under the moonlight

she/23

[channiemoonlight]

LIKE A FOOL

{angst/ trigger warning ; death & self harm}

981 words

{writer notes : thank you to everyone who like my first story before, I actually wrote quite a lot on my phone but didn't had time to post them here due to work priorities. This story might be heavy for some readers, you can skip this if its too much on you. This story has nothing to do with the boy identity or well-being. It is a story that held something important issue in my life too. Please give it a lot of love!}

hope you enjoy!

love, channiemoonlight.

like a fool

By channiemoonlight

There are so many things you wish you could get your hands on it back. Whether it’s items or just the presence of someone you love. That’s all you can ask for. Another chance to be a better version of yourself.

Sliding open the kitchen door as you took a seat watching Minho intently cooking on the other side of yours.

It was a rule that your cousin, Bangchan made that he wants you to stay inside their apartment to lessen the burden of you paying bills. Knowing you’re just a student miles away from your parents and he is the wiser and older cousin offered to help you pay bills.

Getting to his household gave you another 5 friendships that you adore so much than your own existence. Everyone loves you as much as you do.

And that’s where it goes wrong.

“Morning y/n!” It’s unusual for Jisung to be this chirpy early morning but you shrugged it off and took him into the warm hug you didn’t give Changbin at all. One by one the table fills with everyone, Jeongin helping Minho to set up the plates on the table as you saw Felix took the last seat.

You adore him very much. Felix. He’s the one who gives a lot of cuddles whenever he’s done with assignments. He is always there when you have another relapse of anxiety. He’s your savior. Noticing no plate of pancakes given to him you stood up earning the glances from the boys. “What’re you doing y/n?”

Smiling at Changbin, you pick another plate and put it in front of Felix. “Minho forgot Lix plate” At first you thought they’re just thinking you’re weird. The frequent glances they’re sharing. But you again, took nothing serious out of it. “Okay.” The way Bangchan voice trails away, focusing back on his plate.

Likewise, you’re enjoying reading a book as you glance a few times at Felix back who’s staying on his study desk, probably gushing all his brains out for ideas for his essays. “Take a break Lix, want some coffee?”

“Lovely thanks y/n!”

Making the coffee as you hear Changbin slide into your side. “Another coffee?”

Shaking your head as you put away the tablespoon on the sink. “It’s Felix” This time you notice the unexplainable glint on his eyes. Again, you shrug it off—probably they thought both of you were something more than just friends?

Hours passed by and Felix finally stood up from his desk, going to the living room for some fresh air maybe. Taking a seat at his desk you noticed how scattered his papers were.

Eyes gliding over his options of book, all about galaxy. None of his major books were on the table. Almost calling for him not until your eyes stop on a blue diary with sunflower sticker on it. He never had a diary before, it urges you to look at it as you felt the familiarity.

You flipped the pages open. It was your handwriting.

If there’s another universe where I can stay at the same place appreciating, you more than before. I would do everything to get there.

“Oh, I wrote this? Why don’t I remember such things?” You’re obviously weirded out, this is Felix notebook, but your handwriting was there.

Galaxies on your eyes

You keep flipping until the last word you wrote. Staring—no, maybe glaring intensely on the paper as you read until the last words.

I will remember you forever Felix, I love you “What is this?”

“You saw it” His voice blooms over the silence as I stood up staring at him. “What is this, Felix? What game are you implying?” You push the book toward his chest, hating the way he looks at you right now, how it felts strange and eerie at this point.

“Y/N it’s your handwriting, you know about this” Feeling him coming closer you took a step back. “Knowing what— “

A rush of adrenaline went over you, pieces of memories that you never go through seep into your brain as if it was wiped out perfectly before. You were there, on the street floor clutching Felix lifeless body crying for help as his blood smears the shirt he gifted you.

“No! What is happening Felix? “He wasn’t there anymore. Glancing at every corner of your bedroom, there’s just you. Standing there. Your bedroom slammed open; all the boys stared at you worryingly. Stomping towards Bangchan as you grab his collar harshly. Hands shaking.

“What happened to me? Where’s Felix?!” The familiar glint that you saw before on Changbin was enough to give you a hint about whatever happened before.

