Hi, this is a text for my "delulu" fans. But actually it's just a text for my younger self, that was always in love with a celebrity, to the point of being sad for knowing she would never meet them. So i guess i could say this is purely for me, i'm just venting, trying to heal my inner child, i guess.
You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed, there is nothing wrong with developing feelings towards someone. I always felt silly for suddenly having feelings for someone that doesn't even know me, and in a way, it is kinda silly, but at the same time, it's normal.
In a conversation with a friend two years ago, I once said i was in love with a boy that doesn't even know me. She said that it was okay, and that one day at school i could create courage and ask him out. But when I said that it was someone famous, a celebrity, and lived in another country, she changed very quickly; said that i was just having a silly celebrity crush, and that it would pass, or to "join the club". It made me think what's the difference between a celebrity and a random boy in your school, besides the obvious of being a famous and unreachable person. After all, that's what they are, a person.
If I use the exemple of an idol, you have the vlogs, the episodes, a series with episodes of "how is their life", lives, interactions, behind the scenes, backstage, interviews, and little by little this admiration starts to feel like you know the person, even when deep down you know you don't. You start to notice details, even the smallest ones; how they talk when they're excited or shy, how they eat, their expression when they see something they like or dislike; their smile, the wrinkles in their eyes, how they hug someone in photos, and how they seem passionate with whatever they do, etc.
You start to see their life behind the screens more and more and then you know your delusion got worse when the admiration starts to taste like "we could be good friends in real life"š¬
Then, next thing you know, they're your safe and comfort place, you start to seek for their comfort when you're sad or happy, starts to wonder how they're such an amazing person, and how unfair is that you'll never get to meet them, or be their friend.
It's like watching a person behind a window, you know they're amazing, and lovely, caring, kind, talented, and know everything they went though, all the difficulties and tough times (at least what the media shows) and now you think of ways to make them know exactly how you feel, how you feel enamoured by even their fails, flakes and "imperfections".
You shouldn't feel ashamed for having romantic feelings towards them, feel the bubble of anxiety in the pit of your stomach every time there is a new dating scandal with very convincing pictures and facts, it's okay. This letter i'm currently writing, is me letting go of having romantic feelings for celebrities, i'll always love them, but i'm tired of being >in love<, you know?
Part of me thinks it's just a way for me to learn to be happy for them, and the future people i'm sure i'll love, and won't reciprocate my feelings, real people this time! lol
I also know that i'm being purely selfish, knowing that a person is that amazing and kind, but not wanting to share. It's like part of me is okay sharing said person with fans, but a possible partner? Here comes the anxiety! Such hypocrisy, i know. We're the type of fan that will absolutely drag and complain about the extreme delulu fans, while deep down, being one of them.š„“
In high school movies, series and etc, there's always person A, that likes and haves a massive crush on person B, but they never even talked, and person A likes B just from watching from afar, how's that different from watching a famous' life from the vlogs, eps, and etc? Well, with a school's crush you actually have the chance to talk to them, because in a way they're irrelevant and doesn't have paparazzi's up their asses, and obsessed fans; But even so, I can say that a crush on someone famous is even more understandable then the one in your school where you literally only watch them from the school desk.
The only thing that is not okay, is when the feelings evolve to anger, and suddenly you're the thing people most hate, delusional fans that attack their favs or their favs' partner, just for having a significant other.
My point is, don't feel ashamed of yourself. It's okay to seek a comfort and safe place, to love someone unconditionally even though you know they'll probably never love you the same. Part of me feels that i have these feelings for idols because one day i want someone to love me the same, that, or i'm just tired of having fake love in my life, and will dedicate my attention to those that earn it, be it famous or a random, kind and funny person i met 2 hours ago.
Why do you think people have reading obsessions? why are they workaholic? why they like so many streamers? why are they constantly watching a new netflix series? It's all an escape valve from reality, be it focusing only on work, a fictional world with fictional characters, or being in love with someone far, far away from you, that doesn't even know you exist.
God, how i am in love with a certain celebrity, but my support comes first, admiration and affection, then i can stop to think about romantic feelings and possible obsession. I am very well aware that part of my affection is just a way to escape reality, because being honest my life sucks, and being attracted to fictional characters or celebrities it's just a phase, it will pass, but until then, i refuse to feel shame towards my feelings.
It's not like i'm blindly in love with them, i know there is some type of love, which love? I don't know, but i know it's there. Would i love to hug, kiss and demonstrate my love and say everything that made me fall for them? absolutely. I'm aware that most of the times, what is shown in media may not be their real personality, but the same is when you meet someone new in a dating app or college/school, you'll never know them 100% till they decide they want to show their true personality for you. And even so, you'll find yourself giggling while exchanging texts with said person.
I will always support them, share their content, and be happy whether they get a significant other, because i know the probability of meeting them and actually hugging them, it's the same as 0. At least for me. Our life is not a typical fanfiction from wattpad.
I want to feel loved, and love, feel wanted, and don't hurt myself. I want to love from afar because part of me feels that the moment i engage in a real relationship, i will hurt myself, just like already happened before. God knows how i don't want to feel betrayed and hurt again, therefore i'm comfortable loving people that'll never love me, better a platonic love then actually loving the person, dating them, and then the whole romance and "magic" fades away.
I guess this is it, just don't feel ashamed of yourself. It's okay to love someone as much as you want to be loved one day. Because this is what it is, you want to feel loved and admired the same way you admire them, and honestly there's nothing wrong with that. You project your feelings, and when you know, months have passed and you no longer feel anxiety when there's a dating scandal or rumor. You're just happy for them.
You're a fan, not a lover. Nor a friend. Let's support, love and admire them as the best fan. After all, they're just somebody's daughter/son, just a person, just like you. They should have their boundaries respected, just like yours do too.
Maybe one day we'll meet them, and remember of the day for the rest of our lives. When they're old, married and with kids, let's remember of how they made us, fans, feel so special.
---> Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities.
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