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Opinions Won’t Keep You Warm at Night

also available on ao3 here !!

Pairing: Jungsu x Jiseok

Summary: The older they got, the more Jiseok thought about it. Realistically, no matter how intertwined their lives were, they were just best friends. He knew that. The issue was that over time, their other friends stopped being quite so clingy with each other, simply because that was what they were supposed to do. It was an unwritten rule of life. But it was different with family, right? 🔞

Words: 11.6k

Content: Dead Dove Do Not Eat, technically a high school au, whole lot of angst, hurt/comfort, possessive behaviour, misunderstandings, basically childhood friends to lovers with added psychological torment, smut and extra warnings under the cut ♡

a/n: wow two chewy fics in one month AND before the new year ??? who saw that coming because it definitely wasn't me lmao. i have a lot to say about this one but i'll put it in the replies to be less bulky. the tldr is it started as a joke for another fandom in october last year, got shelved, changed to jungji, collected dust again and now it's done after two weeks of losing my mind. not incredibly seasonally appropriate but please enjoy my Terrible Jungji <3

Smut warnings: masturbation, clothed sex kinda, coming in pants, frottage, biting/marking, mentioned anal sex

Extra warnings: pseudo-incest and underage sex. they're brought up with their families basically enforcing that they're real brothers so feelings get weird and uncomfortable even though they aren't actually related. originally written as ages 15/16 but i remembered middle school is a thing so jiseok and jungsu are 16/17. it isn't explicitly stated though so can be left up for interpretation if you want to ignore how the school system works <3

They weren't brothers. Not by blood, at least. The difficult part was the blurred lines, the question of what really made someone family, and it was especially hard when everyone around them seemed to be trying to drive in that they always had been.

Jiseok and Jungsu had grown up as neighbours their entire lives. With their parents already being tight knit and only seven months between them, of course they were going to be close. Their childhoods were spent climbing fences to jump into each other's backyards, tumbling around together on the grass until their clothes were stained green and bruises littered their skin, giggling into their hands at the scolding they received from their mothers almost daily. They shared beds and clothing, secrets and laughter, glances that only they could interpret. Brothers by everything but lineage.

That was the problem. The older they got, the more Jiseok thought about it. Realistically, no matter how intertwined their lives were, they were just best friends. He knew that. The issue was that over time, their other friends stopped being quite so clingy with each other, simply because that was what they were supposed to do. It was an unwritten rule of life. But it was different with family, right?

Maybe it would be weird for friends to regularly cuddle up together in bed, or leave kisses on each other's cheeks, or to wrestle on the carpet until they were red and panting with their foreheads pressed together, but it was different for brothers, wasn't it? Sure, it would usually be if there was a more significant gap in age, but both of them being in their mid teens didn't really make a difference. The raised eyebrows from people outside of their families—those who didn't know why they were allowed to act that way—didn't mean anything. It was fine.

The part that made it difficult for Jiseok to keep up the facade, the reason he started to rethink their dynamic, was linked to their ages, though.

——————————

Jiseok was perfectly aware of the changes that happen to teenagers, both in body and mind, and no matter how hard he tried to shove it all away, it was impossible to ignore. They were growing up and there was nothing he could do about it.

Jungsu had always been cute. He had crooked bottom teeth and an infectious giggle and the softest voice Jiseok had ever heard. All rolled together, he was adorable. Even when his growth spurt hit at fifteen—shoulders becoming broader and limbs stretching until he was a full 10cm taller than Jiseok in the span of that year—that didn't change. Jiseok went through it all too, of course, but it wasn't quite so drastic. Not in that sense. For Jiseok, the hormonal changes were the most obvious, at least to himself. It wasn't something he could control, but he still felt awful about it. He couldn't stop thinking about Jungsu.

It was a shift he didn't notice at first. Jungsu had always been on his mind, so that was nothing new, but the way he started thinking about him definitely was. It snuck up on him out of nowhere one night, a smack in the face as he stared at Jungsu fast asleep at his side, and it was so horrifying that Jiseok couldn't breathe. Seeing him as not just cute, but attractive, made nausea swirl in his gut. It was wrong. That was his brother.

Except… he wasn't. Not really.

That made it all the more confusing. Jiseok had spent so long trying, and succeeding, to justify their behaviour as familial that it was a sickening revelation. He didn't know what to do.

“Hey? Are you alright?”

Jiseok jolted at the sound of Jungsu's sleep-rasped voice, not noticing that his eyes had opened sometime during his spiral, and he couldn't help wanting to smooth away the worried wrinkles etched into his forehead. It tugged at his heart, but he held himself back from reaching out, and even if he didn't know why, Jungsu definitely noticed.

“I'm fine,” Jiseok managed to whisper around the lump in his throat. “Go back to sleep. It's late.”

Jungsu pouted, seeming to want to say more, but he just turned onto his other side with a mumble that made Jiseok's chest ache.

He couldn't say he loved him back.

——————————

“Is it weird?” Jiseok blurted out, the three people turning his way with matching confused expressions making him blush. “How close I am to Jungsu-hyung?”

“Yes,” Jooyeon deadpanned, yelping when Hyeongjun kicked him under the library table. “What? He asked!”

“I mean,” Seungmin tipped his head to the side in thought, ignoring the two arguing at their sides. “Yes and no. It would be weirder if you didn't consider each other brothers, I guess. Why?”

Jiseok stared down at his textbook, not sure how to answer. Seungmin's response basically confirmed his worries. Jooyeon's even more so. He couldn't tell them the real reason if that was how they saw it. Hyeongjun hadn't directly answered, but Jiseok was fairly certain he felt the same way. It was weird. Wrong. The shift in his thinking recently would stir it up even further. It was easier to shrug it off than try to give some kind of excuse, even with Seungmin's eyes boring into him.

With awful timing, Jiseok felt warmth against his back as familiar arms wound around his shoulders, Jungsu resting his chin on top of his head with a pretty, blinding grin. He didn't seem to notice Jiseok's body stiffening, and the others greeted him as they always did—indulging his excited chatter with fond smiles as if they'd already forgotten the awkward conversation. Even if he was a year older, everyone adored Jungsu. It would be impossible not to, in Jiseok's unfortunately biased opinion.

——————————

“Oh, right,” Jungsu leaned further down to speak directly into Jiseok's ear. “Are you still coming over later?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jiseok held back a shiver at the way Jungsu's breath tickled his skin. “I'll be there.”

“Great! Wait for me after school so we can walk together, okay?”

He didn't wait for an answer, kissing Jiseok's cheek before bounding away to his next class with a cheery wave to the others. Jiseok couldn't look up from the table, afraid of what he would find if he did. Being a coward was easier.

——————————

There was an actual occasion to be hanging out this time, at least. Jungsu's side was holding a barbecue to welcome the new neighbours moving in across the street—a small family with the eldest son a few years older than Jungsu. They seemed nice enough, and the food would always be good, so Jiseok finally felt like he could relax. Maybe it was too easy.

Jungsu had taken up a love of cooking, so his parents gladly handed over grilling duties to focus on everything else that needed tending to, and Jiseok stuck close to his side as usual. He was awful when it came to anything kitchen related, so he was typically made to be the taste tester, but it was never anything to complain about. Jiseok was more than happy to open his mouth for whatever Jungsu had to offer.

