AMERICA'S ASS

「 Christopher Robert Evans 」 RP Not real

[fpughfms]

yes, yes i have. i only agreed to the role if i could steal all the captain american fans. it is hard being this wonderful, but someone has to do it, evans. although with your return, i feel you are coming to steal my thunder.

[chrissvans]

Hey, the thunder was mine to begin with. You just came in, charmed everyone with that ridiculous talent of yours, and staged what I'm now realizing was a very successful coup. I can't even be mad. If I were in the audience, I'd probably be cheering for you too. How's it been?

[bethcolsen]

Liz: Thank Chris. I appreciate you saying that because it definitely wasn't easy. I wanted to tell all of you guys the minute I found out but he said no. Said we needed to wait and make sure the pregnancy would actually take before we got our hopes up Liz: And I definitely didn't want it to be revealed before I had a chance to say it so I sort of stayed out of the limelight until those photos emerged. Liz: I've always wanted to be a mom and as the weeks tick by, I'm getting more and more excited to meet them. I opted not to know the sex until they were born but the dad knows Liz: I'm in LA, just relaxing at my new place. I would absolutely love to see you so come over. Please. Oh and bring snacks! 🫶🏼

[chrissvans]

CHRIS: That actually makes a lot of sense. As impatient as I'm sure it made everyone, I get why the two of you wanted to protect something that precious until you felt ready. CHRIS: And I have to say, not finding out the sex until they're born? That's some serious self-control. I would've caved after about twelve minutes. I don't know how you've managed to keep that surprise intact for this long. I'm just really happy for you, Lizzie. CHRIS: I'll bring snacks. But I'm picking them, which means you're getting an unnecessary variety because I never know what people are in the mood for. Sweet, salty, chocolate, chips... maybe ice cream if I can get there before it melts. I'll text you when I'm on my way. And don't be surprised if Dodger comes too. He's got to meet his future tiny human friend eventually.

[estcrsexposito]

and rightfully so. i mean, he clearly is more handsome than you are and deserves to be the owner of the house. like, the only reason i'm a fan of yours is because of dodger. haven't even watched the captain america movies. however, did watch you pining for dakota in that movie the two of you did with pedro. maybe that counts for something ? thanks for letting me be his hiding buddy, though. we had the best time together. i volunteered because it was just a scheme to potentially steal him in the future. baby steps, cariño. i gotta make him fall in love with me first. and truth be told, i'm actually much more of a cat person. dodger really is the exception here and that's my why.

[chrissvans]

You know, I was having a perfectly nice day until you said you haven't watched the Captain America movies. Ouch. Although, I can't even be mad. I don't blame you for watching Materialists instead. Between Dakota and Pedro, you've got two very good-looking people carrying the screen. I'm just there trying to keep up. I knew it. The bad news? He's difficult to steal. The good news? His standards are surprisingly low. Give him a tennis ball, tell him he's the most handsome boy in the world, and he'll be convinced you're soulmates within the hour. I'm not surprised you're a cat person though. It explains a lot, not in a bad way. I'm choosing to believe Dodger is simply so extraordinary that he transcends the whole dog vs cat debate. He has that effect on people.

[nicole-ekidman]

Okay. I am going to try to be honest. Go ahead. –I thought you would make a serious questions but it was not a questio. it was one of the sweetest compliments. Nothing that I love more than compliments about my work, so I really appreciate it! i don't think too many people share the same opinion than you but thank you, thank you! oh my! did you like the show? tell me all your impressions about it. Scarpetta has become one of my favorite projects so far. We're actually filming the second season as we speak. and yes, put all the blame on me. I assume the responsibility but i am glad you are enjoying of some time down and even better watching something with me on it,

[chrissvans]

Well now I feel bad because I accidentally disguised a compliment as a question. Are you kidding me? I loved it. You know what I liked most? You never seem like you're acting. I forget I'm watching Nicole Kidman after about five minutes because you disappear into whoever you're playing. I sat down thinking I'd watch an episode or two, and suddenly it was dark outside and my entire afternoon had vanished. It must be exciting to film season two. Are you finding things in her this time around that you didn't the first time? Also, if you're accepting responsibility for my lack of productivity, I expect you to explain that to my agent the next time he asks why I haven't answered my phone in three hours. I'm counting on you.

