Domiporta
A Chiccolo fake dating fic | ao3
CW: cheating, kinda. Til death do you part, I say. Eventual smut. Crack fic treated semi-seriously. Seven year gap fic. MDNI
"Okay, from the top. Gohan's school thinks I have a husband who toils all day in the fields and brings in much more money than we currently make, right? And now Gohan has an out-of-town weekend trip for his mathlete finals and the school is offering to pay for boarding of immediate family because it's a good school - the kind I'm willing to lie to get the boys into, remember? - so now the school that thinks I have a husband is expecting the Son family to show support for our darling, brilliant boy because we are a good, supportive family, you follow? We are going to lie about you being my husband, Piccolo! How hard is that to comprehend!?"
"Excuse me?"
Chi-Chi cringes, the Namekian's tone more than enough to tell her that he'd heard her properly, was simply struggling to grasp the concept of what she was propositioning.
She's not faring much better, herself.
"I need a husband for the weekend."
Piccolo squints at her, jaw working uselessly around more questions than he can possibly ask all at once. He abandons them all when he can't organize them quickly enough. "You have one of those."
"Not one that's available to attend finals with me," she counters, temper flaring. Honestly, of all the issues to be found with this hair-brained scheme, accusing her of forgetting Goku is just offensive.
"And why do you need a husband to do that with you? Goku's never attended one before -."
"Because there's never been one of these before," Chi-Chi reminds him, ignoring the voice in her head alleging that he wouldn't have, even if he were alive to do so - despite their clever naming, the mathletics team were not gearing up to compete in anyway her husband would have found entertaining enough to bother attending.
"So they won't miss him," Piccolo asserts, evidently pleased with his deduction, and Chi-Chi bites back the obvious counter - that Gohan will, that he needs a father-figure there, and gods help them both, but the boy had come to view the alien as such so now he'd have to step up to the pedestal the boy had created for him.
She'd save that as her final hail Mary.
"And yet, they will. Gohan's teacher has been asking about meeting his father all year, and I -."
"Well that would be some trick."
"...She may be under the impression that he's alive."
Piccolo squints at her, the shape of the situation she's found herself in starting to reveal itself. "So explain the misunderstanding," he prompts, low voice drawing the order out into a question. Explain it to me as well.
Chi-Chi sighs. "Well, I would, but you see the misunderstanding lies very much in the fact that I fully lied to admissions about the status of my husband's livelihood. And I'm not coming clean until Goten graduates," she adds quickly, though the odds of the boy's acceptance into his brother's school seem to wane daily. As if to prove her fears, the boy in question dallies about in the den, jumping high enough to kick himself in the butt over and over, giggling each time as if it were the funniest trick in the book.
Piccolo ignores him, well-used to her youngest's antics and too distracted, besides. "And why'd you do that!?"
"Because it looked better on the application if Goku was still alive!" Chi-Chi shrieked, not understanding what was so hard about all this to grasp.. "Okay, from the top. Gohan's school thinks I have a husband who toils all day in the fields and brings in much more money than we currently make, right? And now Gohan has an out-of-town weekend trip for his mathlete finals and the school is offering to pay for boarding of immediate family because it's a good school - the kind I'm willing to lie to get the boys into, remember? - so now the school that thinks I have a husband is expecting the Son family to show support for our darling, brilliant boy because we are a good, supportive family, you follow?"
"I am not part of the Son family, the Namekian reasoned, thinking himself clever no doubt.
Chi-Chi bites back a scream of frustration, poorly. "Ugh! Why must every man in my life be so obtuse!? We are going to lie about you being my husband, Piccolo! How hard is that to comprehend!?"
"Well, think of this as a preview for how everyone else will react!" the man thundered, leaning menacingly closer as if he expected it to cow her. "No one is going to buy that I'm Gohan's father, Chi-Chi. Or Goten's," he adds when the boy comes peeling through the kitchen, his peel of laughter insultingly familiar.
But Chi-Chi hadn't gotten two children out of Son Goku without a stubborn streak a mile wide. "My second husband, then. I never specified."
The Namekian bares his fangs, displeased she has an answer for everything. "Just tell them your husband had to work."
Chi-Chi tapped her foot impatiently, able but unwilling to carry on this argument for much longer. "The fields? In January?"
"Then he had to stay home with Goten! I don't know!" He pauses then, sweetening the pot: "And I can actually do that, if you need. Stay home with the boy."
Goten choses that moment to start listening, little feet deceptively heavy as he comes running back through. "Wait! Am I having a sleepover with Mr. Piccolo this weekend!?"
"No!" Chi-Chi wags her finger at them both, unamused. "The last time you 'watched' one of my children, he came limping home on the verge of death wearing an ugly purple gi -!"
"Hey!"
"Anyway, you will both be coming along to show your support."
Goten grumbles, dragging his feet as he retreats back to the living room. She hears something about useless subjects no one will ever need in the real world, but seeing as he's just a little baby who doesn't know anything and she's still busy battling it out with Piccolo, Chi-Chi lets it slide.
"Ask Vegeta."
"Vegeta will be staying home with his own son this weekend," Chi-Chi sniffs, grateful to have a reasonable excuse not to be seen on the arm of the angry little man. "Capsule Corp. is a key sponsor of the event and Bulma will be in attendance. Ready to support our lie, might I add."
"Yamcha, then."
Chi-Chi laughs.. "Oh, right, my husband the farmer - did I mention he's also a renowned baseball star -?"
"Or Yajirobe."
Chi-Chi rounds on him so quickly she feels her neck twinge. "If you think I'll spend a full week playing nicely with that lazy -! Not to mention no one would believe anyone as proper and pretty as me could end up with -!
"I won't do it," she finishes lamely, her breath coming hard as her tantrum leaves her. Piccolo watches her fume, a purple blush blotting his cheeks, and too late she realizes what she'd implied.
Rather than address it, she chooses to illustrate her point by drawing her spine up tall, posture immaculate, and tilts her chin loftily. Deciding she's had enough of this back and forth, she pulls out her trump card as she slides the itinerary across the table to her opponent.
"The Son family, such as it is, will be going to this event in support of our beloved Gohan because it is important to him, and because it is important to the future of this family that we present a unified front." She sees the exact moment the Namekian realizes how right she is, and struggles not to gloat.
"I expect you here Thursday morning, sweetie."
A/N: idk. This is some silliness I've been writing just to keep myself sane, but there's a dearth of chiccolo fics so I figured I'd do my part. I have another fic same pairing almost completely written, lmk if anyone would be interested in that