He choked on a piece of meat at how poorly worded his own thoughts were, waving Jungsu off when he looked his way in concern, but it was something else that suddenly made him feel uneasy. They'd said a brief hello to Gunil before starting, and he came across as quiet and reserved, so Jiseok was surprised to find him openly staring at them from the other side of the yard. Gunil shook himself out of it when Jiseok caught his eye, but a strange sense of dread crawled up Jiseok's spine when he started making his way over.

“Hi,” Gunil smiled politely when he stopped far away enough from the grill to not bear the heat. “Do you need help with anything?”

“I think we're fine,” Jungsu grinned back after flipping the food over. “Thank you, though.”

“No problem. You're cute together, by the way.”

Whatever he said next was drowned out by the ringing in Jiseok's ears. He caught Jungsu stuttering his way through some kind of response, Gunil's voice sounding frantic when he said something back, but all of the words were lost on Jiseok. His veins flowed with ice, heart hammering against his ribcage, dizziness threatening to send him to the ground and be swallowed whole.

Questioning glances were normal. Noses turned up in disgust were easy to ignore. Nobody had ever directly called them out.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Jiseok's feet carried him away from Jungsu desperately calling his name, jumping the fence before his mother could ask what he was doing, somehow leading him to stumble up the stairs to his bedroom with blurry vision. The tears burned as they spilled down his cheeks, knees aching when he fell to the floor after slamming the door, but it was nothing compared to the pain ripping through his chest. Curling onto his side on the uncomfortable vinyl, all Jiseok could feel was his phone digging into his leg through his pocket. He needed to talk to someone.

Usually it would be Jungsu, but that wasn't really an option. Jooyeon would be even less helpful than putting his head through a wall and Seungmin could be too snarky about it depending on the mood he was in. That left Hyeongjun. He could go either way, but Jiseok knew it was his only choice.

Pulling the phone free from beneath his body, Jiseok opened his app to find their last conversation outside of the groupchat, his hands trembling as he typed without knowing if it made any sense through clouded vision. He locked the screen as soon as he pressed send, the thud when it fell from his fingers to the hard floor barely registering, unable to look when it lit up with the notification of an immediate reply. At least Hyeongjun always checked his messages.

He wasn't sure how long he laid there. Hyeongjun didn't live far away, but it could've been five minutes or an hour, for all Jiseok knew. A tapping sound finally startled him out of it, lifting his head to find Hyeongjun standing on the small balcony on the other side of the glass, panting with flushed cheeks as if he'd made the decision to run all the way there and climb up the rickety ladder instead of coming inside like any other normal person. Confused, Jiseok hauled himself up to unlatch the glass door and let him in.

"Thought you'd appreciate a Troy and Gabriella moment," Hyeongjun grinned, softening a little when Jiseok only smiled weakly back. "The only thing spelled properly in your message was 'hyung', so I figured it wasn't good. Must be worse than I thought if that didn't make you laugh. What happened?"

Dropping backwards onto his mattress in favour of the hard floor, Jiseok took a deep breath before launching into the short story, gripping Hyeongjun's hand tightly when he reached out. Hyeongjun sat quietly through it, chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip after Jiseok finished his spiel, finally looking him in the eyes when he appeared to work out what he wanted to say. Jiseok braced himself for it, but it didn't make the words any nicer to hear.

"You're not gonna like it, but you can't really blame the guy for thinking you're together with the way you act around each other," he grimaced, gently patting Jiseok's hair when his head landed in his lap with a groan. "In saying that, you could've just corrected him. Why did you panic?"

That was a good question. Jiseok frowned, fiddling with a loose thread on Hyeongjun's weird, brightly coloured trousers as he thought it over. He had a point. Jiseok could've just corrected him like it sounded Jungsu was trying to do. Really, he knew why he couldn't, why he ran instead of facing the problem, and as much as he didn't want to, Hyeongjun was probably the best person to spill his guts to.

"Something changed," Jiseok mumbled, just loud enough for Hyeongjun to hear. "I think… I think I like Jungsu-hyung."

"More than friends?" Hyeongjun twisted Jiseok's hair in his fingers, smiling down at him softly when he nodded. "So what?"

"What do you mean, 'so what'?" Jiseok sat up, looking at Hyeongjun like he'd lost his mind. "It's wrong. We're brothers."

"No, you're not. Not really," Hyeongjun blinked back passively. "I get where you're coming from, and it's probably a lot for you to get your head around, but you're not actually brothers. It's not incest, Jiseok-ah."

There it was. The big, bad, terrible word Jiseok had been avoiding. How could Hyeongjun say it so casually? Of course it was easier for him to see it in black and white; they weren't related by blood, after all. He would never understand the way it felt—how it was eating Jiseok away from the inside out—because from Hyeongjun's perspective, it was a closed case of a friend with a crush. No matter how empathetic he was, Hyeongjun just didn't get it. Nobody would. Jiseok had no idea what he was supposed to do.

"Alright, look," Hyeongjun sighed when Jiseok dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets out of frustration. "Obviously I can't feel what you're going through. The best thing to do in any kind of situation is to communicate, though. You can't just leave hyung in the dark. You already left him alone at the grill."

Jiseok rolled his eyes at Hyeongjun's stupid grin. Joking or not, he did have a point. God only knew what he'd had to say to Gunil—not to mention their families—after Jiseok ran. It wasn't fair to have left that way. Still, knowing that didn't mean he wanted to confront it.

"How, though?" Jiseok picked at the skin around his nails nervously. "It's not like I can just say sorry and move on."

"I don't know," Hyeongjun shrugged unhelpfully. "I can tell him you're alive, if you want, but as much as I love you both, I'm not getting tangled in the rest of it. That's yours to sort out."

It might have sounded rude from anyone else, but Jiseok knew it was just Hyeongjun's way of showing he cared without being any more directly involved than he already was. He appreciated that Hyeongjun was willing to at least let Jungsu know he was okay. That was already more than he really needed to do.

Feeling slightly lighter, Jiseok walked Hyeongjun down the stairs so he wouldn't, for whatever reason, try to leave from the balcony again, letting him get back to whatever it was that he'd been doing before Jiseok's message. Probably guitar practise, but Jiseok had learnt to not ask too many questions about what Hyeonjun got up to in his spare time. Strange guy.

He really didn't want to, but Jiseok knew he had to check his notifications. His phone was still on silent, left where he'd dropped it on his bedroom floor after trudging his way back up, and as stupid as it was, Jiseok felt like it would burst into flames if he tried to touch it. Staring down at it forever wasn't really an option, though.

Taking in a deep breath made his chest ache more than settle, but Jiseok forced himself to crouch and tap on the screen, the glaring blue light making his nerves pick up all over again. He'd expected the missed calls and texts from his mother, followed by Hyeongjun letting him know that he'd spoken to her too, but it was Jungsu's that made his stomach twist. A string of unnecessary apologies, each one more desperate than the last, ending only a few minutes earlier with a single word that shattered Jiseok's fragile heart.

'Please.'

The phone slipped from Jiseok’s fingers. He couldn't speak to Jungsu that night.

——————————

Jiseok wanted to take Hyeongjun's advice—he really, really did—but it just wasn't as easy as he'd made it sound. Maybe it wasn't the best idea, but avoidance was the only palatable option. The anxiety was making him genuinely unwell, so taking days off from school wasn't too questionable, but Jiseok knew it couldn't last forever.

