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middle child. 23, american born chinese 👣 : nashville

[christinaani]

A little/big check in

its been months since ive gone back to see my family, today is june 12 2020 and I walk through the BNA international airport and I feel something different. I feel that eye contact is more important than ever and ive gotten good at learning to read peoples eyes with these masks on. Ive learned that I continue to use my witty mind to read people and the energies around me, whether its how someone reacts towards having to wear a mask or people who just fill life with nonsense noise. Ive also learned to tune into my own feelings after traveling and going to work and then traveling again. 

i have an even stronger awe for traveling, missing planes and just being so happy for this very moment of being able to go home and see my family. My family is healthy, strong, and so full of love. How did I truly get this lucky? I have such a strong connection with the people in my life right now and this is what ive been waiting for. From australia to realizing that there are people that no matter what will reach out and will tell you that they love you.

Fast Forward- Today I woke up and it it indeed July 1. Almost a year since I moved to this new place in Nashville, a chance for me to start my true journey to independence. Its is crazy how many things I've slowly learned to accomplish myself whether it was career or life wise. Ive met and put myself out there and challenged myself to show up every single day like I was abroad. I wanted to seize each opportunity and put as much value into myself as I could. I think I may be addicted to putting value into my life any way I can- its not a bad thing but sometimes it gets too much and I need to just exist and be gentle to myself. 

Its hard not to focus on time for myself, but I don't feel much different that it is July 1, it gives me a nice timeline for myself to reflect on where and who I was about a year ago.

I've felt slumpy, in a way and unable to get into a true creative mode. The earth just feels like a lot of nothing right now- but I need something to make me think otherwise. Im really looking forward to my road trip with Adelyn to Charleston, It will be so nice and beautiful. 

I plan to write down what I want to do/accomplish, Im constantly in a deeper mode of what do you really want to be. 

[christinaani]

June June June

Its been a little over a month since I typed my thoughts rather than writing them. I love the ability to be able to type my feelings and hit the backspace button if I want to edit the wording or rephrase a feeling, thought, or a memory. The beauty of typing has created such flexibility, it is 745pm as the sun is going down, im laying on my couch and falling back in love with my space right here in Nashville.

              The whole month of June was dedicated to travels, experiences, love, and remembering my presence in my journey. I promise myself that I do not want to act like a robot in my life, no matter how hectic life gets or work feels. It is my responsibility to protect my emotions and give myself that mental space to remember this experience and the emotions that come along with this moment. Hey remember when people tell you people will always remember how you made FEEL, well its 100% true. You need to remember how YOU feel about yourself at times too.

  Clippets from this month:

  Road tripping with my sister Allison, conversations and adventures about our life and how we have manifested and what we currently choose to create.

  Spending more time with my buddy Risa, I treated her to a birthday experience which I love doing! It is such a memorable, moment for not just one but TWO people. I took her for dinner at Sunflower Café! We got into such a deep conversation……. That we legit were getting POURED on and we simply did not care. The sky was so blue, dark, but we were in the good old summer heat under a little umbrella on the patio of this cutsy café.

  I got myself a new bike, and was able to ride into neighborhoods with my buddy Sofiya, what a freedom. We really enjoy the same outdoor activities, and that is something that will forever bond us.

    People are using their voice more than ever now, and its not a bad thing. We need to create new views, understand peoples thoughts, and try to be more KIND.

  I wish to not be so wasteful at work, however it is just hard. Its part of me to create a clean space for my patients but when there are old supplies in there, there is not always time to return them back to the stock room also it can be unsanitary. But what if it doesn’t touch the patient and it is set away from them? This is a conversation I would like to have- but lets be real no one at the hospital be trying to compost shit I guess. We got too many other issues to deal with.

  I got to go home to NJ to see my family, that was so special. It made me remember how loved and special I feel when I am with my people.

  I am in the MOOOD to podcast more- & I have good content coming out for tinitakestidying.

-xx tini

[christinaani]

***brain dump :')

Is anybody out there? **brain dump***

I don't really know who else is keeping up with my sporadic posts, but if you are out there I hope you are having a good day, mean it!

