23, 2026

I almost forgot. The grieving, the yearning, the thirst for belongingness. For the longest time, the ink of my quill has always been full of despair. It wakes and sleeps in the coldest of nights. It wonders, it wanders. I was surrounded and yet it still felt lonely. I have loved the solidarity of oneself. I have loved to walk and cry alone. I loved to hug myself when it was starting to fall apart, piece by piece spiraling down into the depths of where I stand. I have witnessed it crushed and its renaissance.

I almost forgot how it feels to weep and to enter a cycle of atomic crushing of the soul. I have forgotten to stare at the ceiling waiting for the sun to come up. I have forgotten to yearn for love, for warmth.

Because it finally found me.

Along the nights I have cried my way here. The way I screamed silently through our bathroom walls. The way my pillowcases wiped off the tears when it started falling at night. All the paths I have walked alone, with just my thoughts of when love will meet me. How come everyone and everything come in pairs?

And then tonight I found myself walking on the same path, with a hand holding mine. With an ear that listens when I buzz. My heart hurts so good. And I can’t help but let the tears come down as I write.

I realized love isn’t just a verb. It is a person. And it truly does just like how the scriptures said, love is patient, love is kind. She is patient. She is kind. She does not envy. She does not boast. She is not arrogant. She is not rude. She is not self-seeking. She does not keep records of the wrongs. She rejoices in truth. She bears all things. She believes all things. She hopes for all things. She endures for all things. Her love never ends.

I understand now 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

She is love.

And there she made my ink dry, because I’m breathing the words I used to write. I wasn’t writing anymore, I am in those words now.

And my heart hurt so good, so good, knowing that when I shut my eyes and when I open them, there she is waiting for me.

So yes I forgot to write, because right now I’m not the writer I guess I’m the story that’s being written.

Waiting for her to reply made me write this. I guess it will be hard for me to think of tomorrow without her anymore. Oh God, how come I lose but win at the same time?

chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

hello sunflower

November 27, 2025

This month is almost done and yet I have nothing to write, maybe because I am so busy living each day of it. For almost two months it felt like a year already.

Last night for the first time I prayed.

I realized I stopped whispering at night, because it felt like I will not be heard. This year has opened a part of me I kept trying not to unleash, but I can’t help it. It’s who I am. I talked to God about her.

I like her and the moment I heard her voice crack I knew right there and then I would love her until those wounds never hurt anymore. If it’s a sin to love, I’ll ask forgiveness every day so I can keep her one more minute.

She’s one of the most beautiful things ever happened to me this year. I wasn’t looking for anything but she found me.

I can’t write much about her because no words can justify her existence.

Cha

[chacha-diaries]

what shall I say now

October 2, 2025

September slipped in time.

Ever since I made my way back to the Bureau, the pacing of my life shifted from that slow uncertainty to a ride without a break. I feel like I haven’t been with myself. I was on autopilot. I’m always moving week after week, until my body asks for sleep. I haven’t touched my things since I started. It was messy. But every start is always messy. As it should.

Well, I have no clue what happens next but all I did in September was to show up. I wake up, I smile, work, walk, laugh, then I sleep. Maybe, I’ll be just fine.

Love, Cha

[chacha-diaries]

it makes sense

August 24, 2025

I recently questioned myself with this recurring pattern of trying to prove that you’re worthy of love. But when I think of the color yellow, or the flowers on the sidewalks, it never did anything to prove to me I should love them.

Yellow never tried to prove to me why it is worthy of my love. I just love it. I just did. No questions asked. And perhaps that’s true with all of us.

Maybe on a random rainy afternoon, someone out there will come to love you with everything that you are without you even uttering a word. It's just because it is you. No justifications needed.

It's your mere existence that makes them want to see another day. And I hope I meet that love, the way I love lilies and every shade of yellow, or maybe purple. The way I love those words in my books that feel like it was made for me. The way that song goes on the radio when I’m riding a bus home came out and it just became my favorite. It's that subtle whisper in your heart “this one”. I hope that love finds me.

The love that I never had to do anything other than existing.

That love that values every page of my story and how I managed to reach these phrases that finally include their name. I wonder how it’d feel to be held with so much fragility without me even handing my heart just yet and when I finally do, I hope they’d treat it like how they would have wanted their heart to be carried as well.

