Chronically Ill Pagan

Just trying to work through Ár nDraíocht Féin's dedicant study program, while dealing with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Meniere's Disease, and Narcolepsy.

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

Just a ramble... 

I have decided that to keep my sanity, that i will want to finish the DP by the time I go back to school. Which is in August.. I am almost done with a lot of it, but I still havent read 2 of the required books. I’m half way done with History of Pagan Europe, and I do enjoy the history of it, its just very dense. I find I can only read 10-20 pages at a time before my brain is just mush. *eye roll* 

I am very thankful that now i have a lot more energy, because of my arthritis shot/meds. It’s been wonderful and im able to sit and type with out my hands feeling like they have been smacked with hammers. 

I have been thinking alot about using some of this energy on making a proto-grove, but at the same time my luck with trying to do any pagan gatherings is not so good. Its not like i dont have experience planning, and organizing events. It just feels the pagans/wiccans in my town just dont want to network or get out of their comfort zones. Most of the time its very frustrating. Maybe with the name of an organization behind the meet up it would give more people confidence? Who knows. Another hang up, is if I do move for school, what will happen? I think Husband and I are the only ADF members here, and there is only like 5 of us in the state. lol Ill see. 

I have been doing much better with meditation. I had a self imposed rule that I would need to meditate for a certain amount of time, (20) minutes or it wont count. But I am forcing my stupid brain to calm down and now I do mini-meditations every day. Just stopping, and feeling the energy and the relaxing. It has been so enjoyable and I am not stressed out about it. I also printed out a short devotional to do every week, which i like but might re-write to be more me. 

Once I get the final drafts of my essays done, ill post the long versions of what I wrote. I am incapable of writing anything short and sweet, as you can see from this post and the last ones. I am not good at focusing on one facet of stone, i want to look at it all. 

Wish me luck!

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

I forget how much energy Spring holds. I love it, and always have so many things I want to do or am doing. 

One of those things, is driving 1 1/2 to testify for support of medicaid expansion. So many people showed up to support HB 425, which continues medicaid in my state. Without medicaid my medications would be, no joke ~$6,000. I could go on and on about medicaid. 

Instead, Ill share about how much fun I had at Ostara. Like normal, I waited until the day before to write up something. (internal eye roll). What was so wonderful about this high day is that it wasnt just myself and my husband attending! I made it pretty simple, because our two friends had not done an ADF style ritual and didnt want to overwhelm them. I think, that it was the first time for M to actually do a “proper” ritual. He was also our Seer, Proclaiming that the gods were going to protect us from misfortune. It also was a lot of fun. We cut it a bit short because we did it out side and it was freezing. 

I was so tired afterwards, but it was so worth it. It took me 2 days to feel like myself but know i know that I need to take a couple days after. 

As for meditation, I havent been the best. I havent forgotten and have been trying but I think I might have to just download a meditation app. Divination is fine, but i find my mind wandering, and drawing is okay but I dont seem to have the time to really get into that mind set. 

As for reading History of Pagan Europe? Ha. I just need to buckle down and do it, but that book is weird and ugh. 

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

Gods, this last week and half has been crazy. My meds have been all messed up and so I haven't had to of of them for a week. I’m not sure if its the pharmacy or the doctors office but either way it sucks. Then I have been doing art commissions for days. Doing line art with arthritis is a journey. Thank you, Lugh and Brigid because I doubt without them lending me strength i would have gotten through that. 

As for homework, I am a week ahead. I have the first 5 virtue essays done, so i just am typing them up (I use a journal most of the time, its easier on my wrists). So, I did that and the second part of the Nature awareness. Surprisingly, I knew a lot of how my city manages waste and recycling. Recycling is laughable but wastewater is dealt with wonderfully. Montana has a pretty good record of keeping the natural beauty intact. No thanks to you Ryan Zinke. 

I am hoping that being a week ahead I wont put off writing a high day ritual until the day off like the last 2 times. 😅 I love Ostara and hope it stays warm so we can do a rite outside. If not my 13 pretty big houseplants can help it feel like spring. 

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

This last week was crazy, the snow is so bad here that my arthritis medication didnt make it here. I went three days without it.. Oof. 

I have been doing my weekly studies but until today, my hands hurt too bad to type. 

Wednesday, while volunteering, i got to sit in on a spiritual wellness support group. I was worried at first since it was going to be christian based but I ended up having a wonderful time talking theology and myth with the group and discussing what spiritual health means. 

