One of the last arguments I had with my ex, and the argument that made me just like ‘I have to end this, I have to get away from this person’ (I knew I didn’t want to be with him for a long time and I tried to break it off so many times but this was the thing that made me realise, I have to end this very soon, I cannot keep letting this go on) was about a bottle of vodka.
So about a year ago he and I had bought this bottle of vodka, one of those little plastic Smirnoff ones, and neither of us are big drinkers so we probably had like two drinks each and this almost full bottle had been sitting around in my room ever since. At some point I was tidying up and I put it on top of the fridge, and at some other point it fell off the fridge and was lying on the ground near the fridge for ages because I was just lazy and left it there. Eventually I was tidying up and I picked up the bottle and saw that it was empty. When it fell off the fridge the plastic lid had broken and I guess the vodka had leaked out under the fridge and evaporated. This is quite literally the most boring story ever and I can’t actually believe I am recounting it or that I have ever had any sort of conversation about it. Anyway, I threw the empty bottle away and yeah, that was that.
A few weeks later my ex was looking around the room and asked me what happened to that bottle of vodka which was weird in itself, like who even notices/cares about something like that? So I told him the above story of what had happened to that incredibly important bottle of vodka. And he didn’t believe me, he kept saying stop lying, just tell me the truth and I kept saying I’ve already told you the truth, what else can I say?! I mean, if I was hiding something and lying, wouldn’t I have been able to think up a better story than that? Anyway, he was convinced that I secretly drank it with somebody (who? I didn’t talk to anyone at that point, there was nobody to be secretly drinking vodka with. And when would I have even had time to do that, he was basically with me 24/7) and just kept accusing me of lying and telling me to tell the truth. This all somehow comes to a point where he is screaming at me, ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!’ and I’m just like, what the fuck is even happening here, I threw away an empty bottle, how did it escalate to this complete insanity?
And about a week later I asked him to leave for the hundredth time (he had moved into my house, not because I wanted him to or had invited him to but he got kicked out of his house and just ended up moving in and even though it was the last thing I wanted, it was what he wanted to do so that’s what happened), he left for about three hours and then came back and spent nine hours (yes, nine hours) knocking on my door asking me to let him in before I finally called the cops and blah blah blah and then here we are now. I just realised at some point that you cannot have a conversation with somebody who is acting like that, you can’t reason with irrationality, the more irrational he became the more I realised how unsafe I was and how I couldn’t keep waiting for a better time to end it, I had to put myself and my safety first and do everything I could to get away from him.
I think with every argument I ever had with him I was looking at it from the idea of a normal, healthy relationship. Tom and I were together for seven years, we obviously had plenty of arguments and disagreements but we loved each other and the common goal was always to just understand where the other person was coming from, to compromise and find a solution where we were both happy. But with my ex it was never about compromising or understanding the other point of view, it was baseless accusations and horrible name calling and him bringing up every single thing I had supposedly ever done wrong and the argument couldn’t end until I had admitted that I was a monster and I was 100% wrong and he was 100% right. Even when I did just agree with him, it still wouldn’t be over, he would want to just keep on and on about how awful I was and how wrong I was and how I had done all these horrible, unforgivable things (but if I ever dared to bring up anything he had done in the past, like oh I don’t know him threatening me with a knife for example, it was ‘that was so long ago, it’s in the past, you have to get over it’ etc).
There were just these little things that would happen or he would do where I would be shocked and tell him that what he had done or said wasn’t ok but somehow I would let them go. And eventually there were bigger things, like the first time he called me a bitch and slut and all these horrible names in an argument. I was shaking and just listening in complete shock, nobody had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life, I couldn’t even believe that anybody would talk to somebody like that. But somehow he apologised and acted as though he understood how wrong it was and understood that he could not speak to me like that, until the next time he did it. It just went on and on with him apologising and convincing me that he understood what I was saying and me giving him another chance and me letting all these things go until it got to a point where I couldn’t believe I was in this relationship with this awful person who did and said such horrible things to me but by that point I was stuck. I had left him before and my friends and my sister had been there for me and had taken care of me and I had told them some of the things he had done so when he ended up convincing me to get back together with him, I avoided seeing them. What could I say if I had lunch with my sister, oh yeah well forget about that time he tried to kill me because things with us are really great now! Or how could I tell my best friend the latest horrible thing he had done because she had been so amazing when I’d left him and now I’d let her down and gone back to him so, you know, told you so. I didn’t feel like I could burden anyone with how unhappy I was because I had gone back to him and I had let everyone down so I couldn’t drag them back into my mess, they didn’t deserve it.
I don’t know, I’m probably just rambling on and on. I should just be happy that I’ve left him and that I’m free and I’m starting to fix everything that he ruined. And don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be free, but there’s just so much stuff still taking up space in my head because while it was happening I was so isolated and so alone and had nobody to talk about it with except for him. And when the only person you talk to is the person who is telling you you’re always wrong and accusing you of absolute bullshit all the time and telling you that you think/feel/do things that you don’t think or feel or do.... idk I think you start to feel like you’re crazy.
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