The 'incident', as Seungmin referred to it after presumably being told by Hyeongjun, had happened on the Friday night. Jiseok's mother would only allow him to stay home until Tuesday, forcing him out of his cocoon of despair despite his grumbled protests, and there really wasn't anything Jiseok could do about it. For one, he couldn't afford to fall behind. Outside of that, Jooyeon's boredom texts were getting weirder, and there really was a limit to the memes Jiseok could deal with. Trading a slow death for a potentially very quick one.

Not living far from the school made taking a bus pointless, which would usually be fine, but walking meant that Jiseok couldn't keep a natural distance if Jungsu happened to see him on the way. It was ridiculous to be so concerned over the possibility of the person closest to him following along the same path. He couldn't even remember the last time they hadn't done it together. The thought shouldn't have sent such a deep crack through his sternum.

The heaviness in his gut didn't leave after making it to the school grounds, Jiseok's jaw tightening with the main entrance looming ahead, but it wasn't like he could back out. He couldn't guarantee that Jungsu would be around. All Jiseok had to do was make it to class. It could be fine.

Maybe he really did have the worst luck in the world.

Jungsu's eyes had never been so sunken and lifeless, the skin beneath them purplish as if he hadn't slept in days, and all things considered, there was a chance he hadn't. His steps were ghostly—wobbling in a way that was entirely unlike Jungsu's usual sturdy and self-assured gait—and Jiseok was sure they would be soundless if he was any closer. Jungsu didn't see him with his gaze trained on the hallway floor, but Jiseok still felt torn apart as he watched him enter the opposite classroom.

He was never supposed to look like that. The two of them were supposed to be a duo full of sunshine. They were supposed to be a duo.

They were supposed to be together.

Someone crashing into the back of his shoulder snapped Jiseok out of it. He waved off the half-hearted apology they gave for not looking where they were going. Standing frozen in the middle of a busy space was his own fault, anyway. Jiseok had to get to class and at least pretend to be okay.

If Seungmin, Hyeongjun and Jooyeon noticed how his hands trembled as he sat down and silently unzipped his bag or that he couldn't look them in the eyes, they didn't say anything. Jiseok wasn't sure if he was grateful or resented them for it.

——————————

Not running into Jungsu for the rest of the school day didn't mean his presence wasn't haunting. Jumping at every unknown shadow was stupid—Jiseok knew that—but he couldn't help it. The idea of seeing him again in the half-dead state Jiseok himself had caused was too much. Maybe Jungsu felt the same considering they usually met at least a couple of times. Was Jungsu avoiding him, too?

Being unnecessarily paranoid eating his lunch with three pairs of eyes glancing at him warily was one thing. Classes being let out in the afternoon was a far greater problem. Just as in the morning, there was nowhere to hide on the way home if Jiseok did happen to spot Jungsu. He hadn't taken the possibility of not making it that far into account.

Thick fingers wrapped around Jiseok's wrist as soon as he stepped out, taking him so off guard that he yelped embarrassingly loudly, but he was dragged around to the side of the building before he could see if anyone reacted to it. It took a second for recognition to properly set in with it happening so quickly, Jiseok's heart hammering even harder when Jungsu shoved him against the bricks with his free hand, the other tightening like a vice so he couldn't try to leave. Jiseok wasn't being given a choice in facing what he'd done.

"Talk to me," Jungsu used his height to loom above, bitten-down nails digging into Jiseok's shoulder, but his voice wavered too much to be intimidating. "Why won't you talk to me?"

Jiseok's mouth opened soundlessly, too many words flying through his mind for any to stick well enough to speak, the desperation in Jungsu's eyes like a car crash he couldn't look away from. He was too close.

They were too close.

"I can't."

Nothing more would leave Jiseok's tongue, Jungsu's expression crumpling blurred by his own tears, but they didn't spill over until Jungsu broke contact. It was only then that he understood how Jungsu must have felt on the day he ran—listening to his shoes slapping on the path as he slid down the rough wall, cradling his head in his hands until the distance was too great for the sound to travel back his way. He'd meant to apologise. Making it worse shouldn't have been possible. Somehow, Jiseok had only turned the ashes into dust.

Can a burnt bridge be rebuilt? Maybe. Can one fully incinerated and blown away by the wind be brought back together at all? Jiseok had no idea.

He couldn't tell if he'd even get another chance to try. It definitely wasn't something he deserved.

——————————

'Unpredictable' wasn't a word Jiseok had ever associated with Jungsu. He was the total opposite—dependable, locked into habits and too introverted to step out of his comfort zone. Jiseok had assumed Jungsu would lay low for a while because that's just how he was. Predictable.

The sound of tapping on glass that night scared Jiseok far more than it had with Hyeongjun. With the curtains drawn at 11pm, just as he was about to get into bed, the smart thing to do would be not going towards it. Whether it was curiosity or just being in a daze, Jiseok wasn't sure, but he couldn't help peeking around at the silhouette on the other side. The person was standing with their hand flat on the door, hunched with their head hung low, and even in the darkness, it was a figure he would recognise anywhere.

Without stopping to think, Jiseok ripped the curtain aside. The action startled Jungsu away, cradling his hand to his chest like it hurt, his eyes almost as large as Jiseok's reflected back. Fumbling with the lock took longer than it should have, Jungsu looking more terrified by the second, and Jiseok only recognised the emptiness in his lungs after sliding the barrier away. He had no idea what he was supposed to say with them face-to-face again so soon.

"You answered," Jungsu whispered before Jiseok could try. "A sane person would've called the police or something."

"Lucky you knocked on the crazy guy's door, then," Jiseok cringed at himself, but the poor attempt at a joke made Jungsu relax slightly. "Why are you out here?"

Jiseok backed away when Jungsu stepped forward without responding to the question, instinctively keeping space between them despite the way Jungsu's face fell in disappointment, but he wasn't going to shut him outside. Sitting cross-legged on the bed seemed like the best option to talk if it was going to go anything like it had with Hyeongjun.

"Please talk to me. I need answers, Jiseok," Jungsu didn't follow, awkwardly staring at the floor after taking off his shoes and closing the door. "I miss you."

"I miss you too," Jiseok replied automatically, feeling his cheeks turn warm when Jungsu looked up in surprise. "I'm sorry."

Jungsu hesitated when Jiseok patted the bedcovers, taking a deep breath before crawling up to sit opposite a little further away than the spot he'd touched. He looked sickly pale even bathed in the warm lamp light.

"Did it scare you?" Jungsu broke the stretch of silence when Jiseok didn't continue, his jaw tensing when Jiseok nodded. "Why?"

"I can't—"

"Yes, you can," Jungsu cut him off, an angry despair in his tone that Jiseok had never heard before. "Why did it scare you? Why did you run? Answer me!"

"Because it's wrong!"

Stunned by the outburst, Jungsu stared open-mouthed as Jiseok dug his nails into his thighs in an attempt to calm down, the sting being an awful reminder that he'd worn shorts. He felt too bare. As if being emotionally rubbed raw wasn't bad enough.

"Hey," Jungsu pried Jiseok's fingers from his flesh, holding tighter when he tried to flinch away. "It was just a misunderstanding. Why are you freaking out?"

"Why aren't you freaking out?" Jiseok lost his patience, not at all understanding how Jungsu wasn't bothered by it in the same way. "We're brothers."

Jungsu fell back like he'd been burned, realisation visibly flowing over his features like he'd been dunked in ice water. Where Jiseok was sure he was supposed to feel relieved, all he felt was confused. How had it taken Jiseok saying it directly for Jungsu to catch up?

