Tears of a Standout Chameleon

[chameleontears]

It’s Always You

Laying in bed

The long day behind me

And I can finally close my eyes…

And then a squeeze

On my left breast

A beckoning

I am not done yet

Once

Twice

After four I gave in

And I rolled over on top of him

I closed my eyes

And suddenly it was you.

Your eyes staring back at mine.

My fingers combing through your hair

Longer than I remember 

Tangling 

Tugging

And your teeth

Biting my nipple

And your hands 

Cupping my thighs

And my thighs

Squeezing against your thighs

Grinding against your bones.

I can feel your arms wrapping around me

Like when I wore my red pajamas

And I felt weightless

And your lips 

Felt like the anchor

Keeping me from floating away.

And I blink and it’s him again

And I shake my head

Willing it to be you

And suddenly every touch is annoying

And every kiss is forced.

I don’t want to be here.

So I close my eyes

And it’s you.

Your tongue down my neck

And your fingers gripping my hips

And your muscles pulling me

Pushing me

Pulling me

Pushing

Your eyes

Behind glasses

In that photo

With the button down

I’m seeing it

Feeling it

You

You 

You

And it’s over.

And I blink

It’s not you.

[chameleontears]

I have done the remarkable.

I carved out bits of myself and I molded them together with pieces of twine and gobs of paste.

I contorted my body to fit him and tore it apart just to hold him.

I created life.

And he has my eyes.

And I hate him.

I look at him and when he smiles my heart vibrates and I can’t hold back the tears of joy.

I felt his heart beat inside me. I felt his feet pushing against my rib cage asking for more room.

But sometimes I look at him and I feel nothing but rage. And then the tears start back up because how could a mother hate her child?

How could I stare at that perfect nose and want to pinch it closed?

How could I look into his eyes - my eyes - and glare in defiance?

No one gets to own me. No one gets to control me. And yet he does.

I’m not myself anymore.

And I never had the chance to mourn.

He was so early. And he was so small. And I couldn’t keep him warm. I couldn’t keep his belly full.

I failed.

And I keep failing.

Every time I hear him cry it’s like a stab in my heart.

I’m his mother. So why can’t I figure out how to be his fucking mother?!

[chameleontears]

Does Anyone Care?

He doesn't care. I say Stop smoking Stop drinking While you drive Don't you want to be alive? I want you to. He says He doesn't care. He didn't care. When I said I love you And I wrote you A song I could sing it for you? I want to. He said He doesn't care. He didn't care When he picked up my notebook And read aloud my words My thoughts My fears To everyone around Did I say you could do that? I didn't. He said He doesn't care. He didn't care When I had that sixth beer And a shot of UV blue All the better to see you with My dear All the better to steal from you My dear Was I responsive? I wasn't. He clearly didn't care. You cared. When I needed you And you needed me too It was everything to me And I would give anything To have one more night with you Would you? I want you to. But I know You don't care.

[chameleontears]

Are You Still There?

Sometimes I wonder Are you still listening? Did you give up on your words? I've given up on mine Many times. I wouldn't blame you For starting new For leaving everything behind If I could I would too. Are you still out there? Reading from afar While you're sitting there Nursing a beer Alone at the bar Or are you not alone anymore? I don't want to know I want to see you always As I remember you now Eyes shining No Sparkling No Shimmering Laughing Hoping Loving. Crinkled corners And Rumpled sleeves We were messy And carefree And careful And loved. Every day I wonder Are you still there?

[chameleontears]

Your stool next to mine

Our bottles clinking

Your hand from my knee to my thigh

I keep thinking

It’s only the first beer we’ve had, don’t be nervous

It’s not like he’s trying to get in your pants

But he is.

Only half of the way through the first bottle of cheap beer and he already said 

“Let’s get out of here.”

Wait. 

Are you fucking kidding me?

I played it cool, don’t make a scene, don’t be rude

“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not” I said with a smile

He can’t possibly be angry if I smile, right?

“Oh I’m serious” he replies

And at that moment I could just feel it from his eyes

There was heat radiating down from my face but my toes were colder than the beer that was forcing it’s way back up in my throat

So I said “Let’s go.”

He was out the door before I even put my coat on

he kept saying, “Come on.”

And I just went on.

Why? I don’t know. My head was on fire.

My stomach in knots that just kept getting tighter.

He sat down on the couch and I sat right beside him

And the moment my ass touched the cushion I was down for the count

On my back with no way out.

Why did I come here? I knew this would happen.

Why am I self-destructing? Do I enjoy the panic?

I’m not here. I’m in my head the whole time.

I’m not here. When will I stop all the lying?

“Does it feel good to touch someone else?”