Because that is yellow for me. It's like an extension of myself that I cared for so dearly. Because I’d love you the way I love myself.

So I hope you take your time, and find me.

Cha.

[chacha-diaries]

set it free

August 21, 2025

I guess I shall learn my lesson to let things go when it wants to go. There’s no proving and trying to make them see your value. Just let it be. Let them go. Let them not see. Let them miss. Let them walk away. Just let them go where they want to go. No trying to make them see what they’ve almost get.

There is a reason why it slipped in my hands. It was never meant for me anyway. But I’m happy to have spent a cent of time with them than living a lifetime without ever breathing into their existence.

I’m happy you happened.

Love, Chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

Chapter 24

July 29, 2025

The pages of chapter 23 came with a lot of heartbreaks & goodbyes. I have lived through varying levels of grief at once that I never thought my heart could carry a wide range of baggage of emotions. It’s learning how to walk away in places where love and respect are not being served. Regardless of the years spent together. It's mourning a thousand funerals of who you used to be over and over again and finding the forgiveness, compassion, and grace for oneself. And here I am with so much love again.

It’s realizing you are just a human and this life is way too short to be with people who barely hold it with care. Time is fleeting to stay with people who refuse to see, to listen, and to meet you halfway.

The universe will never leave you empty. It has a way to fill the spaces you have already outgrown with something better. Every goodbye was a hello indeed.

The universe has its way of shaking things up in career, family, and friendships. It will stretch your heart and soul so painfully that you can receive what is truly meant for you. Maybe it's a period of realignment. It's a period of waiting. This time it called me to stay still. To trust and to hold on for whatever tomorrow is preparing me for.

It's funny that in the period of loss, you learn how to give. It’s the unending coming and going. It’s always the process of knowing and unknowing. It’s always holding on and letting it go. It’s only going through what is and just smiling back with what was. It's always breaking and building again and again. Grief truly is a faster teacher than joy.

Love and grief co-exist. I grieve so I can love. I love so I can grieve. It's what keeps me going. It is what keeps me breathing. It's the curse of being able to love so deeply that you become accustomed to loss. It's understanding that forever exists in the present. Forever exists in between the past and the future. It only knows, now. It's in this very second you’re reading this line where forever truly exists.

The greater the loss, the bigger our circle expands. Maybe it means the greater your endurance for loss the more your capability to love extends.

What a privilege to grieve because it’s proof that you loved what once was.

I honor every character who didn’t make it to this day and I am eternally grateful for the people who stayed despite it all. I honor the love and the time we shared for everything always comes with a reason. And everything, both the good and bad, always leads you back to yourself. May all the uncertainty of today unfold tomorrow.

Until we say hello again.

My 23rd year was a balance of love, grief, and joy.

It is life in its truest form.

I’m ready to turn the page.

Same time next year?

[chacha-diaries]

roberta

July 20, 2025

Maybe there was never a name. Maybe we were just two stories that collided for a moment.

But still, you mattered to me. You still do.

You opened doors in me that I had long sealed shut.

I don’t let people in easily, not because I’m cold, but because I’ve lived through grief for a very long time. I have mended my heart multiple times from the people who barely held it with care. But with you, I softened. Quickly. You made it feel safe to feel again. To want. To imagine. And maybe that’s why this ending cut deeper than it should have.

Because I wasn’t just mourning you,

I was mourning the version of myself I finally let out, only for her to be met with the sound of the door closing. I know you just wanted to be included in this special time of my life. But I’m still unsure of what role you’re gonna play in my life. We were just starting. What if I include you and you leave? That will break my heart too. I’m being careful because I have been taking care of myself for years now and I can’t risk it so soon. Oh god knows how much atomic soul-crushing of the soul I had to endure so you can meet this version of me. I have to know you first, Shar.

For the longest time, I have closed my heart to love. I made sure no soul will ever reach it until proven worthy. But then I met you. Sometimes you will meet someone so suddenly that all of those walls feel like they never existed before. It scared me. I knew I liked you when I started to be scared because I wanted to keep you. Whatever it takes I want to keep you. All the love I kept pouring into myself throughout these years will just come out for you. I like you, I know I like you because you made me think of tomorrow.

