I breathe disaster

Nicole Warren Rhodes light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder. My life has been a spiral of pitfalls for as long as I can remember. Everything falls to shit, chaos takes over. I guess I should have expected everything to fall from grace three years ago. Things were too good, perfect almost. The once boyfriend things I did things I never would have done. The best friend has been spiraling out of control since losing her mother. I honestly have no idea what comes next or how I'm supposed to keep it all together for anyone when I can't even keep my own life from going to shit.

[chaos--crossing]

“I’m telling you, you should just fuck her.” Beck’s voice was obnoxiously loud and accompanied by one of his arrogant laughs as she pulled the chain on the fence and let herself into the yard. Finding Beck, Aiden, Jules and a few of their other friends around a fire was nothing new. A typical friday night for the college goers. Where else could 19 year olds drink and smoke without questions and carding?

The crowd hadn’t bothered to look up when the gate had opened. Instead, she watched for a moment as Jules took another hit from the joint in his hand, let out a sigh accompanied with the smoke and threw his head back with the slightest of laughs. For the boy she’d watched grow up, she’d never exactly felt like he was a brother figure.

After all, she knew more of his secrets than anyone else did.

There was something about Beck’s words that made her sneer for a moment as she walked closer to them. “Don’t fuck anyone Beck already has, you’ll end up with a vanerial disease.” it was her entrance, one that made Beck roll his eyes as she made her way over.

He hated her, for some reason unknown to her he always had.

Instead of a hello, she reached for the joint out of Jules hand as she settled herself on the arm of his chair and brought it to her lips, “Shouldn’t you be playing baby dolls or some shit?” Beck countered as she blew a cloud to the side of her and returned the joint back to Jules hand.

There was no intelligent response dedicated to Beck’s direction.

“Where’s my sister?” she loved the fact that Jules never felt the need to chide her or lecture. They shared secrets that no one else knew, ones that for him that were some of the worst. Their relationship was deeper than anyone else in the yard could have understood. She was almost positive that the things she knew weren’t even things that Beck was privy to.

If he didn’t know where his sister was, it was always Warren’s job to know. It put Jules' mind at ease, Warren had developed a habit of doing whatever calmed his soul a bit. “Out with Cam. His mom took them to the theater or something.” she understood his protective streak better than even Callie did.

“So” she voiced, changing the subject back to where it had been when she’d walked in the yard. That vein of curiosity was still something she felt like she needed to pick. “Who’s on the potential to screw list?” If Beck wanted to sound like a cheap neanderthal she could play the same game. Even if it made Jules’ cheeks flush a light color of pink.

He passed off the joint to Aiden and she felt it as he reached his arm out, wrapping around behind her with his thumb resting on her hip. To the outside it might have seemed like a suspicious move. But if the outside got any thoughts in their heads they didn’t know the pair very well. Jules and Warren had been friends since they were kids. Everything between them was something simple. It wasn’t strange or inappropriate. It was just simply Jules and Warren.

There was no one Warren was more comfortable with.

“It’s nothing War.” Jules shrugged it off and Warren attempted to ignore the way there was a slight uncalled for fire under her skin. She’d been doing this a lot lately, finding herself overthinking when it came to Julian and their friends. Even though it was impossibly stupid for her to get anything in her head. Sure, she and Jules were friends. They were friends just like she was friends with Aiden and Vi ...and even Beck.

It wasn’t anything for her to have actual feelings about.

The only thing she could think to do was blame it on hormones. At 14 her emotions were all over the place. She couldn’t have been asked to not feel things. Not when she was in the middle of a weird position of growing up and still being a kid. That was what happened when you started high school. At least, that was what she figured it had to be. It wasn’t like having feelings for her best friend’s brother would have made any sense. Warren wasn’t stupid, she also knew that their age gap was a rather large one for their ages currently.

He never would have looked at her like that.

Yet she waited for one of the boys to speak. “It’s no one, just someone in my sociology class. Beck thinks I’m desperate.” desperate? Nah. cautious? Absolutely. Not that the boys or the rest of his friends who sat around the fire really knew that. She knew the reason his walls were up and why he was guarded. They’d shared those secrets in the dark. She’d been in his room when his father had played lord and savior and tormented his son in ways that would never have been taken back. “He doesn’t get that I’m just ...content.”

“Can confirm. He does know what he’s doing. He fucked me last week.” Violet spat out, now in possession of the joint. Warren felt her head snap in the direction of the blonde who had the biggest smirk on her face. It sent a flash of white hot jealousy up Warren’s back that she had to quickly stand up to suppress.

Whatever was going on with her needed to stop. Before she made an ass out of herself. The last thing she needed was for Jules to think there was something up or that she was acting possessive or jealous in any way. Because that wasn’t what this was. At least, she didn’t think it was. She didn’t have a right to have feelings for him. Compared to him she was just some stupid kid.

She ran a hand through her hair, avoiding the looks that the circle around the fire seemed to be giving her. “I uh… just remembered Cal asked me to turn on the air in her room for her. I’ll be right back.” she lied, quickly ducking out of the yard and into the back door.

This needed to stop. This light jealousy. Before she found herself fucking up the best relationships in her life.

[chaos--crossing]

There was a soft glow of a night light that had caught her eye from the cracked door. She’d been on her way to the bathroom. Callie had been sound asleep for hours and it wasn’t as if it were a strange place to Warren. At least twice a week she ended up as one of the Beaumont kids.

But it was the first time that Julian’s light had summoned to her, calling her closer well after everyone in the house had gone to bed for the night.

“Watcha doing?” Her whisper came out before she’d even entered his room, dark hair sticking every which way as she poked her face in the crack of the older boy’s door, startling him. Jules’ eyes went wide, confused for a moment. She stood there as he flipped the book he was reading closed and shined the flashlight in her direction.

There was something about Jules that always made Warren feel relaxed. Not the same feeling she’d ever gotten from Mr. Beaumont. There was something about the patriarch of the Beaumont family that gave her the creeps. Not something she’d ever said to Callie before. It wasn’t as if Warren knew what it was supposed to be like to have a father around. Hers treated her as if she was a business transaction.

“You should be in Cal’s room” the eleven year old spit out as she ventured further into his room, pausing curiously at the models that had their spots on his shelves. Cars and room models. The ones that she’d seen him working on in the kitchen on many occasions when she’d come over. Jules was always the quiet time, the one who silently observed. “It’s too late for you to be awake.”

Warren made a face at him, looking up at the clock on his wall and squinting for a moment before giving up, it wasn’t like she knew what the numbers and hands meant anyway. “I don’t like sleep, it’s too boring.” she protested, left hand finding its way to her mouth and pushing back and forth on a tooth there that was loose. She’d been trying to get the dang thing out all day.

Finally, she’d made her way closer to his bed, climbing up on it and laying down without his permission. Warren had always been the obnoxious sort, inviting herself wherever she pleased. Hell, that had been how she’d become friends with Callie to begin with. She’d decided that Eleanor and Callie looked like good people, and good people were the easy sort to talk to. “Watcha reading?” she asked, reaching out and pulling at the comic he’d been flipping through. She recognized it from the ones he typically flipped through in the passenger seat of his mother’s SUV.

She didn’t understand the nervous pause that was in Julain’s look for a moment as he gazed up at the door before pulling the comic from her grasp and flipping it open, “It’s Captain America. You know, he doesn’t let the bag guys win, he’s a hero.” Julian explained to her like she was a littler kid then he gave her credit for.

“I know what a hero is Julsey.” Warren replied, testing out a nickname and deciding that she liked it enough to use. “They’re bullshit stories that grownups tell kids about.” the type of language that Magda told her not to use in front of polite people. It wasn’t as if Jules was an adult, she could say whatever she wanted. Magda didn’t need to know anything.

Jules was quiet for a moment, “You shouldn’t talk like that you know.” in that moment he sounded more like Mr. Beaumont than he did himself. She didn’t like it.

“Don’t worry, i’m not gonna teach callie it.” dismissal dripped from her shoulders as she flipped through the pages of the comic she’d taken out of her best friend’s brother’s hands. The pictures were beautiful, the depicted action was as though she were looking at a movie. Not like all of the lame baby books that the teachers tried to teach her with.

