Since 17 months, I breathe in, I breathe out. The days pass and time slips away. The darkness within me has made itself at home inside me. I can hardly describe in any other way the kind of feelings that have spread through me since October 21, 2024. The darkness has sunk its claws into me; from the inside out, it is consuming me. There are days full of light, yet I know you are lurking within me. I turn away from you. I close my eyes, try to feel, to breathe, to experience new things—but you have drained everything of its color. The world has become pale since, for that brief moment, it was so full of color with you.
I feel my throat tightening as I write these lines. The pain, the bitterness—all of it makes me so completely sad that it spills out of me. I resist, I try—sometimes successfully—but any success is only ever short-lived. I open my eyes, and my first thought is of you. Of my despair that you are not with me, that you chose differently. I struggle and despair over the path life lays before me, as if I had a choice. I argue with life, I negotiate where there is nothing left to negotiate, and in doing so I cause myself even more pain.
I am dying inside since you entered my life. I am ungrateful and bitter—I don’t want to be, and I don’t want to write it, yet it is the whole truth. I suffer with every breath, this emotional pain. It hurts so much that all I want is for it to stop. It feels as if a part of me is missing, as if you took it with you—as if it were the price for us having met. The price for the mistake we made. The suffering afterward is the price for the wrongs we gave ourselves to.
I try to tell myself that I don’t want you anymore, but it is a lie. I only want you. I only love you, even though I know the love is dead. My love for you does not end—perhaps because I do not want it to end, because I cannot accept that life showed you to me only to take you away again. I want to feel nothing, and I want to feel everything, because in pain I am connected to you.
I tell everyone I am trying, that I am letting you go, that I don’t want you anymore. But it is a lie. All I truly, deeply want is you. Every day, I think of you. You are in my thoughts, in my wishes, and in my grief. I am afraid that it will stay like this for the rest of my life—that I have carved this pain into every fiber of my body.
I am asked how I am, and I say “good,” because I know no one understands this pain—because they roll their eyes and say I should accept that it is what it is. But I can’t. I wear a mask to make it easier for others, so they don’t reject me, because you have to fit into the pattern. I am unhappy. Deep inside, I am unhappy, and the pain has dug into me and is eating me alive from within. I can’t go on.
origamiaround
2087
prguitarman
titsay
