New Years Thoughts & Reflections
I have been reflecting a lot about 2018 and my art. Here are some thoughts that have been occupying my mind that I hope might bring encouragement and hope to someone out there:
Last year was a year filled with self-confrontation fueled by disappointments. There were so many moments where I created high expectation situations that (of course, given my current skill) would lead to disappointment. There was a point that I stopped enjoying art because I would beat myself up for not accomplishing my expectations. As one of my teachers would say, art became a striving wrestle instead of a continuous dance for me. I compared myself and my journey to other artists who were younger, better, and had different circumstances than me. I was paralyzed by my self-doubt and the constant telling myself that I will never measure up. I put myself under unnecessary pressure and it affected the art I created. Let's be honest, as artists (or people in general) some part of us want other people to like what we make, but when that becomes our sole purpose, our craft becomes unhealthy and untrue. That's where I found myself- making art that was to the "trend" and what I thought would get more likes, which resulted in my portfolio progress being halted. I was trying to sprint the marathon, and like anyone who forgets that they are running a marathon, I hit a wall.
This wall made me face myself and my intentions. "Are you happy with the kind of art you are giving to the world?" "Do you really care about what you are creating?" "Who do you want to be? Who are you?"
Confronting myself brought me back to a place of soberness- of seeing the different lives and circumstances of others as an encouragement rather than a noose. And that's the thing I had to come to terms with- that our circumstances and our lives are so different. How can we expect our lives to turn out exactly like our neighbors'? My hope is that in the light of our own circumstances and what we each face, we will get to our goals and destinations in our own ways- but we'll get there.
Last year felt like a foundational year of learning to discover what kind of artist I want to be and what I truly value. And this was made possible by the grace and gift of people I had the honor of being surrounded by- my teachers, my classmates, my mentors, my friends, and my family.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for this journey. I'm learning to enjoy the marathon, step by step. Though I'm not in animation yet, I am thankful for where I am right now. I stopped putting pressure on myself and I'm slowly (but surely) making art that I enjoy and truly believe in. And I'm learning that in the end, that matters more than what other people think or how many likes I get. I'm embracing this part of my journey, but as I do, I am also learning not to become complacent and lazy as I accept where I am.
Where I am is I cannot afford to go to art school, or any school, I babysit part-time, and I work on my portfolio on the rest of the days I have free. In all honesty, I used to see where I am and my circumstances as a hindrance but as I look in hindsight, I am so thankful. As I write this, I am filled with so much gratitude for where I am. With these given circumstances, I rejoice because it's an honor to do all these things and to even have the privilege to draw and pursue animation. It's an honor to be a part of the lives of the children I babysit. None of this is without meaning, none of this is a hindrance. There's a purpose in these places (who knows maybe I can create a film one day based on the kids I babysit hehe).
This year, I am looking forward to creating and discovering more. I want to make the most of what I have in front of me and to learn with what I have and can afford to get my hands on. I'm constantly reminding myself that my life is fleeting and with this one life, with every day I'm given, I want to labor and learn well- to be tenacious and enduring as I learn. I don't want to be complacent or take the easy way out. I am learning to grit and to do it joyfully. I'm undoing the threads of comparison and proving and relearning how to enjoy my art as a dance again. I hope this for you, reader, in whatever career and path you are on. I hope that we would find joy in our journeys again.
In a practical tone, so maybe you can keep me accountable, some of my goals this year are: Finish my Background Paint/VisDev Portfolio, do more gouache studies, and focus on color & light, composition, and simplification of graphic shapes in my artwork.
To end, here's a quote from someone I look up to: "If it’s not your train, it won’t stop at your station. There will be trains that do stop at your station. And the trains that do stop at your station? You have a choice to say yes or no to. You can filter the things that come to you, but you can’t control the things that don’t come to you."