[chrissvans]

Today would be the first time Chris had seen Camila since they ended things. Actually, no. It had been even longer than that. The breakup itself had happened while she was overseas, somewhere between crossed time zones, missed phone calls, and conversations that never seemed to happen at the right moment. By the time they admitted it wasn't working anymore, they were already living separate lives. They'd never gotten the chance to sit across from each other and say goodbye. He'd be lying if he said he'd imagined it happening this way. For a long time, he'd imagined an entirely different future for them. Funny how life had a habit of rewriting the plans you were so certain of. Packing her things had been harder than he'd expected. Every sweater, every forgotten book, every necklace tucked into a drawer felt like another reminder that she'd once belonged here. When he'd texted to ask where he could ship everything, he'd assumed she'd send him an address in New York. Instead, she'd asked if she could come get it herself. He'd said yes without thinking.

Now, a few hours later, he wasn't entirely convinced that had been his brightest idea. The move hadn't helped either. His real estate agent had somehow talked him into buying a condo, which still sounded absurd every time he said it out loud. Chris Evans. Living in a condo. It felt so painfully hipster LA. He wasn't sold on it yet, but it was on the top floor with private rooftop access, which meant Dodger would still have room to sprint around like the lunatic he was. The house around him looked like it was caught between two lives. Boxes were stacked against every wall, furniture wore patches where pictures and decorations had once hung, and shelves were half-empty. His office was one of the few rooms still remotely functional, though even that had become a maze of packed boxes and piles waiting to be donated. He sat behind his desk with a beer in hand, absently sorting through a stack of books he'd decided someone else would probably enjoy more than he did. Every so often, his eyes drifted to the clock. She'd be here any minute. After a quiet exhale, he reached for his phone and sent her a text. 'Feel free to let yourself in. I'm in the office and probably won't hear the doorbell. -- C' Then he set the phone face down on the desk, took another sip of his beer, and waited. / @camisfm

[lloydrysdale]

Chris Evans + premieres

[camisfm]

private: you really gave up that beautiful house for "new place, clean slate" ? yeah, that just made things feel a little too final for me too. home-wise speaking. because i know how much you loved it. and i loved it too. but thank you. for packing my stuff, i mean. you really didn't have to. you should've just called. i'm actually having some off time right now, so i could just come over and pick it up myself. saves you the trouble from shipping it over to new york. i get it if you don't wanna see me. but i've still got the keys. i could text you when i make my way over there, so you can avoid the run-in if you want to. remember that night you surprised me with them ? i'll leave them there once i'm done.

[chrissvans]

PRIVATE: I still own it. I just couldn’t keep living in it. It started feeling too big for just me and Dodger. Too much space for all the things I thought would be there by now. Kids, noise, a life that felt a little fuller than two sad idiots staring at each other across a giant kitchen. So I got a condo. Very LA of me, I know. I’ve also been thinking about going back to Boston for a while. I know you loved the house. You can still use it when you’re in town, if you want. You have time off? That might be the most shocking part of this entire conversation. I’m an adult, Camila. I don’t need to avoid you. If you want to come by and get your things yourself, you can. And yeah, I remember that night. I remember giving you those keys. I also remember them coming with your own closet space, which somehow turned into most of the closet, while I got demoted to a couple of drawers. It was funny. Annoying, but funny. And sounds good.

[chrissvans]

(text from @nikolina--dobreva): actually, yes. it was quite hard. 10/10 would not recommend it to anyone else. you're odd. has anyone told you that lately? because they probably should. my Dodggy baby. now that i know he's coming with you, i don't need you anymore. just leave the cake, wine and dog at the door and go on your merry way. you're now replaced. sometimes i ask myself why i picked you as my best male friend. you don't anything other than grief to my life. being America's ass has turned you into an ass.

(text) you're accusing me of being odd? Neens, you're as odd as they come, but that's part of your charm. You say I bring nothing but grief to your life, yet somehow you're still asking me to bring the cake and the wine. Curious. Tell you what, I will leave them at the door. Then, purely out of concern for Dodger's well being, I'll have to come inside and make sure you're giving him the proper amount of attention. You know... quality control. Besides, somebody has to remind him that I'm his favorite. I'm starting to think you're running some kind of smear campaign against me. An ass? That's cold, Dobrev, really cold. I'm just going to interpret that as me having a nice ass.

