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depressedgirl83

This is exactly what made me feel sad today.

I realized my best friend and I are not talking / seeing other like we used to. I used to know everything about her and she used to know everything about me. We used to spend all our time together. I used to go at her house every weekend. She used to come to my house every day. We used to call each other during hours. Whenever I had something to say, I knew I could tell her. I knew I could count on her, day and night.

But now, she’s never available to see me. Now, whenever I call her, she never answers. Now, whenever I text her, it always seems like she’s busy. She’s barely replying to me. She basically just answers “yes” , “no”, “ok” , “idk”, or “nothing new”, while I’m trying so hard to make a conversation. I swear, I’m really trying to preserve our friendship but she is not.

I remember the time i didn’t need to do that. We didn’t need to make effort. We didn’t need to “try”. We were just friends. We didn’t need that shit.

But today, I learnt she was engaged with her boyfriend for MONTHS. Months and she hasn’t told me anything! And she wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t texted her and asked her multiple questions…

I used to be her best friend. Her best friend. Our friendship meant so much to me and now it’s just fading away and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. It’s already happening. We used to share everything in this world. We used to be like sisters. And it changed. And it made me feel so sad.

And it made me feel so lonely.

depressedgirl83

Sometimes I feel so insecure as shit and I think about myself and these words are coming into my mind : “fat”, “ugly”, “small piece of shit”, “worthless”, “unattractive” etc. They just appear in my mind and all I want at that very moment is to write them down on my arms or my legs. And I think about how bad I want to take my razor blades and just do it. Just to let the pain go away. Just to make these words disappear from my mind. Just to be able to fucking sleep without feeling this way.

But then I remember those words are already on my arms and/or legs. I remember I’ve already done that to myself.

And I realise I still want to do it again.

And I think that’s what hurts the most.

depressedgirl83

Some day, I wish life could just pause for a while

Some days, I just want life to stop.

I don’t necessarily want to die. But I wish I could hit pause and be left alone for a while. But if I do this in real life, if I isolate myself for a while, life just keeps going. You still have to do stuff, to answer people, to live up to some stupid expectations. Life doesn’t wait. And then I feel guilty for wasting my time, for not doing anything. I don’t even enjoy taking a nap.

I just want to be in peace. Without all the trouble, the people, the expectation, the noises, the lights, and all the shit in life. Just pause everything and sleep. Stop thinking about anything. Stop feeling anything. Pure emptiness. But not the bad heavy devastating one. The sweet pure relaxing emptiness.