They were both silent for a moment but she noticed Jules’ increased looked towards the door, as if he was waiting for something. “Callie’s asleep. I promise I didn’t wake her up.” Warren said finally, after his thirtieth glance at his bedroom door. Why he was so paranoid Warren didn’t understand. She was friends with the both of them.

“Warren, you really should go back to Cal’s room.” he sounded nervous, she could pick up on that much. Part of her wondered if he thought he was going to get in trouble that she’d snuck into his room. She’d seen that on the movies that Magda watched when she thought Warren was asleep for the night. The boy and girl getting in trouble for being in the same room at night.

It was all stupid.

“That’s not it War.” though there wasn’t much time for Julian to elaborate on what he meant exactly. She heard the footsteps coming and felt Jules’ hands shove her off of the bed and tuck her under his bed, carefully, the same way that he usually pushed Callie when she got on his nerves.

Warren didn’t exactly understand what was going on or what he’d done. But something also told her not to protest or raise her voice. If Jules was hiding her, there was something going on that he needed her not to see or be in the room for. Instead of making a peep, she laid flat underneath his bed as the footsteps neared closer to the door.

She figured it had to be Mr. Beaumont peeking his head in to make sure everyone was in their respective rooms. Though she’d never noticed him do that to Callie’s room. Maybe it was just because he thought Julian was a bad kid and needed to be supervised.

Parents were stupid like that.

“Son” yup, it was Mr. Beaumont. She listened as he walked into the room, there was something else, the sound of jingling, the sound of a belt. Something about it sent a shiver up Warren’s spine, like she knew that whatever was going on in the room above her shouldn’t have been happening, it wasn't right.

Warren didn’t know what parents were supposed to be like very well, but she was pretty sure she knew what they weren’t supposed to be like. Something about Mr. Beaumont gave her the creeps, but this, this was something else entirely and it made her feel a certain pit of rage in her stomach, one that balled her fits and frustrated her to the point that she wanted to climb out from under the bed and find out what the man thought he was doing…

[chaos--crossing]

There was nothing but silence as Callie talked about what it had been like with Beck. A part of it made her miss all of the times when she’d kept her own secrets when it came to Jules, reminded her of when her lips had been painfully tight to not share. But there had been so many factors in why she and Jules had kept things secret. For that she could respect Callie’s reasoning.

“Who would have thought that Beck actually has a heart deep in there.” she said quietly, her own bias coming out. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Beck. She did. Of course, not nearly to the extent Callie did. But Beck had always taken care of Jules. Even in the moments that he put a layer of ice between them. Beck had always put Jules’ well being before his own. Considering that Jules did that for everyone else, she would always be grateful that at least someone looked out for the man who kept so many of his own secrets.

“I thought he’d hate me” it was one single sentence that made her remember what it was like to be Jules’ girlfriend. TO know him like the back of her own hand. “Cal, there’s not a damn thing in the world you could do that would ever make him hate you. Trust me, you’re everything to that brother of yours.” she was. There’d been times even in the beginning of her own relationship with Jules when she’d questioned if he could handle keeping the secret from Callie.

They’d had that conversation on their own too many times.

Wondering at what risk they were worth. When it came down to it, they probably never should have started. But that was a topic of conversation that Warren would still have with herself time and time again. Not one she actually needed to express to Callie.

There was relief that flooded her once Callie asked a question about Beck being happy. At least it was a breather that would take her out of her  own mind. A break from her thoughts was always a welcomed feeling. “Beck seems…” she wasn’t exactly the best one to judge Beck’s happiness. Beck seemed like he was happiest when he had a bottle in his hand and there were numerous girls in front of him. “Honestly Cal, at this point i think you’re a better judge when it comes to Beck’s happiness then even your brother is.”

Not that she really knew if Jules thought Beck was happy.

She and Jules didn’t talk too much lately. They were still close, sure, but most of their conversations centered around Grey and Jules’ relationship with Valeria. Which seemed to be going beautifully at least. She hadn’t seen Jules look so light in longer than she cared to even admit.

“I’m sure he’s happy with her though. She seems… great.” Aiden had other words. They’d had fun at Beck’s bachelor party sitting out on the balcony throwing back shots and making fun of the thought of the then upcoming wedding. Aiden always had a way of keeping everyone's secrets and making everyone happy at the same time. If anyone in their friend group deserved the world it was Aiden.

It was further relief when talk of the dress fitting came along. Not that that had to have been very easy for Callie to have gone through she figured. “Oh god. What a shit show.” weddings were even lower on Warren’s list than they had been before Beck and Aubrey’s. “You have to tell me how exactly you ended up having to be her maid of honor anyway. We were all confused about that.”

Then it dawned on her, “Wait” Warren interrupted suddenly, “Does this mean that she knows about the two of you? Because that just sounds ...awkward.” God, she really had missed so much when it came to Callie’s life and the whole Beck thing. It seemed to have ripple effects over Callie’s entire life.

[chaos--crossing]

There’s a pause for a moment as she listens. It’s hard to believe that Beck has any sort of sensitive side. But coming from the fact that Warren knows secrets when it comes to Jules that Callie still doesn’t (at least as far as she knows) have any idea about. People have layers and those layers aren’t meant to be exposed to everyone. There’s just too much of a risk when you let someone in. She’s seen that first hand plenty of times.

“I still hate the fact that I wasn’t here for you. That you needed me… with all of that… and I was the last person you would have let in.” it all weighs back to the fact that Warren hadn’t been there when Cam had lost his shit too. She can’t even fully blame the things that were happening with Jules. She was the one who’d chosen to leave the school building. She could have stayed and been there for her best friend.

Maybe then Eleanor would have been there instead. Jules and Callie both needed their mom.

But those are the things that haunt Warren’s sleep the most. The what ifs. They’re regrets that she’s pretty sure she’ll never have the courage or the ability to voice out loud. But ones that will always be in the back of her mind. She would have given anything to switch places with that woman. If it would have meant that Jules and Callie’s hell could have been reduced a little more than it was.

“I can’t say that that all is anything I’d ever expect out of Beck.” to look at them, it would have been an easy guess that Jules would have been the softer one on the inside. It was hard to believe that things were the other way around. That Beck had the soft core while Jules was the one tough as nails. They really were one another’s other halves. She supposed she should have figured that. When it came to Jules and Beck you couldn’t exactly have one without the other. That was the reason she’d tolerated Beck for as long as she had.

Beck and Jules would always be Beck and Jules. “I swear, sometimes I think they’re one another’s one great loves.” it’s a joke, of course. But the way they’d both do anything to protect the other went far beyond anything else. Hell, Beck had gone as far as breaking the rules to assure that Jules life had no complications in it. It didn’t completely surprise her that he’d even break his own heart for the man that he called his best friend.

It just hurt to know that Callie was the one in that crossfire.

She doesn’t comment on the name Hayden that’s being thrown around. That’s a question for another time and she has a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the man who’d twirled her around the dance floor at the wedding. But right now it really doesn’t matter and it isn’t of importance. The main concern at the moment is making sure that Callie’s actually alright.

And that starts with the fact that Aubrey seems like one of the plastic housewives of vegas 2022 edition. “Um ...ew.” she makes a face, inwardly cringing at the thought. “Great, silicone and botox sound like wonderful life partner options.” it’s a smirk that comes next. Because if there’s anything that Warren’s always done pretty well it’s mocking the choices that Beck and Aiden make when they’re left unattended.

“I will bet right now that they’re discussion is consisting of if she wants to get her ass re done first or her chest…” it’s a weak attempt but Warren would do just about anything to try and get Callie to smile instead of cry. Sure, it’s a small and lousy contribution. But considering that they’ve spent years at odds at this point, even the slightest hint of a smile would do. “And that dress? Who elects to get married in a cupcake? Because that’s what she looked like. That family sitting on the right side of a cathedral. God…”

[chaos--crossing]

Why would she have yelled. As angry as she felt, she’d done the same thing to Callie. It was an even draw between the two of them. Sure, two wrongs didn’t make a right, but still, if she’d of said anything against it, if she’d have yelled, it would have made her the world’s biggest hypocrite and that was the last thing Callie needed.

Besides, the thought of once again fighting just made Warren more tired than anything else. They’d been through so much of that in the past few years, there was nothing worth going through it again. Exhaustion probably would have killed Warren at that point. It was better if she just shut her mouth and let her best friend talk. It was better for them both if there was no more silent treatment as had been dealt out by a spiteful and angry kid.

