all the small things

Cheon Siwan. Nineteen. Lead Guitarist for Second Star Employed by BB Entertainment. 1x1 Roleplay Blog

[choxsubin]

( — she didn’t know what to think, what to feel. this was not how she wanted to tell him, in fact - if she had the choice he’d never have to know. she didn’t want to burden him with her child, not that minsoo was a burden, but for a widely known and busy musician it might’ve been so. her heart was racing a mile a second and she hoped that it would just give out so she wouldn’t have to go on with this grief. she lowered her head, bottom lip trembling as the corners of her eyes began to sting with fresh tears. she sucked in a breath, hiccuping almost immediately. she knew the question was coming but that didn’t mean she was prepared for it. she had gotten this far and even if it would ruin everything they had ever shared she couldn’t bear to lie to him anymore. she sucked in a quiet breath, head nodding slowly, eyes still glued to the libraries carpet. ) Yes, he is. M-minsoo is your son too. ( — shaking hands rose to cradle her face, although she was sure that was her subconscious acting to muffle her cries. ) I’m so sorry, Siwan.. I should’ve told you. Please don’t hate me. 

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- at that moment, everything seemed to fall deaf to his ears. He had a son. at nineteen, he had a son whom he had never met with his childhood friend, his best friend, and his first love all rolled into one person: subin. if siwan was to be honest with himself, he had always imagined spending his life with subin; he imagined them growing up and attending college together, graduating with their diplomas in hand, getting married some time in their mid-late twenties after securing stable jobs, and settling down with their children in a nice town house just outside of seoul. he always thought they would be together always and them being young and in love as 1st years was only the start of it. But then she suddenly disappeared without a word, only to return almost two years later with news too big to be kept to one’s self - the news that she had gotten pregnant and had their son in secret, out of reach and out of sight from siwan. despite minsoo being kept a secret away from him, however, siwan was unable to act out. he wasn’t angry nor disappointed though he exactly couldn’t say that he was ecstatic either seeing as he was still trying to process this all. instead, he felt guilty; guilty for not being their for subin when she needed him most, guilty for not being their for minsoo. if anything, siwan was angry with him. ) ...I don’t hate you. ( -- he suddenly spoke in a shaky voice, finally breaking through his stunned silence. silently, he reached over and pulled her into his chest, hugging her to help her muffle her strained sobs. ) I can never hate you, Subin... I thought I told that already. ( -- he whispered to her, his body trembling slightly as he too tried to keep himself together. ) I should be the one who’s sorry...

[choxsubin]

( — her eyes only doubled in size at the realization that she sold herself out. she began stumbling over the same syllables before tugging her hands out of his grasp, smacking the side of her face gently. ) Fuck. ( — she bit down on her lip, forcing herself to meet his gaze. ) T-t-hat’s besides the point, Siwan. ( — she figured she could put that off for another talk because his next words knocked the air out of her lungs. ) Oh, that. I-I- promised I would be honest, right? ( — she knew that if she thought about it she wouldn’t be able to own up to it so she just opened her mouth, the words practically tumbling out. ) Yes, Minsoo is my son. 

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- she was a mother. it was confirmed for him. subin really had a child - no, she had a son. and whoever was the father - was he the father? it wasn’t an impossibility, siwan thought, but he and subin only had sex once and they both made sure that they used protection. unless... shaking his head, siwan stopped his thoughts from going any further. he couldn’t make assumptions that that nor can he assume that she had a relationship with someone else while she was away. even so... finally releasing the air that was help captive in his lungs, siwan leaned back slightly, feeling the heat rush to his face from stress. before he could stop himself, loose words fell from his mouth. ) Minsoo... Is he--?

[choxsubin]

( — she found herself tapping her foot impatiently. when he grabbed her hands she could feel her stomach churn angrily. she was holding her breath, eyes staring at him helplessly. there was a whirlwind tearing through her mind, but judging from the look on his face - she could see that the same went for him. her eyes widened, not because she remembered not completely ending the call but instead she didn’t remember what she could have said. ) I-I-I didn’t? ( — she swallowed past the lump in her throat. ) W-w-what did you hear? ( — she cringed, squeezing her eyes shut. she was the type of girl to spew mindless babble while falling asleep. ) Did I tell you that I still love you? God, please just tell me, I feel like I’m going to puke. 

[chxxnsxwxn]

(-- subin’s babbling caught siwan off guard, his eyes widening at her sudden confession. ) N-No, you didn’t say anything like that. You - ( -- still in disbelief, he swallowed thickly once more. ) Wait... Do you still? ( -- he asked before realizing he was getting side-tracked and how that topic was for another time. shaking his head, he tried again. ) No, don’t puke  That night, I uh... I heard you talking to your little brother... and calling yourself his mom...