I nod in response as he rips off his belt

It doesn’t feel good. It tastes bitter at best.

My heart has stopped pounding inside of my chest.

I am calm.

Unbothered.

I am so far away.

He keeps pulling my hair but I don’t feel a thing

I’m just numb as he comes

and then takes a step back

I sit up and he asks,

“So you’re taking the bus home, right?”

[chameleontears]

I woke up today And drank some tea. I never write anymore But I wanted to see if you did I wanted to hear you Somehow, somewhere. You moved on And that makes me So So Happy You deserve so much more Than I could ever give you Please remember that. I remember our long talks Every night somewhere new New beer And New stories Learning everything about you. And you listened And you cared And I never realized how important that was. I've been searching for that Everywhere Anywhere Please be somewhere. And over a beer I wanted to find it And he did not. I never knew how degrading it would feel to be told that I'm not worth knowing. That I'm just a body. Just parts To touch And Nothing more. I am a whore. I hated it. I cried And he had no idea. Stop. Don't stop. I let it happen. And I feel nothing. I woke up today And drank some tea.

[chameleontears]

Here we go again

Self destruction is my specialty. I think too much And I'm losing sleep Over Knots untied And rolled up sleeves I try to bend But break it seems I fall And fall And scrape my knees I start to smile I'm just a tease Spare me the Subdued apologies. Every match I light Seems to flicker And the doubts In my heart Are growing quicker And the feelings I have For you make me quiver And if I had just a sliver Of courage I'd stop. But I don't.

[chameleontears]

I don't.

I don't want you anymore. I don't want him either. I don't want anyone anymore. I just want myself. I want freedom I want acceptance I want happiness. I want clothing tossed on the floor And no lectures in response. I want slices of cheese left on the counter And laughter the next day instead of snide remarks. I want respect and nurturing words And I LOVE YOUs. Why don't you ever say I love you First? Every day I feel people wanting me Except you. Every day people tell me they love me Except you. If I went a whole day without saying those three words, Would you even notice? If I didn't come home tomorrow, Would you even notice? Let's find out.

[chameleontears]

I suck

Still The oceans Of Missing you Roar In anger. And I thought I was better And I thought I was done But it's no wonder I've been a smoking gun Of betrayal. His eyes don't shine anymore They don't see me the way that you did. His mind doesn't value me My respect is lost on him. It's over But it's not yet begun And I'm losing Because I chose the wrong one. What have I done Oh god What have I done.

[chameleontears]

Hands

It gets harder every night To remember how it felt To hold your hand. And I hate myself For letting that memory Slip away Like I let you Slip away. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it But we can't. You left And I am leaving. And our hands Might never touch again.

[chameleontears]

Post Grad

Drunk On wine And Loneliness This is my life. Post grad Is a sham It gets better They all say Fuck their words They complain About such Trivial bullshit Like they've never Felt anything Besides Monotonous Ordinary Tedious Living. You're not living. I'm not living. I'm just sitting Waiting Alone With my phone And my wine. I'm inclined To say It gets better. But does it?

[chameleontears]

Afterwards

Weakness I'll complete this Get on with it Get over it Move faster Hit harder The stings I've been harboring Anger Frustration I'm useless So fuck this Don't look In my eyes Don't see My disguise I'm loving Every second Of the pain That you give me. Yeah right I'm uptight Lose the attitude Can we be done soon? When I lay here You can't see my face Thank god I just need some space. Finally Lie down Cue the sound Of your snoring And the whir Of the tv Because now It's just me.

[chameleontears]

Rudy Francisco - "Chameleon" (NPS 2013)

Performing for Hollywood's Da Poetry Lounge at the 2013 National Poetry Slam. DPL ended up taking 2nd in the tournament.

[chameleontears]

Holy shit I'm moving to Seattle.

[chameleontears]

Moving

One step. Two steps. Nothing. I am leaving And I have nothing. No plans No future No hope. Three steps. Four steps. This is the only place that I have ever felt at home. And now I'm expected to just clear out and move on. But I have no where else to go. Five steps. What am I doing? Six steps. Nothing. Seven steps. Where am I going? Eight steps. Nowhere. Nine. Alone. Ten. Afraid. Eleven. Run. I'm done.

[chameleontears]

Rewind

We need to talk. I need to see you. I can't keep feeling this Emptiness I'm depressed And it's Killing me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't erase you from my thoughts Or keep you in my life Like a stranger. It's getting harder To breathe And concentrate And live And exist In world where You hate me. When you said you loved me. And I believed you. Why did we have to start hurting each other? I just want to rewind it all. I want to go back. I take it all back. Take me back to the snowy days Where I was only warm In your arms.

[chameleontears]