Chany Cullen

Art, Film and student.

[chanycullen]

Lets write about today.

9 June 2019.

Woke up at about 8am knowing I was going somewhere today, who even knows where at this point. Usually it’s to a coffee shop, or a market, or a pub. Today the world was at my fingertips. With the choices of anywhere within 2 hours by train or under £20 for return tickets, I ended up deciding on Brighton. Takes about the same amount of time to travel there as it does to visit a friend on the other side of London anyway.

I wanted to go somewhere familiar so I could sit and think, wandering the artsy streets of Brighton was a lovely option for me, as I had been stressing a little bit too much lately. Thoughts didn’t necessarily stay in a straight line, and I needed to finish a piece to post. So here I am, writing a few words at a time, with the intention to not get too distracted and finish something rather than starting a new piece every half a page.

My biggest issue has been my overthinking about where I am in life. I have so many friends in life who are doing so well.

I have Sara who is currently working in her field of study but has gone back to school to even further her knowledge and move up the chain. I have Sarah who is phenomenal and knocking through the camera department on TV, literally getting paid to go overseas for work. There is Ana who is pushing herself to be super good with the environment and is living a lifestyle I could only dream of. Ffin who is travelling more and more with his band and playing all over the UK. Nina who has nailed it in London by getting a steady job, fantastic flat and is seeing all of Europe. Etc etc etc

I could go on, but you get the jist.

Overthinking is going to be the death of me. I am so proud of these guys, but I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others. I have interests but none of them are hireable. I have hobbies but I keep falling into a pit of self-hatred before I push myself to pursue them as a freelancer.

Writing is one of the things I enjoy. I’ve got a folder filled with 78 half-finished word documents that are never going to see the light of day. They range from planning tips/processes for holidays, to what its like moving overseas, to pieces about mental health. I love to sit down with a good cup of coffee and pour these thoughts (not coffee) onto my note pad and expand on them later on my laptop.

Back to Brighton: here I am at Trading Post Coffee Roasters, drinking mocha and eating avocado on toast. Great place by the way, would highly recommend! I came down to Brighton for some fresh air, new scenery, and relaxation. For once in my life, no plans to do anything specific.

I’ve spent so much of my life wandering about where I was going to go next, whether I’ve planned enough, who would be able to both put up with me for long enough AND have an actual interest in what we’re doing. Honestly just going out with someone for lunch stresses me a little.

There are no social situation anxieties, it’s the build up to seeing people which gets to me. I can talk to people, but it’s when I am alone that everything starts to get to me. Anything from whether people like me, to how bad my writing abilities are, to whether my living situation is adequate.

I thought this was normal, it varies depending on the person.

In short, if you have moved countries before and have not cried or had some sort of emotional breakdown: I do not trust you.

 I managed to just run before I caught Brighton’s naked bike ride today. I was hanging out with a new friend yesterday in London, when I first witnessed this very naked parade of people (mostly men over the age of 50) cycling down the street. I had no desire to catch it again in Brighton.

I ran away and am at a Starbucks for the free wifi and charging ports, a definite life saver in most cities I’ve visited.

All I can think about is how much of a tosser this manager is. Yelling at people isn’t a solution to them not knowing what to do. Answering your phone by saying “What do you want? Oh, I thought you were another customer wanting to complain about me again” isn’t the best face of a business.

Mind you, I had a boss in Shoreditch (no, not Dinerama lol) who would threaten to ‘f*ck someone up’ over the phone very loudly with customers around, and tell me I am lazy for being very tired after working three 17 hour shifts in a row, and would refuse me a break and still take hours out of my pay for the breaks I never got.

 I was told that writing lists would help me relax after I had a small emotional breakdown after working for those crazy bars, they kind of did. But I kept writing lists then got very overwhelmed.

Today I wrote lists. One for each:

 - Things to do with the kids  - Creative projects/drawings I can do  - How to make a profit for my art  - Topics to write about for a blog  - Places to see and things to book when dad comes in August  - Things to do to make me feel more relaxed

 I was told writing lists would help relax me, but it just made me feel like I had so many things to do over the next few days. 

