â why was i picked  for this life full of glory? why must tragedy be the end of my story?   i want to be a hero, but i want happiness too. and heroes may win the war, but they rarely live through.  â
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@cinnc
â why was i picked  for this life full of glory? why must tragedy be the end of my story?   i want to be a hero, but i want happiness too. and heroes may win the war, but they rarely live through.  â
original
othcrhalfâ:
THE THOUGHT MAKES Robyn laugh again, but this time, thereâs more of a fondness in it than there is incredulity. They still canât imagine it, at least not properly, and they do think it foolish to picture a future where they can finally be peaceful and quiet and idyllic with the people they hold closest to them, doing mundane tasks together in a place so far from what the Capitol is, but they see the merit in it all the same. A creative exercise, as Cinna puts it. âMm, I suppose,â they say, letting go of their dance partner as they step back, the music switching into something else this time around.Â
Robyn agrees that they all deserve a holiday. A permanent one, in fact, away from constant the nightmares of this situation theyâre all living through, but theyâre not naĂŻve enough to ignore the very real fact that nothing like that will ever come without some form of sacrifice or chaos first. Deep in their heart, they fear how worse things will have to become before any real change can take place. But before they can say anything about it, Cinna has already begun to thank them for their time and the dance they had had together. Which is just as well.
âYou could never disappoint me, Cinna.â Robyn smiles gently at them, inclines their head and lets them move away first. âI hope to see you when that holiday comes.â
FIN
kaiburieâ:
Perhaps what is making Kai feel so defensive is thinking of Aven. Of her beloved best friend, the person she loves more than anyone in the world, who she has never been anything but proud of. Sheâs never liked the games, not really, not the same way some people do - she doesnât find them entertaining, in fact, sheâs always found them to be a bit.. Bloody for her tastes. But even that doesnât stop her from having pride when one of her tributes wins.Â
She hates the implications of it all, of everything Cinna is saying.Â
âI never said they mattered more.â She says, perhaps sounding a bit more upset then she means to. âAnd I donât.. I canât say I appreciate you implying that I donât feel.. Terribly sorry for all the life lost. But thatâs..â She pauses. She doesnât want to lose her cool, doesnât want to sound to hysterical. âSurely you understand. Itâs how itâs always been.â
...
Cinna knows Kai is not a bad person. Sheâs like so many other people theyâve met, people brainwashed by the propaganda the Capitol has fed people for decades. But, something Cinna has learned through experience is that people will not let go off those harmful beliefs until theyâre confronted by reality.Â
âDid I say that?â Kai is getting defensive. Good. Itâs the first step. âI understand better than anyone how the system works. Itâs been especially designed to pity all of us against each other as people root for children to be savagely murdered. Just because thatâs the way things are, it doesnât mean we must accept it.â
othcrhalfâ:
COMMUNITY. THATâS A word you never really hear being used in the Capitol. At least not in the way Cinna had used it to describe Twelve. Robyn can imagine how things are there. Theyâd gotten a sense of that in Four as well. They can barely remember much of the other districts theyâd had to visit during the odd Victory Tour, but theyâre confident the same goes for those places, too. People working together, forming stronger bonds. More dangerous, of course, especially considering the sort of world they live in, but much more meaningful too. Nothing superficial, like most of the connections Robynâs made in this city.
Or that could just be them romanticizing life outside the Capitol too much. Obviously had they been born in the districts, they wouldnât be thinking of it this way either. It likely wouldâve been drudgery to them, waking up every day knowing whatâs going to happen in the middle of the year. âIâm sure itâs beautiful. Iâd love to see it one day.â They pause. âProperly see it.â
To Cinnaâs assessment and subsequent question, though, Robyn doesnât respond right away, if only because they can sense that Cinnaâs trying to tell them something deeper here â something a little beyond what their words mean on the surface. Thereâs more outside of the Capitol; perhaps they could find some way to fit in. Robyn appreciates the sentiment, but theyâre not sure. The propagandaâs worked too well on them growing up. âI donât know if I have the patience for it. Sitting there, waiting until something bites?â They laugh at the thought. âItâs hard to imagine myself withoutâŠâ They gesture vaguely, as the current song comes to an end around them. âAll this.â But they would like to try.