The memories were true. The scene is true. “I’m sorry y/n. I’m so sorry” Feeling your knees weaken, lifelessly holding onto Bangchan. You trick yourself. You locked the possibility of hating to know the truth. Minho kneels in front of you, taking your cold hands into his warm ones. “It has been 6 months y/n. Felix is no longer with us— “

All this time, it was just a memory of him. He doesn’t exist but just a hint of memories that your brain plays along. “Why no one told me?” Your body was shaking in anger and disappointment. Tears on your face fall down the floor. “It is because you’re hurting yourself and we don’t want you to go through it again, we’re sorry” Minho caresses the scars on your wrist. “You’re lying inside the bathroom and all of us didn’t want to see that again even if it means to let you like this.”

All this time, it was you creating the images of him. There’s no longer him, that was just another hope that you didn’t want to let go. A hope that you wish he wasn’t dead but alive, loving you. Like a fool.

[channiemoonlight]

SOMEONE BETTER

By channiemoonlight.

{fluff/little bit of angst/ trigger warning ; death}

3.4k words

{writer notes : this is my first time sharing my writing. I got inspired by somehow during my daily life and decided to wrote this. English isn't my first language sorry if there's grammar mistake}

hope you enjoy!

love, channiemoonlight.

_________________________________________

You’ve had enough of the stares on you. Standing in—front of you, Seungmin who was breathing heavily after the heated argument both of you went through.

“Both of you calm down” Chan voice cracked the silence of the living room, the whole story started when all you want to do is check up on him. Making sure he didn’t make stupid decisions that could destroy not just you but everyone who loves him.

He decided to shrug off your attempt and that’s what makes you even more frustrated when all he does is push you away. “Y/N I’ll talk to you later—”

“I’m just trying to understand you” “Well you’re pissing me off with your presence.”

Calmly shrugging his hurtful comment away. “I’m just worried” He should’ve have just shut his mouth but what comes after makes him regret the moment her eyes shine not with glee, but tears. Shame on you, his thought strike.

“Maybe you’re the one who deserve to be on her spot.”

“SEUNGMIN!” The raise note from Chan caught others’ attention as they stood awkwardly, fidgeting in their position unsure how to act in such a heavy situation. Changbin holding back their leader from moving closer toward the youngest.

Noticing the oldest of them is on his end wit.

The name that he once loved became the reason you took a step back, knees weakened, heart shattered into pieces. “Just because I’m not her.” Muttering under your breath as you feel everything fall down all in seconds.

Shoulder heavy, heart numb.

All you could hear was how fast your heart beating was, almost gasping for space for them to explode anytime, letting the pieces scattered on the floor.

The name that you’ve been compared to since you were little—the one who made you suffer so many times. The only one who always loved by everyone.

The one who exactly has Seungmin heart but here you are, a replacement. Arranged to marry him because your sister passed away and you turn his fate away. You took his soulmate, when it was never your fault.

You only feel sorry. Sorry for him. You did everything you can. It was useless, no one cares how you’re feeling. That you’re human like them after all.

A pair of hands engulf your shaky hands but you’re in your last wit. Snatching them away from who you assumed Jeongin. Taking off the engagement ring off your finger as you put it down on the table near you. “As always, my feeling and existence never matter.”

Grabbing your purse and key on the table walking pass him. “I’m going first” Minho about to stop you from going but Hyunjin stop him from doing so, shaking his head. “Let her calm first Hyung.”

Seeing your figure disappear door shutting off behind you. Bangchan at once sent Hyunjin with Felix along with you as he turns to the youngest, voice fills with disappointment. “I can’t believe at what you just said to her.”

Broad shoulder of his softly shove the youngest one as his eyes on Changbin who also watch his friend walk away without saying anything else. “Seung...” “ I didn’t­—I don’t know why I said such mean words back then hyung. It came out very wrong—I’m sorry hyung” Sitting on the couch both hands on his head, staring on the floor.

Hands around the latter, patting his back comforting.

You on the other side were just walking down the road with thoughts that just keep repeating. Nothing can shut them off. It’s always you ever since you were born. You’re the unwanted person in everyone’s life.

