I called my mom today... you guys dont know but let me give you a brief background. My mom raised me. My family isnt close. I was raised as an only child pretty much even though i have other siblings. I am the only one that is biracial so my brothers and sisters were astray living elsewhere my whole life. I was spoiled (obviously) by my mom and her boyfriend (who ended up sticking around from the time i was 8 until I turned 23...Long time. But in the midst of always going to the beach or getting what I wanted, I watch so many men come in and out of my moms room...so much going on. Some of the assholes would come and lay on the couch with me at night and touch me while I acted like I was asleep because well....I was only 10. What id give to see these men again today. I held it all in. Its old scars now, but theyre still there. I grew up, I moved out of my moms house and moved in with my then boyfriend. Still talked to her everyday and she was doing fine. It just seems like all of a sudden one day, every pill she had taken, every sip of alcohol she had drank (alcoholic and also addicted to pain meds) caught up with her. Literally felt like it happened over night. Started noticing she couldnt do simple things like tie her shoe, go to the restroom or take a shower. I withdrew because I didnt want to see the person that was always so strong and independent...need so much help. I completely withdrew eventually, after she had to move in with her mom because she lost her apartment. We later found out that she had dementia (she was only 54) and so did my gramma. They got worse together. The burden was on me because no one else in the family wanted to do anything about it or acknowledge that there was a big problem here. They fought everyday...I was always in the middle of it because I only lived about a mile away so I was constantly there breaking things up. Eventually it took a turn for the worse and my gramma had to go live in New Orleans with my aunt and my mom went to a nursing home. Meanwhile....I have no one to vent to and im holding all of this in and slowly but surely it was damaging me and fucking up every relationship I had with everyone. My kids and my then husband...I didnt want to be close to anyone. I needed an escape and I turned to alcohol for a while. Got divorced from my husband (still remain friends) moved out and moved on my own. All this is about 1 year after my mom got put in the nursing home. I completely shut down. Didnt call her, didnt go see her. In my head she was fine, they were taking care of her and I didnt go too deep into my thoughts because surface deep...shes fine (in my head). Pretty fucked up huh. I knew she was going downhill fast. I blocked it all out. Have not talked to or seen my mom in 2 years. She doesnt know who I am anymore. That hurts. I dont do well with hurt. I dont know how to place hurt into my life and cope with it. But today something just told me to call and talk to her. I called....she couldnt come to the phone. But when they told her it was her daughter she said... i dont have any kids. I could hear her in the background. Dementia is a hell of a disease. Terrifies me. But I am glad that I decided to call. Maybe im getting better. Im closing wounds. I know she doesnt have much longer. I need to see her. Im all alone in this cruel, huge world out here though. No family and a couple friends (one of which has been my friend for 25 years and knows my mom well) but I do have an awesome boyfriend that I even push away sometimes. I dont think he understands why. He knows about my mom but not to the full extent. Im not the opening up type. Do i hold resentment towards her and the rest of my family? YES! Im working on it though....bottom line is...I called my mom today.
