It’s crazy to think my life has changed so much in a matter of a decade. But then again, so much does happen in 10 years. Forsure one thing I learnt this year is that you can start changing your destiniy and your current state of life in any given second. It doesnt need to be in the new year, next monday or next month. It all starts now! When you decide to change your actions!
Early 2010′s I had the freedom to be who I wanted to be. Mid decade I got lost trying to figure out who I was (because I was being my unauthentic self). And I’m closing this decade by finally feeling like I’m getting closer to living my real purpose: of being ME and GIVING BACK to mother Earth through me being my whole self on this earth 24/7.
LIFE EVENTS: moved out to college, interned a lot for little money, lived on my own for the first time, constantly broke and happy and sad all in once. Partied like there was no tomorrow but still was responsible with school. Missed the fuck out of Mike and was dumb enough to date him again 3 years later. Got to live downtown Milwaukee in college!
I felt so lonely and lost. I was alone for the first time in my life. Without my mommy by my side as I moved off to college in Milwaukee. Then Mike and I were broken up just around that time. I felt so alone alone alone. And I didn’t know how to live with myself. I was such a mess. Always late, always messy. I would do laundry once a month. I would clean my room every other month. I would do homework right before it was due. I would live my life really scared and lonely. Hopping prince charming needed to come into my life and save me. Or I wouldn’t be happy otherwise.
It was also a time when I really missed Mike. I missed his company, not him. I can’t believe I even allowed him back into my life after how toxic we were. Yet allowing him back made me realise boundaries. Also made me feel strong and safe saying goodbye to something I yearned for 4 whole years!!! I missed him more than I ever even dated him. But I now realise I had major daddy issues that I sought Mike to fix. Like the nurturing and teachings I wish my dad would have done for me.
I also started going to Mexico more often and realised how fucked up I was with my dad. I was so disgusted in his actions. I hated that he would pull chairs out for me. And car doors. And shop doors. And he’d open my coke’s for me. And he’d talk about me like he was so proud of me. I mostly hated it all because I felt he never really cared to show me that side 24/7. And he took the credit of how Amazing I was doing even though he didn’t raise me. MY MOMMY RAISED ME!!!! But now I realise he did his best given the situation! He barley has income to survive let alone come visit me in the US. So he would call me to catch up and I’d be short and distant when talking to him and so of course he wasn’t given a fair chance to make things right with me <3
I became distant with my mother too. I kept carrying anger for her since I was little. I would scream at her and tell her she didn’t understand... Only because I never opened up enough to even share with her my world. I disqualified her from even understanding because I didn’t even open up to her. It was so unfair of me to do that and it was all because I thought she didn't understand americanism and culture and career and school things. Oh how awful of me. I wish I could go back in time and change that. Because just as I was going through this change of being lonely and sad, so was my mom going through the change. She also missed me when I missed her! And I wasn’t even able to express it all because I was carrying around anger from things that happened because she chose to change my life for the better. And I was so foolish to focus on the wrong side of things like her not being able to provide money, status and objects. When really she changed my life so I could provide all of that for my own! Which is a lot more rewarding for me to provide for myself and build my empire because it’s so much more rewarding than getting fed a silver spoon your whole life.
I had the best time living college life to the FULLEST. I so enjoyed every moment of it. It was the perfect college experience! I got to live on my own, work to pay my own bills, learn to live with other people, PARTY HARD, meet many people, date around and be young and careless.
LIFE EVENTS: Graduated college, made my mommy so proud, got hired on by my corporate employer without having to look for a job! Moved by myself, got fired by my first employer and a week later found the best job that defined my career in technology, learnt a lot from Carrie, found out what I’m good at at work, learnt to trust my intuition at work. For the first time felt I made a best friend.
I was on the cusp of graduating and I got caught cheating in school because I paid someone to take my last online class. I was so overwhelmed with my internship, working to be able to survive and doing other classes that I thought it was the easy way out. Little did I know it was a bad idea. Thankfully I didn’t find this out until after I walked the bowl. My mom was SOOOOOOO PROUD OF ME! It made me the happiest seeing her so proud of me :) <3 And seeing my dad in Milwaukee was nice too although I was still resentful. Even more so when I found our he was cheating on his wife mid trip to him visiting me. But that also taught me that I had to learn to accept him even for his flaws.
I became a ‘functional child’. Aka still acted childish, egotistic, partied hard, was irresponsible to my personal needs and the only difference is I could still go to work at my kickass corporate job and be super good at it. But was irresponsible in the whole other departments of my life.
I fucked up my brain doing too much ecstasy one night and I’m still super pissed about that. I’m so so so so so mad. My short term memory is not the same and ughhhhh I wish I could go back but I will get my brain back somehow. I just need to have faith and focus on my wellbeing.
I still neglected a good diet as I’d normally go out to eat, drink a lot and not sleep a lot. But little by little I was growing up. I took care of my physic every so often and would start journaling my feelings a lot more. I also realised it was now or never to go after my dream of being a celebrity publicist and made the active decision to go to Los Angeles and try to make my dreams a reality!
I also started going to music festivals and ended up meeting Brandon! He was a successful VP at a top music company in LA and he was so cool and such a mess all at once that it made me have hope that I too could be a mess and still be successful and cool and win at life. Although LOL clearly somethings wrong with that sentence.
I started dating a lot more now that I was fully over Mike and it was SO FUN meeting all kinds of dudes and learning more about what I want out of my partner. It felt so liberating to date guys and not be so attached to each one of them after realising we weren't a match. It took me a long while to get to that point but wow am I so glad I figured out how to live without a guy.
LIFE EVENTS: Got offered to Work From Home after resining from my job. Road-tripped across the US to move to Los Angeles. Got in an argument with Sherry and it tor our relationship forever. Hated every moment of living in LA. Did a solo euro trip for my 26th birthday and met the love of my life, Pawel!
