Marriage, the System The more Schnarch observed marriage, the more he realized it was a system unto itself. And that system has unique, built-in hurdles to happiness. Their purpose is to provide the pressure for people to grow up. Dating is one thing. As Schnarch describes it, “We date and you see only what I want you to see. I tell you some pseudo deep, dark secret and we feel close and we have sex.” But with marriage, “You may start out talking about all that deep and important stuff, but eventually it gets used up. Then we make deals: I want to spend time with the boys. You want time with your friends. We agree. But now we have used up all the things we agree about, and we are left only with the things we disagree about.” Couples become gridlocked. It provokes anxiety. But to Schnarch, therein lies the best chance most people ever get for growing up, a trial-by-fire crucible. Sue and Brandon were budding fiction writers who met at a writers’ workshop. Over the two years they dated, they passionately critiqued each other’s stories while meeting other writer friends to brood over childhood traumas and art. Sex and independent films completed the scene. Marriage was far less romantic. Working at a dental journal that he felt sapped his soul, Brandon railed at Sue when she gained 10 pounds and routinely trashed her writing. When he spent hours playing video games, Sue called him a “pedestrian loser jerk.” When one of their sons was diagnosed with ADD, Brandon screamed at Sue, “You don’t know how to discipline them.” “You’re cruel and truly damaging,” she quietly replied. Schnarch compares marital gridlock to an intricate Chinese puzzle, with each partner’s movement blocked by the other’s position. At a standstill in their relationship, Brandon and Sue began impeding each other’s dreams. One wanted a city apartment, the other a house in the suburbs. One wanted children to follow strict routines, the other wanted freewheeling fun. They would not adapt to each other, nor would they confront their own roles in the standoff. Gridlock in marriage is guaranteed. After all the late night confessionals and wild sex, after all those walks in the park and vacations with friends, after the children have gone to bed and the bills have been paid, only gridlock remains. And there’s just one road out of gridlock if you want to keep your marriage intact. You can’t communicate your way out of it. You can’t empathize your way out of it. You have to learn to soothe your own discomfort, regulate your own emotions, and pursue your own goals. To stop being a drain on your partner and to handle problems on your own. That way, says Schnarch, we “open enough space” to get closer and provide room for passionate love to return. Gridlock creates anxiety, anger, feelings of rejection, and emotional pressure, Schnarch observes. When the negative feelings become unbearable, the relationship must either change or break apart. Those who stay together must look within themselves for insight, confronting their role in maintaining the conflict. “The only solution is for one person to differentiate, moving forward and making room for the partner to grow as well.” Stung and crippled by Brandon’s critiques of her writing, Sue finally stopped showing it to him. Instead, she sent it to national magazines. They were far more accepting, and Sue met with some success whether Brandon approved or not. Brandon converted his desire to structure his children’s lives into participation in sports, an outlet they enjoyed and in which Sue was largely uninvolved. When Sue worked on a book that was almost derailed because her editor was fired, she solved the problem by finding another publisher without mentioning the crisis to Brandon. He developed a set of friends with whom he played tennis weekly. The couple thought they were just taking a break from each other, but the distance allowed them to reconnect, to be flexible in meeting each other’s needs, and to have something to talk about beyond kids and bills. Sure, differentiation is a complex feat, but Schnarch is creating an operational road map. Starting with a list of component skills first developed by Bowen—including withstanding peer pressure, collaborating with others, controlling one’s own anxiety, persevering in the face of difficulty, and changing direction when further struggle is futile or foolhardy—he has field-tested them on more than 4,000 people. The elements of maturity, he has found, cluster into four distinct if interrelated groups he calls the Four Points of Balance. One involves operating according to deeply held personal values and goals even when pressured to abandon them. A second revolves around handling one’s own inner emotional life and dealing with anxiety and emotional bruises without needing to turn to a partner for help. A third focuses on not overreacting to—but still facing—difficult people and situations. The fourth involves forbearance and perseverance in the face of failure and disappointment to accomplish one’s goals. The four groups emphasize resilience, because they also involve the ability to adapt and change direction when need be without losing track of one’s overall goals, agendas, or sense of self. - Pam Weintraub
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