[choxsubin]

( — she smiled, mostly to hide her dismay. she could almost cry, the urge to run away at an all time high. but subin was frozen in place. she was sure that if she got up, her legs would stay stuck to the ground. her eyebrows raised at the sound of her name and that’s when her heart dropped in her chest. here comes the bad news. her mind went into overdrive, trying to think of every possible scenario. did he have a girlfriend? did he just not want anything to do with her? subin bit down on her bottom lip and nodded slowly. ) Hm? (— she scooted closer to him without realizing, the wait absolutely agonizing. ) Okay.. ( — she held in her sigh of relief. ) I’ll be honest, I don’t have anything to hide from you. Or anyone really. ( — it was a lie but she was sure he didn’t know about minsoo. )

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- when it was finally the moment of truth, siwan couldn’t find the words he wanted to say. there was so much he wanted to know and yet, something was preventing him from finding out the truth. sighing quietly, he reached for both of her hands with his own, holding them gently within his grasp. he wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but he could only hope that she wouldn’t run away over his stupid decision. ) The other night, after you ended the call with me... You didn’t end it entirely... ( -- he began slowly, carefully watching her reaction as he spoke. ) And I overheard something that I wasn’t supposed to hear... presumably... ( -- he trailed off, unsure on how to word what he wanted to actually ask. )

[choxsubin]

( — she felt as though she had been slapped across the face, hand retreating back to the haven on her lap. she swallowed thickly, eyelashes fluttering as she looked over at him. ) Yeah, worried.. My natural state. ( — she laughed awkwardly, unsure of how to hide the disappointment on her features. ) Ah, I can imagine how busy you get. I wish there was some way you’d be able to catch a small break. When you can? Aigoo, that doesn’t sound very good. ( — she chewed on the inside of her cheek. ) Oh, I was gonna ask if there’s any reason why… but if that’s normal. ( — she cocked her head. ) Drink warm milk before bed. It helps for my bab- youngest brother… but then again he’s still a baby. ( — she could feel the blood drain from her face, laughing again in hopes of covering her mistake. )

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- her disappointment was as clear as day, guilt immediately pulling at siwan’s heart at the sight of it. he didn’t mean to come off as cold towards her but- no, there was really no reason for it. he was letting his emotions get the best of him for the first time in ages. he knew he had to put himself in check, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure if he could this time. catching her mistake, siwan knew that he had to ask her sooner or later; and seeing as there will never be a proper time to bring it up, siwan figured he had to work with the chance he received. ) Subin-ah... ( -- he spoke lowly, but clear enough that he knew that only the both of them can hear. running a hand a through his locks, he hesitated briefly before continuing with what he had to say. ) ...There’s something I want to ask you - or rather, something that I need to confirm. ( -- siwan explained, his throat tightening for a moment as he gulped down the dryness within it, ) But... I need to know if you’ll be honest with me when I ask. You... will be honest with me, right?

[choxsubin]

( — she took the seat beside him, crossing her legs and leaning against the table. part of her wanted to take a good look at whatever it was that he was doing but instead she just kept her eyes on him. her lips formed a frown at the look of fatigue etched onto his features. ) Eh, it was alright - brothers were little demons but it’s nothing I’m not used to. ( — she reached forward, hand resting over his forehead. ) Are you okay? You don’t look so good… ( — there she was, worrying again. ever since giving birth to minsoo, subin - the natural worry wart - had only worsened. ) Are you resting well? Eating properly? ( — she bit down on her bottom lip. ) Sorry, I’m smothering. 

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- a faint smile quirked on his lips at hearing the other’s worry, eyes closing for a moment when he felt her hand make contact with his forehead. ) It’s fine. You’re not; you’re just worried. ( -- he reached for her hand gently and pulled it away from his forehead, his gaze now fully attentive onto her. ) I’m okay, just tired. It was a busy weekend at work. ( -- siwan explained briefly, finding no actual need to explain any further. ) I’m eating well when I can so you don’t have to worry about that. As for resting... I can’t lie. I haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of days. ( -- he chuckled helplessly though it felt like there was a heavy rock weighing down on his stomach. ) But that’s normal so again, nothing to worry about.

[choxsubin]

( — she spotted him in a corner, head immersed in a notebook? text book? she couldn’t tell from where she was standing. however, she immediately pulled out her phone, holding it up to use as a mirror. subin tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear and made sure that she looked presentable, almost getting knocked over from passerby’s trying to get into the library. she huffed and shoved her phone back into her pocket before waltzing into the library and making her way towards him. she placed her head on his shoulder, smiling gently. ) Hello stranger!