I feel like every day I am growing but this time I am truly learning to believe it even more. I am constantly stepping into new ideas, forming new connections, and having the ability to test my mentality of ‘what I can get away with’. You wont know if you dont try- I find it so important and beautiful to be able to type out my feelings and translate them onto a document. I can’t wait to just constantly be able to look back on how I was feeling in a moment, where I was and what I was always hoping for, if I was at the time. But this time, I am learning to just exist, and be still but also consider the five categories that I feel fuel my life. Health. Relationships. Creativity. Growth. & Contribution. 

  However, I can contribute. I am there. Unless I am totally in a bad mood (which is pretty rare) then I will not show up. The past 4 days have been pretty connecting and filled with love, I was able to hike a strenuous 11 mile hike with waterfalls, go on a little group field trip with Risa and her roommates which was SO MUCH FUN OMG. I actually was so happy and I felt like I was in Indonesia or something sitting under these waterfalls like a princess. Just coming to peace and making things normal with a few friends and realizing that we are all in the same boat and need each other just as much as my extrovert personality needs people. 

  I am forcing myself to try my best on staying with the simple mindset, and not just jumping to things when they are ‘free’, I realize that the time spent indulging in stupid items or free food perks takes me away from things I know I can be doing and working on within myself. It's hard trust me- but I had the thought so maybe that counts. I need to keep surrounding myself with like minded, driven, and people that think big. Whats life if you cant talk about the big things? Not the stupid purchase you made a few weeks ago- I . Dont. Care. 

  Things that are good lately: 

-Falling more in love with my space every day

-Waking up and feeling like I am in a boujee hotel lol no joke 

-Painted my side table a color that Sofiya gave me called ‘almond brittle’ HOW . ME

-a good day at the hospital 5/5

- I am going to see my friend B today, and we are going to Costco <3 <3 to split good food items because that is why we work. 

  <3

  Tini 

[christinaani]

Minimalism

3.4.20

In the midst of the last weeks of others around me/media having a 'consuming/materialistic/bulk' mindset, I'm learning to step more into the minimalism on why I did it in the first place.

I was reading back on old entries in my journal, and one patient from nursing school told me that you should always keep your raincoat full so that you can walk into whatever storm...I sat there and I thought about what 'full' meant for me. And its about not losing myself, staying true to my identity, knowing that I am loved, and capable of deserving. I am deserving of the new habits I am working on (whether its using my pull up bar, utilizing my space more efficiently, reorganizing if I feel like I need change, and looking up new foods to try and combine). 

But being in a simple space allows for me to have control, control over things that enter my environment. It also allows the flexibility I have in having this control which includes my desires to moving/rearranging like every so often, its part of my nature at this point. 

I will admit, Ive been adding and splurging on some changes while I have been more at home, so I just want to say that minimalism is a term that doesn't have a specific set of rules: more of a mindset and intentional based. So i purchased a SODA STREAM bc I can't fuel my addiction for club soda and Im also saving cans so cheers to me. I am also doing InstaCart which is a delivery grocery drop off service which is good, and the other day I went on a 10 Mile hike with my friend Alex, and it was so refreshing to be out in the woods/waterfalls. We literally hiked from 10am until about 4, he also had AN ENU so of course I set myself up. 

I had a great conversation yesterday at work with a charge nurse of mine and we talked about things from fungus eating ants, to viruses ( he watches a lot of animal planet, earthy crunchy) and opinions on COVID19. Ive been asking a bunch of nurses just to gauge on my opinion of all this and truly understanding that we are nothing without our health. Also- I started watching weird videos of how viruses are started and its actually super crazy. We also talked about how there is this layer of unknown and we aren't really supposed to be on this earth in the first place....so like is this the plan to wipe us out? Kidding, but who knows ha. All we can do is be alive in this very moment, so ya I'm going to make my presence known :) 

[christinaani]

NEEDTOBREATHE

May 18 2020

OUI-OUI-OUI

I just went on one of the most disconnected, meaningful, and hearty trip this past weekend in some time. (I may be shamed for not social distancing) but the group I went with, I had already exposed myself to when we did a waterfall a few weeks back. Also- Nashville has been letting their guards down sooner than most east coast states comparatively. It is a weird feeling seeing things open, but I am able to choose if I want to engage back with those stores and restaurants. But lately, I do not feel a need. I just am in this cycle of being in my own routine. 

