chasing euphoria

this is my only safe place trying to be smaller 26 london helpless

[chasingeuphoria]

all my life, the only thing i have thought about consistently

the only thing that has ever consumed me, is being skinny

so skinny that people notice, so skinny that people are worried

i want to be small.

i will be small.

[chasingeuphoria]

since i saw this, there isn't day i haven't thought about it

[notsofoodie]

those pics are 24/7 in my head and I want to have the exact same body

[sweet-15]

imma leave these right here 🖤

[depressionessoverload]

[thebeautiful-journey]

[shrinkingsnowdrop]

i will never unsee this

this thinspo has been stuck in my brain for a long time, and like a moth to a neon flame i return to it oh so often, it is my north star, i point towards it for guidance in hopes i can attain a fraction of it.

[chasingeuphoria]

skinny is prettier

[sweet-15]

🕯️🩰🩻

skinny is prettier

[imfartooobsessedwithkpop]

"I just forget to eat.. Like it gets to 10pm and I'm like shit I forgot to eat haha" "like I always forget to eat, it's an issue"

Shit up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

[she-whodreams]

Im back fellas

[sugarfreeangel]

you know what

YOU GONNA LOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT

[chasingeuphoria]

me again, don't think that i will ever win this

[chasingeuphoria]

as long as i can remember

I have been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. When I look back over the years, there hasn’t ever been a period of time where I haven’t been “watching what I eat” or “trying to be good” or “eating clean”

When I was 19 years old I got to the point that I was so afraid of putting on weight that I stopped taking my anti depressants because I thought there were calories in them.

When I was 19 years old I starved myself, eating only an apple when I felt like I might faint.

When I was 19 years old I lost my period for 8 months, my doctor warned me that I couldn’t go on much longer the way I was.

For as long as I can remember I have hated the way that I look. I look in the mirror and I see a face and a body that doesn’t feel like me. It’s a distorted version of the person I am. I hate the way my skin folds and creases. I hate the way that I can squeeze it under my fingers. I hate the way that my thighs touch and rub. I hate the way that my tummy bunches up when I sit down. I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach.

Once you start restricting food to an extreme extent. It becomes nearly impossible to stop. You crave the feeling of hunger. You crave the feeling of emptiness inside. No-one talks about the euphoria you get from it. It’s like a drug. The distraction of hunger, takes away the focus of pain that you feel elsewhere in your life. It’s your way of coping, your way of forgetting the thing that really hurts, but once you’ve started it takes on a life of its own. 

Not only do you lose weight, but you lose friends. You start to lose your whole life. You shrink into yourself, becoming afraid to say yes to social occasions. The fear of having to eat or drink in front of others. The fear of the questions as to why you aren’t. So in fear, you just stop attending. You lose yourself.

You look in the mirror and you don’t recognise what stares back at you. You have these out of body experiences where you’re looking down on yourself and you hate everything you see. You want to scream at this ghost version of yourself who’s just going through the motions, but you can’t break free. You’re held prisoner in this body that’s no longer yours.

[chasingeuphoria]

.... i’m back

[siickangel]

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]