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- he was tired, the last two days being the most stressful he had in a while. along with the never ending schedules and the lack of sleep he has been getting, there was also the phone call between him and subin from the other day that had been plaguing his mind. despite him trying to reassure himself that he heard wrong, for some reason, he knew that he didn’t; he knew that he heard right and for whatever reason it was, subin wasn’t be truthful with him. but whether he wanted to know... he wasn’t sure. scribbling nonsense within his notebook that was meant for songwriting, siwan was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts when he felt a familiar presence resting on his shoulder - a more than familiar voice sounding soon after. ) Oh, hey.( -- he glanced at her briefly, returning the smile though his was a bit more hesitant than usual. although he would have preferred more time to himself to think, maybe this was his chance to ask her about the other night. motioning towards the seat next to him, he offered her to sit down. ) How did your weekend treat you?

[choxsubin]

That’s so cool — when you tell me I’ll be sure to write it down on my calender that way I won’t forget and I’ll be one of the first people to buy it! ( — she nodded even though she knew he couldn’t see it. ) Right, I won’t forget. If I want to hear your voice all I have to do is - ( — she was interrupted by the loud sound of crying, the type that occurred when woken abruptly from sleep. ) Crap. ( — subin sighed deeply and sat up. ) Gotta go, I’ll uh - talk to you some other time. Bye!! ( — she pressed over her phone randomly, tossing it to the side as she got up from her bed, rushing over to the ｃｒｉｂ. she whined cutely, leaning over the railing to pick minsoo up. ) Aigoo, did mommy wake you? ( — she kissed the fussy baby’s forehead, rocking him back and forth. ) I’m so sorry, come on — ( — she walked back over to her bed, laying minsoo down before settling beside him. ) Mommy loves you, now sleep baby. ( — his fussing eventually died down, small sounds of tiredness falling from his lips. ) 

[chxxnsxwxn]

Hm? ( -- siwan suddenly raised his head at the loud cry ringing in the background of the call, springing him into an alert state. it took him a moment to remember subin’s new baby brother, a soft sigh escaping his lips as he settled his head back onto his pillow. so much for talking like old times. then again, he couldn’t blame the little guy. ) It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later ( -- he agreed, expecting the girl to hang up on him first in her haste, only to be proven wrong. ) Hey... Subin-- ( -- he tried calling out to her, sitting up once again, only to be cut off at the sound of voice. although it was faint, there was one word that stood out loud and clear: “mommy”. mommy? it was a simple word, but it held so much meaning so suddenly; it was something that siwan couldn’t wrap his mind around. it was clearly subin’s voice, but what did she mean by “mommy”? did something happen with her mom while he wasn’t paying attention or--? ) Mommy loves you, now sleep baby. ( -- this time, siwan heard it clearly. unable to process the words, siwan’s subconciously clenched his phone with his hand, somehow managing to find the end call button. dropping his phone onto his comforter, siwan lowered his gaze and stayed silent. subin, a mother...? he must have heard wrong. no, he did hear wrong. he just needed to confirm with her the next time they speak.

[choxsubin]

Really! ( — she said a little louder than she would have liked, eyes squeezing shut as she cringed internally. subin sat up for a moment and took a glance at the corner of her room. everything was fine. with a sigh of relief she plopped back down, running her fingers through her bangs. ) I don’t just like it, I love it. Seriously, you guys are so ｄａｅｂａｋ! ( — she squeals under her breath. ) It sounds like you guys worked hard. I can’t wait for your next release. ( — she let out a soft breath, curling into a tight ball. ) No, it’s okay. I’d like to just hear the sound of your voice, if that’s okay. I’m not keeping you up, right —

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- a grin broke out on the male’s lips, amused by subin and how her voice quickly raised in both pitch and volume within her excitement though it was also obvious how she was trying to remain quiet all the while as well, making it all the more amusing. ) It means a lot hearing that from you. I promise you’ll be the first to know when the date for the next album release is decided. (-- adjusting himself on his bed, siwan flipped onto his stomach, his chin now propped on his pillow and his phone was still pressed against his ear. ) It’s definitely okay. ( -- he reassured her, his grin turning into a small smile, his voice growing soft. ) Don’t worry about it. You can hear the sound of my voice anytime you like. All you have to do is call.

[choxsubin]

( — she was waiting on him to call her out, to demand that she finish her statement for once. but when he didn’t she let out a sigh of relief, eyes fluttering shut as her shoulders relaxed. she wondered if it was out of consideration or if he really didn’t care about what she had to say. ) I did! I spent a good portion of my day listening to you guys. I even bought one of your albums! Keep Walking, I think it was… ( — she laughed gently. ) I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. ( — she huffed gently as she sat up, fingers tugging through her unruly hair. her eyes were fixated on a piece of furniture that held a very important person; a person who appeared to be sound asleep. ) I stayed away from articles and forums… oh and comments! I just enjoyed the music. My favorite song was Wake Up, ironically enough. I was listening to it a little while before I called. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep…

[chxxnsxwxn]

Really? ( -- for some reason, whether she actually did or not, just hearing her say that she had given their music a listen was enough to make siwan’s heart quicken slightly. since he first told her about second star, he was nervous about what she might think of it or whether she would even give it a chance. but hearing that she did and how she even bought an album and actually liked it... it honestly meant the world to him. ) I’m glad that you like it. We really worked hard on that album. ( -- he chuckled at the reason she provided him and merely hummed in agreement, teasing her. ) Probably. If that’s the case, then you should listen to something softer to actually help you sleep.

