Hello

Sick, but I still carry the idea that I deserve to be seen, and know that I will in some way somewhere.

[chronicdiary]

On that note, I really believe the most valuable parts of ourselves are our weaknesses. Because people grow to recognize and uphold societal agendas to hide them.

[chronicdiary]

I really believe the most valuable thing we can share are our vulnerabilities. It’s because if this that it doesn’t happen often.

[chronicdiary]

I’m not really coping. I just hold on to the trauma and let it burn through my person. I wouldn’t really even say it’s altruistic or machismo, and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the slow burn process that makes me the way that I am let alone put what I’m feeling into words. I want to close the door and be locked in with a Rabid animal. A very big part of my person is synonymous with trauma. Allowing myself to entertain love and freedom feels like I’m cheating myself out of something, or that being sick didn’t teach me an important lesson. And im not sure what to make anything.

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]

you didn’t go through all that for nothing

[chronicdiary]

I sat back and learned that the isolation we were all experiencing came down to one essential thing. That someone somewhere is never doing enough of the right thing. That I, among many people, continue finding themselves in the realm of crippling vulnerability, who then are essentially being snuffed out by a community that would rather put these people on the altar of psuedosecurity. Two hundred years ago we weren’t being saintly enough, now we’ve been minimized to imperfect lifestyles that somehow I must’ve failed to control at the age of 5. I probably ate chicken nuggets and didn’t even know what a juicer was like the gluttonous irresponsible little Fuck I was. That validity and acknowledgment of suffering is the rarity and you instead would spend your life trying to explain the elementary elements of sickness rather than explore the importance of it. Nobody is infallible. I also don’t feel like I need to fucking remind people of this over the age of 10, unless, and god forbid, you have a not so uniquely impaired mental capacity that has been coddled to shit. I have had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have been sick my whole life, and up until the last four years, the growing shortcomings I had were chalked up to a personality/effort deficit rather than an illness that was forcing my brain and body to eat itself. I am dying, although very slowly, from systemic disease. The upcoming appointment will determine whether I am allowed to work towards a possible solution (surgery). If not, I will likely and inevitably be forced into a difficult and fruitless life on welfare, only to suffer and die much sooner than my peers. I want more than anything to work towards something, like school. The past four years I have hardly done anything outside of trying to prevent that, and that still isn’t enough. And I *Fucking loathe* myself for my starting a dialogue then, at the beginning were a doctor had put his hands on my shoulder, and, after making complaints of differing pupil sizes and hair growing out of my hands, said in full confidence that I was a hypochondriac, and that denying antidepressants was then denying his treatment, and that I should be far more invested in making more friends. For trying to wait until I was better to then go back and explore what happened to me. Because up until recently, I assumed I would get better. But I may not. And that’s the reality of illness. Fuck the life you gave me.

[chronicdiary]

Because I know that somehow in some way, somebody is going to ty and push me to prove how sick I am. Over. And over. And over again.

[chronicdiary]

I am not an advocate. Patient advocates are proactive and hold their health care professionals accountable. I learned to do many of their jobs for them because I knew that I couldn’t.

[chronicdiary]

I have to medicate myself just to be able to sleep or leave the house, and neither of those things are garunteed.

[chronicdiary]

Maybe the biggest part that I have to acknowledge is that instead of trying impossibly hard to salvage the things that used to make me Me, the things I used to really love and that I considered myself to be good at, I should focus my energy into just allowing myself to acknowledge the consuming illness that in reality has absorbed every bit of my energy, money, and person. And through this I can at worst be an example that no one is invincible, and at best one day become every little bit as successful as I set out to be and then hopefully more because of this adversity.

[chronicdiary]

Because any machine or animal on this planet is entitled to fault and weaknesses. To create or be something perfect is, if not entirely impossible, very very far away from where we are now.

[chronicdiary]

I had relived every terrible moment over and over just like I revisited the probability of madness and death, which was ever so slowly becoming more of inevitability. As if everything wasn’t enough.

[chronicdiary]

I don’t want to forget how I felt, but the rest of my mind and body are wanting to leave it far behind.

[chronicdiary]

I can feel the things and the people I love slipping away and I am completely helpless.

[chronicdiary]

Sickness is an evasive, isolated experience because to many, anyone or anything that vulnerable will be put into the altar of a shared pseudo security that people have built around health.

My hopes are that maybe, eventually, some will learn to stick things like disease on the list of “Things you thought you understood but really didn’t”, because little do they know, that the longer this list is, the wiser you really are.

[annieelainey]

Spoonies, raise your hands for me if you too have that existential crisis of having your youth stolen by illness. While people your age are out doing the youthful thing and you don’t have the spoons, but you really really wanna be out there with them.

[kasnas]

a post on intrusive thoughts

something my psychiatrist shared with me: he’s an old dude and he’s wise and stuff and one time he was like “katie did you read harry potter?” and i was like what do i look like a damned fool? “yes” and he was like “treat intrusive thoughts like bogarts. think of something happy. think of something beautiful. look that thought right in the eye and scream ‘RIDICULOUS!’ give it no power. show it no fear. and it’ll go away just like a bogart.” and it works. it really works. u can even think of it as magic

[beeth0ven]

There’s this myth amongst healthy people that being chronically ill exists in a vacuum. That yes, you lose your health, but everything else in life stays the same. And that’s just not even close to the truth. Being sick affects everything. Not a single aspect of life is left unchanged. 

Chronic illness changes everything- the friends you have, the food you eat, the movies you can watch, the hobbies you do, your job, your education, your family, your relationships, etc, etc, etc. 

There is no such thing as “just health,” or “just physical ability.”  Chronic illness is a malignancy, and it slithers its way into each and every aspect of a person’s life.