 It did start to put my many thoughts into one place though, rather than all over the place. This written piece is a terrible example of things being written all over the place, but I am hoping from now on that everything will line itself up.

  One can dream.

[chanycullen]

You Only Get One Life.

“You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible”

-          Jojo Moyes, Me Before You.

 Yeah, it’s almost 1am on a week day night. It’s been 2 weeks since I last had a job, and that’s the longest I’ve been unemployed by well over a week. And yeah, I did just watch Me Before You and did not cry one bit.

 (I’m kidding, I am blubbering like a baby).

 But let’s be honest, its movies like this that inspired me to leave and travel the world. We might have years to live, or it could all be over tomorrow morning (moral of the story, we don’t know how long we are given). So why not see what the world has to offer? I don’t have all the answers, but I do have stories and life experiences to share. Although, there are a lot that go on about lemonade, and making it when life gives you lemons.

I’m not saying everyone should do it though – travel the world that is.

Finding a passion, and learning how to push towards it and find where you are meant to be is hard. Sometimes it takes a great deal of courage to get to where you feel content. I heard someone once say that travelling is for those who don’t want to settle down and get a real life. But travelling is for those who want to (find a real life). It’s all a way of figuring out who we are and what makes us happy to wake up on a Monday morning.

Everyone that I know who travels often for fun are all so contagious, free going, and full of love. I would love more than anything to be at that point in my life. Maybe one day I will be, that would be a nice thought.

For me, life isn’t about finding the easy way through. Life is about courage and going into the unknown. It’s learning where our happy place is. Where we know what makes us feel good.

I’ve lost so many people in my life, some too young to have gone from this earth. I don’t want to live a life where I’ll just save for a few years then go after carefully planning it all. I want to life my life like I’m on a timer.

We all find peace and joy in different ways. As for me? I like to wander the streets to find the perfect café with a window seat where I can read good books, draw, and watch people go on about their business.

I’ve been told to follow my gut, but I’ve got anxiety so that is a terrible idea. I’m going to follow my heart.

Things get tough and overwhelming, I have learnt how to take care of myself when the situation arises. I always make sure I have breathing room. When things get tough, a good book and a hot drink is the way to go. It’s still an adventure, just one that stops the panic and opens my heart and imagination to whole new worlds once more.

I’ll live my own version of the adventures I see on social media. I’ll make an Instagram I’m proud of, a snapchat that I’ll forget to update after running around all day, and a blog full of stories and people I’ve met.

I’m sick of living my life through other people’s eyes.

I’d rather experience them with my own senses and have stories everyone else is jealous of. It’s okay to be selfish; look after yourself first, then others.

 Life is too short for bad wine, no books, and only settling for dreams that other people are living.

Take a risk, go do the thing, and hopefully things will catch up one day. But for now, stop running from your fears. Live your own dream.

 It’ll all work out in the end.

 - Chany

[chanycullen]

20 Seconds of Bravery

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

 Ahhhh.

Yeah, I’m moving overseas, again.

When I first tell people, they usually ask me the ‘who, what, when, where, how, why?’ questions and it put me in a panic, but now I’ve started to laugh and answer with the usual ‘I have no bloody idea anymore.’

It’s been a dream of mine since I could start dreaming of where and what I want to be when I get older. Some people dream of becoming ballerinas, doctors and artists. I dream about exploring the small things around the world. Getting to know the locals, hearing the stories from halfway across the world. Seeing how  people’s eyes light up when they talk about things they love, and the people they’ve been able to meet is what really gets me going. Talking, and getting lost are my two best talents, so I figured travelling is the best way to go.

I am 16 days away from flying out of Orlando. It has been such a wonderful, eye opening adventure. My heart feels fuller and my soul feels ever so slightly more complete. Learning about people’s hometowns and where they plan on ending up has been fascinating. The ranges of skills, ambitions and dreams have been so large that the realization of my complete and utter lack of direction in life no longer really concerns me.