She didn’t voice anything. Instead, Warren simply let Callie talk. It was that easy.

Shortly after the shooting she meant. The shooting that had been years ago now. Sure, they’d been on rocky terms even then, but there’s still a part of Warren who hadn’t thought it was quite as rocky as to this point. The whole thing opens her eyes perhaps more than they had been. She’d underestimated just how badly things with jules had hurt Callie.

There’s a mental note made. That even if things were to go south with Val (not that they will. Warren’s pretty sure she’s the perfect one for him) there’s no way the two of them could ever mend anything that had been broken between them. Her friendship was far too important for there to be a guy in the middle. Even if at one point Warren had thought that they would have been happy spending their lives together. None of that risk would have been worth making Callie feel like she needed to wall herself off again.

And Warren’s fine with it. They’re better off as friends anyway.

Putting Callie first was something that Warren had slacked on and it had hurt their friendship more than War had even realized. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. She’d promised Eleanor and Jules that she’d always protect Callie and she’d fucked that up all for hormones. If she could have taken it all back she would have. Because friendship? Nothing should have gotten in the way of that.

“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t trust me.” she says, quietly. Her head is bent down as she falters to look up at Callie. There are so many things that Warren had done wrong over the years but letting Callie down hurts the most. The one relationship that she was supposed to protect and take care of and she hadn’t even been able to do that right.

The worst part was that her judgement had been so clouded by her emotions for Jules that she’d let how Callie was dealing with everything slip right through her fingers. She’d put herself first in the most selfish of ways. There was no making that one better or even apologizing for it. “What Jules and I both did to you wasn’t fair. We never should have made you feel like your feelings weren’t valid or important and I get that that was probably how you felt after everything we pulled.”

Getting her words out hadn’t ever been Warren’s strong suit. Most of that she laid full blame on the fact that her parents had spoken maybe 20 whole sentences to her in her lifetime before passing her off to nannies and writing her checks. Not that she could blame any of this on that. “You are so much better than all of that Callie. Beck… Beck’s always been a good for nothing frat boy with one thing on his mind.” she’d been in close proximity of listening to all of his and Jules’ conversations for years. She would have sworn that Beck hadn’t ever had a meaningful relationship.

“I’m sorry that you got sucked into his games when you were the most vulnerable and I wasn’t there to do a damn thing about it.” she does blame herself entirely. She should have been paying more attention. “Was he part of the reason that everything happened? ...the OD?” she should have seen it then. How Beck hadn’t left Callie’s room. It wasn’t just reminders of what he and Jules had assisted with when they were kids. It was more than that.

Perhaps some part of Beck had actually cared about Callie.

Not that it mattered now, Callie was right, Beck was married. “I’m guessing that you told Jules all of this by now?” Even in that, Jules who once told her everything, that was no more either. Val was his secret keeper. It relieved her to a degree knowing that he at least had someone to get it all out to. “What can I do for you? How can I be here for once?”

[chaos--crossing]

It’s the mention of August’s name that makes her double her pour into her glass. Things there had been… complicated. And weird. But she supposed that was all her fault considering that she and Jules were still being stupid at the time of the whole thing.

Boy have things come a long way in two years.

Warren zones out slightly as she brings the glass to her lips and takes a larger than normal gulp. Somethings just felt ...off lately. It’s like she’s constantly in the dark on something. It’s as if she almost wonders if she is. If their whole little group knows something she doesn’t. Maybe it’s just the fact that she’s not with Jules anymore and she’s actually on the outside of it all that’s getting to her. Because it’s kind of the truth. She is. There’s really nothing tying her to their main little group of friends.

Okay, so maybe she’s been in her head about the whole thing a little more than necessary. What else is she supposed to do when everyone else seems to be out (including Grey) and she’s stuck at the apartment staring at the white walls?

Then it’s the sentence that hits her ears and the fact that Callie is walking away from her, “what’s up Callie? Are you moving out on me next?” oh god, just the thought makes her cringe. If there’s one thing Warren’s never done well with it was living alone. Perhaps it’s the after effect of being left all on her own too early. She’d spent many a night at the Beaumont’s home trying to push off the feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Why is it that that’s creeping up on her again?

She was supposed to be past all of those thoughts.

Yet she follows Callie to her room and takes a sip from her glass again before placing it on the bedside table. It’s been a year since she and Jules last screwed around and it just seems ...weird. Usually, even when they were playing their games, they always found a way back to one another. She can only assume that this time it’s for good and for some reason it’s just a shade unsettling to her.

She’s always had him and Callie to fall on.

“If you say you’re moving out I swear I’m moving out of the state.” it’s not like she hasn’t considered that before. Leaving and starting over completely new, somewhere where no one actually knows who she is or what her history was. Especially now when no one really seems to need her. Why not let them be happy and just ...go?

It’s when the sentence drops from Callie’s lips that Warren pulls herself out of her thoughts. Her eyes focus in on Callie and she actually tilts her head. “...wait.” the months… no, scratch that, years of secrecy. The ones where Callie brushed her off without so much of a dignified explanation. There were oh so many of those.

“...is this some type of pay back?” she’d gotten the ilentment treatment for months because of what she and Jules had hidden. Months of not so much of a single word. And yet Callie’s sitting in the middle of her bed looking as if she’s going to burst into tears any second.

For a moment there’s a flash of anger in brown eyes. Because she was pegged as the bad person for so long all because she hadn’t wanted to hurt Callie. Because of the way they age difference between herself and Jules would have looked, due to the whole ‘don’t sleep with your best friends brother’ claus in the best friends unspoken handbook.

Not to mention, majority of the time Warren found Beck to be a grade A creep who needed to learn how to shut his goddamn mouth and not act like a spoiled rich kid.

But the anger dissipates in seconds.

Instead, Warren sits there for a second and reaches for her glass. It’s going to take a little more wine than she expected ...like the whole bottle of wine. Sure, she gets that this was probably how Callie felt when the truth of the matter about her and Jules had come out. But they’d sworn not to keep secrets anymore. They’d promised that ...she’d thought it had meant something.

“Wow” is all she said for a moment. Still trying to brush away the hurt before she actually speaks. Because she knows that that’s unfair and considering that she’d done the same thing in the past it wouldn’t have been fair for her to just unload all of her anger and let it out. That would have just been an undeserved mess and neither one of them can really risk that. Their friendship has been on fragile ground enough.

“...I’m guessing this has been going on ...for… a… while?” she tiptoes, her voice still edging on quiet as she fidgets and holds onto the glass a little tighter. “Why the hell did he get married last week?” she’s more than willing to go on a tirade about how much of a shit person Beck is. As much as Jules loves him, he’s given her more than enough crap through the years to be able to fire off at any given second.

[chaos--crossing]

“Pero no me toques el culo.” she doesn’t exactly know what’s being said but she can only imagine that Jules is being yelled at for the way he’s so shamelessly feeling Val up in the hallway. She’d gone on a walk with them and she'd noticed the change in Jules, how happy he was.

It means the world to her to see her ex boyfriend happy.

She shakes her head and leans down to say a quick goodbye to Grey as the pair makeout like shameless teenagers in the hallway of her apartment building. “You go straight home and find your siblings, okay Grey. get away from these dummies and mommy will see you on monday.” she nuzzles the top of his head with her cheek before standing up finally.

With Brooklyn she’d been jealous, a deep set jealousy that had easily made her want to compete. With Val there’s just a hint of sadness that remains. But it all gets covered with how relieved she is that his eyes sparkle and finally meet his eyes when he stares at the woman in front of him.

“Enough PDA in front of my kid. Take him home and go shut a door.” she jokes snapping her fingers as they break apart. Valeria is the first one to grab her then, the tight hug she’s tangled in in a matter of seconds makes her laugh. That’s the thing about Val, she’s always bright sunshine. Warren can’t complain about it. It’s refreshing considering the darkness that their entire little circle has been through lately.

Valeria’s arms are still around her neck and she watches as the woman throws her head back in the way of her boyfriend, “go home Jules. You’re not needed anymore” her accident is thick, licking her words as she kisses the air and Warren can only laugh as she drops her head to Val’s shoulder.

He beams for a moment. “Alright, fine… I see how it is.” playfully he about faces like he’s going to walk away.

