I sit here in anger over the fact that I let him do the same mistake again- waste my time and string me along. I feel so disrespected and angry in that every time we talk about it I am hopeful that things will be different. And they sorta are, but also not.
He let's me know that we'd call at 12am. Then it becomes 1am. 2-2:30am. "Give me 20 minutes and then we'll call." He's at 2% and its been over 40 minutes since he said that. I call and no answer. I check again an hour later and see his phone is being charged and that he's active on Facebook.
This is such a fuck you to my face. I am at a point where I feel extremely disrespected and Im so tired of it. On the one hand, I dont want to give up on him. On the other hand, I am just so tired of being so angry when this happens. Im angry.
What will happen when we can talk? I'm gonna be so angry and I'm gonna start cussing him out basically because I've expressed this so many times that I am tired of him doing this to me. Then he sits there and feels guilty and says sorry. But here's the thing though- he may feel guilty in the moment, but that guilt is not enough for him to remember the next time he has a chance to make a choice of whether to do better or to mindlessly do what he's been doing, no regard for me.
I am so angry. A part of me wants to call him right now and keep calling until he answers so I can let all my anger out. However, I understand that is a bit irrational and childish so instead I sit here typing this long text out in anger. Quite frankly, I dont even think I'll be able to sleep. This is the third time I've been too angry to do my paper because of the same shit he's done.
A relationship cannot last solely on love. If that was the case, then we call those relationships toxic. Rather, a relationship needs to have respect, time, effort. These are things I feel he has lacked heavily today and has given all of that to everyone but me.
Something I question is if he truly loves me, would he disrespect me like he's been doing alot recently? Or is he simply infatuated with the idea of love because having somebody love you is a great feeling. Is it being in a relationship that he enjoys or is it me?
I asked him quite alot recently of what his mind was running when we became official because it was pretty random. The answer I got was simply "you." You in that I was the reason why he wanted to be in a long term relationship. In that I was someone he wanted to be better for.
I just dont think I see that anymore.
In that on a number of occasions I feel like it's not me, but its the benefits of being with me. Because I dont deserve this disrespect and I deserve to have someone who puts in the same effort I put in. I shouldn't be the one who has to constantly drive back and forth to go see him. Yeah, you dont have a car but you should find ways to see me rather than make me do the work all. The. Time.
You dont get to just reap the benefits of me by slapping a sorry stamp everytime you fuck up. I knew you wouldn't call me at 12am. On a Saturday night? That would be nice but its extremely unrealistic from you because when have you ever gotten back from going out at 12am? I knew this and asked to just stay on your laptop. Instead you just did whatever you wanted to do.
I am angry. But I am more hurt than anything. And I am tired of feeling this way.