It was my buddy Risa's birthday and she rented a cabin in the good old smokey mountains located around Piegon Forge the quickest, dorky, colorful little hippie hippie town. Along this trip, there was sarah, kaylie, spencer, cacy, dan, quinn, and myself. Quinn was an added attention to our trip, as he came up to us on the hike and ended up loving the company that he decided to stay with us for 2+ hours. I freakin live for stragglers that make themselves at home. (I would do the same).

Hiking, yoga, journals, hot tubs, fires, smores, musical friends <3 (thank god for cacy) and just FUCKING EXISTING is so fun when your all in it and the rest of the clan is hooked. 

My favorite moment was when we met Quinn on top of the mountain overlook and all of a sudden we were doing headstands, weird body lifts, and he was guiding us through it all (he is a yoga self taught) so it was super fun to feel like the outlook was our stage, the spectators would join in or just be. 

******

Sunday May 17th*

I forgot what it was like to be around a large group of people in some time, living alone teaches me that I am at peace within myself and my company so it was deff different. I honored myself by realizing and knowing that I did need a different space at certain times when I got overwhelmed with the company. As an extrovert, Ive realized how introverted I can feel at times and that means that I need to check in real quick with myself. It keeps me accountable. 

As the rest of them traveled to brunch, I honored myself to complete a 10 mile hike on my own and get to see the smoky mountains one last time. I drove alone which made the freedom even more free. 

I gave my hugs and said bye to everyone, and then went on. I completed the Bunion trail, it was part of the AT. I saw my first AT shelter, and spoke to a blonde 30 year old woman who was accompanied by Gus her BF and they were doing parts of the hike. I saw a lot of solo hikers as well, the trail is NEVER lonely. I am proud of myself for allowing that space, I sat up there and ate my leftovers from the weekend (which wasn't much) but it was captivating just being around HELLA mountains. 

&& now I am back in nashville with me, myself, and i. Im learning to read up on more things and wanting to absorb knowledge that Ive learned from the past weekend I've had. Im also learning to be more intuitive with what I am allowing, and trying not to be so impulsive but man its hard. but like Whateverrrrrr lol. 

Also- Follow Bianca Valle <3 She is my source of inspo at this time. she is raw and genuine and actually answers your DM's on instagram lmao, she is a holistic and positive energy. I listened to her podcast today on (@okaysis) and she talked about taking this time to be with herself and make her form of a safety net. She didn't want to rely on others, relationships, but herself. Not taking the easy way out, but knowing that at the end of the day you are all you got really spoke to me. 

You are complete & you can heal <3 

[christinaani]

Earth Day !

Happy earth day <3 <3 

(rewriting this post since my last one didn't save, I hope its as good) ugh, don't you hate when that happens :(  lesson: always copy and paste 

today marks the last day I would have been on my solo trip in san diego, however I am home. I have experienced a lot of joy with my week off, and being able to root into myself and just enjoy. I think of how I would have had equal joy being in san diego but also I've never felt more at peace just being where I am at this very moment. 

thank you earth for fueling me with all the things I need to breathe, live, and just bless my day. Im learning that I do  show up for myself every day, and that is something I am proud of. Even if I feel pressures to accomplish something for myself, or finding my WHY.  Im learning to be gentle, and just remind myself that it will take time but also if I show up for myself each and every day I continue to stay present. Sometimes if you think of what you want for the future so often, you choose to be there. So, just. be. here. 

Ive done a lot of solo hiking, walks around many neighborhoods, met random strangers on walks, dog sat, and did an incredible hike in Georgia with group of friends. Yesterday, I wet to sofiya's and we made grain bowls for all her roomates and sat by the fire. It was so nice to just be, and have that community again (they have allowed me to be the one to come by hehe) were all nurses. 