She’s not sure that she’s ever seen him this relaxed and playful. Sure, in their home had been one thing. Behind closed doors where the heaviness of the world couldn’t get to him. But this was something else entirely. “I’ll just go eat all of the tamales you made the other night.”

Just like that she feels Valeria’s arms let go of her and she flounses back over to her boyfriend. There’s a kiss to his lips and a slap to his ass as she grabs the keys from his hand and blows a fast goodbye in Warren’s direction.

“I’ll bring him back to you ...wednesday?” she nods as he steps forward, wrapping his arms around her, head drooping to her shoulder and squeezing for a moment. She still feels her heart clench, it would be impossible for it not to. They’ve always been too close for that to just ...not… happen anymore.

She breathes in the moment for a second.

A business trip. She’s out of town for some assembly her team is putting on even though she doesn’t exactly want to participate in it. Social media background checks should not be conducted in a PR office. Of course they were going to get her name on the list of survivors when they googled her. It’s ridiculous to send her of all people to do something like this. But it’s work and what other choice does she really have?

“Try not to scar my kid too much while I’m away, okay?” she requests as she kisses his cheek and steps back from his grasp. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with your sister and a bottle of wine while I pack.” he laughs and holds onto Grey’s leash a little tighter, nodding at her.

“Alright Grey… i’ll race you outside to Val.” she loves the way that Grey’s dopey two different colored eyes look up at Jules, taking in his words before taking off running in the direction that Valeria left in. The way he understands things has always been better than most adults.

She watches the hallway until they both disappear from view and then she finally turns to walk inside of the new apartment.

There’s a breath before she steps back inside the apartment, just a single one. There are still moments when the entirety of the past catches up with her, moments when it’s all too much.

Beck’s wedding was a week ago now.

“Alright, your brother’s gone… time to break out the alcohol.” she calls out, walking to the wet bar and pulling out the wine. Drinking and packing doesn’t sound like the worst way to spend a friday night. Besides, with whatever had gone on between Callie and Jules the other night, whatever had made them both seem lighter, she needed the details of it all. There had been far too many secrets in the past few years and she’s tired of feeling like the equivalent of wallpaper.

“Please don’t tell me that you’re ditching me tonight.”

[chaos--crossing]

It had been his charismatic smile. If anyone asked that would have been her reasoning for joining him for an early dinner after the assembly. Besides, they were both in a strange town and she didn’t have anything better to do anyway. She really hadn’t had much of an excuse to tell him no.

The bar and grill had a multitude of televisions everywhere, playing reruns of past games and the occasional soap opera for the waitresses to be entertained by during the slow portion of the day. The waitstaff had excitedly calmored to seat them, stating that they didn’t see many people during the daylight hours and having someone to help and talk to would make the day run a little bit faster. She’d never worked in a restaurant but she could imagine how daunting the task had to be when it was dead and no one came in.

He’d motioned her into the booth and waited till she was comfortably sitting before taking his spot across from her. It was an action that was curious for the most part. Jules had been that rare gem who brought chivalry up to the max. But it was entertaining and refreshing to see that he was not the last gentleman on earth.

“You can say it you know, ask about him.” lemon waters had been brought over and Louie had nodded a thank you to the waitress before turning his attention back to her. His expression was neutral. “You also can ask if i’m secretly a psychopath too.” that thought hadn’t even crossed her mind, and she understood that it was him lightly making a joke while also keeping a level of seriousness.

During the assembly at the school Louis had described what it had been like towards the end of his senior year of high school. How a beautiful May day had shattered everything in his life that he’d known. His little brother, a sophomore at the time, had taken a firearm to school and took out emotional anger on the rest of the students. He’d shattered 7 lives, his own, and broken his entire family into pieces. The mall Georgia town had been torn apart and pinned against the Grayson family.

There was a polite smile on her face as she sipped from the straw for a moment before responding to him. “I think you said all you needed to say up there.” and his expression said everything he didn’t say. “I can’t imagine how much you miss him.” she didn’t need biological siblings to understand the bond. It was what she had with Callie and the boys. Even if any of them had done the worst she would still have felt the open wound and void that any of their absences would have left in their wake.

His smile didn’t look reproachful, but instead appreciative. “You know, most people would ask how I could still love the monster that my brother was. After everything he did…” hurt flashed in his eye and for a second she got a clear view of what Louie had been through. The words that had probably been cast his way due to his feelings were probably reprehensible and fueled by hurt.

“Yeah well, trust me. I’m not most people.” his light laugh in reaction was warming.

Silence fell over them both as the waitress came back to take their orders. Sliders and curly fries for him, a bacon cheeseburger and onion rings for her. Items that the signs boosted were the grills best.

“What is your story ...Warren?” the one she didn’t talk about. The one that wasn’t a big deal, she hadn’t even been present for it and hard hardly been outright affected by it. “I mean, if you want to share. I’m not pressuring you here.” but fair was fair. Not that he’d had much of a choice other than to share his story. Her boss had put him on the spot to sign up for their little country-wide presentation on why school shootings were so common and what needed to be done by the schools to insure that their students were safe.

She was quiet a moment, lost in playing with the ice cubes in her glass. “I was a senior in high school when my best friend’s boyfriend…” she liked that there was no apology on the tip of his tongue, that instead he watched her carefully but gave her the room to speak without feeling pressured to offer a fake smile. “He uh… her mom was a teacher at the school. Cam killed her. He almost killed Callie too.” her lip was bit in reflection for a moment. As she gathered her thoughts to speak again, trying to figure out deep the honesty cut off with a new person went. “I’d left school early so I wasn’t there.”

Her story was simple. At least it sounded a lot more simple.

At least more so than his.

“And you think just because you weren’t there you don’t have the right to be scarred by it. I went through that too.”

She threw him a look as he spoke, a raised brow question, “Louie, you were directly involved ...I mean, your brother…” she didn’t want to be that person who sounded like everyone else. She understood it, how that guilt of not being there and not first hand experiencing the panic of a lockdown screwed with a person’s head. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Trust me Warren, our brains are assholes and don’t let us take the credit for things that we deserve most of the time.” there it was again, that smile that for some reason told her that things were alright. She couldn’t explain it, but there was something about Louis Grayson that made her comfortable in the way that she was when she was around Jules and the boys.

She wanted to get to know him better. Which was saying a lot for the girl who’d always stuck to what she knew. (Or in the case of August, threw herself into a world of chaos that she did not belong in)

[chaos--crossing]

“I hate these things. These conferences. They always feel more damaging than anything else.” the man beside her, leaning against the brick wall, complained. She wasn’t sure he was even talking to her as much as airing out his grievances. She’d seen plenty of individuals do the same. Just talk into nothing in order to get out their nerves before go time. Before going in to to talk to a group of bored students. “Most of the time the crowd looks at me like I don’t even belong here. Especially since I wasn’t even at the school that day.”

It was the last sentence that finally struck her interest, giving her reason to turn her head and really look at him.

The cigarette between his fingers was brought back to his lips again. There was a long inhale of nicotine. “I guess if it helps so much as one person to hear me talk, then it’s worth it though.” the paper stick chucked into the ground, his boat shoe snuffing it out. “I’m sorry, my manners seem to fly out with the nerves.” okay, he was definitely speaking to her. “Louis. Louis Grayson.” his hand was out to her, a formal introduction.

It had been about 6 months since she’d first joined the PP team. Since they’d learned her background and tasked her with the mission of coheading a team that put together speakers of school shooting representatives. The survivors. Those who could speak to youths about how their lives had changed after their tumulchuous occurrences had happened.

Why they’d tasked her with it she didn’t quite understand. She was a student in Utah, but it wasn’t like she’d been at the school that day. Instead, she’d just watched the lives around her fall apart. Her best friend being one of those who’d lost just about everything.

But the firm was a good one and so she couldn’t have backed out even if she’d wanted to. This was a great opportunity to prove her self-woth, the fact that she did belong as part of their team and she could handle whatever they threw at her. Even if they didn’t seem to be the best listeners on the matter.

“Nicole Rhodes.” she introduced as she took his hand, a nice firm business like shake was what she was met with.

They weren’t always like this, weren’t always so headstrong and sure of themselves. Most of the others that she’d dealt with had an air of anxiety to them. Their trauma counselors there to talk them through their speeches, to reassure them that walking inside of a high school was going to be alright. She understood them, she did, she got those anxieties. After what her senior year had looked like, she got it.