As with most things in my life, the tarot cards and my thoughts from the homework seemed to reflect what we talked about in the group. Which was moderation, and that I need to prioritize my time. Mainly, with social media. I dont spend as much time doing what I love. I know part of this is because some days, even getting dressed is hard, because of pain, fatigue or anxiety/depression, that Facebook is an easy way to disassociate from what is happening. But so is audio-books, documentaries, or music. 

This got me thinking about the dedicant oath, and how in order to really fulfill that, I need moderation. So to make more time to meditate, read History of Pagan Europe and do the necessary homework. That first step is to completely cut out facebook for the month of March, because at this point its a habit and not one that I enjoy. 

As for the meditation this week, I feel more and more that daily sketches are the way to go. Its the only time when my mind is completely clear. I can spend hours sketching and not even notice the time passing. It calms me and something I am just now realizing, that two powers meditation, and breathing mediation that is not movement based, makes me disassociate (thanks PTSD). I think that calming energy is what i really need from meditation. 

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

This week has been rough. My city got a record snowfall for February. I love snow but it also sucks the energy from me, both spiritually and mentally. Its hard to connect with nature and the land spirits when its so cold. Especially, when chronic illnesses make it very difficult to deal with the cold and snow. I hope spring comes soon here, I want to go back to enjoying nature. I do have many houseplants that if I feel really out of touch, i take time to clean their leaves, prune them or just admire them. If anyone is interested, Pothos, and Spider plants are easy enough for even a spoonie to take care of. 

In the mean time, I’m trying to focus on homework. I am a week ahead, doing Personal Religion. When I first started, I thought that I needed to stick with one hearth culture, or pantheon. It pigeon holed myself into thinking that even though deities from other paths were calling me that i still could only work with the ones that had already been calling to me. So for example, I wanted to only work with Celtic deities, mostly Brigid and Lugh because they were my patrons. Though over the last year and a half, I have heard a call from Persephone, Hecate and most of the Norse gods. Its only until recently that I have finally excepted that I don’t have to stick with only one pantheon. I am not sure how I am going to incorporate shrines to the others, since my apartment is tiny, and has very nosey cats and house spirits. I also have to take into the consideration of whether I have the energy to keep the shrines tidy and functional. I guess that is something to think on this coming week. 

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

I’m struggling with willpower these last few months. I know I have willpower. when I was 17 I decided to become a vegetarian as a new years resolution and stuck with it for 7 years. I do a lot everyday by sheer willpower but for some reason the act of trying to commit to doing daily or even weekly meditations has been crazy non-existent. 

I think it comes down to, that I want to have a certain time each day that is dedicated to it. So, like 9am everyday, or like 8pm. Im trying to force myself to stick to a schedule that is just not going to work for me. My chronic illnesses (CI for short), don’t like sticking to schedules. Flares can happen at any time and I need to accept that. 

When i sat down today, I shuffled my tarot deck and asked “where is my willpower?” I drew the Devil. I think this card sums up my struggles well. I am both bound by my physical limitations and my self-imposed ableist ones as well. I need to break from thinking I have to do things on a schedule. I need to go with the flow and just do things when I can. 

I’m going to instead, make a list of daily tasks I would like to accomplish. That way i can get to them as I feel like it and still am able to keep track of what all I want to do. 

Let’s see how this goes.  

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

#week5 is Nature Awarness and my favorite. The homework was to make a map using natural landmarks from your house to work or school but instead I drew a map of the route I walk my dog. #árndraíochtféin #dedicantpath https://www.instagram.com/p/BqxyK4lnExo/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7aeh008m5t2t

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

#week4 was a continuation of week 3, and I just worked on my essay and looked over notes about last year. #árndraíochtféin #dedicantpath https://www.instagram.com/p/BqxxDsGHDm3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=elyuzj3jgdys

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

I skipped week 2, and the First Oath because I had done it next year but also I want to renew my oath on Yule. Week 3 was Samhain and did a very simplified COoR for my friends and I. 2 of them aren't pagan, nor are they religious but wanted to be included. It was nice and simple. #árndraíochtféin #week3 #dedicantpath https://www.instagram.com/p/BqxwuqSHymG/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1doh58ef9p3xv

[chronicallyillpagan-blog]

I "started" (actually started last year but want to give it another year before i submit anything) the DP on the first of November and just now decided to create this page to document things each week. This was a fun day because I printed of the Wheel Through the Year" and it took my poor printer like 30 minutes to print it off. I have been very diligent about doing the homework each week. Even if I have been bad about meditating everyday. I think I need to try to do yogo, still meditation just isn't for me. #árndraíochtféin #dedicantpath #week1 https://www.instagram.com/p/BqxwKh_nOD1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rienkb979xqv