I don't have much of a childhood with you that i remember and what i do remember wasn't the best.
i remember being picked up from loud parties with lots of people at them and you not being around.
I remember getting chicken pox and you giving me a bath in the duplex we once lived in.
i remember sitting on the floor board of a car in the backseat because the car was so full of all your friends while my father was chasing you trying to get me back, being younger than 8 scared and not understanding all going on.
my last memory of you was when i was 8 and you came to church to spend time with me and little did i know that was the last time i was going to see you.
At that same time i was starting a new school in a new town in a new home. starting 3rd grade with the trauma of not having a mother or knowing when i would see her again. The trauma of a breaking heart shattering into pieces. 2000 was the year everything hit differently. 8 years old. no mother. being the oldest I had to help my father with my siblings, take on responsibilities.
I may not have any loving memories with you at all but i do know that the love i had for you was strong and deep and you was the only person that i wanted in my life and you was the one person i didnt have.
I carried that truma with me throughout my childhood years. I refused to let so many people close to me. 2000 being the last I saw you to 2009 being 17 almost 18.
i still remember that day I saw you at the hotel and all i could think about was it's finally my time to have a mother in my life. That this new chapter was going to be the best. little did i know i was wrong.
Moved back to iowa with you, meeting my baby sister and my other step siblings ive seen before. my step dad and thinking this will be good for me.
From garage parties with constant drinking to fighting and taking care of my baby sister learning about diabetes and how to care for a person who has it to trying to get you to spend time with me with out drinking to losing you all over again because drinking is all you could do.
Moving out and getting kicked out of school for not living with a parent to getting my high school diploma at at college and starting my nursing degree while losing my mind not having a clear conscious at all, getting into a relationship i wasnt ready for. Starting a life I wasn't ready for.
I never let myself heal from any of the trauma. I let it consume me each day and i found someone to pure it all into who eventually tore me apart to so i tend to find myself finding people who are broken and need fixing to work on them and less of me and i have wasted my whole life doing that just to avoid my pain of not having the mother i wanted and needed in my life and for what?
what it did for me was put me down a bad path. a path of people who did nothing but abuse me and use me and lie and hurt me but i am the one to blame because i let it all happen just to avoid the pain you put me through.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve met a lot of amazing people along the way to.
years down the line you tried to tear my family from me. you tried to blame me for social services taking my niece. You blamed everything on me. you used me and used me day in and day out and i let you. you only talked to me when you needed something. and then the day i finally stopped giving in and letting you when is the day you never showed.
the day that i drove around town waiting for you to show up all because you wanted to meet up with me to cash that check of yours and then what a lady hits me totals my van. hurts my child and all you can tell me was that chris took your keys you cant come and you never intended to come meet me like you asked for me to.
it was that day that i realized what i truly meant to you. nothing. your first born child. the person who made you a mother and nothing is what i mean to you.
even tho we dont talk anymore and i havent seen you in along time and while your on your meth path now and god only knows how your truly doing i do know that out of all the hell you have put me through i still love you. Ill still be there for you from afar. I'll be there for you at your deathbed and funeral. I'll be there for you if you fall sick but i will not put my life on hold once again for you.
You may have given birth to me and given the title of a mom but you have never been my mother. a stranger who brought me into this would with out showing me what love is or how to be the best person that i could be but you have taught me that i am who i am today for lots of reasons and some of them include the way you was with me.
your a women who has gone through whatever life put your through to be able to continue down a path where you never got to know 3 of your children and never will because they choose not to care who you are for leaving them. a life where you will always be the person you are until you accept all your flaws and mistakes and try to make amends with them.
I need to move on from this trauma that i have been holding onto since 2000.. I need closure and peace from the past and move onto the future.
I forgive you melissa jo helfler for all that you have done. I forgive all that you may do. You are such a beautiful soul and person if you let yourself be. I pray to our lord that you find your forgiveness and can be redeemed for all gone wrong and find your own peace in life.
i will always love you and i will always be your daughter, even if you don't see nor want me as your own. Know that i will be there from afar and love you as you gave me life, a life that i am now learning to live without heartache.