"I didn't really think about it," Jungsu eventually laughed bitterly as looked up at the ceiling. "I thought it was just because it was me."

"It is because it's you," Jiseok said slowly, even more lost than before. "I don't understand what you mean."

He caught Jungsu's wrist as he got off the bed before he could move too far away to reach, but Jungsu easily wrenched himself free, leaving Jiseok to scramble off the mattress and follow him back towards the door. He'd just slipped his shoes on when Jiseok gripped his upper-arm to spin him around, his jaw dropping at the way Jungsu's eyes were shiny with unshed tears. Jungsu took in a shaky breath before he could try to ask what he was missing.

"My shirt is too big on you. You still wear it. Why?"

Jiseok looked down at himself, eyebrows pinching together when he recognised that it was one of Jungsu's old shirts. It had been in his wardrobe for so long—'borrowed' months earlier from one of their sleepovers—that Jiseok hadn't thought about it at all. Jungsu was right about it being far too big on his frame, too. So much so that his shorts barely peeked out from under the hem. It was comfortable, he supposed, but it clearly wasn't the right answer when he said so.

"You have ones that fit. You have your own clothes," Jungsu's hands tightened into fists at his sides, his tone strangely accusatory. "So why are you wearing mine?"

"I don't know!" Jiseok exclaimed, barely holding himself back from stomping his foot like a child having a tantrum. "I don't know what you want me to say! I—"

Chapped lips meeting his own left Jiseok frozen. It was only for a second, so brief that Jiseok thought he might have imagined it if it wasn't for Jungsu's fingers painfully digging into his shoulders, the shock he felt mirrored on Jungsu's face.

He couldn't speak. He couldn't stop Jungsu from leaving. He dropped as soon as the door slid closed.

Bile rose in Jiseok's throat, screwing his eyes closed as the room spun, tipping forward onto his palms as he struggled to breathe. Jungsu kissed him.

It was wrong. They were brothers.

But not really.

Wrong. Brothers.

Not by blood.

Jungsu kissed him.

The scream ripped from Jiseok’s chest before he could swallow it down. He didn't care about the vinyl bruising his knees. Being held tightly against his father's chest and his mother's frightened pleading to calm down barely registered. Jiseok couldn't them what happened. He couldn't tell anyone.

The bridge hadn't even left a shadow.

——————————

Passing out from exhaustion was more accurate than saying he'd fallen asleep. Sleep was supposed to be peaceful. Waking up under the covers with a dry mouth and scratchy throat could be considered anything but well rested. He'd never been so grateful for a glass of water left on the bedside table, but sitting to take a sip brought about another issue.

Jungsu's tshirt hung loosely from his torso, the time-softened material scraping with every movement and pooling over his thighs from the shorts riding up. Nausea swirled in Jiseok's stomach at the memory of Jungsu brushing over the same skin to hold his hands the night before. Jiseok put the cup back on the table before his trembling fingers could let it slip and smash on the floor.

As if it couldn't get any worse, Jiseok recognised a different feeling as he laid back down, reluctantly lifting the covers to scowl down at himself. He was perfectly aware of it being a normal thing, and it was nowhere near the first time, but waking up sticky would've been better than having a tent beneath the thing making him itch.

It would go away if he ignored it. Jiseok knew that. All he needed to do was leave it alone, think about something horrible to speed up the process, and then pretend it hadn't happened. With the digital clock reading 10am, Jiseok's parents clearly weren't making him go to school, so maybe he could even get some proper sleep. Easy.

His hips kicked up on their own when he dropped the covers, slapping one hand over his mouth to stifle a gasp as his dick dragged against his underwear. Jungsu had momentarily been forgotten, but his image flooded Jiseok's mind when he did it again with more purpose, the shirt draping his body impossible to ignore.

Jiseok shouldn't be doing this. It was wrong to think about Jungsu, especially wearing his clothes, but he couldn't help it. He'd seen what Jungsu looked like with his head thrown back, sweaty and panting after they'd been wrestling. Jiseok had been pinned by him so many times that he knew exactly how much strength he had in his larger body and it was easy to picture what Jungsu looked like from below. So, so easy.

Still, Jiseok couldn't bear to touch himself directly. That was too far.

The shorts were beginning to get uncomfortably tight, so Jiseok took just enough time to wriggle out of them before turning onto his front, burying his face in the pillow to muffle his moans as he rutted against the mattress. His parents should have been at work by then, but he wasn't going to take any chances. What he was doing was bad enough without being caught.

It wasn't like he was trying to take his time with it or anything, but Jiseok was brought to the edge so quickly that he couldn't help finding it embarrassing. All because of Jungsu. Jiseok shouldn't be doing this, but—

Jungsu kissed him.

Jiseok started grinding down faster, a patch of drool spreading across the pillow as he sunk his teeth into it. Close. So close. Just a little more.

Did Jungsu want more?

"Fuck."

Choking on something like a sob, he clawed at the sheet as he dirtied his underwear, trembling through it until he went limp. Dizzy, Jiseok tried to catch his breath, but the nausea caught him first.

He barely made it to lift the toilet lid before he retched. Jungsu's shirt was thrown to the back of his wardrobe in the hopes of being forgotten. Jiseok didn't know how to scrub himself clean.

——————————

Telling his parents that he didn't need a doctor meant that Jiseok was made to go back to school the next day. He couldn't really argue when he'd only been there one day that week, but Jiseok’s anxiety was at an all time high. The idea of seeing Jungsu after what he'd done was horrifying. Somehow, his friends were even worse than he'd braced himself for.

"Six days since the incident and you still haven't made up," Seungmin pouted, putting his elbow on the library table to hold his head up on his hand. "Unbelievable."

"You both look like shit, too."

Judging by his hiss of pain, Jiseok assumed Hyeongjun kicked Jooyeon in the same place as Friday. He kind of hoped the bruise would be permanent.

"Have you talked to Jungsu-hyung at all?" Hyeongjun asked after turning away from Jooyeon's glare, droopy eyes widening when Jiseok nodded hesitantly. "Oh. So something else happened, then."

Not framing it as a question made Jiseok sigh. Maybe Hyeongjun did know him too well. Maybe he was just being too obvious. It didn't matter. Jiseok couldn't talk about it. He could pretend it wasn't real.

A chill ran down Jiseok's spine, his shudder so violent that it made the other three frown, and the hair on his arms stood on end as if his body felt something before his brain could recognise it. Jiseok twisted in his chair at the sound of something clattering to the ground, coughing when he sucked in a breath too hard, locking eyes with Jungsu as he got up from the floor with the dropped pencil case.

For once, Jooyeon was right. He really did look awful.

Jungsu ran before Jiseok could even think to get a word in. He could have chased after him, and the others clearly expected him to by the way they stared when he turned back around, but Jiseok didn't see any point. What would he do? Cause a scene in the hall? It wouldn't be as easy to fix as they seemed to think.

He looked down at his textbook to avoid their disappointment, but it was all just squiggles on a page to a skull filled with cotton wool. It wasn't fair. No matter how smart he was, Jiseok really couldn't afford to fall any further behind, and it wasn't even his fault that he couldn't concentrate. It was all Jungsu's for messing with his head. Resentment was easier to deal with than regret.

Missing the concerned glances the others shared was probably for the best.

——————————

Devoting himself to studying worked surprisingly well. One of the most productive distractions Jiseok could've picked after the brain-fog lifted, even if it wasn't entirely by choice. Not thinking about Jungsu was a conscious decision, though. There was no sense in dwelling on it if Jungsu was just going to be avoidant.