...
âYou have a good point there, but you wouldnât have to fish on your own. Isnât the fun thing about fishing that you get to do it with someone so you and the people youâre with get to talk while you wait for the fish to bite?â Thatâs what Cinna thinks fishing entails, but theyâve never tried it. Truthfully, fish weird them out. Theyâre slippery and seem like they jump a lot as soon as theyâre out of the water and Cinna would hate to touch them. But what else is there to do at Four?Â
âI think it would be a good creative exercise.â They must push Robyn to picture it, to consider leaving that forsaken place before people find out about their new beliefs. âBut a holiday does sound nice, doesnât it? I think we all need one, and Four seems like the perfect place for it. Walking by the sea shore sounds much better than those ghastly arena tours people here seem to love so much.â Since the song is over, Cinna lets go off Robyn. They probably have other people theyâd like to talk to.Â
âThank you for being an unbelievable dancing partner. I hope I didnât disappoint you too much. Thereâs probably people you want to dance and talk to, so Iâll say goodbye for now.â
othcrhalfâ:
ITâS NOTICEABLE, AND frankly rather adorable, the way Cinna keeps looking down at their feet while they dance, so careful not to step on any shoes while this conversation is going on. Robyn doesnât point it out, content to simply watch and listen to her talk to them about Twelve. From Cinnaâs words, and the tone their voice takes on when they reminisce about the district, it seems he and they feel the same way about the Capitol and the places they have to go to for their jobs.
âMm, yes, I can imagine that. Iâve only had to go to Twelve for Victory Tours, but I do remember some of it,â they say. âWhat else is it that you enjoy about Twelve?â Theyâre curious to hear more, curious to compare the Twelve in Cinnaâs mind with the Four in Robynâs head, wondering if they have more similar sentiments about those places in comparison to their supposed homes here, in the Capitol.
The question about why they participate does give Robyn pause. They know Cinna means no offense by it, as direct and blunt as it does sound. Itâs a question theyâve asked themself a million times before, one they know the answer to all too well. âBecause Iâve known nothing else.â Itâs no excuse. But itâs so difficult to deviate from what youâve come to know all your life. âBecause itâs easier to do, and I donât have to think. If not that, I donât know what else Iâd be doing. Wallowing in guilt and melancholia, maybe.â They shrug, expression apologetic. ââŠSorry.â
...
âTwelve feels... Like an actual community. Is something I happened to notice the first time I visited and something I canât help but marvel at every time I am there.â Again, itâs nothing like the Capitol. Everyone is out for themselves. Real friendships are scarce. The mentality is different and Cinna canât hardly deal with it sometimes.Â
What Cinna thinks about the Capitol ties in with their previous question Robyn has yet to answer. And once the escort finally say something, Cinna canât say theyâre surprised by what they hear. They firmly believe that if they were to ask other people that donât exactly sympathize with the Capitol why they still live there, Cinna would receive similar answers.Â
âNo...â They shake their head. âNever apologize for being honest. Thank you for trusting me with that.â They guess it wasnât the easiest thing to do. âIf youâll allow me to give you some advice you didnât ask for, maybe you ought to reexamine that.â Cinna believes that someone whoâs questioning their loyalty to the regime is not safe at the Capitol, but they canât tell Robyn that, can they? They need to be creative. âYou could always learn how to fish. Youâve do know more than this life. Youâve just been led to believe you donât.â
kaiburieâ:
Clearly, Kai thinks, her words are being taken out of context. They must be, she really had only meant to be complimentary, and now, the way Cinna is talking, she canât help but think there must have been some horrible miscommunication. She frowns. Why wouldnât Cinna be proud? Sheâs never felt anything but pride when she thinks of Avenâs win, and of all the Victors from five who came after.