I was excited to wake up so I could greet you good morning. I am so happy whenever you’re awake. For the first time, I stayed up late so I could listen more of you. I want to know more. Oh god knows, I wish that time never ended. I think of you when I see white roses or when I pass by hospitals wondering, “So this is your world”. I started watching your favorite films because I want to learn why you love them. I want to learn you.

For a short period of time,

I wanted it to be you.

It made me sad when I read those lines. Was that an offer or a test? To prove if I am genuine? But love never should be about bending yourself over around someone, but to grow alongside that person. Love is about compromising. We are entirely different individuals intersecting into one. I have a life before you. You were never part of the calendar. I didn’t expect you to come into my life this month, and yet here we are. I am not sorry for having boundaries, but I was hopeful you’d understand why this matters to me as well. They were the people who were there in my life’s darkest moment. If it weren’t for them, you wouldn’t meet this version of myself. You are asking me for a spot in my life when we’re just talking for a week. I didn’t even know your full name or what you sound like. But I understand it’s a big deal for you. I’m sorry if I failed to keep you here, Shar. I’m sorry if I asked for a little time.

You know I am limited. I have no means to accommodate you yet and you deserve a proper date, Shar. Oh god knows I was looking for a good movie theater and a restaurant. I was already thinking of what I should wear and how I’ll get you home safely. I was already planning in the place where you had already left me. I am so ready for you. I’m so ready to give. I’m learning how I will meet you halfway. Because I decided I want to keep you. But I hope you find whatever your heart needs.

And maybe this is a dynamic that might’ve drained me dry just to “prove” my love over and over. I know what I can bring to the table, Shar. I just need a little trust and patience from you. I understand you’ve been with a lot of people before me, and they made you feel unloved in some ways, but here I am showing you how I broke and built myself so I can stand for you. No, it's never a facade. Everything I shared with you is true. I’m willing to grow and to mend if it means I can keep you. Grow in the sense that I wouldn’t orbit around you but to walk & grow beside you. I just hoped you would let me try, and be a human.

I know I was brave for opening a door I never knew existed. It may only be nineteen days, but for me it was real. I handed you pieces of me that no one else has ever seen. So of course it hurts, not because it was long but because it was deep for me. I thought I had found my safe place where I can be seen as I am. My intentions were true and never performative, that’s why it made me sad. I guess I’ll take a rest again from this. I don’t know when my heart will open again. I ain’t built for casual things, baby. Perhaps, I do live in a 19th-century kind of love.

How I wish you gave it a proper chance. How I wish you tried to see me first. How I wish you never concluded from what little you know about me. You judged me already before I stepped in. How I wish we saw things the same. How I wish you let me love you.

It made me sad, I won’t greet you good morning tomorrow.

And I hope your decision made you breathe, and it gave you peace. I want you to be happy, Shar. Still, I thank you for telling me you love white roses & tulips. For the late-night talks, the laughter, the little stories. For letting me hear your fears and dreams and share mine. For the way you spoke about your field with so much passion, and the way your words made me want to dive into everything unknown. You awakened something in me that I didn’t expect. I found myself waiting for you each day on your one-week trip hoping you’d share with me little stories of your day, but I don’t wanna be a bother. I want you to focus and enjoy the moment as it is. So I said to myself, I’ll bother you when you come home. But I guess I won’t have the chance to do it anymore. I mean what else can I do? It’s beyond my control. But I’m grateful to you.

I’m writing this to honor your existence in my life and the time we shared.

You reminded me I could feel, even after everything I’ve survived. Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of opening my heart wide open again even for a moment.

I don’t regret meeting you.

But I do wish you’d stayed long enough to meet me fully.

And may you never forget

You mattered here.

You were real here.

You were enough here

Thank you for another story that never even had a page one.

Love, Cha.

[chacha-diaries]

when it’s finally my turn

July 18, 2025

I pray that when love finds her she’ll cry better than when she was enduring it all alone.

I hope this time it will listen, it will stay. I pray it won’t push her away nor hesitate to reach her. I hope it will not only stand at a distance but will also take the courage to walk beside her.

I hope this time she will be wanted not just appreciated. I hope this time someone will see her for who she is and claim her as theirs. I hope someday a person will walk through her life and realize she’s the only thing they’ve ever wanted.

chacha

[chacha-diaries]

Gray May

June 1, 2025

I forgot to write here because I am in Zombie mode for the whole month of May. I went to the gym and had my first 16 km race. I crossed off some of my bucket list too way back in 2023. Makati getaway and tried to do shooting range too which was amazing. I enjoy my gym sessions with my new friends too, Rober, Minnie, and Martin.