Mental health is one of my biggest issues to be honest, it has taken a huge toll on my decisions, and life ambitions as to where I want to end up in life. Some days my mind is thinking straight to the point and knows what needs to be done, and some days every thought running through my head is absolute chaos. Sure money might be extremely tight and learning how to live a minimalistic lifestyle will be rough but damn having a cloud of self-doubt is the worst.

They say it only takes about 20 seconds of bravery to get something big and scary done (or at least rolling with no way of stopping). Which is all I needed to book flights, apply for my UK visa, and make the final decision to move. It does lead to hours of resume prep, job hunting, home hunting, adventure decisions, budgeting, research, etc. But if it is going to lead to one hell of an adventure, I would say to go for it. We can always back out of the big stuff, but you don’t want to regret missing it out of fear.

Leaving the Disney College Program is going to be tough, and having ‘post-Disney depression’ scares me more than anything. I don’t want to have hit a high point of my life this early on in life. It’s not because of the program, but because it has really motivated me to keep moving forward, to keep seeking the heights. Having something to look forward to stops us from mourning the past. We can use the good memories to drive us forward and to create more.

Life is too short to not live a life we don’t feel whole in.

[chanycullen]

Welcome to San Fran.

There are 4 proper coffee shops within eyesight of my hotel entrance.

Not ‘cafes’ that are just pubs, nor ‘coffee shops’ that only serve black coffee.

Actual, proper coffee shops where I can order a mocha because it’s actually on the menu and they know what it is.

I consider myself lucky.

So I sit at café #3. Sitting in front of me is a mocha and smashed avocado on toast. I'm enjoying it like a millennial with no intention of buying a house any time soon.

Nobody can tell me off for it, as I spent the morning walking up Kearny Rd to Coit Tower; a hill so steep there are stairs for pedestrians on either side of the road. The walk was nice, enjoying the sunshine and fascinating houses that are all in the same place, yet all so different.

By the time I reached the top of the hill, I was a sweaty mess. Where body touched backpack, it was all a bit too damp for my comfort.

Here I sit, 90 minutes later, hoping that nobody notices my shaking legs and collapsing makeup.

The view at the top was nice, fairly worth it as I got to see the city from a point of view that I would never have been able to see from any other place. Especially for a traveller on a budget, I could really appreciate everything, from Oakland Bridge, to the Golden Gate Bridge.

Compared to home, being able to see the tightly packed houses and the dead straight streets was quite spectacular. The crookedest street in the world had its own corner with cars cautiously finding their way down, the waterfront seeming to always be in motion with tourists hustling back and forth frantically.

My coffee is nice, not too sweet this time. I like it better at home, but I suppose I’m sharing a conversation with someone when I drink it at home.

The perks of travelling alone is that you get to get to skip lines because there is ‘only enough room for one!’. Saves time, plus you get to meet strangers which is always safe. The not so perks is that you don’t have anybody to blame when you get lost.

Note to self: don’t detour back to the hotel unless you have a map, or decent sense of direction.

Dad left at 3am last night to go see the Eclipse. Everything feels so much more expensive now, but I guess that’s what travelling after working for 3 months on a waitress’ pay check is for you.

I’m the only person sitting at this café writing on paper. Well, I was before I had to type it up. So many suits, I look like an acrobat in comparison. Leggings and plain black t-shirt are comfortable, but not necessarily trendy.

I have no idea what today, or any day from here on out will bring me. I do hope I don’t mess up too badly. As someone who has to plan everything down to the hour, this is terrifying.

If I put up any sort of go-fund-me page link, then you know I’m in a wee panic.

So I suppose this is the start of my travel blogging! I will be at Disney, Orlando for the next few months after this but it’s a start!

I can help recommend things for the people who desire art, coffee and naps! All on a budget for the unfit too.

For now, I’m off to find the laziest thing I can find to rest my weary legs.

-Chany

[chanycullen]

All moved into my new place. Yeah, I am missing some drawers, etc. But I feel more like it’s my home now than I did a month ago.

It makes me think about all the childhood memories, all the stuff my siblings and I used to get up to, it reminds me of how I got on with my best friends and growing up. It has made me more aware of my mental health and how my life is at the moment.

