A Good Boy

vent blog / digital diary

[cheebeeez]

Sometimes I just hate to admit that I’m a spiteful asshole. No, I don’t like seeing people living their best life, don’t fucking tell me about it. I want what you have and I hate you for living the exact kind of life that I can only dream of living.

I don’t care if I’m a self fulfilling prophecy, I am miserable and I don’t have the energy to pretend that I’m not. I would do anything to trade my life for another one, and I’ve felt this way since childhood, that’s how fucking long my life has sucked, do not lecture me about just having to tough through it, I will absolutely be killing myself before I ever consider listening to someone’s half baked advice

[cheebeeez]

Yay pride month, I get to do nothing again because I live completely dependent on my transphobic and abusive parents, yippee!

God im such a fake trans person, literally all I have is pronouns in bio, I can’t even get them to call me by my chosen name, they literally laugh in my face.

[cheebeeez]

I’m tired of being asked about “my husband” and sexualized by my own family. I feel like this is responsible.

If I have to hear one more family member ask me about a boyfriend or joking about marrying me then I don’t know I’ll just kill everyone and then myself I guess, yall are nasty

[cheebeeez]

Not eating all day feels like a test of strength. I’m better because I don’t give in and eat. I don’t need the passive enjoyment of food. It’s not like I will starve. It can only help me. I wish everyone would stop enabling me. If I say I don’t want to eat, then stop pressuring me, I’ll just feel guilty about it afterwards anyways. They want me to be thin and attractive, and yet they feed me garbage. If I can’t eat anything good, I might as well not eat at all.

[cheebeeez]

I love how dizzy I get when I don’t eat. It feels different from what I usually feel, which is unbearable numbness. The human body is so interesting :3

[cheebeeez]

I wish there was just a universally accepted way to kill yourself if you wanted. Instead, everyone rushes to stop you from ending your pain and then proceed to make absolutely no effort to make living actually tolerable

[cheebeeez]

Remembering that one time I violently banged my head on my teacher’s desk when I went into the studio to do some work outside of class and then came to the realization that I didn’t bring a single pencil, making it literally impossible to do any work. My incompetence astounds me, no wonder I’m unhirable, can’t wait to kill myself once I’m 25 and still a complete failure :)

[cheebeeez]

whatever, anyone wanna sext with me or something? I’m bored and maybe talking about porn could be interesting I guess I don’t know …

forewarned, I am heavily into puppy play

[cheebeeez]

oh god how broken am i

[cheebeeez]

I know it’s awful and fucked up, but I want to be assaulted again. I feel like it’s been too long since I’ve last been horrifically hurt like that, and I need to experience it again so that I can remember the pain more clearly.

[cheebeeez]

I’m still that same 10 year old who believes that their body is only good for others pleasure. What other conclusion can you come to when the only physical intimacy you’ve ever experienced was through sexual assault and coercion?

[cheebeeez]

lmao should I kill myself my liege

[y]/[n]

[cheebeeez]

i don’t like what I see in the mirror !!! :3

[cheebeeez]

The depersonalization + derealization is getting is getting worse. I don’t know, everything really does just feel so fake including myself.

[cheebeeez]

self harm is.. kinda awesome..;

Like, it makes me feel better, and that’s all that matters . It feels so mundane when I do it, and that’s what I like about it

[cheebeeez]

Am I real? Does anything I do or experience matter? Why does everything feel so fake, when do I get to experience the kind of life that everyone else has? I want to be real, can someone make me real?

[cheebeeez]

Can someone just kill me already? I know that I’m terrified of death, but it has to be better than this fake life.