What else more? Actually, I don’t feel anything at all. I’m merely existing ;)

chacha

[chacha-diaries]

we could happen

(chacha’s little love stories & heartbreaks in her inconsequential teenage life)

April 26, 2025

Then I met this boy from our neighborhood. He was a year ahead of me. He persistently added me on Facebook, until I gave up and accepted it. Our common friends were pressuring me to try and talk with him at that time. So I gave it a chance. We had the same humor. He has pretty eyes, complemented by his thick eyebrows.

He was from another school, but every morning, he would wake up early to wait for me on the tennis court in our subdivision just one block away from our house, just to walk me to school. I remember the first we walked together, he had nothing but a smile. No words were muttered in his mouth the whole time. I swear he was blushing. I remember it was pure silence as we reached the gates of my school. It became routine, he always waited for me on that same corner, so he could have 5 minutes with me.

Then those strolls evolved into Sunday services, handwritten letters, explosion boxes, unending gifts, and late-night laughter. Oh god knows, it feels like we were the only people on Earth. I remember he’d always wait for me in front of our house, with his skinny jeans, and pair of Vans. He loved those sneakers. He used to say I was his ideal girl and hoped he could be someone like me someday. We completed those nine days of simbang gabi and celebrated Christmas together. We have welcomed new years until 2021.

He used to tell me of his dream of becoming a pilot someday, and yet I have no news whether he passed his board exams as a licensed Engineer. Funny. How much knowledge we have about someone and yet here we are as complete strangers.

He was my best friend when I had zero idea how life works, but thinking I did somehow know. When life is just about boys, girls, and crushes. He wrote me letters until my 18th birthday. Then one day he found someone, and we drifted apart.

I remember him requesting for me to sing this song, because he was hoping that maybe, just maybe,

we could happen.

It never did, because I realized it too late. We haven’t spoken since the 21st of September of 2021.

I’ve never seen him again, though we lived in the same neighborhood.

Now, I realize how shortlived our time with every person we meet in our lives & how important it is to give your best at every moment with them because nothing is yours to keep. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. 

He taught me the value of now. And how assumptions can turn silences into strangers when all I had to do was to ask and have a sprinkle of courage.

love, chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

if you ask me I’d say

April 25, 2025

If you ask me what’s the most heartbreaking experience I had with love that’d probably,

teaching you how to love me, only for you to love another and never to love me back

it’s mending parts of you so you can love her properly

it’s showing you what makes me happy, so you can make her the happiest

It’s telling you I love lilies and carnations so you can build her a garden

It’s making punchlines so you can make her laugh or the best pick-up line to give her butterflies.

It’s opening you to my world, so you can color her universe brighter

it’s becoming the right person for you, so you can do the right things for her

it’s giving you a piece of me, a piece I worked day & night, so she can be yours.

love, chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

I’d always look for you

April 25, 2025

If I were in a room full of every person I have ever loved, I’d always come run to you. You will always be the first person I’d look for. Each time my heart shattered into tiny pieces, I always think of you. No one has ever loved me like you did. I don’t know why I am crying right now, but my heart yearns for the same love I have experienced only with you. The love that prevails despite a hundred times of me pushing you away. The love that keeps coming back regardless of how much I have tainted it, crushed it. You loved me the same way. I yearned for a love that desired nothing but to be with me. I wonder what happened in all those 6 years with the aftermath of you. I always wonder, “Is this my karma?” for letting you go on the 5th of July? I guess my core metrics of love had been engraved deeply during my formative years. I hate that maybe I struggle because I keep waiting for someone who will survive the coldest layers of my walls simply for the reason of desiring to be with me. After all, it is me. Because you badly wanted it to be ME.

Maybe I yearn for my first love, because it was the only time I realized I have experienced to be valued genuinely not because I was some kind of a trophy girlfriend you could flex, but because you can see me in your future. And you want to keep choosing me today so I can still be part of your tomorrow. How I wish I’ve seen that before, but I was way too young. Too young to understand how love works. I thank God each time I think of you. I cry each time I remember how much I was loved by you. I smile each time I see things, been into places, songs that remind me of you.

