new beginnings

let all that you do be done in love. Fiona Elisse. 21. CPA by 2021.

[studioghiblisworld]

[chasingfelisse]

First photo: This was me after my first ever ICPA. 

I started my super senior year with a goal in mind: I would crush it. Little did I know, it would crush me more than I crushed it. I place 5th in this exam, but I remember this was one of the few ICPAs I passed and topped in my whole 5th year. After this sem of mediocrity and barely passing, I promised myself I had to do more. Latin honors was honestly out the window; I just wanted to graduate. Maybe I had to study more, answer problems more, stress out more, and generally sleep less. So that’s what I did. I had 5 integ subjects in my second semester and around 2 ICPAs per day every 2 weeks and I barely slept during those days. I told myself, if I wanted to pass then I had to study more and sleep less. That was dumb. I still wasn’t passing. I felt like nothing I did mattered at all because the results were the same, I flunked my ICPAs. My wake up call was midterms. RFBT and Tax - my weakest subjects, were scheduled on the same day. Obviously, I barely slept trying to finish the coverage. Spoiler alert: I failed my midterm on both subjects. MAS and Auditing - my favorites, were scheduled the day after my RFBT and Tax exam. I fell asleep the night before the exam. I had 6 hours of sleep that night and only 5 hours of studying for the 2 subjects the day before. I passed both, not barely, but I got pretty high marks. At this point, I was confused and nervous. Whatever methods I thought worked were garbage now because apparently, they aren’t for me. I started the second half of the semester with the rule that no matter what, I had to sleep. HAHAHAHA. 

Second photo: day before integ finals 

 At this point, I needed to give my all. Five grueling years of college boiled down to this set of exams I was about to take the following day. Being nervous was an understatement. I felt my heart beating out of my chest as my exams drew nearer. It was so tempting to study all night and not sleep, but I remembered my past self doing that and regretting it. I had to maximize thestudy time I gave myself and studied smart. When I told myself it was time to sleep, I slept - 5 hours per day during the duration of my integ finals (which were 3 days). Against all the rules of the study universe, I passed all my finals and managed to graduate with honors. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder why I was worried at all. I got by with sleep, faith and luck. Right now, I am just fulfilled. I entered my last year of college with so much doubt and I finished it as a whole new person. 

The future holds a lot of uncertainties. With the virus nearing its peak and extension of lockdowns, I could only hope that review will start on time and I’d take the boards on October. I honestly want to take the boards on time, because my anxious ass could not take it any longer. We’ll get there. For now, we’ll spend our quarantines worrying and reviewing for that. 

 Apparently when you’re at home all the time, you get to reflect on the roller coaster ride your life has been as far as you can remember. Plus, I missed writing so maybe that’s why. Thanks for reading.

[chasingfelisse]

Monthly recap: July 2019

July has been one big meh. Nothing eventful happened on the outside, but I guessed I was geared by July to reform myself for a better August.

On academics: This month was mediocre. Barely passing my exams, studying for the sake of passing instead of learning. That took a toll on me and my mental health, that is why I felt stuck (Read more about that here). By the end of July, I promised myself that I would study because I loved my course. I am grateful and lucky to have been given the opportunity to pursue something I really want and to grow with it, thus I should maximize all opportunities and (even) challenges that it gives me. August is midterms month, so I hope that this vision for myself materializes soon enough.

On relationships: Romantically, I am happy. We have been apart for half a year now but I’m glad to say that only a few things have changed. The feeling of love has and is still there. Maybe longing for each other would be a part of our growth not just as individuals but as a couple as well. Maybe having the first major fight after being away was a way of the universe telling us that we have matured because we are still going strong until now.

On friendships: Literally on the last two days of July, I realized that it’s okay to cut out toxic people from your life - the ones who make you unreasonably feel bad about yourself. It’s not being selfish or unfair, but if you have given so much for the friendship and still feel like you lacked in that aspect, then it’s okay to cut them off. 

On reading: Currently motivating myself to read more books besides my accounting ones! I know that I have a lot of academic reading to do but I believe 5 minutes of reading a book for leisure doesn’t hurt! I have been reading numerous articles from Medium as well and I am enjoying it so much. 

Hopefully August becomes a much better and productive month, and I will be travelling as well! Watch out for a blog post about that. 

[chasingfelisse]

Stuck.

I always told myself that everything I had to do had to be great or extraordinary. I mean, what’s the point of doing it if it’s not going to be great right? I have always poured my heart out and everything I have got in everything that I do and right now, I feel like I’m stuck.

I don’t think I have done things I’m passionate about half-assed, or so I thought. I thought that I was good at certain things - academics, debate and probably leadership. I was once at the top of everything, making sure I accomplish everything in my well-detailed to-do lists. I was being praised and congratulated for things I knew I deserved because I did everything to get them. But, it slowly went away. 

I thought, maybe I’m just in a rut. Maybe I get distracted from my goals too much, but I never thought that maybe it was because I was spreading myself too thinly, I never really prepared for things I wanted or I got too complacent with my capabilities. Whatever that reason is, there is one thing that I am certain about: I am not growing anymore. The things I used to find joy in doing has began to become a chore and I find it hard to see the silver lining. I always find myself blaming myself for not topping my quizzes which used to be attainable for me, or regretting not preparing enough for a debate tournament. I have so many dreams, and it starts to scare me that I could not achieve them because of how I am right now.

I have always wanted to inspire people with my stories - stories of overcoming hardships and hurdles and still come out better than ever. Maybe I got too focused on inspiring other people, I forgot to inspire myself. I still consider self-care as a sin during times when I feel like I could be doing something more productive, but I would always remember that I want to tell a story that would inspire nobody else but me.

Maybe I barely passed a few quizzes. Maybe I sucked at debate tournaments. But hopefully, after realizing how much better I could become, I inspire myself a few months from now - celebrating her rank in integ exams or breaking high in debate tournament.

Someday, some way.

[chasingfelisse]

Hi, I hope to be back.

I have heard the phrase “I’m back.” countless times that I would not even put myself on the pedestal and pressure myself to continue here on Tumblr.

i left my original tumblr account (dasfelisse.tumblr.com) 2 years ago. this was caused by tumblr slowly being an avenue for me to remember depressing happenings in my life that i just want to block out. everytime i tried to come back, the feeling of hurt and pain always came back. i missed being able to write my thoughts out, but that longing that never enough to overpower the pain that being on tumblr still caused me. i used to read all my posts back then -- and doing so made me feel so insecure about the miseries that i had in my life back then. i had a lot of what ifs and could have beens in my head that it was not healthy anymore. even though i loved tumblr with all my heart, i knew i had to leave. 

yet, as the cliche saying goes -- if it’s meant to be, it will be. and i am here once again, typing my thoughts like i never even left. i hope there will be no more pain, just fulfillment and comfort. those feelings has what made me stay and comeback after all these years.

i hope you still remember me, tumblr. and i hope you’re ready to listen to my thoughts.