On the Loose
Lucifer misplaces his hat and frantically has everyone looking for it. Alastor wasn’t even part of the search party but found it anyway. He accidently startles the snake and it bites his ankle.
Michael(Visiting the hotel for the first time): Is that my brother's snake?
Alastor(High out of his mind): You a cop?
Michael: What? . . . I have no idea what that is but I am the angel of justice . . .
Alastor(Stumbles into the shadows): Damn, you are. Later, Bitch.
Michael(Stunned): . . . I . . . I don’t know what to do now.
Lucifer(Panicking): What do you mean? Go get him!
* * * *
Hours later after having no success in finding either of them, the news comes on and features a livestream revealing that Alastor took the snake along with him to let a fuckton of rats into the Vees tower.
Alastor(Live streaming with Valentino's phone while the man shrieks in the background): Hheeeyyy~ (Rambling)My friend here needed some food . . . but I heard somewhere that the food also needs to be well fed to maximize nutrients. So I let . . . a bunch of rats in here so they can get some nu . . . nutrients.
Vox(Fighting off a hoard of rats with a BDSM whip he found lying around): What does that have to do with our tower?! Get these fucking rodents out of here!
Alastor(Using the snake's tail to shush him): Shut up, Box. Rat food doesn't talk. We don’t want you stressing the rats before Missy here eats them. It could ruin the meat.
Vox(Internally pissing his pants): . . . What?
Alastor(Laying splayed out on the floor like a starfish while a circle of rats looks like they are worshipping him): (Gazing at the ceiling like a man who has stared into the eyes of god) I'm gonna tear you and your associates to shreds as you beg for — and then I'm gonna — so you — while your grieving lover weeps for your —.
Vox: . . .
* * * *
The hotel watched in horror.
Lucifer(Covering his face in exasperation): Huh . . .–
Michael(Looking to heaven with divine serenity in his eyes): I am so scared and so horny right now.
Lucifer(Disgusted): Goddammit, Michael! You're such a fucking freak!
Michael(Offended): Well, what do you expect, Lucifer?! That was so hot and I want to – up his – while I make love to his – so he screams “———” to the high heavens!
Lucifer(Ugly crying): I am genuinely so fucking embarrassed to call you my twin.
Michael(Looming over Lucifer while he lays curled up on the floor): Like you haven't done freakier shit with your wife! Remember in 1907 when we heard you both from heaven as you—!
Charlie(Ugly crying next to Lucifer): Can none of you ever just be normal?!


















