December 12, 2021 - 12:11AM
Hi. Another update. Haha. It’s been a long ass time. I also started another tumblr blog but I forgot the password.
But it’s been since July 2020? Geez much has changed.
I moved out again in July 2021, with 2 of my besties. It’s been really great honestly. The rent is kind of pricey, but it is worth. I have a shitty car, but it still gets me to work.
I work now at a KBBQ place in uptown, and I really enjoy it. It doesn’t stress me out and I barely get sick. I met so many cool people there too. I know its sad to think that I am almost 26 and still working as a server, but I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to apply myself better. I really don’t strive to be this successful person. I am okay with being mediocre, and living an average life.
Of course, I am surrounded by people who want more for themselves. But I just, don’t know about myself. I do feel like such a failure as well. I don’t want to compare myself to others, but I just don’t know what else I can do. Growing up, I just never saw myself as happy or successful. So being able to have fun, and have a little bit of money right now is really great for me. I know I am not financially stable, and that I should stop partying, but I enjoy it. I didn’t grow up like this. I grew up pretty sheltered, so what if I just want to enjoy it while I can. I don’t want to try to please others, but I just can’t help but feeling like a failure. I just want to enjoy my life because I never did growing up.
Anyways, I think about my future a lot. I think about what dreams or goals that I have. And if, they are truly my dreams or just things I put into my head to try to impress the people around me. Negl, I don’t think I have any dreams or ambition. I lack a lot of stuff. I have just been so depressed my whole life, so its just hard.
I met this guy. And let me just vent about him because I feel like I am going crazy overthinking.
I met him on hinge. And, it wasn’t like I was hardcore looking for someone, and honestly I swipe like on so many guys on there, so I don’t expect much. I’ll have simple conversations with them and eventually end up not talking to them anymore. But this guy was different.
He asked me to add him on snapchat after the second I asked him “how are you” and I was just like, oh here we go again, just another boy who just wants to snap. So I added him on snapchat and snapped him first. I didn’t think too much of it, I was at work and was bored. So we would snap each other every now and then, nothing much. It was halloween weekend so I went out partying, and he was free that Sunday, but I worked. So I kind of brushed him off when he wanted to meet up. Then I went to LA for a week, so I thought we would eventually stop talking on snap, since I wouldn’t even be able to meet up with him. But we snapped occasionally as well during my LA trip, and I even told Emi that I was snapping this guy, but nothing serious or anything. Because I didn’t think we would even meet up.
When I came back from LA, i was busy working, but on one friday night, I was off. And he asked if I wanted to meet up after he met up with his friend on friday night, to get milkshakes. So I agreed because there was no other time to meet this guy in person, we were so busy with work and such.
Eventually he told me that his friend cancelled so we should grab drinks after he gets off of work. Keep in mind, he lives an hour away. So I told him lets meet at Seoul food, because I was comfortable there and I knew it was a safe spot. When I met him, I saw Tri right behind him, and I haven’t seen tri in sooo long, so I was like, sorry let me talk to this guy real quick. Haha, I was on my phone a lot because I was messaging tri. But, we went to the bar to get drinks, and he offered to pay but I paid for his because he drove all the way here. Then he paid for the next drink. I didn’t feel nervous or anything tbh. I had no expectations or feelings at this point. It was kind of awkward sometimes too.
After drinking, we went to his car to drive around, because we wanted to talk more. So we went for a drive. It was nice. Eventually he dropped me off at my car, and we were just vibing in the car, listening to music. It was until 1:30am probably.
After that, I didn’t feel much. I didn’t have much thoughts. The last time I met someone on a dating app, Justin, we talked a lot the first hangout and we just friendzoned each other. So it kind of felt similar.
Anyways, I gave him my number but he never texted me. He still continued to snap me. The next day, I worked and didn’t want to go out after work, but eventually got FOMO and wanted to go out. I went to slingshot with Amadeo, and our friends went to Slate. I found out that he was also at slate, and I told him I was at slingshot. I was kind of tipsy during slingshot and he said lets meet up after he is finished with his friends because they were going to lost & found - which was right beside slingshot. So he eventually came to slingshot, and it was SOOO awkward lmao. I stopped dancing and I wasn’t even tipsy anymore. He eventually met my friends there because I was with them. I was kind of touchy with him, I guess because I was tipsy. But we went to Amadeo’s afterwards because Brian suggested an after party. When we were at Amadeo’s, I couldn’t stop touching him. He eventually spent the night there, so I stayed there too. We were downstairs on the couch, cuddling, but I just felt so uncomfortable lmao. I had to wake up early to do a double the next morning. Geez, I can’t believe I did a double. We had plans to eat at the park after I got off of work that day, but I cancelled on him because I needed sleep, and I legit saw him twice in a row.
So yeah, we snapped more and stuff. And we planned to go to the park the next sunday after I got off of work. But then I asked if he wanted to see a movie saturday night together. In which we did, movie date. I held his hand at the movie because we were touchy already, so I thought oh, I can hold his hand. After the movie, I invited him over to my place.
We sat on the couch, talking, and drinking. Eventually we got up to go to the kitchen and I just kissed him first. We were so close to each other, so I went for it. And he told me that he wanted to do it first but he was shy lmao. He went in for another kiss, but I looked away haha.
We went back to the couch, and eventually he touched my boobs, and kissed them. So I was like, okay if we go upstairs, I am going to suck your dick. Like, I wanted to. We went upstairs after a while. And we had sex. But I was on my period, and he didn’t have a condom. But he pulled out, and only lasted like 2 seconds. Because he hasn’t had sex in 9 months, and I haven’t had sex in like 2 years. I was soo tight, and it hurt so much because it felt like I was a virgin lmao. It felt good after a while, but he came so fast so I couldn’t even enjoy it lol.
The next morning, we got plan b and ate pho together. He still agreed to meet at the park the night after I got off of work. So after work, we went to get halal food and sat at the park to eat and talk. It was a really nice night out. We were both sober and had a good conversation. I think that night was really nice, and wholesome.
Then we snapped more, and he eventually started texting me more because I told him that I didn’t like snapchat like that.
We went to seoul food again the next week. And had a good talk. I think during that time, I realized I shouldn’t fall so quickly for him. Because he has commitment issues and he doesn’t have any feelings for me like that yet.
I’m not going to explain every outing we’ve had, or every conversation. But I just can’t help but be scared. I don’t want him to lead me on, like merton did. I don’t want to be just friends with benefits when I see so much potential with him. I’m hurting already. Because i overthink, and I am just not used to talking to a guy that isn’t using me as a rebound or a body because he is lonely.
Or is he. You see, I am not sure either. I have these doubts and I am scared. He told me that he is scared that he is going to hurt me, and that just made my walls go up so high. When he said that, I just got flashbacks to Merton. How I didn’t read the red flags, and ignored them because I was lonely and needed someone. This is the same. I am lonely, once again.
I’m not sure that we will end up anything, and I just want to give up. It scares me. He can literally do the same thing that every guy has even done. And I’ll just let him.
And what if it does happen. I’ll be stronger this time to let go right? I don’t want my insecurities to ruin everything. So I will just go with the flow. And if he ends up hurting me, so be it. I always get played by guys, so what even is new.