âIâm sorry, I truly didnât mean to - I didnât mean to upset you.â She says, trying to hide the embarrassed flush creeping up her neck. âIâm not sure why you canât feel both sorry for the tributes who.. Donât make it and pride when your own tributes win, though.â
...
âIâm not upset.â Cinna is calm as ever. Their words might be upsetting for Kai, but the tone of voice they use with her is pretty neutral. âWhat I am saying might sound harsh, because the reality of what we do is harsh. When someone wins and itâs time for them to be crowned, they climb onto that stage over the corpses of children. Children that were loved by someone. Children that will be mourned for years. Children that never got a chance to live. Youâve been led to believe that you should be proud of your victors, but have you ever asked yourself why they matter more than the tributes that didnât make it?â
hcrdcreeksâ:
It felt good just saying it, just putting the efforts out there. He doesnât know what he should be doing or how his skills could be used for changing Panem but heâs willing to help if itâs needed. Not just with Cinna but with others, too.
He nods, and it isnât wounding hearing them say his help isnât needed. Theyâre right, itâs time to move on to others and say the same. âWell thank you, at least, for lending an ear to a rattled old man like myself.â He presses his lips into a thin line, knowing thereâs going to be a lot to fight against here to try and do better, from both sides of things. âAnd good luck, in whatever it is you have planned.â
...
âYouâre not old, Slate. And old age is not something thatâs inherently bad. Sometimes wisdom comes with it.â Knowledge and experience too, which Cinna knows they have a lot of. If Slate really is determined to help, they hope he will offer his expertise not to Cinna, but to people better suited to put it to good use.Â
âPlans? All I plan is to fill my belly with almond cookies, but thank you. I hope your well wishes mean once I go back inside, the dessert table will still have some of them. But, I hope to see you again soon. Maybe Two and Twelve should host a joint afterparty?â Another clue. âWe need an improvement from our last reunion.â Cinna smiles, rising to their feet so they can return to the party before anyone notices whoâs missing.
FIN
hcrdcreeksâ:
Itâs a question that heâs never really considered very much. Not in the sense that he debates if the current living situation in Panem is ârightâ (even if that might have been his thought for a long time), but his main confidence lies in what isnât right. Slate looks down at his hands. âAll I know is itâs something different. The life I perpetuated is far from right.â
But theyâre right. If Slate wants to do the very thing thatâs been clawing at the back of his mind, heâs got to face whatever possibility comes his way. Thatâs just how it is. âYouâre right.â He nods. But itâs easiest to say that theyâre right than just doing it. He rubs his hands together nervously. âI guess⊠if you ever need help with anything⊠Iâm never really far away.â It feels monumental to him. Conspiring against the very thing heâd been groomed to protect. But it feels right. He knows it is.
...
âThatâs a good start.â No, itâs monumental. Slate and Cinna might not be friends, but they know him. His reputation is known even outside the districts people are currently aware of. He is talented, but his skills have been put to wrong use for decades and created atrocities out of seemingly innocent children. Seemingly is the keyword. Even Cinna wonders about Teal and whether they should blame nature or nurture.Â
âI appreciate the offer, but I donât need the help.â Their mission is different, something they need to do on their own. âBut, that does not mean you ought to throw your hands in the air and give up. Maybe you should talk to others, let them know you are available. You have a lot to offer to the cause, Slate.â
othcrhalfâ:
ROBYN APPRECIATES THE little comments Cinna makes as he talks, small nuggets of appreciation for even the most mundane things. Itâs so odd to them, talking about things like this; they canât remember the last time anyoneâs asked them about extremely simple yet strangely, deeply personal questions about themself. How do they do it?
