[cirelouise]

Down there I’m not breathing but I’m living…

[cirelouise]

It’s been a while, Tumblr. I don’t know how to use you anymore. Is my avatar blurry?

[abaputaena]

I didn’t ask to be overwhelmed with anxiety on a Sunday night, but here we fucking go

[cirelouise]

last post before i go on hiatus

[misskhae]

lowkey wants for facebook & instagram to be down forevs lol but i don't want more ppl to discover tumblr as well hahaha

[pinkclearglasses]

i don’t see myself trusting anyone like that again. no matter how good their intentions are. and no matter how pure they could be. every time someone says they love me, i can only see them hurting me next. you broke me this way.

[taylorswift]

a marvelous time 🥲

[imamdrake-deactivated20180503]

there she goes again being over dramatic and by she i mean me

[cirelouise]

as time goes by the bag gets heavier and the trek gets longer—

[cirelouise]

summary of my lake bensis adventure

[cirelouise]

This is gon be my first post for 2021. I don’t even know how to start this so let me just tell you a glimpse of what I’ve been doing lately.

Oh before that, can we first appreciate my love for the Tumblr app? I’m here since 2011, omg. I know, I know.

I don’t regularly post here ever since I had my Twitter account y’know, daily rants, daily tweets. But man, I don’t have the guts to delete this app.

Anyway, how are you? I hope y’all are doing good! If you’re going through something, we all are. So close your eyes, pause, and breathe. Everything’s gon be okay soon.

Me? I’m taking my time to reflect on what has been happening lately. Trying to understand my different emotions and abrupt actions.

I’m not far different from you or anyone else. We’re all the same persons trying to survive life. I am as confused as you when it comes to understanding why things happen. And, I do question the universe too if my parallel self doing good?

If I’m to compare how emotionally and mentally stable I am today, it’s way better than the past few years. I’ve learned to managed my depression. Gone are the days I battled with my suicidal thoughts because I thought it was an option. It never was and will never be. Gone are the days I’ll cry myself to sleep and feel worthless. I’ve learned to love myself more than ever.

I still get nightmares sometimes tho. But maybe that’s when I think too much of something I’m no control of. Or, when I get too angry or sad over a situation I’m not supposed to overthink.

Physically, not so fit. I’m low of blood, and underweight. My weight has been a problem since day 1 thus I managed to control my blood pressure before. Bad habits will kill me.

January passed by real quick, I don’t remember much detail aside from being promoted to the escalations team. The only promotion I didn’t appreciate at first. Welp, Supervisor role isn’t a bad thing after all.

February was fun. I celebrated my anniversary together with my boo on valentine’s day. I got quarantined for 14 days after so I had enough time to watch Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit.

This month is full of adventures. Went to Lake Bensis and finally broke my hiatus in Wordpress. Yes, I started blogging my travels again. Last weekend, we camped in Mt. Kan-irag and I’m gon write a blog abt it too.

My life sounds perfect bc I only talked abt the positive things which I should only focus at. But it’s just a coverup for the ugly things my life has.

I’ve been dealing with disrespectful relatives, too. Trying to balance my anger and relationship with them to avoid gaslighting our cold wars. It’s pretty obvious that they stopped liking my boyfriend. We can’t please everyone but it’s crazy how their treatment changed suddenly.

I am so pressured with PWC. I never liked the idea of joining bc (1) I have a very limited knowledge about the real photography (2) I just started taking photos using a digital camera (3) I only said yes bc I was asked twice.

Now, it gets real. The themes were rolled out. Deadline is coming. And I don’t feel any support at all from the ppl who encouraged me to join. I somehow think it’s my fault bc I said yes, but I want to backout. Don’t get me wrong. I’m willing to learn but from who? Who’s willing to teach me? No one.

I’m supposed to be working right now but I’m sure my mind is gonna be flying somewhere and I won’t be able to concentrate so I didn’t login.

Oh, I think I wrote enough already for a three months worth update. My TA is open for y’all.

xoxo

[cirelouise]

When things are hard, I long for a mother’s love, hug and care. But the universe seems to be selfish on that part bc that’s the only thing he would never give me...

[cirelouise]

Teaser

Our very first wedding event photoshoot and it happened earlier than we expected. Not a slightest idea that we’ll be having this opportunity before 2020 ends. We dreamed of accepting bookings for wedding events prolly next year when the pandemic lay lowed but look, one of the best plot twist ever!

[cirelouise]

“So go ahead and drive me insane. Baby, run your mouth, I still wouldn't change being stuck with you” — (Stuck With You, 2020)

[pinkclearglasses]

how in the damn fuck i got into harry potter

always planned on watching the movies in chronological order, with feelings, and good intent but managed to not do that in the course of my childhood because i was apparently too busy with the jonas brothers and my small emotional heart could only handle one thing at a time

i have this really weird habit that when things are too vast and overwhelming for me that i know if i got into i’d be SO into it i’d have a hard time coming out, i take my time

anyway, i got into it FINALLY 

it started out REALLY slow. the first emotion was “overwhelmed.” kinda like how i was during hamilton. 

and then…..i found tom felton’s tiktoks. 