“Well miss Rhodes, it’s lovely to meet such a stunning face.” hazel eyes glanced up again, studying him this time. His flattery was borderline flirting. But she wasn’t sure if that was just another side effect of the nerves, or if he was just a type A like Aiden. With the bright green eyes and dimple in one cheek there was a definite indication that he could have just been a flirt.

He was quiet again, squirting a palm full of sanitizer into his hand and cleaning off the evidence of smoke. “You have a story, don’t you?” this was not about her, she wasn’t one of the ones speaking. In fact, Warren did these things so that she didn’t have to talk. She could slip into the background and support the people who needed it most. “I’m sorry. I went out and became a trauma therapist. My mother, who is a psychologist, said that it was my way of making penance for the trauma. Maybe in a way she’s right, but I don’t really like to admit that.” it was his final remark that finally made her smile.

The apple watch on her wrist buzzed. She took a moment before responding to him to glance at her wrist. A photo of Grey popped up on her screen. Valeria had him at the dog park, seemingly cuddling with a pitbull and pomeranian. If humans could have gotten along like dogs they wouldn’t have had a need for this particular showcase of speakers.

Speakers who held different levels of trauma.

“Boyfriend telling you to knock em dead? Or at least keep us all in line?” he was a chatty and inquisitive one. But for some reason Warren didn’t find herself bothered by the incessant chatter. It wasn’t only that she’d been told to do whatever she could to keep the speakers comfortable. It was that she was genuinely enjoying the company of the over-talker.

Her head shook in reaction as she sent Valeria a heart back and glanced back at the man in question, “ex boyfriend’s girlfriend actually, she has the dog at the dog park and…” there was an ease in rattling on to the handsome stranger. Something about him set her at peace as well as made her curious about him.

“Ah yes, the most important and needy of children. The four legged ones.” the light laugh he expressed was contagious as she found herself smiling in reaction.

The door besides them opened and she watched and Renee poked her head out, breaking their conversation, “hey Nic? The presentation is about to start. Can you get Mr. Grayson in here?” she painted on a cheery smile and nodded, resenting the fact that Renee always acted like the presenters weren’t her responsibility. It always seemed to be downright rude. But who was she to judge? Renee had been doing this for years.

She gave Renee her word anyway. Before glancing at the man beside her, “sounds like you have your marching orders, Mr. Grayson.”

Another laugh was admonished as he slipped his hand up to his face and rubbed his chin. “Please Nic, it’s Louie. Don’t make this such a form affair. Mr. Grayson is my father and I’d like to think i’m not that cratchety yet.”

She appreciated the informality.

“Warren.” she’d been so good with work things, with responding to Nic and Nicole to everyone who encountered her. But there was something about his calm that made her feel like he wasn’t one that she needed to hold her guard up with. “My friends call me Warren.”

[chaos--crossing]

“I’m proud of you, you know.” he was standing at the back pew when she approached him. Looking stoic and regal, the way that Julian Beaumont always looked. It was the same thing she could remember before they’d even gotten together in any official capacity, the way he always looked unapproachable. It wasn’t some callous type of look, no, it was more a confident and self assured look. One that she’d grown to know as being a facade of protection.

He gave her a light smile. No longer one that was reserved only for her. “I’m proud of me too.” he agreed, the slightest of laughs in agreement. “Can’t say i'm proud of him though. She’s kind of a nightmare.” Aubrey. Beck was marrying some girl none of them approved of. She was snooty and selfrigious and everything that Beck typically made fun of.

But that was the way the penny dropped.

“There’s something he’s not saying.” that much was evident. The glint in his eye when he talked about his wife to be was never about his wife. But they also all knew not to question it. That when the time came, Beck would share all of his secrets. They all always did. Even the hardest kept ones, like the abuse Jules had suffered at his father’s hand for years. “That’s going to be one hell of a mess to clean up ...again.” but he would do it. Because that was what Jules always did. He made sure Beck was alright.

He’d done that since they were kids.

“No date for me to threaten?” his question provoked a smile. A couple of years ago this would have been the awkward sort of question. The one that neither of them appreciated, the one that they waited for to fall. They’d been so wrapped up one another’s pain and in the history they shared that neither one of them had been ready to admit that what they were doing with one another was far from right. “Because you know, I can always do that.” they’d grown past that now.

A light laugh was expressed, “That would be like throwing a guy to the lions den, introducing him to all of you, at once? At a formal event? Perfect way to scare him off.” there hadn’t been anyone. Casual dates here and there, sure. But she’d decided to take a break from that life. To travel and explore, to drop home every once and again to visit Callie and their extended circle of friends.

It had made her appreciate the little things far more.

“Where is that gorgeous girlfriend of yours?” it was the nicest thing to say it and mean it. No jealousy or malice coloring her tone. She’d gotten to know Valeria. In fact, the girl had come to her before anyone else. Claiming that she wanted to get to know Grey’s mom. They’d talked for hours, about life in general, about Warren’s past with Jules, about Jules. They’d formed an actual bond. Valeria even checked in with her without Jules now. Leaving tired, broken english voicemails on her way home from the office. She was like the older sister that Warren herself had never had.

It was also nice having someone else that knew Jules the way she did, who could request a second hand in calling him out on his bullshit. It was even nicer that Valeria didn’t see her as any sort of threat, that instead she took her as a friend and a second opinion.

Not to mention, she was fabulous when it came to Grey.

Having two pups of her own meant that Grey now had playmates at all times. He reveled in the fact that he now had buddies to play with and ran to the pair of them first and foremost whenever she brought him to the house.

“Probably pregaming to get through this thing. I know she was packing a couple things of tequila.” there was a reason she and Warren got along so well.

Not that they were anything like each other. Valeria was dignified and settled with her life. She owned her own home, she had a Masters from UCLA, she was a licensed psychologist with a solid head on her shoulders and a warm and loving family supporting her every move. Warren had spied on those instagram stories, the beauty of their big connected family. It was exactly what Jules had needed to be a part of.

“This mean you’re the next one to set up this very important day?” she was probably the one who’d to nudge him into the whole idea of it, constantly asking when he was going to lock the girl down so that she couldn’t realize he was an idiot and leave him. It was all in good fun of course, Jules would do it in his own time. “You just have to prepare yourself for that big loud wedding.” his shoulder was nudged.

There it was, the light and eerie laugh that escaped. “We’re getting there War, we’re getting there.” that was exactly what she wanted to hear.

They needed this, this whole clam that had settled for the most part in their lives. The way that things could change in a year. They’d come a long way since the shooting, since everything that that time had brought along with it. He’d done well accidentally walking into the wrong therapist’s office that day. She could still remember how smitten he’d been the night he met her, like the stars had suddenly aligned. She’d made him go back every day just to start pointless conversation, eventually to bring her flowers.

The two of them just made sense. It was what Jules deserved. To finally be happy.

“She showed me pictures of you with some guy in italy. Just getting a ...taste for local flavors?” he knew it. She’d taken the time to explore the world and get to know people who weren’t just their little circle. To grow up. To change.

She placed her hand on his shoulder, nodding and suppressing a laugh, “what can i say? When in Rome…”

[chaos--crossing]

Warren knew that there wasn’t anything she could actually say on the matter. The dirty water between Jules and Callie was not for her to meddle in. She’d done a good job of staying out of it and she needed to continue to do so. Even if she knew that a little bit of honesty could have gone a long way on both sides.

But Julian didn’t like to talk about it.

As far as she knew not even Beck or Aiden knew what had gone on when Jules was younger. The only reason she knew was because she’d snuck in his room at the perfectly wrong time to bother him. She almost wondered if it hadn’t been caught if she’d even know what had gone on on those perverse nights. “I’m not getting in the middle of this.” she said finally, holding her hands up in defeat.

Even with Julian she’d held her tongue on days. More often than not lately on top of it. She wasn’t sure if it was easier now or harder. She owed him no explanations of anything and there was a part of it all that broke her heart. But that wasn’t important. She didn’t have a reason to be hurt in any of these situations. She’d been the one to play her cards in the wrong ways. She’d walked away without the mental scarring that either one of the Beaumonts had.

