Remember To Breathe

"I know myself," he cried, "but that is all." This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

[charlie-aulette]

A Letter Long Overdue;

Dear Cameron,

I've tried writing this letter a million times, most of them after you initially left but those were mostly full of anger. It's been so long since then and we've been divorced for quite a long time. It's still so weird to say I've been divorced, people always tell me that I'm too young to have even been married in the first place. Is it just me or did we always feel too old? I still feel too old. But this letter isn't about our divorce or even our marriage. It's about us. And what we were before that. You were my best friend. The one person who understood me the most. I still have the story you wrote me when I was in the hospital. It's one of my favorites. I read it again recently and thought..maybe she had the ending right all along. 

I think that since our separation I have spent so much time hating you and Freddie and everyone that came between us that I kind of forgot the good parts. While I still don't agree with some of your reasons for leaving, I can understand them. I know I wasn't the easiest man to love. And I am sorry that I made you feel trapped. But I will never regret loving you, having a child with you..a family, even if it was only for a little while. Daisy is truly the light of my life and I don't think i could imagine my life without her. Nor could I imagine it without you. I do miss you, you know? I miss your friendship...your company. I think I've finally moved past the point of paining myself with the idea that I'll never get you back. It doesn't do anyone any good. 

I guess I was so set on our ending, on us being together forever that when it didn't happen I just felt as if I was being punished for something I couldn't help. You seemed so angry..exhausted and I couldn't handle that I had done that to you. I' sorry for that. and I don't hate you for leaving anymore. I guess I've come to understand it. And I've moved on. 

I met someone. It's not every serious yet but it's sitll really nice. She makes me happy and I think right that's all I can really ask for. She's wonderful, really. 

This letter was meant to be a lot longer but I feel as if I've written enough words to you for a lifetime. So...would you have lunch with me some time? I would ask you to coffee but I imagine you drink more tea these days. I promise there will be no name calling or passive aggressive remarks. Maybe some Sarcasm but who can help that when it come to us? So what do you say? Lunch soon?

I really hope to hear from you soon. 

Wishing you the best,

Charlie

p.s. we should talk about Daisy's boyfriend. I don't like him one bit. 

[dreaming-chemical-madness-blog]

My biggest fear in writing about New York is that I don’t believe it can really be put into words.

Dito Montiel - A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (via dreaming-chemical-madness)

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[redgreenamber-deactivated201812]

[alexbrecks]

Adam Brody & Penny Lane

[adamjaredbrody]

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Dashboard Confessional - Remember to Breathe

"She knows just what she’ll wear. She always wears blue.”

[charlie-aulette]

OOC:

I sort of put it in my tags of my last post but I just wanted to say how awesome it has been roleplaying with all of you. I'm enjoying working on our new era rp with lynn and shani but in the meantime I'm gonna try to avoid posting on my annies characters both because I need to time to write out their future stories and because a lot of it is bittersweet and I have to get to a point where I don't let rp stuff affect my actual emotions. Sometimes it really hurts to sign on and it's just not good. A lot of this future stuff is just very sad for me. Not only for Charlie's sake but also like Matt would probably be dead. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. 

But if I don't talk to any of you for a while, I want you to know that I love you. And you're amazing human beings and I hope I get to roleplay with you all in the future. 

Best of luck!

-Ari 

[charlie-aulette]

I still remember the day she called me from the hospital. The way she clung to me as I lay beside her. She kept whispering to me how I had never left her, that even after all of this time I was still there and I told her I always would be. I could never see myself living in a world where I left her. The whole idea was like a sick taste in my mouth and it took a hold of my heart and twisted it without mercy. I could never leave her. She was the love of my life. She still is. 

Some people say I'm bitter. They say I just need to get over it. I still wonder how she was able to move on. How she was able to skip away in the night like a thief. And I still don't know what I did wrong. I still don't know if I held on too tightly or not enough or if I could have in any way made her stay. Maybe I should have boarded that plane and gone after her. But I never knew. I never even saw it coming. How could she leave me? How could she leave me?

Every time I talk about her or think about her, I feel like I can't breathe, or eat, or sleep and it's become my permanent state of being. It's pathetic. And I've been working on finding a way to get over it. But every time I turn over in bed, or turn on the radio, or look at my children...I'm reminded that I lost her. That she left me. 

And that is what keeps playing over and over in my head. How could she leave me when she made me promise to never leave her? 

[charlie-aulette]

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  Well, not everything.. We still have our uhm messy secret. I still have to this day never told any one that it was you who helped me, uhm get rid of my uncles body..Nix only asked once about it, but I never gave him details.. I like to leave it where it belongs, buried. It wasn’t easy you know..falling on and off for years. I’d be clean while I was pregnant, than Gabriel turned six and stopped looking only like me and more like whoever his father his, and I start using..Nix has been good though, about helping me,. I’ve got far more than I’ve ever deserved.. I wouldn’t say you ‘drove’ me away, but it was never my intentions to not- well you know..any way, you’re right. It’s the past, it hardly matters these days..does it? Your sisters are like a bunch of mother bears really…Whats the point of doing anything half assed, you couldn’t have known she’d do what she did..I’m not pleased with it, but I’m  being nice as I can, out of respect for you and the girl she was many, many years ago..Any way, you’re not dead yet Charlie..your whole life is hardly over yet. I think you should put your the rest of your life into yourself, and Daisy and Chris of course. There is still time for that, to put all of you into being happy. Laura isn’t the best at words..she means well.