âConsidered leaving?â they repeat as they slowly, gently dance together. Their mind immediately goes back to those lost weeks spent in Swannâs home in the Victorsâ Village, when theyâd come packed with their things and arrived at her doorstep, the day after the announcement of the Quell. They think about how they had considered never coming back to the Capitol, never returning to their job, simply staying there, lead some kind of simple life with her family. A foolish wish, now that he remembers it. NaĂŻve and out of touch.Â
âA few times,â they admit, unable to look at Cinna as they say this. âThe Capitolâs louder, but it⊠feels like thereâs more to do out there. More to see.â They sway Cinna a little to the side, before tilting their head over to the sea of people around them. âOutside of the Games, I just become one of them. Sink back into the social body. Parties. Shoots. Interviews. Fancy dinners.â Their voice lowers even more. âMeaningless things.â
...
Cinna canât help but look at their feet every two seconds, fearful that since all of their attention is on Robyn, they wonât notice if they step on them. Dancing is one of the few things theyâre not good at so they try to hide their worry. and look up and smile. They wonât let a nice moment become stressful.Â
âIâve considered leaving,â they reveal. âI quite like Twelve. Itâs very peaceful, and I have to admit I am obsessed with the smell.â The woods offer something the Capitol lacks despite all the luxuries that are available to them now that theyâre a celebrated stylist. âAnd, they have squirrels. The Capitol does not. They see them as vermin.â Which is a shame. There is something depressing about seeing your first squirrel when youâre well into your thirties.
âIf you think theyâre meaningless why do you participate?â They hope Robyn wonât take offense to their question. Cinna is curious, thatâs all.
favathornewoodâ:
Cinna tells her not to worry, to be herself, and Fava canât think of a clever reply. She nods weakly, her eyes downcast as she takes her final breaths in near solitude. The crowd was sure to overwhelm her; Fava has never done well in groups.
Wetting her lips, she allows her focus to return to the comfort of Cinnaâs gaze. âWe only have to get through a couple of more hours and then we can go back toâ trying to figure out what to do.â Thatâs the opposite of relaxing. Thatâs just turning stressors down to simmer instead of a full blown boil.
Thereâs more going on behind the scenes than Fava knows, of which she is certain, but asking questions has gotten her nowhere. Every response has been vague enough to set off her anger. She doesnât need to do that now.
âBe safe until then, Cinna,â she pleads, âIâll see you in the morning.â Sheâd go in for a hug, but she has to change. The Capitolâs waiting. Tick tock.
...
âDonât worry about me, Fava. Iâm always safe.â They want to say its herself and Hudson she needs to worry about, but Cinna wonât taint her evening. After one last glance at Fava, Cinna leans in and places a kiss on her cheek. Itâs very quick as they donât wish to waste more of her time since so many people are waiting for her to reappear.Â
âTry to have fun, Fava. Donât worry about whatâs to come. We have plenty of time to figure that out and resume right now. Take advantage of tonight, allow yourself to be selfish and enjoy yourself. We all need a breather, a moment to forget about the distress weâve been under for quite some time now.â One lonely night of fun will not get rid of it nor will it calm their worries, but it will surely do some good.Â
âTake care, girl on fire.â
FIN
digitalrcgeâ:
âObviously.â Unfortunately the sarcasm doesnât work as well when thereâs an ounce of truth to it. Still, this is a grave of her own making and sheâs too proud not to lie in it. So some outer district stylist knows sheâs going to give the bird a fancy napkin, itâs hardly going to hurt her charming reputation in the long run.Â
âI donât have a test.â Digit scoffs in mock indignation. Maybe she should make one, weed out the weaker candidates for her time in a more efficient manner. Maybe she does have one, and itâs being cruel until they bite back or disappear. Maybe she ought to get on top of this rumour before it gets out of hand. âWho told you that?âÂ
...
âAh, does it matter? I feel like this is one of the things I should perhaps keep to myself.â For what reason? Well, Cinna canât come up with one. Maybe theyâre trying to protect the imaginary person that told them about Digitâs test or maybe theyâre trying to keep Digit on her toes. Would be a nice change. Â
âWhat matters is... That whether there is a test or not, I believe I have passed it with flying colors given your reaction. Not going to lie, I feel pretty proud of myself.â They grin. âItâs evident Iâm having a good time, but what about you? Are you enjoying yourself?â
swannscngsâ:
She needs to get herself under control and concoct an even half-reasonable escape for her, knowing full and well â even in her current state â that doing so will result in a death sentence for her family. Itâs not a promise of their deaths but rather an expedition of them. She cemented an execution the moment she decided to take action with Plutarchâs letter, and itâs a fact she has forced herself to reckon with ever since they let her go.