The changes it is inspiring me to make in my life is wonderful, the emotions it is making me feel is breaking my heart. So many mixed emotions, I can’t wait for life to settle down again.

This is my current favorite spot to sit and watch the sun set when the weathers nice. The mix of fresh air, hot chips and art books really opens up my eyes and makes me feel lucky and whole, even if its just for a moment.

[chanycullen]

Last 7 Minutes.

‘My life flashed before my eyes’.

I have heard this expression many times before.

It’s where your life flashes before your eyes (whaaaat) in a dream-like sequence. Usually triggered when you encounter a near-death experience. There are scientific reasons behind why this happens; including electric discharges in the memory part of your brain and euphoric endorphins being released into the brain which starts the life flashbacks.

What if you were like the knitting chicken in the animated film ‘Chicken Run’, and it took until you almost died to have a realization of how boring your life actually is?

I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about my past and my future, both by myself and with my friends. I remember the nights where I find myself with friends, sitting under the stars and talking about life. Either sober, or on in a drunken slur. The nights where we are sitting on a roof, on the beach or in a car. It seems to happen a lot in the movies too, with the main characters sitting around and talking about futures and such.

We can spend hours discussing where we want to be in a week’s time, in a year’s time or even in 10 years’ time.

The possibilities feel endless and so exciting. I feel like I can conquer anything, be anybody I truly set my mind to. The story is mine to write, and mine to control.

But then the reality hits and suddenly we have boundaries. Some we can push through, and some we have no chance overcoming. The mistakes we made, the wrong paths we took, the place we live; it all ends up becoming a huge list of things to overcome.

We end up applying for jobs that ‘pay the bills’, but create a hole in your soul from the burning hatred of going into work on Monday morning? Why spend your time doing something you only do to earn money, when you can do something that makes you leap out of bed every morning? Why spend your life waiting for Friday to come around?

We set our sights on people we wish to be and things we wish to become. We aim for the highest branches, only to land a few branches down and to the left. The goals to be something very specific are great, and keep us motivated. But the realization that not everything works out perfectly is a realization we need to make.

Sh*t happens. Would you cross a river where a bridge has fallen because that’s where you planned to go 6 months ago? Or would you try to rebuild, or walk a few miles down the river to the next bridge?

Look at where we were a year ago. Did we think we would be where we are now? No, I am not an A student, I do not have the ability to time manage perfectly and my mental health is most certainly not in check. But looking at where I have come from has made me feel a little proud. The skills I have learnt, the people I have met and the jobs I have opened up by doing the things I have done have sculpted a path that I couldn’t even imagine a year ago.

Becoming the person you dream of being is difficult. You cannot become a person that already exists either. Use your time to create memories that are your own and learn skills that set you apart from everybody else.

Looking back at what you have done for the past few years can be difficult when you take into consideration of what other people have achieved in the same timeframe. Some friends may have gotten decent jobs, created incredible works and featured in huge stories that our country reads in the morning paper. At the same time, what have you achieved? You have completed a game and nailed the ability to complete an all-nighter? No, you have achieved much more than you really think.

Coming into the final hurdle of our last half-semester of the year feels like the most stressful and ridiculous final few weeks of our existence (at the time). Sometimes it helps to look back at the good, the bad and the ugly times.

Think of the people you have met, and the things you have done. Try new things, stop putting off stuff you want to try and love large.

Recently, I’ve spoken to a few people about what they want to do after Uni;

‘I don’t want to study anymore, but really I should do post grad in case I need it one day’.

‘I haven’t accomplished much this year, so I don’t think I will be good enough for the job’.

‘I want to try something new, but I’ll wait until next year so I can do it as a new year’s resolution’.

The comments made me sad. The amount of things we can do with our lives, and we feel like we need to have specific things and wait until certain times. Apply for that job, you never know if you are good enough until you try. Even if you aren’t, you will then know what to do from there to be good enough. Do the thing you want to try now, why wait when you can do it now?

Sometime I like to think of working towards a goal, but being open enough to embrace the changes that life will throw at us. We get rejected and plans get cancelled. We may want to give up and live an ‘ordinary life’, but we do have the chances to change stuff around.