“I won’t even tell you to give your brother a little bit of credit, because I know you won’t listen to me.” there was a passive shrug that dropped from her shoulders as she started to change, not bothering to leave the room. “I swear, that blood of yours is stubborn as can be. I almost hope it never continues.” Julian and Callie were enough trouble as it was. Nothing needed to add to that.

Their mother would have agreed with her. It almost made Warren sick to think about.

“Yeah well last time I checked, your brother has a new play toy and shouldn’t be coming to me either but here we are.” she shrugged off, reaching for an old sweatshirt of his that she pulled on over her head without thinking. She missed the mornings when clothes had been almost interchangeable, at least, she’d been able to steal his right from his ...their closet. More often than not she missed living with him. She’d gotten so used to it.

There’d been a part of her that thought that was the way her life was going to be forever.

“You’re telling me you already ate?” she raised a brow at Callie. She too had been there through all of the early years. She knew the things that Callie did to herself in order to play the perfect cheerleader card. She, like Jules had worried that she was pushing herself way too far over the years and fading out into nothing. “If you promise me that one I’ll let the not eating thing off the hook this morning ...if you will.” because the last thing that Warren felt like listening to was a lecture from Jules on either of their eating habits.

Then again, Warren wasn’t entirely sure she knew where the siblings stood on the speaking to one another front. Try as she might to keep up, it wasn’t always that easy. They always lately seemed to be not speaking about something or other. Warren had just gotten used to it.

A couple of steps back over to her dresser and she pulled on the small emerald ring Julian had given her a year before time had stood still. Something that she’d hidden the origin of back then. It was his big splurge from building and selling his first house. “Besides, I have a date tonight and I might as well get ready for it.” she liked August, there was something about him that intrigued her. Had she been any less attached to Julian she might have been a little more into the whole thing.

This was a stepping stone, her teaching herself that she didn’t have Julian Beaumont in her life the way she always had anymore. She just needed to accept that and get used to it. Old habits died hard.

“Did you know he has three kids?” August she meant, of course. It had been a fact that she’d learned the night before. The man who owned the strip club was also a family man, it was a weird flex but whatever. Who was she to judge?

[chaos--crossing]

“Callie” she starts, knowing full well that it’s a conversation that Cal is going to tap out of the moment it starts. Warren had never exactly been one to take sides and it’s not entirely what she sees her thoughts as. It isn’t taking sides, it’s more so the fact that she knew things that Callie didn’t when it came to Jules and the way that he acted. “Trust me, your brother knows you’re not a virgin.” she rolls her eyes for a moment and places the nearly empty coffee down on the bedside table beside her. The one where Jules inhaler is still out in the open.

There’d been a rush to get back home the night before. Brooke had called to find out where he was and why he wasn’t home with her. He’d thrown out some half bullshit about not being able to sleep and fled almost as fast as he could. That was a typical move for them now though, Jules running.

She was still quiet for a moment. “Your brother is a lot more complicated than he looks.” she didn’t mean in the fact that he’d done pretty well hiding a whole damn relationship from his sister either. That was a null point this far. “One day the two of you are going to actually talk and see how damn like you really are.” she’d seen it for years, even before Callie’s life had begun to spin out of control. It was all there in Eleanor’s observations of her kids, the ones Warren had overheard at night while she’d slipped from one bedroom to the next, hiding under Jules bed and hoping to provide him some comfort on some of the worst nights.

“He’s been through a lot too.” She knew what she’d probably get from that. That he’d never had a gun held to his head, that he didn’t know what trauma was. But he’d never shared the fact that their father snuck into his bedroom to do unspeakable things to him from an age that would have been inconceivable to most. Things that a father never should have done. There was something about the thought of that that made Warren’s skin crawl.

That was a multifaceted hurt. One that brought her back to the very last conversation she’d ever had with Eleanor and the guilt that still went along with that one. The way that she’d believed the woman’’s words and had gone along with it still made her stomach turn over.

But the past was the past and there was nothing that could have been done about it now.

There was a relief in the change of subject. Talk about the bouncer Warren could handle more so than lingering any longer on Jules. Jules would always be a difficult subject on the share fact that he was Callie’s older brother and he needed to protect his sister from any more hurt at all costs. Something that Warren respected and found herself frustrated by on a daily basis.

She didn’t linger on it long enough to drive herself insane. Instead she got up from the bed and walked closer to the closet. “I’m sure his girlfriend also doesn’t know the way that he looks at you. Because let me tell you, what I saw the other night? She would be very uncomfortable by.” it reminded her of the reason that she never lingered very long when Brooklyn was around. Men had a habit of not being very good at hiding their emotions. They wrote it all over the faces and then pretended as if they were the innocent ones. Poker games were not as strong as they might have thought they were.

She herself had warned Jules of that too many times. That he gave things away in his gaze. She could hardly count the amount of times she’d worried that even Callie would have caught on.

“What are we doing this morning? How about breakfast? The club certainly can’t need you this early in the morning.”

[chaos--crossing]

If there was anything that made Warren feel lighter it was hearing Callie joke again. After what had happened with Cam, after the day of abuse that she’d witnessed and endured there’d been a part of War that had wondered if she’d ever see that light side of her best friend again. At the time there’d been a part of her that had wondered if she’d ever see her best friend again in general, but that was neither here nor there. “He’s not all that good looking Callie.” she teased, she knew the way that Callie had always looked at Beck like he was some life adonis.

But for the most part she knew the Beck that played games.

He was more dominant than the Beck she’d seen that day in the office. The one who’d cared more about his best friend’s reputation and mental health than his own medical licence. He’d helped her out in a moment when all help had been lost and she’d been almost positive that there was no way out of her schemes and thieving.

That Beck wasn’t often out on display though and much too often she’d see him be the dick that stole hearts and left them broken on the pavement.

Not that any of that mattered of course. If either one of them considered anything Jules would have died. The sheer thought of his baby sister and his best friend would have brought upon his demise. Warren knew that without even having to bring it up. He’d always tried to protect her, from people like their father ...from people like himself. At least, he deemed himself in that category even if it wasn’t a place that Julian Beaumont even belonged in.

Thankfully a moment later they were off the Beck subject and Warren didn’t need to ask any questions that the curious part of her didn’t want to know the answers to. Instead, the subject was marriage. “You’re not wrong” she agreed, the whole institution of marriage was a sham. Her own parents were shining examples of that as well. Of how stupid the whole idea was. She’d never forgive those people for bringing her into the world and then deciding it was the last thing they wanted to do with their lives.

“You know, I thought of dragging Aid with me to the club just to see August’s reaction.” she had, for a fraction of a second anyway. “And then I remembered that that would cause him to have to tell Jules your ...job.” not that Warren was in any way making complaints about it, she just knew what Jules would say and how much he would have complained about the way his sister had decided to provide for herself and that just wasn’t something that even Warren wanted to deal with. “And we both know how that would go.” the complaints would have been never ending.

Jules would never see Callie as an adult who could make her own decisions.

Never mind the fact that Jules would have traded her in for August. He never would have been able to understand her fascination and his jealousy would have caused a mess to break out. They had enough messes on their hands, the last thing that any of them needed was a case of jealous rage on top of everything else.

“We’re not soulmates” why was that the only thing she’d really gotten out of Callie’s words? The area that she got stuck on. Soulmates didn’t lie to one another and keep secrets. Here she was keeping more secrets from Jules than she could really count, they seemed to get bigger and more curious by the day. One day he was going to find out everything that she hid from him and he was never going to forgive her for most of it. That was the day she dreaded the most.

But for the day? She could ignore all of it, “So who keeps blowing up your phone Calisia?” she teased, playfully reaching over and motioning for it, knowing damn well that Callie would have sooner given herself up than the cell phone, “Is it that hot bouncer from the club? Because the way he was looking at you the other night…”

[chaos--crossing]

“He was in Nico’s doorway last night, War. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.” She’d been on the phone with Jules when the knock on the door had sounded. Callie. “I don’t know Julsey. We’ll figure it out though, okay?” there was silence on the line for a second. The fact that his father knew exactly how to keep him down was unbelievable. Just when he’d escaped, when he’d been making his own name and living. “I gotta go, your sister’s outside the door.” another brief pause. “I love you, okay?” he didn’t respond to her, that much she’d expected.

A second later the phone had been cast down and she’d made room for her best friend to climb in. “I mean, you’ve always been broken.” she teased in a way that only Warren was allowed to. She would have estranged anyone else who tried.

