Pets
I’ve never had a pet. I don’t think the several fish floating Somewhere Out There exactly count.
Because the word “pet” to me implies some kind of animal companion - a partner, a friend who I envision dedicating my time and love to. An animal I could care for, hold in my arms, cuddle when it got cold for either me or my animal, pat when I want to show I appreciate them being there.
I remember asking for a dog every year for every birthday, christmas, random occasion when all my adult family members would kneel a little and smile and ask this child, would you like anything?
I think for one thing I also was lonely? I never had siblings either, and school was okay but I never ever spent time with friends because I was anxious instigating any like. contact with people outside of school where everyone was forced to see each other anyways or . yeah. That’s the same reason I never went outside to play with the neighborhood kids. All my family members had at least 20 years of age distance on me. Essentially part of it was that I just wanted someone at home I could be with, someone who didn’t have to understand me but wanted to spend time with me anyways.
At the time, they reasoned that I was too young to have a pet. Or I wouldn’t know how to take care of pets, or my allergies might react badly (i never went outside right). But I also remember going to the library after school to read books on how to raise dogs, how to raise cats, how to this how to that. Because if I was anything at like 9 years old, I was resourceful i guess. and I also liked surprising people by proving them wrong about me. I’d drop the hints. Say, “Today i read about hy...hy-po-aller-genic dog breeds. Isn’t that interesting mom?” But my mom’s smarter than me she totally knew what i was trying to say lmao so that didn’t pan out
I spent a lot of time lonely. I spent a loooooooooooot of time lonely. I went through my entire childhood left out of conversations about pets, and I went home every day to study or read or play video games. I’d watch movies and shows about families with pets and I wished it were me too. Maybe it’d be like those movies where a girl just happened to find a dog lost out there one day and brought it home and her family didn’t want to deal with it at first but grew to love it and happily-ever-after and whatnot
As I got older the reasons I never got a pet changed to variations of “we don’t have space in the house” and “we don’t have money.” Justifiable, acceptable, sufficient i guess, but it didn’t mean i was happy about knowing why. Instead I just felt worse because yeah, those incessant requests of mine turned out to have answers more nuanced than just “not knowing how to do shit”
and I wasn’t like. stupid. I understood when they told me. I know what limits my situation enforces on me and my family. And there’s not much I can like, do to significantly change our life.
But I just wish that especially now, I had an animal friend growing up. People with pets always tell me how much their animals have helped them by just existing. It can be a form of support, to own a pet. It can be good for you to sit in the same quiet room as your pet, do your own thing, chill out, whatever. I wanted that. I really wanted that.
There isn’t always a moral to a story. Sometimes you just miss out on stuff. And I’ve been really feeling the sense of something missing, recently. But in the wide, wide universe maybe one version of me got lucky enough to find that stray dog somewhere out there and brought it home and loved it and cared for it and maybe if I think about that it’ll be enough. Tell your pet I said hi.