With that in mind, Jiseok found that time flew past. Spending less of it with his friends was a side-effect he hadn't considered, and he could tell they were getting more frustrated by the day, but Jiseok couldn't bring himself to care. Was the chance of burnout creeping closer? Sure. But it wasn't his fault that he needed a distraction in the first place.

His eye twitching meant nothing.

It was fine.

The lack of sleep no matter how exhaused he was meant nothing.

He was fine.

An empty cavity in his chest, hollowing itself wider and deeper and heavier, meant nothing.

Jiseok was fine.

Until Seungmin appearing on the balcony—tapping on the glass with Jooyeon and Hyeongjun standing just behind—severed the frayed rope holding his pieces together. Collapse.

Being held tightly to Seungmin's chest on the floor as he sobbed, Jooyeon holding his hand and Hyeongjun trying to soothe with words he couldn't understand, was too close to that night.

"I'm sorry," Jiseok managed to get out between harsh breaths. "I'm so sorry."

"We know," Seungmin whispered into his hair as he rocked them gently, pretending to not notice how tearstained his shirt had become. "But no more ignoring us. We're going to figure this out, okay?"

"We miss you. Just a little bit," Jooyeon grinned when Hyeongjun rolled his eyes, but fell back into something more uncharacteristically serious a second later. "He does, too."

Jiseok hummed, already feeling a headache coming on from crying so hard, and that had been without Jungsu actually being mentioned. Of course he knew that Jungsu would miss him. It went both ways. Telling himself that he was also at fault was the nasty part. Shoving everything down to not feel so awful might not have been the best idea, after all.

"Do you think you can tell us what happened that night?" Seungmin pulled back to look at Jiseok properly. "We can't help if we don't know."

"I… Jungsu, um," Jiseok croaked, struggling to get the words out. "Hyung was asking me questions I didn't understand. I still don't, honestly."

"Questions?" Jooyeon frowned when he nodded. "What questions?"

"Why I freaked out and ran away. Thought that would've been obvious," Jiseok huffed a short, humourless laugh. "But then he asked why I was wearing his shirt if it was too big."

Not getting an answer, Jiseok looked around at the semicircle of bewilderment and defeat. Apparently they'd become telepathic in his absence. Not at all helpful for Jiseok's frustration growing again.

"You were… wearing his shirt when he came over? Why?"

"Because it was in my closet?" Jiseok sighed when Seungmin raised an eyebrow, scooting to a different place on the floor with his arms feeling too suffocating. "It's basically mine."

"Basically yours is one way of putting it."

Not very subtle, but it still took a second for Jiseok to understand what Hyeongjun meant. The nausea came back full force, horror overtaking confusion, struggling to fill his lungs as the ghost of Jungsu's lips passed his own. He couldn't keep pretending it hadn't happened.

"He kissed me," Jiseok mumbled, staring at the floor to avoid the mix of shock and pity he was sure they had to be wearing. "Before he left. Jungsu-hyung… kissed me."

"Wow. This whole time we've been joking about locking you in a room until you kiss. Beat us to it and you still fucked it up."

It was Seungmin who lost his temper over Jooyeon opening his mouth that time. Jiseok looked up when he caught the flurry of movement, just seeing Seungmin tackle Jooyeon before his view was obscured by Hyeongjun squatting in front of him. Pity wasn't the right word for his expression. Something more like concern with a pinch of curiosity.

"Jungsu-hyung shouldn't have done that and I'm sure he feels bad. I don't think that's the problem though, is it?" he gently fixed the parts of Jiseok's hair sticking up from Seungmin's petting. "I know what you told me but you need to remember what I said, too. You can let yourself want more. I promise it's okay. Dragging this on and leaving him to rot isn't."

Hyeongjun being so straightforward, if not a little dramatic, made the full situation hit harder. Jiseok was leaving him to rot. For the better part of a month, if he was calculating correctly. None of it was Jungsu's fault. Not really. It was all Jiseok's for messing with his head. Regret replaced resentment.

"Tomorrow," Jiseok tried to match his pleased smile, but he knew it was a little too watery. "I'll talk to him tomorrow."

Jooyeon and Seungmin sat up to pay attention. An excited grin stretched Jooyeon's lips, shoving Seungmin off where he was still hovering over his thighs to shake Jiseok by the shoulders, the effort to fully lift the gloom appreciated even if it almost rattled him apart. It felt silly to link his pinky finger with Seungmin's, but Jiseok knew it was a promise he had to keep for everyone's sake.

He could do this.

——————————

Jiseok slept soundly after the others left, finally able to rest without the shadows of doubt clogging his arteries for what felt like the first time in forever, and he was determined to follow through on his words. Jungsu's Friday schedule was as committed to Jiseok's memory as his own. He should have been easy to find.

There was just one thing Jiseok hadn't considered.

Jungsu wasn't at school.

That wasn't right. He was supposed to be there. Even at his lowest points, mentally or physically, Jungsu never skipped a class. Even with them avoiding each other, Jiseok had still been aware of his presence. He'd rather be dead than fall behind. Not a pleasant thought, but it was the one that stuck. Maybe the others had heard from him.

"Why would he message us if you're the problem?"

Jooyeon twisted his body to the side before Hyeongjun's foot could make contact and leave a fresh bruise. Smart.

"No, we haven't," Seungmin sighed, using his hand like a shield to not have to deal with the other two squabbling again. "Hyung isn't here?"

Jiseok shook his head, confidence falling further and a bitter taste on his tongue. He'd been so prepared for some kind of confrontation that he was left deflated as a popped balloon. It wasn't fair for Jungsu to go so far off script.

A sudden downpour pelted the nearby window and the library lights flickered. Jiseok understood the feeling.

——————————

Avoiding puddles on the footpath had always been more fun with Jungsu by his side. It was a gamble for who would be pushed into one first, a game of pretending to not think about it until someone was forced into having soaked shoes, inevitably leaving them both giggling when the other did it back. Jiseok walked around them easily.

He had half a mind to be grateful that the rain had eased in the afternoon—moisture clinging to his hair without making it clump into dripping strings—but it didn't do much for his mood with the deep grey still hanging overhead. Being damp wasn't enough of a repercussion for what he'd done.

The phone in his pocket grew heavier with each step closer to home. Jiseok was fully aware that he could just message Jungsu. Any sane person would. The thing was, he was too cowardly to look at the last message—that single word haunting him ever since it was sent. He couldn't take on that burden, too. Pathetic.

"Jiseok!"

Head snapping up towards the sound of the vaguely familiar voice, Jiseok blinked in surprise when he realised he'd already made it to the front of their new neighbour's house. Or, newish, he supposed. Jiseok hadn't seen any of them since he'd fled the barbecue. It took a moment to remember Gunil's name before he jogged over from locking his car in the driveway.

"Hey," Jiseok plastered on a smile he hoped appeared genuine. "What's up?"

"I've been wanting to apologise for what happened but haven't had the chance. Glad I finally saw you," Gunil laughed awkwardly as he looked everywhere but Jiseok’s direction. "I'm so sorry. You both seemed so close I assumed you were together. Jungsu explained that you're just friends and—"

Gunil's voice fell into the background as Jiseok lost focus. Dizziness threatened to send him to his knees. What?

"He said we're just friends?" Jiseok cut off Gunil's rambling apology mid-sentence. "That's all? Nothing else?"

"Yes?" Gunil frowned, confused and thrown off balance. "Why?"