There was a practical whine as Callie handed over the glass of iced coffee, exactly what Warren needed. The night before had been its usual chaos. Julian inviting himself in red faced and gasping for air. The panic attacks that had settled into his daily life were ones that he hid from almost everyone. Tough Julian too afraid to prove that he too was struggling, that the weight of the world was crushing him too.

She’d keep his secrets just as she always did.

Listening to Callie’s recount of her dream she stayed quiet. Quiet just as she was when she noticed Beck’s eyes lingering on Callie. They weren’t questions she wanted to know the truth to, if something had gone on there. She kept enough secrets from Julian, the last thing she needed was to keep more. Warren chose to play oblivious when it was needed, in this case? She was pretty sure it was absolutely needed.

“Let’s be honest Callie, you’ve had a thing for Worthington for as long as I can remember.” she’d listened to all of those nights of Callie’s pouting when Beck and his parade of girls came through the doors. Of course, they were children themselves back then. Ten or so, and yet Callie’s eyes had shown light the night sky every time Beck walked into a room.

A childhood crush.

She was sure that thankfully Julian would never see it. He’d always be oblivious to the crush Callie had on his best friend and perhaps vice versa. “I’m not sure how good your brother would be with walking you down that isle. Not only for beck, but for anyone.” she teased as she took a sip from her glass, the cool liquid powering her sleepy thoughts a little bit more. “If there’s anything your brother hardly believes in, it's marriage.” she’d listened to those rants for years, the ones that Callie probably didn’t even know about.

He’d seen it as a curse. A curse that might have saved his mother if she’d never gotten into it. But love made people stupid. Or what some believed was love.

“I actually had a date with August last night.” it was a dangerous game she was playing, she knew that, and yet for some reason she was tempted by it. Something to blow off steam when Jules found himself stuck with Brooklyn. Not that she really needed to add more stress to the mess that his life was currently. “Ran into Aiden while we were out.” which of course hadn’t been pretty.

Aiden’s eyes had studied August as if he was suspect for some reason.

For once Warren hadn’t been able to tell if he was being protective of Jules or if he’d seen something suspicious there. She’d made a mental note to call him and find out what it was all about later. Maybe even a dinner meet up. It had been awhile since she and Aiden had really spent any quality time together. “There’s no reason that Aid should be suspicious of August ...right?” Callie wouldn’t have introduced them if there was something up there. “I’m being stupid, don’t mind me.” she shook her thoughts clear and sipped another mouth full of iced coffee.

[chaos--crossing]

She’d been dreaming. Right in the middle of darkness and dreams when the pounding at the door had begun. It was never subtle. Over and over fists had beat at the door until she’d had no choice but to drag herself up. It had to have been old man porter from down the hall again. Was there a problem in the fact that it had never made her nervous? “Mr. Porter, your apartment is down stairs.” voice etched with sleep, movements still difficult to force. All she’d wanted was to continue sleeping and ignoring the world. Those were the best times of Warren’s life right now, the time when she didn’t have to be awake and remember the hell around her. Why was it too much to ask to just stay there? --oh right, because this was Warren’s life. The banging had stopped as she’d grabbed for the door handle. One pull and the man in front of her was on her, his trembling making her stomach sink for a moment. She’d never seen him shake like this, and they’d been to many hells and back. “Jules” they hadn’t spoken in a month. Not a single word, not even when they dropped off Grey. His breathing was erratic. She could feel it as he held onto her, searching for a way to get enough air into his lungs. A panic attack. “Hey, baby, i’m right here. You’re okay.” a flip had switched, for a moment there was no anger or hostility. It was just her and Jules, just as it had always been. Holding the burdens of the world for one another when it felt like everything was falling apart. “You’re okay” she kicked the door shut behind her as he held on tightly. “Come on Jules, my bedroom.” his weight was heavy on her shoulders as she led the way, not because he didn’t know where it was. But because she could feel the disorent in his staggered movements, the way he was in a haze. Part of Warren didn’t even want to question how he’d gotten there, didn’t want to know if he’d driven. THe thought of him being in an accident would have set her off too and that was the last thing they needed. The mess of her room wasn’t one she’d taken any notice of until Jules was there too. The half empty cups and water bottles, shards of glass from broken photos, clothes thrown in hazardous hazes. Everything in the past month had been a haze of chaos and broken emotions. They’d all lost themselves. Finally he was sitting, the edge of her bed, head drooped into his hands, jumping as she took a step away from him. “Baby, i’m right here” her voice was soft as she grabbed the handle of the dresser on her nightstand, tossing more haphazardly around her bedroom. She’d deal with all of that when she could think straight enough to care. It wasn’t until the canister was in her hand that she finally felt herself relax to a fraction of a percent. She shook the inhaler as she made her way back over to him, kneeling down on the blue carpet as she placed her hand on the side of his face. ”J, i need you to look at me, okay?” He’d had nights like this. She’d learned them well. Memories of Cove had done it at first. Their child had been the second. And now… wherever this was coming from. What moment in the past month and a half had done this to him now. “Breathe, okay?” he’d accepted the inhaler, taking two puffs from it, as she settled herself with her chin on his knees, hazel eyes looking up through now wide awake lashes at the man who was still grasping for breaths. “You’re okay Julian. I promise.” the was the worst she’d ever seen him shake, as he placed the inhaler down on the bed beside him she half wondered if she’d be making a 911 call and figuring out a way to get Callie to talk to her long enough for a rambling explanation. His head dropped lower, forehead resting against her own with eyes closed. She’d forgotten how good it felt to just sit in silence with him in the middle of the night. God knew they’d had enough of those nights. Finally, as the silence broke she understood. “It was you. War. All… all i could… if i’d…” he should have known better than to try and talk, but Jules never was one for patience. They both knew that one. “If i’d gotten to that school and it’d been you…” his words made a rock rise in her throat. Because she’d scared him like that. Because the man had lost his mother, his sister had lost all control ...and yet his mind was still reeling. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t worried about Cal. Callie’s always been intuitive. I knew she was okay. She’d… she’s always hidden from dad.” Warren knew that, she knew about the marks and scars Callie had from the man who played up father of the year. She’d snuck out in the middle of sleepovers to catch him red handed icing his fist. “I knew I didn’t have to worry about her.” not that he didn’t have to, she knew that he was still worried, but it had been a different worry. A sibling bonded trust that she herself felt with Callie. As he regained control she felt his hand on her arm, pulling her up from the ground. “You don’t get it War… i wanted it to be mom.” she settled herself on his lap as he talked, pulling his head to her chest. “After everything she’d just stood by and watched. From Junior to Cal… the way she’d let us all get hurt and played it off like it was fine.” she could feel his tears, turning the tee shirt of his she had on darker. “I could handle losing her. For the way she always stood by when they were hurt. I was okay with that, before I ever got to the school.” Warren’s hand ran over the back of his neck, careful kisses placed to the top of his head, “Out of the three of you ...I needed it to be her Warren. I needed it to.” Her own eyes filled as he sobbed. It wasn’t that the words coming from his mouth were a surprise or that she didn’t understand where he was coming from. It was that she did, and that was what cut the deepest. She got why out of the three lives that had been in danger inside of the school when it came down to it there was only one of them that Julian Beaumont could have picked himself up from losing. “The entire way to the school I hoped it was her War.” his fingers were digging into her waist. His tone was hesitant, “does… does that make me like him? Does hoping it was her make me my dad? To actually… wish… that… on someone?”

