Chlorinated Lemonade

they/any

[chlorinated-lemonade]

How does one participate in existence and actually manipulate the material around you instead of just being part of the wave

i feel like maybe i need to pick up religion or something just so I have a plan for actually cutting through reality in a physical way. Maybe if I believe something it will become real. Which is impossible, but that's exactly why it would work. If something is possible that means it's conforming to the predetermined flow of things. Only the impossible is actually real in a meaningful way.

I really do frequently get the urge to dig through the atoms and the "real" things in front of me hoping I can peel away that layer and finally touch something tangibly true. And I swear this isn't psychosis this time i think it's just a thought pattern I've slowly developed and it gets harder to quiet every time I'm alone with my thoughts.

I just really do want to physically break things because it feels like there's truth to be gained in that but I don't wanna break my stuff because I still live under societal rules that punish that. I guess I'd rather be happy than real but sometimes it feels like the only way to be truly happy is to uncover the raw reality.

But guys you know what helps to take this feeling away? Literally most things. Because then it's like, "Oh look I just made pasta. Those noodles were hard but now they're cooked. I guess I really am an agent for change". So like maybe I should just make myself some food or wash a dish or something. Sometimes the voices get too loud though and it sends me into a full panic attack. But I feel like this is just the nature of being human and there's nothing to be done about it. Might as well make noodles in the meantime.

[technofinch]

I have GOT to stop spending $30

[chlorinated-lemonade]

Chemistry final exam tomorrow, plus critique for the final painting I was supposed to do. Currently 5:18am. Sky is getting lighter and I have not slept. I have not studied or done any work whatsoever. I feel completely and utterly trapped in my own head. I can't get out of the adhd and ocd-anxiety-schizo-whatever-it-is spiral. My brain is a constant stream of obsessive, erratic delusions perfectly crafted to make me never escape the loop. My brain is a barely operational machine that can basically just keep me alive but do nothing beyond that. I'm so ill-equipped for this. Should I even bother showing up to my finals? I don't know.

In any case it does suck that the adderall had literally 0 effect on me except maybe giving me a headache (although that could just be stress) and making me unable to sleep (again, could be just stress).

[chlorinated-lemonade]

[chlorinated-lemonade]

Chemistry final exam tomorrow, plus critique for the final painting I was supposed to do. Currently 5:18am. Sky is getting lighter and I have not slept. I have not studied or done any work whatsoever. I feel completely and utterly trapped in my own head. I can't get out of the adhd and ocd-anxiety-schizo-whatever-it-is spiral. My brain is a constant stream of obsessive, erratic delusions perfectly crafted to make me never escape the loop. My brain is a barely operational machine that can basically just keep me alive but do nothing beyond that. I'm so ill-equipped for this. Should I even bother showing up to my finals? I don't know.

In any case it does suck that the adderall had literally 0 effect on me except maybe giving me a headache (although that could just be stress) and making me unable to sleep (again, could be just stress).

[chlorinated-lemonade]

Ignore this post unless you like reading incoherent rambles I think I compulsively yap

Guys men and women are both equally capable of any human experience, emotion, or thought pattern 🗣‼️

Guys male and female brains are so so so similar and the differences between them are just averages. And the brain you are born with does not mean you are guaranteed to behave a certain way in life. Women are not more likely to be "emotional thinkers", that is such a huge overstatement and ignores cultural factors. You being born male or female does not set you up to be a certain kind of person, it does not mean you will fit in a box neatly. People are people🗣‼️

Trans people might feel like they are weird outliers, like "yes I am this gender but my experience is so different from cis people, I'm not REALLY this gender like they are". Your experience is different, but they are not a monolith either. Everyone's experience is different. If being trans makes you "less of a man/woman" because you can't relate to the other people of that gender as much then so does being neurodivergent, or being from another country, or a thousand other factors that may make you feel a divide between you and other people. There are as many genders as there are people on this earth 🗣‼️

Gender is not based on some objective standard. There's no way to be a man, woman, or whatever else. The labels we give ourselves are just blunt tools that we try to cram the human experience into. Words don't have some sort of God-given meaning. It's all contextual. It's all a construct. Guys gender is a social construct🗣‼️

"Males and females might be equal but they are inherently different"- useless statement that is unproductive in basically every context other than medical. Pointing to someone's sex as explanation for their behavior is insanely reductive. Humans are so much more complicated than that, I can't believe it's so common for people to assume that biology is that straightforward. There's like infinite different factors that make up why someone is the way they are. We're so quick to pin it on sex because misogyny has taught us that it's a reasonable thing to do. Unless you're talking about proficiency at tasks that require spacial reasoning I don't wanna hear it (and even then that's also going to vary on an individual basis)

Labels labels labels labels. "What is a woman?" I raise you what is a tree? What is a word? What is anything? You must remember language started as oogas and boogas it's never gonna be some sort of mind reading system.

Tldr: Guys actually everything is a social construct. Sexuality is a social construct, personality is a social construct, individuality is a social construct🗣‼️

[chlorinated-lemonade]

Gonna be real gang it's only a matter of time before everything becomes very evil forever but it was nice while it lasted

[chlorinated-lemonade]

I was joshing it's gonna be all good no matter what the world throws at me

[chlorinated-lemonade]

Gonna be real gang it's only a matter of time before everything becomes very evil forever but it was nice while it lasted

[chlorinated-lemonade]

When i was a child i tried to come up with a group name acronym for the cutie mark crusaders, and I came up with A. S. S. (Applebloom Sweetiebelle Skootaloo) and when I saw what word I had accidentally written on paper I felt such immense guilt and shame so I scribbled it out, ripped it up, threw it away and cried

[chlorinated-lemonade]

guys should i be a little more trans or am i too much as is

stay the same

add a little flare😜

go back to she/her, only 2 genders

Voting ended onFeb 18

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My tummy hurts on account of too much coffee :(

I may die

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I have this "friend" who i actually really hate. Not naming any names but his name starts with E and ends with indquist

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The living tombstone is really good icl

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Just had a dream that i was that wizard from sofia the first and one of the hazmat suit guys from lethal company and i hatched a conspiracy to kill the king but then we got distracted and had gay sex instead can someone interpret this for me

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Therapist canceled my upcoming appointment because she's sick, i have the perfect opportunity to kill myself when the appointment was supposed to happen so she feels eternal guilt

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I almost never have nightmares (my brain loves me too much) but when I do, they ALWAYS involve my parents

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Roommate gone you know what that means😏 (listening to tiktok no earbuds full volume)