Blinking once hard, then twice, Swannâs fingernails dig deeper into the skin of her thigh as she takes a deep inhale. Thereâs no time to waste. Whether cameras in this bathroom or not, thereâs certainly eyes from here to the garden. â Is there, â anther pause consumed by more rapid blinking and swallowing, â Is there an exit in the garden to a main or back road? I can meet you there, or you me. â Point being, she canât be seen with Cinna. If what the capitol wants is to maintain an image of normalcy, they wonât rip the stylist away the moment the two exit the bathroom together, but that doesnât mean they wonât meet them at, what Cinna suggests is, a private garden.
...
Before Cinna answers Swannâs question, they look around them, wanting to ensure no one is listening since they donât want other people to know about the little secret theyâre about to share with the victor. Coast is clear, so Cinna leans in. âI know how to get out of here, donât worry. But what you can do is follow the dahlias until you reach a corner. Then turn to your right.â It should be easy enough to figure out where the exit is so Cinna walks away from Swann, pretending as if theyâre not about to see her in a couple of minutes.
Besides clothes and fashion, Cinna knows a thing or two about Capitolâs architecture. Itâs part of the useful bits of knowledge they have acquired just in case. They find themselves in an alleyway by the back of the building, and with nothing to do besides stand by until Swann shows up, they rest their back against the wall and wait.
kaiburieâ:
Kai has never particularly cared for the actual games, far from it - but the spectacle surrounding it, the things before, the parties, the victory tours, all of it, thatâs what she submerses herself in.. Perhaps it helps her not think about what actually goes on. This is just another one of those things, something to distract. All of it coming out of the last district anyone would have expected.Â
âOf course, of course,â She says, mostly to agree with the stylist. âI just mean, well. Twelve doesnât usually come this far, you must understand the hand you had in that. Youâve done such amazing things with a hand that most people would be disappointed to be dealt, you know? You really ought to be proud of yourself.â She means it all to be complimentary of course, unaware of how the comments could be taken, especially by someone who clearly cares so deeply for their tributes.Â
...
Cinna thinks theyâre pretty good at dealing with Capitolites and the plethora of out of touch comments they make in their presence. They nod and smile, fake a laugh and walk away. Easy-peasy. But, there are other times when their exasperation gets the best of them. âI didnât do anything, Kai. I just did my job. I wouldnât dare to take the credit for something Fava and Hudson did when theyâre clearly victims of a system thatâs especially designed to set up kids from the outer districts for failure. The hand I was dealt with is not disappointing, far from it.â
âBut, I do think that the way youâre referring to these children is rather dehumanizing. Iâd call what Fava and Hudson did an accomplishment, but it really isnât. Historically, Twelve has been use as canon fodder given that theyâre an impoverished district whose only use was to provide easy kills. Iâm glad theyâre here with me, but I canât be proud after knowing what they had to do to survive. Itâs a source of sorrow, not pride. Maybe you ought to re-examine the way you look at things.â
hcrdcreeksâ:
He gets his refuge and Cinna takes a seat beside him. He never really thought heâd be having this kind of conversation this evening, with Cinna no less. Theyâre an exceptional designer and he always had an inkling they were a bit more radical that others, seeing what theyâd done with Fava the year before.
He clears his throat, readjusting in his seat to unbutton his jacket and leave space more open. âI want to do whatâs right for once. I want to help shift the needle in the right direction. Iâm just terrified of what thatâll bring me if I try.â
...