Earlier that evening, we watched Sorelle on youtube- a minimalist, free lance, healthy body who just radiates positivity. she talked about curating her passions, messing up, and lessons that she learned in her 20s. I watched her social media video specifically about how she deleted it for weeks. For myself, I am seeing myself have an unhealthy relationship with instagram. I deleted the app, and am using my own self control to just give myself a break. if I am so busy looking into others lives, how am I showing up for myself fully? I already feel clarity, and experiencing more 'boredom' but thats okay because I put my energy into other random things. It keeps the creative edge. 

Earlier this week I got some sad news. My apartment life australian couple hit a rut, and need to go back to aussie due to the unpredictability of the now. :( I am helping them sell their items on marketplace as they say bye to the US, I dont know if they will be back. But there is peace knowing that this is the best decision. I am helping them as much as I can to sell their items, as I remember being in Brisbane. I met Josie, on a boat and she quickly offered me a trip to the beach and a bbq with a family. I got to know her pretty well, and miss the shit out of her energy. But, have not reached out in a long time- its one of those connections where it was so appreciated in the moment I almost want to keep it at that. I am thinking of her though- but she treated a US foreigner like me so complete <3 

I can't wait to be a nurse again tomorrow- I miss that feeling of work contributions and my coworkers. 

be well.

& maybe write your friend a letter (or don't)

xx tini 

[christinaani]

Light therapy 🤍

[christinaani]

[christinaani]

My first solo hike, 1.5 hours away. Stepping out of my comfort zone only pushes me more ❤️

[christinaani]

At home work outs- let’s make it a thing

[christinaani]

Soft Eyes

-Hiking trail with A, 

Chaos///Silence 

reflections on the 360 life can give you.

Currently working on:

-Being a better listener. 

[christinaani]

to be.

3-13

finding gratitude more and more with everything going on in the world right now. all the things that have been canceled/rescheduled/missed opportunities are all intended for reasons of 'care', there is action being done because people care. People care about the well being of others, and that is something that we should all be grateful for- like the fact that they don't want us all to die is actually quite beautiful hah. 

I have the next 4 days off from work- and Im going to use this time to reconnect with friends, spend time with myself, read a book, and do all the things I've put on 'hold' because I wanted to go to that event or catch that flight. This negative circumstance forces us to simply just be. to hit pause on this 'busy' life (i say 'busy' because the real people will show up in life for you). 

i was just on instagram and Noah Kahan played a live acoustic version on his story and it was so authentic and nice to be reminded of his voice. I went to a concert of his when I first established myself in Nashville, and so much has fucking changed. Myself, my visions, and how I am choosing to manifest daily. 

The events going on around us- are being put on hold and all we can do is accept this. To learn to be flexible, to be adaptable because that is the beauty of life. I am learning more about myself and others through this pandemic and what it truly means to be authentic and to live a life of meaning because every day is truly so precious. I sometimes can't believe how much I enjoy living, I enjoy waking up, and feeling my feet hit the hardwood floor (sorry charles I took that quote from you lmao) but it really is true. Perspective and mind is stronger than anyone can imagine- and its the one thing we have control over when all hell breaks loose. 

****** Venting session about work ****** 3-12 ( Nursing) 

The past few days- have been filled with learning about myself through my job and emotional feeling tired from being a nurse. I had an impulsive TBI patient, and learned that I got really frustrated quickly, as he was fighting and refusing to keep his restraints on, but in that moment I did not have any control over the situation and I let my emotions take over. However, I need to remember that experience and what would I have done differently to manage my own 'burn out'? 

I am grateful for being able to actively use my mind to reflect on experiences like that, whereas that poor patient has no idea what he is doing and Its not fair for me to take his actions and turn them into frustration but as a human I am inclined to that. 

Back to the present----> I went to Kroger this morning, and I realized that a lot of people are fearful of being tied down to the unknown. All for what? Control, we have so much freedom in this freakin world and the fear of that being possibly taken away from us due to a pandemic is exhausting, and anxiety driven. However, I am still learning to live in a meaningful way- but taking precautions for safety reasons. 

I went on a hike with a friend Jenner, and realized that so many people cherish the simple things and if we can take this time to find joy in being outside whether its with friends or alone. Take those moments for yourself to slow down and just be. Followed by exploring a coffee shop and taking time to reflect on places we have been in our lives, but also both realizing we have this travel bug personality makes it hard for us to just be still at a moment like this. 