OH BUT IT DIDN’T EVEN START THERE

IT STARTED WHEN I FOUND HIS TIKTOK OF HIM SINGING A HAMILTON SONG 

AND FOUND OUT HE WAS HAMILTRASH

GOD. MY INSIDES CHURNED LIKE A BITCH, I TELL YOU

it feels nice being a part of a fandom that is as active as it was when it started. there’s always something to look forward to. 

the first character i really liked was luna. i resonated with her the most. 

and then i thought about fred and george more and found that i resonated with them the most 

took the pottermore sorting hat quiz and found out i’m a hufflepuff. which is no surprise to most people

my patronus is a long dog. i forgot what it’s called. but i laughed out loud and said “LONG DOG” 

my crush on draco malfoy isn’t actually real. my real crush is on tom felton because he’s a fucking softie who loves dogs and just radiates love and happiness. it’s contagious.

watched a bunch of instagram live videos of tom felton. had me pick up the guitar again everyday. got my callous fingertips back from the dead. 

IM COLLECTING HARRY POTTER MERCH AND I HAVEN’T COLLECTED MERCH IN ALMOST 10 YEARS 

i’m planning on collecting the wands, too. my first wand is luna’s wand. 

i probably like luna because i know she’d have the best taste in fashion out of everyone 

out of the golden trio, i resonate with ron.

jason isaacs and tom felton are my favorite duo. they’re so cute. all they do is talk. 

i own a hufflepuff sweatervest, hufflepuff scarf and neck tie. but i also have a slytherin neck tie, sweater, and robe. i plan on having all 4 house robes 

my taurus ass loving this whole collecting merch thing 

my taurus ass loving being so into something and not getting bored everyday 

dracotok is my shit 

reading the books currently!! started last week! i think 

i really miss being into something like this. it feels so nice :( 

downloaded carousell again to look for harry potter merch im sorry

please talk to me about harry potter if any of u want to. I WOULD GLADLY LISTEN TO YOU AND CONVERSE WITH YOU GODDAMN

[cirelouise]

Pag ako yumaman!

11/13/2015

Late out kase may huddle plus traffic so mga around 3 nko nakauwe. Dumaan ako sa JoBee para kumaen, sobrang nkakagutom men. Kaso pag tingin ko sa menu, as usual chicken joy, spaghetti, burger stake, kaumay nmn. So nag decide nlng ako mag large fries, large burger, large coke and sundae (ako na parang construction worker kumaen) lol. 

While eating, nkita ko yung cup ng sundae “Share your Joy” tas may Christmas churva designs. Naisip ko agad yung mga lola na nagtitinda ng kadila sa may gilid ng simbahan na lage kong dinadaanan. Kada payday, nagbibigay ako ng food sa knila, kaso dko payday ngayon, wla kong budget. T_T

So yung kakainin ko, pinabalot ko nlng. Pwede nmn ako kumaen sa bahay eh, besides, hindi lng ako yung gutom sa mundo, 1 ride away lng nmn ako, kayang tiisin. 5 minutes lng pwede ulet ako kumaen. So ayun, tinawag ko yung waiter tas pinatake out ko nalang yung order ko. 

Paglabas ko ng JoBee, nkita ko na cla, malapit lng kase yung simbahan mga 15 steps away. Tas yung fries, nauna ko binigay sa isang lola, nagulat siya pag abot ko tas kinuha agad sabay sabi “thank you dai”. Yung heart ko parang nalulusaw, ang priceless nung ngiti ni lola, tas ayoko kse makita niya yung mukha ko, titatago ko sa buhok ko para kong multo hahaa. Tas ayun dun sa ibang lola, inabot ko nmn yung iba kong dala. Yung isa maldita nga eh, pagkakuha snob nko hahaha. Cute.

Pagkaabot ko umalis nko agad. Ayoko kase marecognize nila ako. Kunyare mysterious hahaa. Ninja moves. Pasakay na sana ko kaso sinulyapan ko ulet cla. Yung mga mata nilang mapupungay, yung mga kamay niang pagod na kakaalok ng kandila, yung mga buhok nilang puti at balat nilang kulubot na dala nga katandaan, lahat yun worth it titigan. Kahit parang dinudurog yung heart ko everytime dadaan ako dun, masaya ko na kahit maliit na bagay, napapasaya ko sila.

Pag ako yumaman, magtatayo ako ng resto na kakainan nila everyday para di cla nagugutom. Magtatayo ako ng isang malaking bahay na titirhan nila para di sila natutulog dun (yes ndadaanan ko cla 2am before ng shift ko) pag ako yumaman, lahat ng lola na makikita ko, aampunin ko! Peksman.

[cirelouise]

This post broke my heart more than my exes did. Too much realizations for today. Where did my selfless soul go?

[cirelouise]

Before vs Now

Before: Each payday (no matter how small I get) I’ll drop myself to Jollibee Mandaue, buy fries and burgers and give them to those lolas selling candles in St. Joseph Chruch. But before I reach Jollibee, there is also this lola with her apo who always sit infront of Rural Bank begging ppl for money, and I always get them large siopao and C2 from that stall in front of Gaisano Mandaue, and this PWD guy near Jollibee. I used to pay attention to these ppl surviving. I used to appreciate what I have and share them to ppl who needs them most. One time, Leng (my bff) and I were eating in a samgyeop resto in Country Mall Banilad, there were two kids looking through the glass door outside. I can’t bear eating knowing that there are ppl who wished they can eat, too. But the mgt won’t let them in so I went outside and took them to the nearest Pizza Hut and got them boxes of pizzas.

Now: I don’t remember myself looking outside anymore and pay attention to ppl. It’s always about me, about myself. I always rant about my pay, and never appreciate what I receive. I forgot sharing and I became too selfish. How did I grow apart from my old self who used to think about other ppl before herself? I don’t know. It’s already November, 2020 is gonna end soon and I did nothing this year but be the unappreciative person who always complain about almost everything. I had so much sleep today and I woke up with this realization. God, I feel so bad.