Keep Dreaming

[cierraamberliewrites]

2:50am….I just miss you

[cierraamberliewrites]

I don’t hate you, I hate what you did, but I could never hate you.

I loved you too long to hate you // c.r. 4.19.24

[cierraamberliewrites]

I wish I could explain it to you.

How I am in constant fear of waiting for that other shoe to drop and you being like the rest of them. The tightness in my chest when I feel like I’m messing everything up and doing nothing right.

I’ve only ever been screamed & yelled at when something is wrong. I don’t know how to feel when you bring up some things calmly. The fight or flight is still really strong & I wonder when I’m going to have to yell back, too.

I’m still working on healing & some days it’s easier than others.

I really hope you stay.

[cierraamberliewrites]

Every time you have to leave,

I wish you would stay

[cierraamberliewrites]

Do you ever notice how far you have come and how much healing you have done? How soft you are. How happy you are.

You start to notice that you don’t want to be the woman who can’t be controlled or “tamed”, all of those quotes about, “I have a loud mouth and don’t listen”, are exactly who you don’t want to be.

If the person in my life isn’t bringing out the softness, the gentleness, or the loveliness in me, I don’t want it.

[cierraamberliewrites]

Don’t you dare ever tell them that I never loved you. I loved you with every single part of me. Every, single, one.

But please, do tell them how I slowly gave up. Begging you for that same love that I gave.

Tell them that.

cr// I’m still healing// 10.17.23

[thepersonalquotes]

““It’s okay if I’m not your favorite chapter you have written, but I hope you sometimes smile when you flip back to the pages I was still apart of.” - Unknown”

—

[cierraamberliewrites]

Trying to convince myself,

that I don’t miss you at all.

When I really do.

But you didn’t make me a priority before,

so why would you start now?

It would be the same story,

read over and over again.

So I’ll miss you

from here.

Alone.

[cierraamberliewrites]

I’ve fought those demons,

and I have won.

So trust me when I tell you,

I can help you fight yours.

They aren’t much different,

and they are already

afraid

of

me.



c.r//8.21.23

[cierraamberliewrites]

It's the year of threes and fives.

June fifth,

You would have been fifty five.

December third,

I will be thirty.

And five years ago,

at twenty five,

I never thought I would make it

to thirty.....

c.r.// 3 cheers to 5 years // 6.6.2023

[cierraamberliewrites]

If the timing is always wrong,

you'll be waiting the rest of life

for it to be right.

When the right time,

could be

right now.

5.26.23//c.r.

[cierraamberliewrites]

Healing the parts of me

That I'm afraid to even touch

But you

You aren't afraid to

And I'm still wondering

Why

How

And when

they're going to scare you

enough to walk away....

5.19//c.r.

[cierraamberliewrites]

Yet again I find myself

Too understanding

Always making excuses

But this time he's not abusive....

He's sickly sweet

And knows what to say

And how to make me feel again

But on the priority list,

I'm pretty sure I am

at the very bottom...

But he's nice, I tell myself.

And I'm nice too...

Just maybe too nice, also.

[cierraamberliewrites]

The words, etched into my skin, permanently

4.26//like a scar//c.r.

[cierraamberliewrites]

Maybe that's it,

why I get hurt so often.

So easily,

because I love.

I want everyone to feel love.

But me?

No.

I love everyone

except for myself.

4.26//c.r.

[cierraamberliewrites]

My therapist reminded me the other day, that I continue, even after all the hurt and the trauma, I get up and continue to go to work, continue to work on healing, continue to not drink, continue to become self aware, and continue to love myself.

So let the bad days, be bad days. To let myself lay in bed and let myself rest. It's hard, but it is needed.

Because tomorrow, I can continue.

[cierraamberliewrites]

That's the thing about abuse

You can get away from the abuser

but you can't get away from

the memories

4.20//c.r.