"I… I need to go. Sorry," Jiseok backed away before Gunil could say anything else. "Oh, and apology accepted. You might have just helped with something, actually."

Jiseok didn't give Gunil time to respond, sprinting across the road to his house without a proper goodbye, but he didn't really care about coming off as rude. Leaving his neighbour stunned wasn't the biggest thing to be dealing with.

Fumbling with his keys to let himself inside, Jiseok almost tripped over his own feet after leaving his wet shoes by the door, racing upstairs to his bedroom to get changed as quickly as he could. It was only when he dropped his bag and opened his closet that he hesitated. The top from that night had been hidden, but Jiseok hadn't stopped to think that so many of his other clothes weren't actually his own.

Half of the shirts were too big.

Jiseok exhaled shakily. It didn't matter. He'd made up his mind. He could do this. He had to do this.

Plucking one he knew was Jungsu's—old and worn with too many washes—from its hanger, Jiseok swallowed the saliva growing thick in his mouth contradicting the way his throat clicked dryly. Not letting himself think about the wrongness of it all, Jiseok changed out of his damp clothes to pull it over his head, grabbing a jumper to put on top so it would stop itching. It wasn't so bad if he couldn't see.

With everything in order, Jiseok went downstairs for his shoes, pulling his hood over his head in preparation to hop the fence into Jungsu's yard. He knew there wasn't any point in going around the front with his parents at work. They'd always left the back door unlocked for Jiseok, and thankfully, they hadn't changed their minds in his absence. Still, it had never felt like he was sneaking in uninvited before. Weird.

The thought that it might have been a good idea to give some notice for coming over didn't cross his mind until a plate slipped from Jungsu's fingers to smash on the floor. Jiseok hadn't expected to find Jungsu next to the sink in the kitchen, just as Jungsu obviously didn't expect him at all. They stood frozen, barely breathing in the silence, and Jiseok realised he hadn't planned this far. He hadn't prepared for how awful Jungsu would look.

Pale. Exhausted. Worn as thin as the fabric hidden beneath Jiseok's hoodie.

Did he do that?

"Why are you here?"

Jungsu's wavering voice made Jiseok blink. He wasn't supposed to sound like that. Soft and sweet. Not empty. Jiseok did that.

"You weren't at school," Jiseok mumbled the first thing that came to mind as he crept closer, the building tears burning when Jungsu didn't react. "I looked for you. You weren't there."

"No. You weren't there," Jungsu stepped over the shards, rage bubbling as Jiseok's back hit the island bench. "I know I ran, but you left. It's been so long. Why are you here, Jiseok?"

That was a good question. Did Jiseok really think it would be as easy as saying he was sorry and everything would be normal again? The whole thing was stupid, but Jungsu looking away when his tears spilled over hurt the most. He'd always wiped them from his cheeks using the fabric of his sleeves with such gentle care that being ignored was painfully jarring.

Fabric. That was it.

"You asked me something that night. I didn't understand," Jiseok sniffled, using Jungsu leaving to get the dustpan as an opportunity to take off his hoodie, placing it on the bench and untucking the top from his pants when he bent to sweep up the broken pieces of the plate. "You asked why I was wearing your shirt. I think I get it now."

"What?" Jungsu froze after turning back around from the bin, eyeing the material swimming on Jiseok's body. "What are you talking about?"

"I wear them because they're comfortable. They're big and soft and I've had them forever. They're… basically mine," Jiseok trembled when Jungsu caged him in against the bench between his arms. "Always have been. Right?"

"Right," Jungsu whispered, searching for sincerity. "But I thought you were still caught up on the brothers thing."

Eyelids fluttering closed so he could breathe with them being so close, Jiseok twisted his fingers in Jungsu's tshirt, not wanting him to be able to leave when he nodded. He opened them again when Jungsu tried, not at all liking the way his face was twisted in betrayal.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were, too," he explained, gulping when Jungu's eyebrows pinched together. "That isn't what you told Gunil-hyung, though. You said we were friends."

Cheeks flushing red, Jungsu blinked rapidly in surprise—a habit Jiseok had always found endearing without thinking much of it. It was a shame to be so clouded.

"I'm still hurt, you know," Jungsu leaned in further despite his words. "What do you want from me, Jiseok-ah?"

"Just want you back. I miss you."

Sighing heavily, Jungsu held Jiseok's wrists to pull his hands free before stepping away entirely. No.

"I need time to think," his gaze turned to the ceiling to avoid Jiseok's expression falling. "Please."

Mortified, Jiseok gripped his hoodie with a jerky nod, refusing to let Jungsu see him cry a second time. He didn't trust himself to say goodbye without his voice cracking. Jungsu didn't try to make him stay.

The rain had picked up again while Jiseok was inside, but he didn't bother putting his jumper back on before walking into it. He hoped it would wash away some of the bitterness. Mingling with his tears as he jumped the fence was good enough.

——————————

Curled on his side on the bed was better than the floor, but not by much. Jiseok's head on the pillow didn't make his chest ache less.

He was grateful that he'd at least taken the time to dry off before settling on the covers. Jiseok was certain his seams would pop if he moved again, and if he was going to unravel, he might as well not be damp for it. The idea of getting sick was far more distant. He barely felt the chill.

Stupid. All he felt was stupid.

What did he expect to happen? Have his apology be accepted, share a hug and laugh over how silly they'd been? Jungsu was hurt and it was Jiseok's fault. He had no idea what he could do without messing everything up even more. Giving Jungsu the time he'd asked for was really his only option.

Water spattering on the glass was something to cover the silence—giving Jiseok the fleeting thought to unlatch the sliding door and let it inside. Maybe flooding his room would be a decent distraction from the ice piercing his skin and splintering his bones.

Was this how Jungsu felt the whole time?

Jiseok didn't want to know. It had been so much easier to shove everything down, make it light and easier to chew on. Being draped over his body held too much weight. How could a blanket be so cold?

The prickling feeling on his arms made Jiseok fully realise he hadn't chosen a top with long sleeves. Already dumb for autumn, but it was noticing he'd unconsciously worn another one of Jungsu's that made him groan. Jiseok was beginning to wonder if anything in there was really his own. 'Basically mine' wasn't quite right, after all.

Joints snapping when he turned onto his back to look at the ceiling, Jiseok traced the imperfections as his lungs filled for what felt like the first time in hours. Would it be better if the roof collapsed? The rain would be let in either way, he supposed. Staring wouldn't make new cracks appear anywhere but his already fragile ribs, but that didn't mean much when the cage was already broken.

Inhale, fracture, exhale, repeat.

What would fall in first: building or bone? It didn't matter. He wouldn't get Jungsu back either way.

Scrubbing at his stinging eyes with a sigh, Jiseok forced himself to sit up, grimacing as each vertebrae popped. He had no idea how long he'd been laying there moping, but the sound of a door slamming against the wind and barely audible voices let Jiseok know his parents were home. That explained the darkness creeping further up the walls.

He'd just have to put the mask back on and die with a smile, no matter how fake.

——————————

Trying to seem at least somewhat normal around his family had already been difficult, but with Jungsu firmly embedded at the forefront of his mind, it was nearly impossible. Jiseok's parents had been avoiding asking questions, and thankfully, that night over an awkward dinner was no different. He had no idea how to deal with the disgust he was sure would follow his answers. There wasn't any way to put it nicely.

