Maybe there was never a name. Maybe we were just two stories that collided for a moment.
But still, you mattered to me. You still do.
You opened doors in me that I had long sealed shut.
I don’t let people in easily, not because I’m cold, but because I’ve lived through grief for a very long time. I have mended my heart multiple times from the people who barely held it with care. But with you, I softened. Quickly. You made it feel safe to feel again. To want. To imagine. And maybe that’s why this ending cut deeper than it should have.
Because I wasn’t just mourning you,
I was mourning the version of myself I finally let out, only for her to be met with the sound of the door closing. I know you just wanted to be included in this special time of my life. But I’m still unsure of what role you’re gonna play in my life. We were just starting. What if I include you and you leave? That will break my heart too. I’m being careful because I have been taking care of myself for years now and I can’t risk it so soon. Oh god knows how much atomic soul-crushing of the soul I had to endure so you can meet this version of me. I have to know you first, Shar.
For the longest time, I have closed my heart to love. I made sure no soul will ever reach it until proven worthy. But then I met you. Sometimes you will meet someone so suddenly that all of those walls feel like they never existed before. It scared me. I knew I liked you when I started to be scared because I wanted to keep you. Whatever it takes I want to keep you. All the love I kept pouring into myself throughout these years will just come out for you. I like you, I know I like you because you made me think of tomorrow.
I was excited to wake up so I could greet you good morning. I am so happy whenever you’re awake. For the first time, I stayed up late so I could listen more of you. I want to know more. Oh god knows, I wish that time never ended. I think of you when I see white roses or when I pass by hospitals wondering, “So this is your world”. I started watching your favorite films because I want to learn why you love them. I want to learn you.
For a short period of time,
It made me sad when I read those lines. Was that an offer or a test? To prove if I am genuine? But love never should be about bending yourself over around someone, but to grow alongside that person. Love is about compromising. We are entirely different individuals intersecting into one. I have a life before you. You were never part of the calendar. I didn’t expect you to come into my life this month, and yet here we are. I am not sorry for having boundaries, but I was hopeful you’d understand why this matters to me as well. They were the people who were there in my life’s darkest moment. If it weren’t for them, you wouldn’t meet this version of myself. You are asking me for a spot in my life when we’re just talking for a week. I didn’t even know your full name or what you sound like. But I understand it’s a big deal for you. I’m sorry if I failed to keep you here, Shar. I’m sorry if I asked for a little time.
You know I am limited. I have no means to accommodate you yet and you deserve a proper date, Shar. Oh god knows I was looking for a good movie theater and a restaurant. I was already thinking of what I should wear and how I’ll get you home safely. I was already planning in the place where you had already left me. I am so ready for you. I’m so ready to give. I’m learning how I will meet you halfway. Because I decided I want to keep you. But I hope you find whatever your heart needs.
And maybe this is a dynamic that might’ve drained me dry just to “prove” my love over and over. I know what I can bring to the table, Shar. I just need a little trust and patience from you. I understand you’ve been with a lot of people before me, and they made you feel unloved in some ways, but here I am showing you how I broke and built myself so I can stand for you. No, it's never a facade. Everything I shared with you is true. I’m willing to grow and to mend if it means I can keep you. Grow in the sense that I wouldn’t orbit around you but to walk & grow beside you. I just hoped you would let me try, and be a human.
I know I was brave for opening a door I never knew existed. It may only be nineteen days, but for me it was real. I handed you pieces of me that no one else has ever seen. So of course it hurts, not because it was long but because it was deep for me. I thought I had found my safe place where I can be seen as I am. My intentions were true and never performative, that’s why it made me sad. I guess I’ll take a rest again from this. I don’t know when my heart will open again. I ain’t built for casual things, baby. Perhaps, I do live in a 19th-century kind of love.
How I wish you gave it a proper chance. How I wish you tried to see me first. How I wish you never concluded from what little you know about me. You judged me already before I stepped in. How I wish we saw things the same. How I wish you let me love you.
It made me sad, I won’t greet you good morning tomorrow.
And I hope your decision made you breathe, and it gave you peace. I want you to be happy, Shar. Still, I thank you for telling me you love white roses & tulips. For the late-night talks, the laughter, the little stories. For letting me hear your fears and dreams and share mine. For the way you spoke about your field with so much passion, and the way your words made me want to dive into everything unknown. You awakened something in me that I didn’t expect. I found myself waiting for you each day on your one-week trip hoping you’d share with me little stories of your day, but I don’t wanna be a bother. I want you to focus and enjoy the moment as it is. So I said to myself, I’ll bother you when you come home. But I guess I won’t have the chance to do it anymore. I mean what else can I do? It’s beyond my control. But I’m grateful to you.
I’m writing this to honor your existence in my life and the time we shared.
You reminded me I could feel, even after everything I’ve survived. Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of opening my heart wide open again even for a moment.
I don’t regret meeting you.
But I do wish you’d stayed long enough to meet me fully.
Thank you for another story that never even had a page one.