[byunkyuyoung]

Hyung, I’m bored! Haven’t we been studying for like seventeen hours?

[chxxnsxwxn]

More like seventeen minutes. How about this? Let’s finish the next 13 minutes and then we’ll take a break.

[chxxnsxwxn]

C’mon, I’m supposed to be helping you study. We can slack off and joke around later. Preferably after exams. (/he lightly chided the other, trying to keep a straight face while failing/)

[segawangcoffee-deactivated20150]

You had one job, Minhyuk.

[choxsubin]

Aigoo, you have a point. If I don’t reply to you for more than a few seconds feel free to hang up because I’ve fallen asleep. ( — she said with a short giggle. ) It doesn’t hurt to repeat it. You work insanely hard. You always have and at times I don’t think you even realize how hard you work yourself. It’s not healthy. ( — she sighed softly, rolling onto her back to stretch her limbs out, phone still pressed to the side of her face. ) I could never stop worrying. Even while I was miles away I… ( — she bit down on her tongue to keep herself from revealing too much. ) Uh, anyways…

[chxxnsxwxn]

( -- the line went silent for a moment, siwan being unsure of what to say as subin trailed off. despite their last meeting where harsh words were exchanged, it was obvious that they both still cared about each other... even when they refused to say it out loud. for the sake of subin's feelings though, siwan didn't press on what she meant by her words, allowing them to trail off instead. ) ... Did you happened to look up the band? ( -- he suddenly asked, trying to replace the empty silence. he didn't mean to come across as self-centered if he did. he just thought it would be better to change the subject while they could. ) Or at least the music? You said you would so I'm checking to see if you kept your promise. ( -- he lightly teased, not wanting to dwell on something that was uncomfortable for the other. )

[choxsubin]

Mhm, no idea why. It’s quite strange. ( — she whines playfully. ) Nope, it’s never happened before. I drank warm milk, took some sleeping pills, the whole nine yards and absolutely nada. Still up and kicking. I could probably run a marathon and not fall asleep. ( — she sighed a little too loudly before lifting the sheets over her head to create a small cocoon. ) I know your company and your brothers… ( — she paused. ) They’re like your brothers, aren’t they? ( — subin cleared her throat before she continued on. ) - probably expect a lot of you but be sure to focus on your own feelings and needs as well. Even if you take a small break… I’m sure you’ll still do well. 

[chxxnsxwxn]

You say that now, but watch yourself knock out in about fifteen minutes. (-- he cracked a grin, raising his arm upwards and laying back to rest his head on the palm of his hand. he stretched out his body lightly as he made himself comfortable on his bed, humming thoughtfully at her words. ) Yeah, they are. And I know that I should. They tell me the exact same thing from time to time. (-- he chuckled. ) But thanks, Subin-ah. It means a lot to know that you still worry~ (-- he grinned again with a slight smugness to his voice. )

[yxxnhtddy-blog]

Because Teddy the Chef is about to make a breakfast for all of you. Yes, yes, you’re welcome. (` —- which is not a good idea since Teddy can’t cook and the last time he tried to cook he almost burnt down the place. But Teddy somehow has a rather cheerful demeanor today, well, someone must be woken up on the right side of the bed today. Meanwhile the other seems sleepy and well— sleepy. He scoffs ) Why are you up so early, princess?

[chxxnsxwxn]

(/when teddy mentioned that he would be making breakfast for everyone, siwan opened his eyes and blinked unsure whether or not he heard right/) You sure that's a good idea? Remember the last time you tried cooking? (/siwan was pretty sure he didn't have mention that incident again seeings as it wasn't something someone would forget, but he brought it up again anyway to somehow re-convince the younger male not to attempt it again/) Well you're not exactly discreet when it comes rummaging through the kitchen. I had to wake up to see what was going on and-- are you sure it's a good idea? (/he pressed, more awake than he was a minute ago/)

[chxxnsxwxn]

(/siwan struggled to keep his eyes open as he watched the other move about within the dorm, wondering why they were up so early. he didn't think they had any schedules today, or at least, for that morning. and they weren't scheduled to go to school for a few more hours. so the reason why they were both up was beyond his comprehension at the moment/) It's six am... Why are we up again? (/he mumbled out, laying his head down on the armrest of the couch/)