All you want is love, undeniable love that he could never be able to reciprocate them, so you just walk away. Running is just like how you did last time too.

Six months pass by.

You’re almost happy with the present life you have. You slowly try to get back the smile that has been missing for months. The last time you met him was when the argument took place. Honestly you did see his friends a few times, but it was never more than checking up on each other or simple hello and byes.

The people who kept in contact with you frequently are Minho. He always asked about you through calls when he’s busy or out of town. It is nice to know that someone cared for you while no one could.

The door opens ajar, a familiar head peeks through them with the softest smile painted on it. Your heads turn to face them as you mirror his smiles. “Hi, I brought you food! It’s from Chan’s mother” He took the empty seat beside you as he put down the food.

Sliding aside the flower bouquet you’ve been making for hours focusing on his presence. “Thank you, Minho” Untying the plastic as he focuses on spreading the food in-front of you knowing damn well you haven’t eaten anything since you open your shop early morning.

“How’s today?” He asked. “Busier, maybe because it’s the end of year and a lot of people are getting married and engaged. I got at least less than 10 bouquets to make now.”

Handing the spoon to you as you muttered thanks. “Less than 10 is a LOT” emphasizing his last words as you chuckle finding his tone quite soothing and funny. He again as usual entertains your lunchtime by telling stories about his friends.

How Changbin are getting addicted with gym and always knocking his room every 6am to come down with him for another gym session or the way Felix and Hyunjin has been booked to be ambassador for branded designer, Jisung, Changbin and Chan busy producing new song for artist in the company. “I heard about them nominated for producer awards this year.”

Minho smiles widely, nodding with such enthusiasm. Proud of his fellow friends. He can see you’re hesitant to ask about Seungmin, he just speaks it out anyway knowing well that you’ve forgiven him even it took time. “Seungmin is now busy with his new position as Lecturer at the University.”

You nod slowly, proud to know he is doing better. “What about Jeongin?” Taking a bite of the cake he offered you with his fork. It was such a simple gesture, but it warms your heart as if he was this soft orange cat that snuggles to you every time you find yourself overwhelms with heavy emotion.

He took out his phone, scrolling for something before he faced them towards you. It was picture of Jeongin in suits holding what seems to be award surrounded by high class people. “He received awards for his new shop franchise at Australia.”

“Well, he does have good taste in choosing you folks outfits. I don’t find it surprising he will open another branch outside of here” Cleaning your table as Minho throws away the empty container. After both of you done reminiscing, you continue to do your work with Minho strolling inside your shop asking about the flowers names.

Your eyes stop on him every few seconds just to see what’s he doing. Tying the last bouquets on your hands, a soft sigh left your lips. “Minho... you have been here for two hours. Do you need anything?”

His expression does tell you that you caught him red handed. He always busy after lunchtime since he always had to go teaching students in his dance studio. “I don’t have any schedule today.”

“And?” He seems hesitant to say the words directly as you see he was fidgeting with his hand on his back, foot tapping nervously showing his slight discomfort of whatever he about to say to you. “Hey, you can tell me but if it makes you this nervous I won’t bring it up again—” “Reunion.” You tilted in confusion at the way he cuts you off.

“Chan said we have reunion tomorrow to celebrate Jeongin achievement. He said to bring you along—” before you can say something he continues his word. “—if only you’re comfortable with it” Honestly you feel complicated, you know one day you’ll have to meet them in any situation whether it’s good or bad.

You can’t walk away from them, you love them the same way they do. They been there for you the most, to say that you want to reject this reunion must make few of them sad and you didn’t want that. You don’t want to be a selfish person like before.

“I’ll come” His eyes widened. You always try to make new excuses every time they have reunion if someone inside the circle celebrates. “Are you sure because—” “I’m okay with Seungmin being there, he too deserves to celebrate Jeongin too. He was your friend, so don’t worry about me. It’s already in the past. Perhaps this is my time to get some closure from him the same way he maybe do too”

Busy staring into his eyes you didn’t realize he already standing close to you engulfing you into his warm hugs. The hug that you have become familiar with since months you broke the engagement. The scent of his perfume that you always describe as scent of daisy flower that you adore.