The rain had completely stopped by the time Jiseok trudged back upstairs, but whether that was a good or bad thing was debatable. It left too much space for silence. Flipping the switch to fill the room with light made no difference.

Jiseok had always hated the time it took between turning it on and closing the curtains—eerie to see outside bathed in shadows with the possibility of finding something that shouldn't be there. It didn't matter if he was on the second floor. Considering how much use his friends had been getting out of the ladder recently, anything was possible.

A figure hunched over on the balcony had Jiseok's heart leap into his throat. Recognising who it was when they spun around didn't thaw his limbs stuck in place. Not a monster.

He couldn't leave Jungsu out in the cold.

As if walking through mud, Jiseok made his way slowly towards the glass, an awful sense of déjà vu settling heavy in his stomach with Jungsu's wide eyes staring back. From up close, they were tinged with red.

"What are you doing?" Jiseok asked after sliding the door across enough to speak through. "It's freezing out here."

"You didn't answer your phone," Jungsu shrugged, not as nonchalant as he probably thought it was. "Figured I'd wait."

It was true that Jiseok hadn't touched his phone since he got back, but it was still stupid, and despite everything, Jungsu grinned when he told him so. Jiseok hated that he didn't hate it.

Opening the door the rest of the way with a sigh, Jiseok let Jungsu in, closing it and the curtains behind him as he took off his shoes. Jiseok wasn't the one who was supposed to be mad, but it was hard not to be when he'd been mentally preparing himself for the worst, and here Jungsu was in his bedroom just hours later. That wasn't fair.

"I, uh, didn't really plan to come over tonight," Jungsu cringed at himself when Jiseok bristled, catching his wrist before he could put further distance between them. "But I was talking to Seungmin."

"Oh?" Jiseok thought back to their conversations with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sure that went well."

"Yeah. He called me an idiot for letting you leave."

The words clicked over in Jiseok's brain as Jungsu's grip loosened to hold his fist instead, his heart thumping harder when Jungsu clasped it in both hands to bring up to his chest. His palm being flattened to feel Jungsu's heartbeat just made Jiseok want to flinch away. The whole thing was so stupidly cheesy he couldn't help laughing, sounding manic in his own ears.

"He was right to call you an idiot," Jiseok hung his head, giving up on trying to pull away. "Should've called me one, too."

"Probably, yeah," Jungsu smirked when Jiseok looked back up with a scowl, but it dropped again as he thought something over. "Should I ask this time?"

It took a second for Jiseok to understand, only made obvious by Jungsu's gaze flickering down to his lips. He had options. He was still upset. The wrongness still lingered. They couldn't go back if he gave in.

Inhale, fracture, exhale, repeat.

Fuck it.

Jiseok used his free hand to drag Jungsu down by the back of his neck, gasping when he met lips as chapped and bitten as his own, wrapping both arms over Jungsu's shoulders after he let go to hold his hips. It was difficult to not let the little voice in his mind echo louder—weird and wrong and disgusting and brothers—but melting like putty in Jungsu's palms helped drown it out.

Of course it was different from the first time. He wasn't frozen with fear or seconds from a spiral; he was trying to keep up with Jungsu kissing him harder and being pulled in close. Jiseok wasn't just giving in—he wanted, chasing Jungsu's lips when he moved away enough to speak with a pitiful whine.

"Always forget how small you are, Jiseokie," Jungsu murmured as he squeezed Jiseok's waist. "This is mine too, right?"

Whether he meant the shirt or Jiseok himself didn't matter. Jiseok had never heard Jungsu's voice so low, his eyes heavy-lidded and lips swollen, and all he could do was nod in a daze before the gap was closed again. It was too good.

He should've known it would happen, but panic zipped down Jiseok's spine when he was brought further forward, squeaking in shock at Jungsu's dick pressing against his own. Hard. They were both hard, the memory of the awful thing he'd done flashing through Jiseok's mind making him freeze up, accidentally giving Jungsu the wrong idea.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Jungsu flinched away, scrunching his eyes closed when Jiseok whimpered. "We shouldn't go that far."

"No, wait. I need to tell you something," Jiseok swallowed around the lump in his throat, dropping his forehead onto Jungsu's shoulder and willing his body to cooperate by staying away. "The morning after you left. I… made myself come… wearing your shirt. Couldn't stop myself. I'm so sorry."

"You were thinking about me?"

Jiseok let his head be lifted by a finger under his chin, surprised for a moment to find Jungsu looking so passive, but he knew him too well. There was something simmering. He had to be sure.

"Yes."

Jungsu pulled Jiseok flush against his body, the desperation Jiseok had seen beneath the surface spilling to fill his lungs, the replaced oxygen too disorienting to properly kiss him back. Jiseok couldn't move away with Jungsu's palm resting on the small of his back and the other in his hair, only able to scrabble at his shoulders as he brought their hips together, but he didn't want to.

No nausea. No sirens wailing. Just want.

As much as Jiseok would have been happy to stay that way, he wasn't at all reluctant in being guided backwards to the bed, pulling Jungsu down after settling on the pillow. Seeing him knelt between his bent legs sent a flash of guilt through Jiseok's mind—amplified by being reflected in Jungsu's expression in spite of the way he'd seemed to be fully over it—but he refused to dwell on it. Letting his eyes linger on where they were both obviously hard in their pants was enough to shake Jungsu awake.

Crawling up Jiseok's body, he hesitated for a moment before dropping down on one forearm to kiss across his jaw, using his free hand to slip under Jiseok's shirt. It wasn't to remove it, just running his palm over Jiseok's heated skin, and it took a second for Jiseok to realise it was on purpose. Jungsu didn't want it off at all.

"Why are you so—" he was cut off by a gasp when Jungu's sharp teeth grazed the side of his neck. "Possessive?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Jungsu replied after licking where he'd nipped Jiseok's skin. "You're mine."

No room for questioning. His. Jiseok was his. Daring to think the same was too much. It was all too much.

Willing the tears to stay below his lashes, Jiseok wrenched Jungsu away from where he was colouring his throat a deep purple, not caring how messy the kiss was if it covered the sound of his heart pounding against bone. Wrapping his legs around Jungsu's waist drew him closer, finally getting the friction he needed as their hips met, moaning into his mouth even with it just being through their clothes. It still wasn't enough.

"Hyung, please," Jiseok ran his hands down Jungsu's front to grab the hem of his shirt hanging loose between them. "Off."

Jiseok didn't mind keeping his, but he needed to see—to touch and feel and experience Jungsu above without it just being in his imagination. He had to cover the acidic memory of what he'd done.

Not wasting time to ask why he'd sounded so desperate, Jungsu sat back on his heels to pull it over his head, only then seeming to realise it left him half-bare. His cheeks dusted with red was what made it feel more real for Jiseok. It didn't matter if they'd gotten undressed around each other countless times in the past. It was different, and this was the Jungsu he knew. They couldn't afford to make it weird now.

"These too?" Jiseok tapped Jungsu's calf with his foot when he silently blinked back. "Pants."

Eyebrows shooting up like he hadn't thought about it, Jungsu looked away with a short nod before hooking his thumbs under his waistband. Taking in a deep breath, Jiseok did the same, not bringing his eyes back towards Jungsu until they'd both been dropped to the floor. Jungsu was still partly turned to hide himself, and even if it felt awkward, Jiseok knew what he had to do.