âAnd what do you think is right?â Cinna considers itâs important to ask him this, figure out where his loyalties lie and if there is a reason why he seems to be dropping the indoctrination the Capitol has worked so hard to instill on people.Â
âI canât tell you much.â Just like with Robyn, they wish they could be more honest but theyâve been taught to be careful of what comes out of their mouth. âI also canât promise you that this wonât be a source of stress. I must confess itâs quite the miracle Iâm not a chain-smoker.â A chuckle. âThis kind of life is tough, and there is the possibility of suffering for our choices. But, if youâre not willing to deal with the consequences of your actions, then youâre still not ready to do whatâs right.â
othcrhalfâ:
âTHANK YOU,â ROBYN smiles, flattered but a little sheepish. Itâs no exaggeration to say that theyâve forgotten how to take compliments now ( genuine ones, not on-the-fly or off-the-cuff ones from whoever ), having spent so much of the past months wallowing in their own misery and self-pity. They mentally wave it away and focus on Cinnaâs other comments instead.
âSunrises, yes. I love waking early. Start of a new day and all that. The view is good too.â Robyn canât help but flush a little at how much theyâre talking about themself and their interests; theyâre surprised that Cinnaâs turned the tables back on them so quickly. Itâs certainly not the sort of conversation theyâre used to having, but they suppose itâs important to be open to people theyâd like to consider friends. âAnd⊠I donât really know. Life is much simpler there, and itâs⊠picturesque and beautiful, but I doubt Iâd survive for too long. Iâm too used to the way things are here.â
...
âHm, couldnât be me.â Maybe they got a lot to learn from Robyn. Time an time again, Cinna has been lectured about their sleeping habits but theyâve always shrugged it all off. âSimpler.â They repeat, humming in though as images of Twelve come to mind. They certainly like the District much more than the Capitol, but that shouldnât be a surprise. The people there are more genuine, donât bother playing the mind games people in the Capitol seem to love so much. And it smells much better too.Â
âSounds to me like youâve considered leaving.â They hope theyâre not jumping to making awfully wrong conclusions. Itâs just something Robynâs own words make them think. âBut, what is it that you do here when the games are over? I can make a couple of guesses, but Iâd rather hear it from you.â
ncllysngeâ:
Nelly nods in consideration, then takes a seat back down beside Cinna. âWeâll figure something out. I canât have the night end without my photograph now that youâve planted the seed.â She grins, looking over to them.Â
âGuess this means weâre just sitting ducks.â Laughing, she pats her lap and watches the dancing group yet again. âAt least weâre good looking sitting ducks.â
...
âAh.â Cinna shakes their head, not paying much attention to Nellyâs compliment. Theyâve never thought of themselves as the good looking type, not even during special occasions when they get to play dress up. âYouâre the one looking stunning, Iâm just here for the food.â
With nothing else left to do, Cinna leans back on their seat and catches the end of the dance. They canât remember the last time they felt so at peace. Itâs an odd thing to say since theyâre still surrounded by Snowâs aides and supporters. But, Nelly and the rest of Twelve offer a comforting presence that allows Cinna to relax and let their guard down.
FIN
hcrdcreeksâ:
âItâs a lot.â Is all he can manage at first. Because it is. Sure, the seeds were planted after Tealâs victory. These arenât new thoughts, but in recent weeks, theyâve been kicked into high gear and itâs overwhelming, the life-altering realizations heâs having, and the outright horror thatâs surrounding them.
Fresh air doesnât sound too bad. Or mainly, just getting away from everything in front of them. Slate rubs his jaw, then nods at the proposition. âI could probably do with some fresh air, yes.â She slowly gets up from his seat, hoping to get away form all the clatter. Both around him, and in his head.
...
âGreat.â Cinna knows whatever they will mention next is better said outside where not many people will be able to listen. Even if theyâre being tactful given who theyâre talking to, they still might end up saying something that would surely make more conservative people uncomfortable.
They grab a water bottle from a table nearby and began walking towards the gardens, not stopping to even glance at Slate or make it appear like theyâre both heading towards the same place. Cinna finds a place secluded enough for them to chat and they take a seat. âA penny for your thoughts?â