You always wondered what you meant to him sometimes. He always been there through everything. He’s there when you’re crying in your sleep begging for your sister to come back. Wailing for you to be the one who was lying inside that dark cold soils. He just always there. For you.

He pulls away cutting you off from thoughts as he smiles wider than you had seen him do. “Do you want me to wait for you?” “Huh?” He pointed out the clock behind you as it shows your closing time. You nod as he helps you with your bags as you busy counting behind the counter.

Between counting the money behind the counter, you find yourself glancing at Minho. He was standing outside drowns with the sunset beaming at him. Your bag on his left shoulder as he also looks at you for  seconds sending smile while mouthing ‘Take your time, I’m waiting here’

It was the day of reunion. You can’t hide how nervous you’re even though Minho has been repeating if you still aren’t ready he’ll send you back home. “No, I can do this!” You’re lying to yourself you can do this but you don’t want to disappoint others since they know you’re coming. More like you don’t want to see Minho dejected look.

He knocks on the door as you fix your dress one last time to look presentable and proving to yourself that you’ll be fine once you enter inside. The door opened, to you it was painfully slow but seeing the familiar face behind them staring at you with such liveliness drops all the uneasy feeling.

“Y/N!” You almost stumble the way Felix just jumps into hugging you as he pats your back. “Oh my goodness, I miss you! Please come in! Everyone’s inside” Replying the same gesture as you come inside watching all the familiar faces staring at you in disbelief.

Before anyone run to you, Minho immediately stand in front of you stopping them before you got crush by 5 man. “First of all calm down, let Y/N settles down first okay?” You wave at them from Minho back, smiling.

‘He’s not here yet’ sighing deeply feeling calm as Minho turns to face you. “You’re good? Shall we continue?” Nodding you took his empty hand as he guided you towards their table.

Everyone was doing well as you expected, they’re very surprised about your decision opening a flower shop downtown instead of in the city. “How can Minho drives two hours from here to you every day?” Hyunjin eyeing him, smirks on his face. “He’s not visiting every day, just when he’s not busy” You defend.

“You’re suspicious Hyung” Changbin sound as he sips on his wine nudging Hyunjin elbow, both now sending sly look at him. Knock coming from the door interrupts their chat as Jeongin stood up. “I’ll get the door”

You were listening to Jisung bragging about his new studio and he would love to take you there soon. Before you could answer him, you froze at the mention of your name from behind. Giving yourself courage to face him as your eyes stare into his. “Y/N, is that you?” “Seungmin…”  Your hand getting sweaty as you feel all emotions rushing to you.

“Can we talk?” The atmosphere was icy cold, if this situation was the same one as six months ago you would run away again but you’re not going to be that person anymore. “Sure after dinner” You can see how Seungmin shoulders finally relax the moment you face him with smiles on your face.

The dinner went unexpectedly well, everyone was just gushing about their new works, achievements that you’ve been missing for months. Smile can’t be erased from your face as you listen to each one of them.

As one by one finally walk away from the dinner table either washing the dishes or sitting in front of the tv contemplating which movie they should choose for the night. You were sipping on the warm cup of tea that Felix made for you a few minutes ago while staring outside.

The garden obviously a mirror of Felix personality, colorful even under the moonlight. A hand touched your shoulder as you looked up and saw Minho followed by Seungmin at the back looking everywhere but not you.

Putting down the tea as you nod at him, giving permission that you’ll be fine alone with the latter. He held your sweaty one as you faced Minho, his eyes were telling you something. ‘I’ll be with them, take your time.’ You watched the way his figure walking away inside the living room.

“Take a seat” You voiced out as Seungmin sat down in front of you.

The calm sigh that left his lips made you wonder what’s he was thinking at this moment, where both of you sitting across each other wordless. “Allow me to apologize for the harsh words that I’ve said to you before. I know how hurtful it was, but my ignorant self just wants to win the argument.”

It is indeed felt as if you get stabbed, it took you so many tears to move on from it. “I want to believe it just from how heated both of us were but there’s nothing but truth behind it. I knew she was the only one in your heart and no one can replace that empty spot she left.”