[chrissvans]

(from @nikolina--dobreva): i'm so sorry, your highness. hi. how are you? i hope you're having the most amazing day ever, sir. happy? now get here and snuggle me. also, bring cake. and maybe wine. i'm out. also also, make sure you get my bad side with the drool hanging out. it's hot.

(text) Much better. See? Was that so hard? I’m doing great now that I’ve got a very demanding shopping list to work through. Although I should let you know Dodger saw the word “snuggle” over my shoulder and has decided he’s coming too. I tried explaining this was a best friend emergency, but he wasn’t having it. He’s convinced every invitation automatically includes him. The drool hanging out is a classic. It’s practically your signature look at this point. There’s no way I’m missing the opportunity to immortalize that moment.

[chrissvans]

(from @nikolina--dobreva): christopher robin. i'm sleepy and need you to come be my pillow. you're my best friend so this shouldn't be a weird request.

(text) You know, most people start with “hey, how are you?” You skipped right to asking me to be a pillow. Fine, I’ll be there, you little menace. But if you fall asleep on me, I’m absolutely taking the least flattering picture imaginable.

[buckypascal]

Happy Birthday, Steven Grant Rogers (July 4th, 1918)

[bigdrichies]

Can I please touch your bicep?

Sure.

[chrissvans]

continued from here. CHRIS: stop. you're not a terrible friend. If anything, I'm glad you waited until you were ready to tell people. That couldn't have been an easy thing to carry, and I'm really proud of you for getting through it. You deserve every bit of this happiness. I have absolutely zero doubt you're going to be an incredible mom, Lizzie. That little one already hit the jackpot. CHRIS: I miss you too, bud! Where are you these days? Let's hang out. / @bethcolsen

[pcdropascalsx]

hold up, when did we decide on this matter? i can't remember agreeing with that, as you are infinitely cooler than i could ever hope to be. we're both on the wrong side of forty and that's why we're terrible at this planning thing. doesn't help that you're always filming all over the world and i never know were you are. however, if you're in LA, come hang out. we'll watch soccer and i'll fire up the grill. how're you doing, my friend? i miss you.

[chrissvans]

This is exactly why you're everyone's favorite. I come in here trying to humble myself and somehow I'm the one getting complimented. You're impossible. And hey, don't blame forty. I've been terrible at making plans since I was 25. Now I've just got the gray hairs to prove it. I'm actually in L.A., so I'll absolutely take you up on it. Soccer, something off the grill, and getting to sit around talking nonsense for a few hours sounds like a pretty great evening. I've been good. Doing absolutely nothing. Trying to be home a little more when I can, keeping life simple, you know me. I miss you too, buddy. How are things on your end?

[chrissvans]

I'm fully aware I'm about, what, centuries late to this party? I've had Échame la Culpa on repeat for the last few days. Don't ask me how I got there because I genuinely couldn't tell you. I have absolutely no idea what you're saying for most of it. My Spanish is hanging on by a thread. But somehow that hasn't stopped me from confidently singing complete nonsense in my car. You've successfully gotten a grown man to butcher your lyrics on a daily basis because the song is ridiculously catchy. / @dlcvatos

[estcrsexposito]

captain america here, captain america there. how tired are you on a scale of one to ten that people never go for asking how dodger is doing when trying to wrap you up in a conversation ? i mean, i don't mind doing the honors, i'm just wondering. so, how is dodger doing ? is he gonna be a fan of the upcoming firework spectacle you guys are about to do this weekend ? or is he gonna hide in the closet ? in case it's the latter, i'll gladly volunteer as his hiding bestie. that way you can celebrate and i get to hang out with a sweet, chill boy for once. / @chrissvans

[chrissvans]

Finally. Someone with their priorities in the right place. Captain America has to share the spotlight with a four-legged, much more handsome co-star. Dodger's doing great. Completely spoiled, convinced he owns the house. For the fireworks, he's definitely more of a find the best spot under the bed and pretend the world doesn't exist kind of guy. So your application to be his hiding buddy has been accepted. Congratulations. Are you volunteering because you genuinely love dogs, or is this just a scheme to steal mine?

[chrissvans]

I've accepted that you're objectively cooler than I am. It's fine. I've made peace with it. What I haven't made peace with is the fact that I can't remember the last time we actually hung out. Throw us little people a bone, would you? Let's grab a drink and pretend we're not both terrible at making plans. / @pcdropascalsx