[chaos--crossing]

“Go fuck yourself Warren.” he’s already out of bed and pulling on his boxers as he mouths off. She’s still catching her breath and wiping a sheen of sweat that had claimed temporary residence on her forehead as she smirks to herself. “Believe you just did that, pal.” she treads thin ice with him rather often now. It all depends on the day and how much they’ve pissed one another off. Usually there’s silence. Clothes are pulled off, kisses are biting and angry… but there’s silence that takes over through all of it until he lifts a pointed finger on his way out of the room. This time, he’s chosen to vocalize his anger and she’s almost happy about it. It’s been so long since she’s really heard his voice and even a crass remark is one that she’ll take without complaint. “Going to change your sheets before your girlfriend gets ...home?” she’s not stupid, she noticed the boxes by the door. She knows that Brook’s living there now. He doesn’t even look back at her as he pulls on his jeans and fishes around for a tee shirt. “Why do you care?” clearly she doesn’t… and neither does he, not judging by the way he wipes his mouth on his sleeve. It elicits a smirk from her, she knows where his mouth’s been exactly. Brook on the other hand… “get out of my house.” he passively walks to the door and opens it, gesturing to it with his free hand. Getting out of the bed she takes her time, reaching for the lace. There’s something wrong with this, they both know it. Yet, it doesn’t mean that either one of them are willing to quit it. She’d never seen him as the type to cheat before. He’d always been so devoted and soft. She’s the one that’s done this to him, made him harder and more difficult. This is her fault. It’s something she’ll agonize over later on when she’s home alone in her own bed. It’s been a year that they’ve been playing this game, nearly a year and a half since their lives utterly blew up. A part of her can’t remember what it was like before this anymore. What happy had been. How the doting big brother from a two parent family had come home to her and cuddled with their dog on the couch. The way he’d smiled every time he saw her unlike the grimace she got now as though she was nothing but a wine smear on a white carpet. Had he known the truth it only would have been worse. These are the facts that she knows, even with him being in the dark she knows it. “Right, well, if you could not take him to the dog park near Montag i’d appreciate it. There’s some woman who’s always there with her ankle bitter and I don’t trust it not to bite him.” Grey was their child in this arrangement, the one thing that kept the two of them from cutting off all contact. At least, that was the way that Warren saw it. Speaking of the devil, she was buttoning her jeans when the soft brown nose made his way down the hall and peered into the room with his big sad eyes. It cut her to the core to leave him every other week with Jules. Made the house that much more empty. Getting down on her knees she called him to her, his soft whine in protest as if a child saying no mom, stop. Yet he walked over anyway, leaning his wet nose against the side of her face. If anyone tried to say that dogs weren’t the most intuitive creatures she would have argued otherwise. It wasn’t as if this hadn’t been an every other week deal from the both of them. They both knew the drill by now, “I know” she cooed, scratching the spot behind the ears that she knew he loved, “you think i’m abandoning you, don’t you baby.” he talked back to her and the sound of his vocalizations would never get old. Even when he was a puppy and they crated him to sleep he’d whine the way he did now. “But hey, Brookie will be home soon to give you lots of pets. And Evie. you have to give Evie big kisses.” as if on cue she felt his wet tongue against her cheek. Evie. Brook’s five year old daughter. It had taken some time to swallow down the fact that Brook had a kid and Jules was starting his own little family with the two of them. Him with a kid wasn’t something she ever expected to be on the outside of. But here they were. “Come on Grey, go get your leash so we can walk her out.” the voice in back of them broke the moment as Jules called an end to their goodbyes. He had every right to, and Warren knew she was stalling without reason. It was a habit they both pulled without owning up to. But right on command Grey listened to him, racing out of the room to find the grey leash he toted around whenever he wanted a walk and thought no one was paying him enough attention. It left her once again alone with Jules. There was something on his mind. If there was anything that Warren knew how to recognize it was when Jules was holding his tongue, “Spit it.” she spoke as she started to walk past him out of the bedroom. He hesitated for a moment, she could see that too in the blue of his eye. “This could have all been different you know.” great, maybe she didn’t want him to open his mouth. “I’m just saying. If you had just owned up to it, told me you were cheating on me… maybe things could have been different.” Except, that was the thing ...she hadn’t cheated on him. What she’d done had been far worse. She would have gladly cheated on him as an alternative. “You’re right” the worse were simple, she’d lied them so many times that maybe there was even a part of herself that was beginning to believe the facade she’d thrown out to him in a panic the evening of the shooting, after he’d already been reflective on the death of his mother. The resounding silence that filled the dead air between them made it harder for her to breathe as she walked towards the door, leaving Jules alone to clip Grey’s leash and follow her out. She should have been used to this, their same old fight. Because none of this was ever going to be solved. She sure as hell wasn’t about to tell him what she’d done that day. She’d rather of watched him with Brook and Evie then watch that level of hatred and betrayal fill his eyes. It was really just that simple.

[chaos--crossing]

“I’m supposed to be with your sister you know.” Jules smiled at her words, as though their secret wouldn’t get her shunned till the end of time when Callie found out what was going on between them, what had been going on between them for far too long now. Yet as he leaned over and pressed a kiss against her cheek she forgot everything she’d been complaining about a moment ago. Julian had a habit of doing that to her, of making her forget what she was doing and everything else associated with it. A sigh fell from her lips, “you’re going to be the death of me.” he laughed softly in response and she knew that he would never make a single apology for anything. Typical. A second later he was out of the car and walking around her direction. It took her only a moment to remember that if she didn’t get to it first he’d open the car door and escort her… and Warren had always hated that. “Where are we?” she questioned, pulling herself from the passenger seat of the SUV with a thud. “Do you trust me?” like he even had to ask. Instead of responding she rolled her eyes and slipped into his open arm, head on his shoulder for a moment as he placed his hand on her back and guided her forward in the direction of the large house in front of them. They’d driven for an hour, out of the city and into the burbs, where the houses towered in size, nothing like the cabin he’d built on the outskirts or the blueprints he’d drafted for the new skyscraper in the city (though those had never been his favorites to do). These homes were regal, eloquent, where those with the money they didn’t know what to do with lived. “I have a surprise for you.” Warren hated surprises, he knew that. Yet they stood outside of the red door and he lifted a fist to knock at it. Her hazel eyes stayed on him, still questioning. An older woman with dark blonde hair, a toddler on her hip, and another one peering out from around the corner greeted them with a chaotic smile, as if she hadn’t seen the ability to relax in days, “You must be Julian.” she welcomed and ushered them in, “can i get you guys drinks? They’re in the back room. Please excuse the mess. Four under five doesn’t leave me much time to clean ...plus those monsters in the back room…”> was she supposed to have any idea what was going on? She wasn’t even sure Julian was listening at this point. A little boy in a princess dress had taken over his attention, he had to have been the middle of the brood, he was busy showing Jules a toy car with bright green excited eyes as if he didn’t get many new visitors. “Harrison, are you making a new friend?” the woman asked her son as the toddler in her arms started to wrestle into escaping towards Jules too. He was so good with them, with kids and people alike, she’d never understood it. How everyone always seemed to want to attach to him. Who was she kidding? She more than understood it. “Watch out, I can give you one of these to take along with you too. Goodness knows I’ve got enough of them.” the toddler girl who’d previously been in her arms was now crawling her way to Jules, arms outstretched for his attention. “Where are my manners? I’m Josie.” she introduced, hand outstretched. Warren didn’t question it, instead, she reached out her own, “Warren. I’m his…” she looked towards Jules for a second before smiling, “Oh I know sweetheart. He gave me a whole biography. That’s a requirement of mine when you’re taking a rascal home.” Warren looked between them confused. “Oh, this is a surprise, isn’t it?” Josie questioned as Jules nodded, both kids now babbling onto him different stories. “Hazel, Harrison… can you two show him where the doggies are?” suddenly, both little sets of eyes lit up as they both pointed in the direction of a back room. She followed along beside the small crowd that was making their way toward the back room when she started to hear it, tiny whimpers and barks from numerous little voices, “guess he didn’t tell you, my aussie got out a few months ago and decided to tangle up with a husky. I didn’t know what else to do with these monsters. My husband and I were looking for consultation on a new beach house when we mentioned they were coming and boy… your boyfriend here looked like a kid in a candy store. Please, feel free… whichever one you want.” Warren’s eyes lit up instantly as the fenced-in puppies came into view. “The only one you probably don’t want is the one still in the doghouse back there. We’re not sure what’s going on with him… or if he’ll… you know…” as the woman spoke, fluffy brown ears popped up, blue eyes shown out from inside of the dog house as wobbly legs began to fumble to stand, “he’s kind of a grey area for living and d-y-i-n-g” right now.” it was then that Warren finally glanced at Jules who had taken his eyes off of the kids for a moment. He, as he always did, knew exactly what she was going to say without the words having to ever be spoken. “You would” he smirked, voice under his breath as the other puppies scampered around for attention and Warren b-lined it straight back for the clumsy one. “Come on Grey.” lifting up the runt she kissed the top of his head for a moment, name feeling natural and ...right as she nuzzled him closer to her. “Let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on with you, okay?” and just like that, it was sealed.