cheap wine reviews

two actors. just the cheap stuff.

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The Bel Vento Pinot Grigio

Cheap Wine Reviews is BACK with a new HQ. The girls have relocated to Astoria, NYC, where a whole new world of cheap wine awaits them. We're kicking things off with B's latest corner store purchase: the Bel Vento.

Price

$13 (pushing our price limit, "but it was for the big guy")

Color

"It's so... clear? Is this... is there wine in here?"

First impression on the palette

"the taste of nothing"

"totally palatable in that it doesn't taste like anything"

Okay, second impression on the palette

"Tannic... but is white wine supposed to be tannic? Isn't that red?"

"eau de Fruit Loop"

Aroma

Fruity Pebbles

Taste

acidic, syrupy, fruity, summer-y

Pairs well with

"SINATRA: Nothing But the Best"; shrimp

Final thoughts

"You know that red we brought is... much better..."

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The Cheap Wine Reviewers go even cheaper...

with home-brewed Shakesbeer!

Happy Graduation season, everyone, from the Cheap Wine Reviewers and Brewmaster Ted.

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The Rex Goliath Shiraz

Price

$5.69. FIVE SIX NINE. (We don't live in a state with three-buck chuck, so this is as good as it gets.)

Impressions

The booty call of wines. A wine you return to again and again, with no strings attached. It's late at night, you've tapped all your other resources, and you're a little drunk already. This wine holds no judgments, makes no assumptions. Available everywhere.

Flavor profile

"An undercurrent of cheap wine, but with a spicy flavor!"

"Yeah, peppery, or something!"

"But you can't drink it too fast..."

"Faux-complex."

"Totally drinkable."

Bouquet

It kinda smells like tapenade BUT WE CAN FORGIVE THAT

Appearance

Looks good on your shelf! Doesn't have the tacky label of Barefoot or Sutter Home, god bless them.

Pairs well with

Miller High Life and a nice crockpot stew

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The Quara Torrontes

Price

$8.99, and the kissy noices the valets made at me as I walked back home

First Impressions

"Llama?"

Bouquet

"Fruity!"

Mouthfeel

"Tingly, zesty. And burn-y. Like it burns. A little."

Pairs nicely with

this Town & Country we're reading, and Trader Joe's Frozen Mojito Fish

Complaints

"We have so far to go on our Customer Wine Card before we get a free bottle"

"Hmph, not nearly enough Cornell graduates in this issue"

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The Excelsior Shiraz

Price

$8.99

First Impressions

"Nice horse."

Flavor

"Pretty good!"

"Yeah! Way better than those other ones."

"Nice and dry."

"Yep."

Tones

Plum, chocolate. Smoked meats. Salami. I dunno.

Mouthfeel

It's our first night off in three weeks, what do you want from us.

10 Minutes Later

"Alright it's 9:30, I'm just gonna go to bed."

Rating

WOULD BUY AGAIN.

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The Bota Box Cabernet Sauvignon

Price

$18.99 for a three-liter box. And since three liters equals roughly four standard bottles (*MATH!*), we're talking less than $5 per bottle.

Tastes...

...like happiness. Like sunshine. Like dragon's blood and you are the khaleesi.

Tones

Dulect. Round and soft on the palette. Like a cherry. Or the smokey bearded man standing across the cigar parlor from you. Why you're in a cigar parlor remains to be seen. Also the wine itself is not smokey, just the cigar man.

Pairs well with

friendship, and leftover holiday candy.

Perks

Packaged in a recycled-paper box, printed with soy-based inks! Push-button spout way easier than that Franzia screw-spout nonsense! Seemingly never runs out! The Mary Poppins of cheap wines.

Overall

So far, the reigning favorite of Cheap Wine Reviews.

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The Valveran Sparkling Cider

WITH GRADUATE CLASSMATE SPECIAL GUEST CONTRIBUTORS

Price

Gifted (again), under $15

Wine?

Okay not technically, but it comes in a long-necked bottle and we served it in goblets

Color

Golden! Let's emphasize the positive.

Mouthfeel

"It's making me rub my tongue against the roof of my mouth. Like a cat."

Aroma

Like it was made from the finest Macintosh apple, picked fresh off the branch, then fermented in Usain Bolt's gym bag

Aftertaste

Jock-strappy

Crisp?

Aw yeah, crisp as shit

Remarks

"I feel fancy holding it"

"The name sounds Elvish"

Overall impressions

MIXED.

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The Andre (*NYE edition*)

  Price

$5.59

Tastes like

$5.59

Crafted from

Grapes (debatable), bad decisions

Serving suggestion

Serve chilled in champagne flutes, or a wine glass if that's all you have left, or hey sure those plastic tumblers from Target will work too

Pairs well with

Take-out from Phoenix Dragon

DOES NOT PAIR WELL WITH

Whiskey-spiked apple cider, a gin & tonic, sparkling prosecco, and another beer sure why not oh oh god AAAGGGHH WHYYY

Where

is the Advil

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The Deep Purple Zinfandel

Price

Free (served at the work-function open bar)

Thoughts

E: This wine got me into a very awkward situation with a security guard.

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The Jug of Livingston Cellars Chardonnay

Price

Free (also foisted upon B post-Thanksgiving)

Bouquet

E: Clean.

Color

B: Lemony

Legs

B: Trying to remember what legs are.

Bonuses

B: No handle on the jug, so that's a step up from the Carlo Rossi.

Pairs well with...

E: A graduate school lecture with mandatory attendance.

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The Jug of Carlo Rossi Rose

Price

Free (foisted upon B after a Thanksgiving potluck)

Flavors

B: Acrid. Saccharine. Sharp-cornered.

E: Like grown-up Kool-Aid.

B: Peaky?

Body

If this wine had a body, it would have a furry moustache, give a warm hug, and wear very tight pants. An eighties cop? Who is also a dad? A cop-dad?

Pairs well with...

B: Chocolate! Or anything, once you drink enough of it.

Serving suggestion

E: Mull that shit. Put it on the stove. Look on your spice rack. Do you have some powdered cloves? Of course you do, when do you use cloves for anything. Put that shit in your wine. Heat it up. Now you have mulled wine.