** life can always be exciting though :) sorry I never want my life to be boring. 

Side note: I was sad to cancel my Solo trip to San Diego in April and the minimalist podcast I was planning to attend. The way they delivered the news made me reconsider that this is only an inconvenience and it is okay- we need to look out and take necessary precautions. (https://www.theminimalists.com/coronavirus/) *However, the truth is now I will be able to save some money and curate more relationships and experiences right here in Nashville) 

sending so much healthy energy out into the world, we all need to take this time to love people a lil harder without the hugs & shit but srry ill still hug da crap out of my loved ones hehehe 

--- & tonight I'm going to paint with my friend risa and a random bumble bff gal, so lets take this time to be more CREATIVE and SIMPLE. 

tini 

[christinaani]

cold showers

3-25-20

In the midst of this 'chaos', I'm truly realizing that I can find peace and I am deserving of all love, people, and experiences. 

I started this morning with grabbing a few things from Walmart- since I don't feel the need to 'hoard up' on items with my whole minimalist attitude, Ive been going to the store if I do absolutely need some items for my place. To my surprise, I got a FaceTime in the parking lot from Janine who told me stories about her travel nurse position and we were able to just catch up for a little as we discussed her podcast and some ideas she had up her sleeve. She is going to be putting up a podcast on a bunch of nurses thoughts on this pandemic which I thought would be super interesting- I told her she better include me :) 

Shortly after, I FaceTime with Charles and id say we are pretty frequent flyers into each others lives. Once a week we catch up just on life, current emotions, and everything in between. He's usually doing something super spontaneous or working on himself and its so freakin admirable. 

While we were talking, he was painting an oil on canvas (on a drug oh) and we talked about the current situation of life. However, we both came to the conclusion that this has been such a peaceful time of self growth and coming to asking ourselves who we really are in the midst of this chaos. People's true colors come out at a time of uncertainty, and now is the time to reach out to those loved ones and if there ignoring you well then thats sad because we are in a god damn quarantine. TRULY therapy talking to one another, and I am so fucking grateful for that. For every single encounter and memory I was able to experience with him, and how rich we are to have a roof over our head. 

why are people NOW needing time for themselves/tips on what to do? Was it that they never checked in with themselves about who they really were in the past? What are your hobbies? Who are you? Your job title does not define you- the American way makes it easy to feel like that. Its a path that I am still trying to define for myself. We never have all the answers.

Reading of the day: Tao of Pooh and Te of Piglet- Risa bought me this for my birthday, and my friend Austin encouraged me to read it as well. I got through it and I want to finish it by the end of this month- beginning of April. 

B-

I spent the day in a park with my friend B, from figuring out crow poses to just goofing, talking about this 'quarantine' and releasing emotions together felt really good. B, gives me a sense of identity where she is able to just be present with, laugh, eat pizza at Mellow Mushy together, and strike up convos with pretty much anyone. 

(Also- she got me HOOKED on Goop Lab on netflix, I feel like I am GROWING after every episode. THIS IS GOOD. ( I never watch episodes, so this says a lot)

I am shedding into a new version of myself every day, even more in a time of now.

oh& thank you starbucks for giving free tall coffee to all front line workers, as a nurse I am proud to be making a difference, and truly feeling CONNECTION with each patient is what I am there for. Its easy to forget that among the orders from doctors, stress, but if I connect to my BREATHE I slow down and remind myself back and ground. 

** titled cold showers because I am going to try to take cold showers once a week to feel stress, and to breathe through that state *** more power to you. 

[christinaani]

[christinaani]

Plant office

[christinaani]

how i manage work/life balance

wooooooow- 3/3 completed. if someone asked me what I thought going into nursing would be like, there is not a single explanation I would have been able to give until I lived it. 

work plays an important role/time consuming role in most peoples lives if we are trying to curate the lives we want and the experiences we allow ourselves to fulfill. over the past 9 months, I listened to patients stories, laughed, teared up, and was able to hopefully affect their days in some way shape or form.

tonight 3.8 I had a patient who was in a really horrible car crash and his cousin died from it who was in the car- he had to sit in the hospital with the guilt of knowing that she was dead and the funeral was the day that I met the patient. Its really hard for me to contain my emotions when patients are upset- but it teaches me a lesson each time and to listen a bit harder to be there for him. Its not always about what you say, but just showing up and sitting with them. 