Because you are one of the most beautiful thing that happened in my life. I never thought your life would impact me this badly. Even though we were kids who barely knew what we were doing, you loved me genuinely. I know, because that’s something rare to find these days. It’s rare to find someone who could see you and only you. They want it to be you. But I know even if I go back in time, it will never work. We were meant to grow apart, and maybe the page you were talking about never really exists. It was just a hopeful part that I knew the both of us wept and grieved.

Whenever I’m awake at 3 AM crying my shattered heart out because someone didn't know how to love it again, I whisper your name.

love, chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

Love

April 8, 2025

When love finally found me, I pray I’ll cry better than how I cried when I am enduring it all alone.

Love is giving. It’s healing. It speaks life, wisdom, truth, and peace. A lot has said my love healed them. I’ve seen souls find love right after they met me. They say that the very thing we want to receive, we should learn how to give it first. That's why I give it. I love people the same way I want to be loved too. I see right through them hoping they can see right through me too. I teach them how to see themselves so they will know how to see me too. So I keep giving the exact thing I wish to receive. And that's love.

I don't know if I am wrong for wishing to experience the same love I keep giving to everyone else. Why do we yearn to be loved by broken people? And when our love finally mended them they eventually left and gave what they learned to another? Why do I keep building a person for another?

When I showed you how to love me, you kept it in mind and offered it to someone else. It's so funny that my love has healed you to love another but never to love me back. I guess it's a natural thing for human reciprocity. We live in exchange. It's always a give and take. I always felt guilty to ask for it. That asking to be reciprocated invalidates the very thing you gave. As they say, we give and expect nothing in return. But do we really expect NOTHING in return? I don’t think so. We make fools of ourselves thinking we are saints who never need to receive something back. Maybe I should find the grace and wisdom to decipher the difference of this.

[chacha-diaries]

what happened in march

March 31, 2025

Hmm. I’m quite not sure where to start or how this month went for me, but I guess it’s a little better than January & February. I tried to get up everyday. I tried to shade every single habit I wish to developed. Every week, I always make sure there’s something I can write under “What I loved & learned this week”. Even if my only achievement was to wake up. I had productive weeks and sleepy days I had days filled with me just breathing the whole day. Before I got back to this social media shit, I had already shut down everything that had hurt and broke me into pieces. From career, and friendships & to family.

I’m done feeling things for it. I have decided to start again. I have decided to rebuild again. I have decided to show up for myself again. I have decided to pick up the debris from where I fell so hard that I have seen my soul cracked wide open. I have gained clarity. I have decided to be intentional with people, from the things I will allow, and from the things I have to let go. This month I can attest my heart is raging with anger from grieving when I finally dared to turn the page. To loosen the grip and hope for the things that no longer serve me and people who is simply not the right person to begin with.

Oh God knows, I am mad. I don’t feel anything but rage and disgust for the person I used to be. I hated her so much that I trained in the morning and night so I would forget who she was from February and the months before it. I don’t want to see her again. I hate her so much, that she had given herself like that again for the wrong people, but still managed to care how it’d make them feel if she walked away.

It disgusts me how she tried to make a home for people who can’t even give her a seat at their table. And it sickens me to the core, that I force myself to a table that doesn't even have a value in it to offer & elevate my life but I still believed it was a privilege, how fucked up was that. It nauseates the hell out of me each time I think about how I gave someone the power to make me feel unvalued. I hate myself that I take full responsibility for it. I am accountable for every strand of emotions I have felt and the narratives to which I attached to it. Because at the end of the day, maybe I was just longing to be loved, and I have hoped and searched for it again for the wrong things. I have given too much again when it should have been poured to me. I have been too kind to others but not to myself. But I have no regrets at all. Every beat of my heart has been genuine, and whether they are deserving or not, they are meant to have it and I am destined to feel & learn this. I am still grateful for how the universe will let you be entangled with someone in this lifetime to show you that the blanks you are trying to fill will never be answered by another, because you already have it. It's already inside you all along, and sometimes someone will help you remember that by showing you how it should NOT be done.

