I hope that by sharing this very personal part of me inspire and help people to find peace and solace in their own dark time. You are never alone in your battle. It is ok not to be ok but you have the power to decide not to wallow in it for too long. You can help yourself by first acknowledging that we all can make bad choices or decisions, secondly is by accepting the fact that we have that one person whom we can lean on, a person who can listen to our problems or complaints in life without judgment.
Grief according to Merriam-Webster's dictionary is a deep sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.
It is a state of emotion that I am currently facing. My mother battled Cancer (Thyroid and Melanoma) for almost 39 years of her life. She was a very cheerful person, who was very optimistic during her journey with her illness. She always entrusted herself to God's plan. We know that she was feeling pained but always telling us that God is with her. A faithful servant of the Lord, a dedicated wife, a loving mother and a caring grandmother. All her life she devoted it to us.
I being a nurse knew all along that her situation is getting worse but I had to put on a strong façade just to give her an assurance then that we will make it through together. I promised her that I won't leave her side and that I will be taking good care of her. I had a promising career but I cannot thought of going anywhere but beside her when I learned that she had Melanoma or skin cancer.
A brief medical background about Melanoma
Source: Mayo Clinic : https://www.mayoclinic.org
Melanoma, the most serious type of skin cancer, develops in the cells (melanocytes ) that produce melanin - the pigment that gives your skin its color.
The exact cause of all melanomas isn't clear, but exposure to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from sunlight or tanning lamps and beds increases your risk of developing melanoma.
By stage IV, the cancer has spread beyond your skin to other organs, such as your lungs or liver. Treatment options includes: Surgery to remove affected lymph nodes, Immunotherapy, targeted therapy, Radiation therapy and Chemotherapy
She underwent surgeries but later on it metastasized and Nanay decided not to seek any form of treatment since it progressed from stage 2 to stage 4 in less than a year. She opted to have palliative management instead. Immunotherapy was the initial option and it was very expensive. We were heartbroken. I tried to convince her to have her right arm amputated so that her life can be prolonged, but she insisted not to. I know that it was very hard for her but she wanted us to respect her decision. I buried myself in work just to keep myself going because I feared that Nanay will soon leave me. I together with my siblings gave all the comfort that we can. Time is our enemy.
Come September 27, 2021 at 7:10pm, Nanay peacefully went home to her creator. My life was shattered. I asked God to give her a peaceful death, and so He did. I have many plans in mind - travel, things she likes, the comfort that she deserves, everything that we can give her - but we cannot do anymore.
I have no regrets leaving my work just to take care of her 24/7 in her last remaining days. I only have one Nanay and I can trade anything just to give her the best care I can give.
5 Stages of Coping: DABDA
Denial - " Nope, it won't happen to me. Maybe it wasn't right, a confusion maybe?"
Anger - outpouring of heightened emotions - we curse, we hurt people even ourselves
Bargaining - I'll do whatever it takes…just to take it back.
Depression - Isolation. Feeling of hopelessness.
Acceptance - peaceful resolution
Kubler-Ross discusses this theory of coping in a linear fashion, meaning a person moves through one stage to reach the next. [1] She later explained that the theory was never meant to be linear nor applied to all persons; the way a person moves through the stages is as unique as they are.
It's important to remember that some people will experience all of the stages, some in order and some not, and other people may only experience a few of the stages or even get stuck in one. It's also interesting to note that the way a person has handled adversity in the past will affect how a diagnosis of terminal illness is handled [2]
It is not necessary to experience it all in a chronological order. Reactions to either death, loss or any life-changing experiences are unique as the person experiencing it.
Days had passed, and I am missing her badly. I know that Nanay won't be happy to see me like this. As I am on my grieving process, I decided to travel.
I am seeking relief, I travelled to Grieve. I wanted to be distracted from all the misery I am feeling.
I decided to go to a place where I can connect with nature, where I can climb high enough to deliver my message to her. I went to Anawangin Cove in Pundaquit, San Antonio, Zambales.
I spent 3 days and 2 nights in a place called Anawangin to clear my mind and to grieve on my own. It feels so refreshing to experience nature. I spent my days listening to music which I had a Nanay playlist on Spotify saved on my phone, writing a journal, a poetry, talking to God and talking to nanay.
When I hiked to the highest point that we are allowed, I spent some time just looking around the beauty of the scenery. The cold breeze of the sea brushed up against my body, yes I felt it Nanay, I felt your presence. I asked for your forgiveness for I wasn't an ideal son. I am so sorry if I caused you heartaches, but I know that you were proud of me. In every achievements that I had, you were the reason behind all of it. Thank you for letting me feel your presence up there.
I asked myself if I had done everything to prolong your life or if I had given you the proper care. I questioned myself many times all possible questions I could think of in relation to providing the best for your welfare. The pain that I am feeling now will not go away for as long as I live. Your memories will forever live in my mind and in my heart. You were my kryptonite.
That three days and 2 nights travel really helped me, it somehow relieved the sadness and emptiness that I am experiencing. I know that healing will take some time. There is no quick or easy way out of the pain and suffering that we feel as a result of losing our loved ones. It is important to acknowledge and express our emotions rather than burying them.
The song MaPa of SB19 was on repeat mode. It really echoes what is inside my my heart.
Dahil ikaw ang aking mata
Sa t'wing mundo'y nag-iiba
Ang dahilan ng aking paghinga
Kaya ′wag mag-alala, ipikit ang ′yong mata
Tahan na, pahinga muna, ako na'ng bahala
Labis pa sa labis ang ′yong nagawa
Mama, pahinga muna, ako na
yeah, 'di ko na sasayangin pa′ng mga natitirang paghinga
Tutungo na kung sa'n naro'n ang mahalaga, whoa
At kahit na kailan pa ma′y ′di mawawala 'pagkat dala ko ang mapa
Sa′n man mapunta, alam kung sa'n nagmula, whoa
Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts; it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind. – Anthony Bourdain
Travel when you can, it may or may not help you but the journey towards healing can start there. The moment that you've decided to take a step to grieve is a good sign of moving forward through healing.
Sharing one of the poetry I wrote during my travel.
patungo sa ibabaw ng bundok sa anawangin
mahangin, nakakahingal, nakakaluha
patungo sa itaas kung saan tanaw ang anawangin
pagmamahal mo na labis kong
saglit lang, kahit ilang segundo lamang
pagbigyan, nakikiusap, nagsusumamo
maramdamang muli higpit ng yakap mo
sa bawat dampi ng hangin sa aking pisngi'y dumantay
alam ko inay, ikaw ang humaplos
sa nangungulilang puso ko
doon sa itaas ng bundok sa anawangin
I am grateful that you were my mother, no one can ever replace you in my heart. Huwag ka ng mag-alala, pahinga ka muna, labis pa sa labis ang iyong nagawa, pahinga ka na ako na.
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