I’m still always right, Charlie. Just don’t tell my daughter that..she’s in the moms always wrong stage..she’s even started calling me Victoria..But that’s a small problem on the grand scheme of, well- everything. I’ve missed you..I’ve almost forgotten how easy you’re to talk to.

[charlie-aulette]

I don't think I've ever told anyone..well..I may have told Cameron but it seems..so long ago. But even know, I'd do it for you again and again, you know? I still can't believe it actually happened. But it did. And it's way, way in the past. He sounds like a really wonderful man. I mean that. Your eyes light up when you talk about him. It's really great. It was my fault, Vic..i wasn't thinking and I thought I'd be saving you by not being with you and it was just..it was stupid. But yeah, in the past. Its all in the past. Well I appreciate the respect, I mean I've tried being as nice as I can but every time I see her I still get unbelievably angry. She's just so happy...and I should be happy for her but how...how could she not be that happy for me? You heard all the words she told me. You heard them. I just..it's never stopped hurting. I just don't know where to start. I men I'm there for my kids constantly, even though it gets hard with Daisy at times because you know I have to watch her leave me for London and Cam and Freddie. 

I've missed you too. It's been longer than it should have been. I need more friends like you. Considering I don't really have any friends anymore. Turns out most of my friends were Cam's friends and now they've either taken her side or become too awkward any time they see me. I can't even remember the last time someone asked me out for a drink..or invited my family over their house. How pathetic is that, huh? I turn 42 in a few months and I have no friends. It's like being sixteen again. 

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  He knows all about you, and Cameron, and well everything here. It’s nice to feel like this..ten years clean, a mother..a wife… I can’t even fathom that right now. After- well everything. I’d say you have horrible taste in women, but than I’d be belittling myself.. Standing still makes me antsy, especially in this city. Oh Vermont..How are your sisters? Well, there has always been more to you than Cameron Waters, Charlie. You’re not her mistake..I don’t know if any one has told you that since..but you’re not. 

It has always been that easy. Or did you not listen when I told you this, what? Almost twenty years ago? Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. 

[charlie-aulette]

He does? That's..that's good. Ten years clean? Victoria thats, really amazing. I'm extremely proud of you. I hope you know that. I think I have great taste in women, I just don't know how to keep any of them, apparently...although with you it was my own stupidity that drove you away. But..no reason to get into that now, is there? My sisters are wonderful. Laura is still touring, Lucy had another baby with Caroline and Nick and Nora have three boys! It's crazy. So many kids around these days. Is there? I mean..there used to be and then I was stupid enough to put my whole life in her. No one has told me much of anything, really, well Laura told me to 'carry the fuck on' but you know...

Yeah. I should have known to always listen to you. You were always right. 

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  I think I’ll avoid it a while longer..Charlotte, you’d like her..Oh Nix..I met him a little while after I moved away.. I thought he was a creep who got off on pregnant women..took me five years to even say yes to being his girlfriend. He is- he’s a good man. I am, I never thought I’d get married..but things don’t turn out how we plan..No? You’re fucking kidding right? Shut up..Come on. Let’s move..I don’t think I can stand here..and you need to move..For the record you should not have stayed there..she’s the one who clearly needs a labatomy. 

Remember when we first met? Fuck the rest, Charlie..you matter.

[charlie-aulette]

I'd love to meet her. Him too. It's nice to see you happy. I mean it. I wish I were kidding. She's married to Freddie now. They even have a child. I had a son..with this woman who I..she left me too. I..alright, we'll move. Well I was in Vermont. We moved there after Daisy was born and when she left I moved back here.

I wish it were that easy, Vic. 

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  I don’t think it was time, Charlie. He is..he’s looking for his birth dad..I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t even know who he is. Charlotte? She goes by Lottie, she’s better than I ever could of been. Smarter, beautiful, she wants to save the world. All about green peace..she threw out my leather shoes when she was eleven..and has been making me pull my hair out since she was born. I love her. I do actually..how is Cameron? Oh come on, it was no secret my feelings and animosity towards everything..I figured you never wanted to see me. 

[charlie-aulette]

Shit..that's a tough talk to have. I wish you luck. Charlotte. That's a beautiful name. And your..husband? You're married now, right? O-oh Cam..I...She...She left me. A few years back. Actually..not so long after Daisy was born. I'm already a divorced man. Should have stayed in that institution when I had the chance, huh?

[charlie-aulette]

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  So years..why did we let that happen? He’s inquisitive, smart..questions everything I do..nothing like his sister. Daisy, uhm how is she? I can’t lie, I haven’t seen recent photos. I’ve actually..I’m a little surprised to see you. Happy, but I thought I’d never see you again. 

[charlie-aulette]

I guess time just got the best of us. He sounds wonderful. What's his sister like? Daisy is amazing. Smart, beautiful, talented. Wants to be a write. Or well a film maker, really. I have a few if you want to see them. You are? Uh..why's that?

[victoria-shields]

Never thought I'd end up back in this city again-

[victoria-shields]

  It’s the best thing. You know things change, so fast sometimes. We both know that and it’s nice that you’re still just you..How long has it been- since we’ve spoken Charlie?

Please, I look like an old mother. 

[charlie-aulette]

It's been far too long. We haven't talked since right after Daisy was born. How is your son by the way? I've seen pictures. 

Not in the least.