They are probably right when they say you will know what you want when you start with the things you don’t want. And life has its way to let you experience what you don’t want so you will be directed to the path where the desires of your heart are truly aligned. Hahaha and yes I had to get hurt so I could learn this wisdom, again and again and again.

Self-respect is not something you pick up on the street, it is something you learn the hard way. It is a value that you earn after crushing yourself into the ground.

I am proud of how I closed that chapter. It saddens me from time to time but I know deep within my scarred bones it is the right decision after all.

So maybe this month, I started a clean slate. I’ll start putting my life piece by piece again until I can never recall who I used to be yesterday. And I will carry only those who have shown me grace when I couldn’t myself. I’ll write them again in this new chapter I am making because they have shown me what love should be. How love should circle back. They have shown me how it should have been all along.

I guess I’ll start again from zero to one. I am excited to meet new people now. I feel liberated now.

Chacha.

[chacha-diaries]

when it is time to walk away

February 15, 2025

Dark times reveal your people.

If there is one thing I learned from hitting the lowest point of my life after my Papa’s funeral, it's realizing who ACTUALLY cares for you. I almost die the day after the funeral. Something has died in me too. It went black. It was the hopeless time of my life ever since 2020. It’s hopeless. I’ve reached my limit. Everything I ever looked forward to just vanished in thin air. I’ve loosened the grip in my life.

I just lost her.

I’ve had the biggest breakdown in my life in 6th of February. I witnessed my soul leaving my body. I have no hopes, no “let’s try again tomorrow” card. A great depression just fell right on me and I am not the same anymore.

It made me realize who the very people to keep and to let go of. The people I expected to show up just never did. I told to myself that even if I dropped down dead at this very moment, they just wouldn’t try. I gave away too much of myself for the people I thought I mattered enough to be part of their priorities too. It hurts and it saddens me to think I never truly matter to them like how they deeply matter to me.

As they say, it's not the one you have fun with, but the one who was there in the hospital. It's not the one who’s in the picture but rather the one who was there during the fall. I will never forget this. I won’t cater bullshits and mouthfuls of words and promises and apologies anymore.

I’ve had to reach and hit fucking hard to realize it is time to walk away. This is a testimony of the depths of my heart and the time, love, and effort I can give to the people I treasure enough to be my priority.

And right now, I know what to do.

For the longest time, I stayed and held on because I am not a leaver. I know how it feels to be deserted. God knows I would walk through heaven and hell with you. Heavens be my witness I will show up despite it all. I believe you are worthy to give even the milliseconds of my life because I never want you to walk alone and break alone regardless of how you will push me away. But watching myself dying into pieces made me realize where I stand on the lives of certain people. How fucking a struggle for them to give you a minute? When you can give them a day. Why do we give so much to people who never even try?

This became the ultimate truth of friendship, it is showing up for them even on days when it's hard for you to show up too. It's a two-way fucking street. It’s not being a friend when everything is going well but it is carrying heavy baggage, but will still be willing to walk with you while you carry your shits too. Because it's better to walk by two than one. It's not solving each other's problems, but sitting beside them while they are figuring their shits out. It’s not having the fear of overshadowing their struggles with yours, but rather giving each other the equal space to be heard and to be understood. That speaking up, and sharing your hurdles does not diminish the weight of the other. There is no such thing as pettiness in what feels like a world for you. It's helping each other to give light until the last grain of what’s troubling your heart without having the thought of being a burden to someone. It's throwing the biggest middle finger to each other's life’s adversity. Fuck your problems, fuck my problems, let’s keep walking. We’ll figure this out. It's not possessing and carrying the other like it's yours but having the ability to co-exist while being responsible for our personal battles. It's giving them a minute to check in, so they know, they are not alone. It's telling them, you have me, don’t worry. It's knowing whatever happens you have each other's back.

Before I always thought that the most important thing in life is to show up for everything and everyone that I value. I was wrong because not everyone is worth showing up for. Not everyone deserves your presence.

It should be, showing up for people who you value and ALSO value you.

Because God knows, I would drop everything when you tell me all the lights went off. I would come running when you tell me it hurts. Well fuck it, let’s get hurt together. Let's go laugh and cry in uncertainty. Together we’ll make life bearable. That tells me the basic foundation of any relationship I will be willing to keep. It's a bare minimum.

And anything that fails to fall into this is not my people. No more excuses, just walk the fuck away.

Cha