When you think about lives being interesting, you think of all the travelling and the parties, all the singular times you smiled. Why not make the working aspect of it interesting too?

We’re all going to die at some point in our lives anyway. Why don’t we make the final 7 minutes of our brain activity at least interesting?

 -Chany

[chanycullen]

Future of Cinema.

Being engulfed in the environment that cinema can create is my happy place. Sitting in a seat with an iced coke and 2 hours of movie bliss is such a peaceful experience.

It’s like the moving images on a screen mould my emotions and create full worlds and adventures. The tears, the laughter and the pure feeling of fear as the movie plays on, followed by the slightly drunk feeling you get as you leave the cinemas slightly disorientated.

The long arguments over our opinions of the film while the credits roll; how good or bad the film really was, and all the things that we would have done if we made it.

The motivation and life changing moments as we feel as the final scene rolls out on screen can leave us staring at a blank wall for hours at a time re-thinking life.

We don’t see the changed being made until we really look back at how much the cinemas have changed over the past years. Cinema started in the 1890’s, when the cameras were being invented and production companies being built. The films didn’t go over a minute long until 1927. Even then, the films didn’t even have sound.

Now we have 3D, IMAX and laser technology in the cinemas. The way we experience film is getting bigger by the minute.

Even the films themselves are changing and becoming more digitalized. We have gone from practical effects to visual effects in such a short period of time. We now use motion capture to create some of the biggest characters in cinema. Benedict Cumberbatch as a dragon? Yes please.

The next step in films seems to be virtual reality and augmented reality. The development of 3D camera’s and ability to create 3D environments.

For those who don’t seem to understand the difference between virtual and augmented reality (yes mum, I’m talking to you): virtual reality is where you see the world through a headset and you’re immersed in the world, and augmented reality is when you’re looking at the world through a screen like in Pokémon Go.

The virtual reality is more for sitting down and looking around. This has been around for a few years now, only becoming affordable to have at home or on our smart phones over the past year or so. The creations of 3D images have been around for centuries, we see paintings of entire ceilings and walls as a way of immersing one’s self into a scene from way back. The idea of creating paintings has since been digitalized both with photography, and digital imagery such as models and paintings.

The use of 3D camera’s to create live action virtual reality is also on the rise, with full 3D music videos and worlds coming to life. The accessibility of them and high number of smart phones being used by the prime audiences is decent enough to make them a good way to use as advertising for companies, movies, etc. Youtube has just become a good base to show them off too, as they have made a way to put the virtual reality films on the internet for us to even use as we rotate our phones to see around us.

Augmented reality is a bit more difficult to develop. There has been a rise in popularity recently thanks to Pokémon Go. The advancements on using a 3D camera in a live action space are getting significantly better as time goes by. We do not have the ability to create an augmented world using live action yet, but I am sure we have that in the works. At the moment we do have the use of 3D digital characters and scenes that can be created to look ridiculously real.

The downside of the virtual reality and the augmented reality is that we won’t be able to really appreciate the compositions and shots that are so often favoured in a film. At the same time, the free movement of the view of the audience can open a huge range of possibilities.

The films are getting bigger, and the hype is getting larger. The visuals are getting more realistic and the stories seem to be sticking to reboots and sequels.

There is a rising interest in Indie movies, with the original storylines being new and exciting. The movie and comic adaptations are getting worn thin; it feels as though Hollywood is now using their popularity to scrape money from our pockets. It is working, but pirating films is becoming more and more popular because the audiences want to see the film, but don’t want to waste their time buying tickets to the movies.

The rise in piracy is becoming increasingly more dangerous for the film community. Hundreds or thousands of people have devoted their time and energy into creating the film to create an income to put food on the table each night.

The decision on whether people wish to see a film at the cinemas is initially based on what the critics are saying about the film. The overall opinion on the films generally differ from the critics’ point of view to the audiences’ point of view. I have seen way too many bad reviews lately, even for films that end up with quite a positive feedback from the fans.

The illegal downloading or streaming of films has been done for years now. Now we have full length films up on Facebook even. I’ve seen many; from Deadpool, to Me Before You.

