Charlie Brooker's Similes

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I say “you”, because you love Nigel. You love him and you love him and you like him and you love him, and you follow him on Twitter and you gushingly retweet everything he says, stroking the letters and grinning like each one’s a kitten made of puppies.

Charlie Brooker on Nigel Farage, The Guardian

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Partly because he looks like a teddy bear with Bell's palsy concentrating hard on accurately shitting in an egg cup, but mainly because he also exudes likability like a stone oozes blood. He's a proper dick and balls.

Charlie Brooker on Piers Morgan, The Guardian

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Not everything needs a 15-megapixel lens stuck on the back, like a little glass anus.

Charlie Brooker on techno-whingers, The Guardian

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Just as Clarkson emits orgasmic whimpers when his driver's seat judders on acceleration, so Richman groans like a man having his perineum tongued by three cheerleaders as he ingests each warm mouthful of stodge.

Charlie Brooker on Man v. Food, The Guardian

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It's like a small piece of fried potato failing to recall a repressed abuse memory while sitting on your tongue.

Charlie Brooker on crisps, The Guardian

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Last year's "Do us a Flavour" campaign, in which the company launched six temporary new varieties, was eventually won by the hideous "Builder's Breakfast", which tasted like a fried egg in an envelope.

Charlie Brooker on crisps, The Guardian

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He often wore a face like the Fat Controller trying to wee through a Hula Hoop without splashing the sides, in fact.

Charlie Brooker on David Cameron, The Guardian

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As the scale of your cock-up sinks in, you feel a cold egg of dread being cracked open over your skull, its chilled albumen seeping down your temples, the icy yolk quivering atop your crown like the frozen cherry on a tortured metaphor

Charlie Brooker on workplace cock-ups, The Guardian

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I'd like to say that I wasn't nasty about women – but I'd be lying. I wrote that Ann Widdecombe had "a face like a haunted cave in Poland", and that Cilla Black was "starting to resemble the result of an unholy union between Ronald McDonald and a blow-dried guinea pig".

Charlie Brooker on himself, The Guardian

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The singing was bad enough - she sounded like an angry wasp trapped in a shoebox, butchering melodies with the ghoulish efficiency of Jeffrey Dahmer – but even though she no longer bursts into song, her incessant piercing squawk is still enough to make me want to slice my ears off and hurl them into another dimension.

Charlie Brooker on Cilla Black, The Guardian

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Gloomy predictions abound, but almost everyone agrees the results will be as palatable as a wax-and-cat-hair sandwich.

Charlie Brooker on government cuts, The Guardian

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At times Clegg sounds like a once-respected stage actor who's taken the Hollywood dollar and now finds himself sitting at a press junket, patiently telling a reporter that while, yes, on the face of it, his role as the Fartmonster in Guff Ditch III: Fartmonster's Revenge may look like a cultural step down from his previous work with the Royal Shakespeare Company, if you look beyond all the scenes of topless women being dissolved by clouds of acrid methane, the Guff Ditch trilogy actually contains more intellectual sustenance than King Lear, and that all the critics who've seen the film and are loudly claiming otherwise are misguided, partisan naysayers hell- bent on cynically misleading the public – which is ethically wrong.

Charlie Brooker on Nick Clegg, The Guardian

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Basically a melted Jerry Seinfeld waxwork with all the instant likability of an anal haematoma.

Charlie Brooker on Rick Santorum, 10 O'clock Live

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Don't know about you, but I was so overcome I had to spend 48 hours standing at my window, beaming at passers-by, waving a union flag and cooing with delight, like a pigeon opening a well-chosen Christmas present.

Charlie Brooker on Prince William's engagement, The Guardian

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Unfortunately, Ed looks incredibly silly in a helmet and flak jacket. Like a toucan in a fez, it just doesn't go. Rather than making Ed look like a thrusting leader, the end result was several minutes of footage which, with the sound off, looked like a report about a small boy who'd won a competition to go and see a war.

Charlie Brooker on Ed Miliband visiting Afghanistan, The Guardian

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Apparently it was raining like a tantrum in a piss factory.

Charlie Brooker on the weather, The Guardian

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Twenty minutes later my palms felt like they were made of static electricity and I couldn't tell whether my legs were my own or someone else's I was standing inside by mistake.

Charlie Brooker on drugs, The Guardian