Pulling the shirt down to cover himself, Jiseok cleared his throat to get Jungsu's attention, waiting for his head to turn before parting his knees. Jungsu's jaw dropped when Jiseok slowly dragged it up to reveal his dick resting hard against his stomach, and he was back between his thighs almost laughably fast. Looking down had the giggle sticking like tar.

"Woah," Jiseok mumbled, more to himself than Jungsu. "Would that even fit?"

"Hey!" Jungsu glared, his face flushing even darker. "We are not going that far. Well… not today, at least… I guess? I'm sorry."

It wasn't like Jiseok had expected them to anyway, and he'd never even seriously considered bottoming before, but Jungsu getting so flustered over it was horribly endearing. Rolling his eyes, Jiseok made grabby-hands at Jungsu until he was close enough to wrap his arms around his neck, more comfortable even if they'd been brought out of the moment.

Jungsu was warmer being skin-to-skin, making it easy to fall back into sharing breaths with roaming hands, leaving Jiseok slightly dizzy until Jungsu shifted his hips down. Breaking the kiss at the feeling of a sticky trail left on his skin, Jiseok gasped when Jungsu did it again—the visual of his larger dick dragging against his own even more mind-numbing than the sensation.

What would it be like to be filled?

With the way his next exhale was so shaky by his ear, Jiseok was fairly sure Jungsu had wondered the same. Like puzzle pieces? Two halves coming together to form one whole?

Jiseok groaned at his own poor mental wording.

Would Jungsu come in his—

"I know what you're thinking," Jungsu whispered. "Another time. Whatever you want."

Whimpering softly, Jiseok nodded, too much on his mind to notice Jungsu's hand creeping towards his cock. His hips kicked up when Jungsu wrapped his fingers around it, clawing at his shoulders as he swiped his thumb over the tip, overwhelmed from never being touched that way by another person before. Jiseok hadn't ever been so slow and cautious with himself, trembling with need as Jungsu let go for long enough to spit in his palm.

"Hyung," Jiseok stuttered when Jungsu took both of them in his hand together, biting his lips to hold back a sob. "I'm sorry. I won't last."

"Don't be sorry," Jungsu pulled away from sucking another bruise on the side of Jiseok’s neck to look over his face, devastatingly earnest. "That just means I'm making you feel good, right? Why would that be a bad thing?"

Instead of verbally answering, Jiseok scrunched his eyes closed as he desperately bucked into Jungsu's fist, trying his best to kiss back when Jungsu kept his hand still to do the same. The slide was too good, grip borderline too tight and wet, too far gone to not let his whiny moans slip out as he got close.

He was vaguely aware of his shirt being pushed up out of the way before Jungsu stopped moving, Jiseok crying out as he was suddenly tipped over the edge by Jungsu's hand. Jiseok shook through it, not meaning to clamp Jungsu's body between his thighs, but keeping him close made him moan so prettily that Jiseok didn't care about the impending overstimulation.

Watching Jungsu's come mix with his own on his stomach made Jiseok's breath catch, and he was sure that would've been enough to push him over if he hadn't already. He couldn't go again so soon, but the thought was definitely still there, sending final aftershocks through Jiseok's body until Jungsu let go.

Having Jungsu's sweaty forehead pressed against his own as their heartbeats slowed was almost too intimate. Jiseok didn't want to cry—he really, really didn't—but he couldn't help the tears welling when he caught Jungsu's eyes shining more than usual after he sat up.

"Are you… okay?" Jungsu asked hesitantly as he chewed on his bottom lip. "I got your neck pretty bad. And, um, everything else."

"Think so," Jiseok grimaced when he lightly poked the bruises. "But by 'everything else' you mean feelings, don't you?"

Jungsu screwed his nose up in a way that would usually be cute, but under the circumstances, it just ached. Jiseok silently took the tissues Jungsu got out from his drawer to wipe himself down, pretending to not notice his throat bobbing when the shirt fell after getting up to put the rest of his clothes back on. The possessiveness wasn't what they needed to be talking about.

"I missed you. So, so much," Jiseok sniffled, turning his eyes to the ceiling when Jungsu reached for his hand after getting redressed. "We're going about this a bit backwards though, aren't we? And I should be asking you that."

"Well, yeah. But pretty sure it got to you more than me," Jungsu blinked rapidly as he played with Jiseok's fingers to avoid him looking back down in confusion. "It really hurt, but with the… you know… I understand."

The meaning of gesturing between them wasn't lost on Jiseok. It didn't matter if it was better left forgotten; the 'brothers' box was still clearly labelled and signed by their parents. Even after what they'd done, the lettering hadn't been rubbed away for them, either. Jiseok didn't want to crumble. He couldn't go through it again.

Jiseok tucked his face into the side of Jungsu's neck when he was pulled into his lap—the old, familiar comfort helping to keep him from shattering beyond repair—but he knew it was just as much for Jungsu's benefit. The tremors in his hands on Jiseok's sides made that more than clear. He was still calmer, and Jiseok had a feeling he'd already been thinking it over for longer than he would let on.

"How about we don't give this a name for now?" Jungsu murmured, holding Jiseok tighter when he didn't respond. "We can figure it out eventually. For now, can't we just be like… this?"

He made it sound so easy.

It wasn't. It wouldn't be.

Jiseok couldn't care less with a world's worth of emotion trying to stuff itself into his tiny body. The best he could do was nod and go limp in Jungsu's arms, knitting himself back together with the soft laugher and warmth radiating from his chest. At least for now, they were okay.

——————————

"So you fucked, then?"

Jiseok blushed at Hyeongjun being so straightforward as he adjusted his scarf to properly cover the yellowing skin around his throat. He hadn't realised just how badly Jungsu had mauled him until the next morning, and the extra day before school still hadn't gotten the bruises to heal enough to go unnoticed. It wasn't fair. Especially with three pairs of eyes fixated on him around the library table.

"I mean… yeah, kinda," he didn't see the point in lying, even if it meant their interest spiked even further. "But not, like, all the way?"

"Ah, right. Have to go through all the prep, and whatever," Jooyeon shook his head with a chuckle as he looked back down as his textbook. "Must suck to be gay."

"Jooyeon-ah," Seungmin placed his hand on his shoulder after a beat of silence. "You're gay."

"Yeah, and? That doesn't mean I'm acting on it."

The fight breaking out was immediate. Jiseok rubbed his temples with a groan, realising too late that he would've been better off keeping his mouth shut, but it wasn't like he was thinking clearly. The arms winding around his shoulders didn't take him completely off guard, at least.

"What are they arguing about this time?" Jungsu asked in a low voice to not interrupt. "Anything I should put a bet on?"

"Not this time," Jiseok giggled as he leaned further back into him. "They're fighting about what counts as acting on being gay."

"Oh? And how did that come up?" Jungsu asked closer to Jiseok's ear, smirking when he shivered. "I'm sure we can figure it out if you come over after school."

Disappearing as quickly as he'd arrived, Jiseok was left cold and dry-mouthed from Jungsu leaving. One less voice in the hushed noise brought Jiseok's attention back, finding Seungmin's fox-like eyes trained on him with a grin designed to bear sharp teeth.

"Looks like Jiseokie is gonna get to have more first-hand experience la—ow!"

Even if it was nothing compared to the emotional ones Jiseok knew he and Jungsu would inevitably have to deal with, he hoped the bruise would stay for as long as Jooyeon's. Encouragement meant they could suffer the consequences, too. Jiseok would take whatever solace he could get.

It wasn't easy. Wouldn't be easy. But he could at least share a little of the pain with the ones willing to accept it.

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