The amount of money going into Hollywood films is way too high in my opinion. We saw that lower budgets spent on movies don’t necessarily lower how well it does in the Box Office. For instance did you not see how well Deadpool did? It’s the length of time given to the companies to create films that is what knocks them down. With a shorter attention span of our generation, we see the length of time between movies is getting shorter and shorter, meaning a higher demand for the films to be made faster. This gives them less time to think the storyline through which unfortunately leads to a less complicated and interesting storyline.

It’s really heart breaking to see the hard work of so many be seen my billions of people for free. It takes away the beauty of the movie to see it on a computer screen instead of the big screen.

In 20 years’ time, the life of cinema is going to be going either uphill or downhill. We have the ability to make it completely immersive for the audience, to really put us into the seat of a character, or we could watch the art of cinema crumble below us as we continue to watch the movies for free online.

In the end, it’s really up to the audience to help bring the life of cinema back up, we’ve already said goodbye to most of our movie rental places, let’s not say goodbye to our cinemas too.

 Chany.

[chanycullen]

12.09pm Sunday. Less than 7 hours to go and we have got draft #1 done, vfx and our second draft is on its way. Off to have a quick nap but the conversations are getting weird and we are learning each other's laptop passwords now. Bursting into old school songs (jump jam included) is now a some what frequent thing. 'He's a maniac, maaaniac!' Just got sung under the breath of 3 of our people. We are down to 4 people editing our project now. Had a coffee this morning yas. Had half a packet of cookies. Gotta do my assignment too....hopefully I'm awake tonight to do it. Have learnt more this weekend than I have in a while. It's so satisfying knowing that we can actually get something done, knowing that we can only get faster and better. Will update you in a bit. My eyes are about to close.

[chanycullen]

2.12am sunday morning.

got 2 minutes of editing done. my ability to think without laughing has abandoned me. I see myself going past the laughter stage and into the emotionless stage of tiredness.

Everythings slightly blurry but matching sound to video has been SO much fun. Kates sitting opposite me and is talking to herself.

I just wanna lie down and nap but o well.

The ice cream cravings have kicked in as kate brings out a maccas sundae outta the fridge.

rethinking life rn.

number of hours slept since we started at 7pm friday: 4.

[chanycullen]

9.54pm Saturday night. Trying to get an idea for our 20 second video but it's not going so well. Have many more ideas of how to introduce ourselves than actually writing our script. Had a massive maccas meal. Too full to think and just wanna nap. Have only slept about 8 hours in the last 2 nights 😓 Time to edit. Time to race for sleep. Happy with our filming so far. :)

[chanycullen]

10.35am. Still don't have a final script. Still tired. Got our crew here now. Talking about our old high schools, about to get shit done. Don't have everything we need but on our way to somewhere :)

[chanycullen]

5.16am sat morning. Fucking dead m8. Got a vague plan. Ready to read write and stuff tomorrow. Got key narrative points done. Time to shoot in a few hours. Ghost busting time.

[chanycullen]

Time to begin!! 6.50 and we have our packs. Time to learn our genre 💕💕💕💕

[chanycullen]

2am Saturday. We keep thinking about microwaves, holes in the wall and death in our short films. Film idea only just forming, wanna nap but no fucking clue what's going on. I feel like I've written 1000 stories in the last few hours. Weird stories are coming through. We sound like we have an obsession with holes, toasters and forks. Current state of mind is dead. I'm not a night person but we have a whole case of Vs.

[chanycullen]

Time to begin!! 6.50 and we have our packs. Time to learn our genre 💕💕💕💕

[chanycullen]

So we have our theme. Cat and mouse. We know none of the example films we were given its gonna be fun. Our enthusiasm is high and our energy is still at 100%. The goody bag includes tonnes of chocolate and lollies plus energy drinks. Our ideas are wide and interesting. 7.50pm Friday. We going good. Our actors are at the ready and keen to get going for tomorrow. Will update on story ideas :)

[chanycullen]

Time to begin!! 6.50 and we have our packs. Time to learn our genre 💕💕💕💕