3.7- I read a patient a card from his daughter, expressing how grateful she is to not have lost her dad in a card wreck. I read the card out loud to the patient and teared up, as it was so meaningful and thoughtful and truly shows that life is so fucking fragile. 

hearing humans realize/feeling their emotions, breaking down their emotional barriers, and being on the other end of someone at such a vulnerable state truly allows me to slow down and be more present for them amidst all the ‘tasks’ that need to be completed. If i can learn to give a bit of myself more, the job will allow for me to make more meaningful relationships. 

Plus, I don't get paid enough to just go through the tasks- so why don't I try to get to the bottom of what each human can teach me along the way. 

******

after working 3 -12 hour shifts in a row, you truly realize how LOVING, GRATEFUL you are to come home to a safe space. To take each day off with grace, and to just get YOUR life back after giving so much of yourself to other humans. That is how I prevent my burnt out bum from sleeping- but to do more fucking living so that I can uncover what really is at the bottom of this all for myself and my career path. 

xx thanks for reading if u even do :) 

tini 

[christinaani]

conversations with christina

3.5.20

what grounds me, glows me, and makes me truly feel fulfilled is connecting with those around me. I've always been an extrovert, but after moving to nashville it has shown me how much of a drive and enthusiasm I have with others around me. And the coolest part? They actually want to get to know me, my story, and hang around my energy and that is one of the best compliments. Just show up. Show up whole heartily to whoever you are, whatever you are feeling that day whether its negative or positive. 

Work life balance has a new meaning to myself as I learn to take a different perspective. On my days off, I am so much more grateful for connecting to those around me since my schedule is on the hectic/ not typical 9-5 desk job. I use my time more wisely, work on myself, and then work on fulfilling my social void. A conversation with christina by 'Amy&Trent' the australian couple that dropped everything they had in Brisbane, to come to the land of Music. We discussed how when you strip away all the 'stuff' in your life, you truly realize a simple life is more rewarding and sustainable. Brisbane is what we both had in common, and our need to be heard as well. I went over their place which is minimal and adult like and I am so beyond proud of them for curating their space. And truly, they said this is the happiest and most comfortable they have felt. We had many conversations about life, jobs, work life balance, connection, and how to bring others around us in a more authentic natural state of mind. I am so grateful to have crossed paths with such humble beings that have a flutter of creative ideas to bring to our apartment/host events. I even helped them connect to other events that I felt would benefit the Octave (Our Apartment Life). Oh & I brought some white wine and they got cute chocolate covered bananas from TJs, classic nashville move... well anywhere mood. 

SO that leads to another conversation with christina, I met a guy named Bari. I went out with my friend Jenner to volunteer/ assess the tornado help situation. And I can't even begin to explain the flutter in your heart when you see the community serving others. Bari works at TJ's, so naturally i went up and yelled some "I LOVE TRADER JOES' phrase and asked him if they needed employers. He hooked me up with his manager, so I'm going to try to find a side gig there, and to be honest I know I'm the perfect employee.

conversations with christina: "SAI" my half japanese yogi buddy- we were able to sneak in some yoga & a long awaited 3 months of not seeing one another due to hectic reasons. WHAT . A . PRACTICE. thank you matt donohugh < 3 <3 

Been reconnecting with Jenner, my buddy I met at a coffee cupping. And truly, we have made plans to do more hikes and cool summer things once it gets warmer. She, herself is going through her own transitions of switching jobs and just winging it. I have faith that she will figure things out- she has a great head on her shoulders and Im just starting to get to know her better. Adult friendships are slow yet fast but happen to be one of my favorite past times, I guess that is the extrovert in me. 

It is 5:53am, and the sun is rising as it hits the city from my favorite little studio apartment. This will always be the place that I call home and where I was able to step into my adult phase. 

& Off I go to work. (Now thats work-life balance) hehe

<3

christina