Sighing, you look into his eyes who also watching you intently. “I just wish that time you’ll know about my feeling, I want to be selfish and want you myself because she didn’t deserve your love. She never did. I was the one who always reminded her what your favorite foods were, the books she gave you was the one I choose. She never has the effort to do it herself. It was me all along, but I kept it silent because you love her. The ‘Her’ that I created to satisfy both sides.”

His eyes widened. “But—why didn’t you step up and show me that was you this time?” Inevitably scoffs comes out from her lips as she stared at him sadly. “Would you even look at me? The pathetic unloved, unwanted child?”

“I would—” “No, Seungmin. You won’t. Don’t try to fool yourself now it’s guilty that eating you up. Even right now, both of us sitting here you still can’t deny that you’ll choose her even you know it was me behind it” The tea was left cold as you tried to stay strong and collected in front of him right now.

Now it feels like everything that burdens you deep inside is finally washed over with satisfaction. Satisfaction of not holding the secrets anymore or to be the person that was painted to be as pathetic and unwanted. All this time it was eating her, questioning herself why she can’t be her. Of course, she couldn’t it was all a lie.

“I forgive you already Seungmin so please let go of that guilt that’s now eating you too. I don’t want you to suffer the way I did before” You reached out to hold his hands that were cold against your warm ones. He looked up, his eyes glistening with tears. “I’m so sorry Y/N, you really deserve someone better” caressing his hands and I smiled back at him praying for whatever he is going through now ends.

“Can I hug you?” he asked hesitantly. You did not answer him with words, but you opened your arms wide as you let him engulf you inside his arms. It is what both of you need right now. Closure and comfort. Both of you did nothing wrong but decided to follow how fate written already from the start.

All of the guys stared at both of you as you two enter the living room. Anticipating knowing what happen behind the doors. “I would like to excuse myself since it’s already late” Felix nod as he helps you getting your coat and bag.

Before you could walk to the exit, you turned around tilting your head at Minho who was clueless. “Min, aren’t we going together?” He immediately takes the offer waving everyone goodbye.

Inside the car, the radio playing at the back as you stare at the sky smile never leaving your face. “How was it?” You can feel how tense Minho was behind the steering wheel. ‘He must be assuming again’ you stared at his side profile, seeing how he clenched his jaw.

“Say Minho, if I asked you out on a date tomorrow would you accept them?” you bluntly asked him as you felt the car stop immediately at the side of road after you asked the question. “Sorry, WHAT?”

“I said—” “I heard but why? I mean why so sudden?”

Chuckling at his attempt to stay calm was quite hilarious for you. “It was not sudden, I just wanted to say on right timing” “so, you mean you’ve been wanting to ask me that since before?” The smile on your face turns into a frown. Afraid that you actually take wrong sight of his kindness and care for you. “Do I say something that cross the line, Min?”

You about to face him once again, ready to get your feeling rejected by him but instead you’re meet with his hands tucking away the piece of your hair from your face. “I would love to” As you want to question his words you realize that his lip was on yours now.

Feeling his soft lip that is now on you, as you let your arms circle around his neck pulling him closer. Desperately close that you wish time would stop right now. Pulling away as you take a breath as he did the same. “You didn’t know how long I want to do it.”

Tugging on his arm sleeve as you feel his breath inches away from your lips. “Jinx” you closed your eyes as you let your lips on him again this time, feeling him smiling. The scene of you and Seungmin talking on the veranda runs through your mind again.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, you really deserve someone better.” He was indeed better.

The way he always had the time to visit the busy flower shop, not forgetting to bring along take-away food. The way he always silently tied your hair every time you eat. Wiping end of your lips when you drank your favorite latte. Hugging when you need comfort and warmth during the night.

He was there the whole time. It was only him ever since.

“Seungmin, thank you for making me realize.”

“Huh?” He followed your gaze where it stops at Minho who was deep in thoughts even though he was surrounded by the boys. Chuckles left his lips as he caresses your hands this time.  “I wish you happiness y/n.”

You’re the love and happiness I’ve been searching for.

Glancing at Minho drive under the moonlight as he kept holding your hand with his left one.

Kissing them every red light on the road.