My depressing thoughts x_x @depressedgirl83 - Tumblr Blog

It’s been such a while since I posted here and every time it’s getting harder to come back. Every time I try to do better and every time I fail. I don’t know how to survive in this world, without being the failure than I am. Maybe I shouldn’t. Survive. At. All.

FUCK ME. I CAN’T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT THESE DAYS. EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY SOMETHING IS JUST A REMEMBER OF THE FUCKING WASTE THAT I AM TO THIS UNIVERSE. I SHOULD JUST BE DONE. I WISH I COULD BE FUCKING DONE!!!! I’M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING FUCKING USELESS!!!! I’M FUCKING TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SINGLE THING ON MY OWN WITHOUT FEELING LIKE SHIT!!!

Some day, I wish life could just pause for a while

Some days, I just want life to stop.

I don’t necessarily want to die. But I wish I could hit pause and be left alone for a while. But if I do this in real life, if I isolate myself for a while, life just keeps going. You still have to do stuff, to answer people, to live up to some stupid expectations. Life doesn’t wait. And then I feel guilty for wasting my time, for not doing anything. I don’t even enjoy taking a nap.

I just want to be in peace. Without all the trouble, the people, the expectation, the noises, the lights, and all the shit in life. Just pause everything and sleep. Stop thinking about anything. Stop feeling anything. Pure emptiness. But not the bad heavy devastating one. The sweet pure relaxing emptiness.

Sometimes I feel so insecure as shit and I think about myself and these words are coming into my mind : “fat”, “ugly”, “small piece of shit”, “worthless”, “unattractive” etc. They just appear in my mind and all I want at that very moment is to write them down on my arms or my legs. And I think about how bad I want to take my razor blades and just do it. Just to let the pain go away. Just to make these words disappear from my mind. Just to be able to fucking sleep without feeling this way.

But then I remember those words are already on my arms and/or legs. I remember I’ve already done that to myself.

And I realise I still want to do it again.

And I think that’s what hurts the most.

“Oh please, don’t ask me how I’ve been. Don’t make me play pretend. Oh no, oh what’s the use? Oh please I bet everybody here is fake happy too”.

People trying to “cure” people who have depression and why is it disrespectful and annoying:

People who eventually learn about your depression are all THE SAME, it’s so fucking frustrating. They’ll try to cheer you up, make you feel better, and in a way, it’s really good. It’s nice to have people you know you can count on to make you feel less shitty in your everyday life. It’s great to know you can talk to someone about your problems, someone who’ll care, who’ll try to understand.

BUT, there’s something really important people don’t seem to understand : DEPRESSION IS A MENTAL ILLNESS THAT CANNOT BE FIXED.

IT. HAS. NO. FUCKING. CURE.

That’s the whole point. It’s a disease. I. Am. Sick. I’m not just “tired” or “sad”. There are no easy solutions. Actually, there’s something wrong with my brain. With my biology. With my molecules or something. With things that no one can really modify or fix. It’s inside my MIND. How could anyone do anything about it? It’s not like people could literally go inside my mind and fix the broken parts, like they usually do with physical injuries.

Alright, people? Is that clear?

So no need to come and try to fix me, to cure me, or to give me stupid advices like “just go talk to a therapist” or “take some medication” or even “try to be a little happier” like if there was an easy answer to fix the problem.

I’m like “no!!!!!”

First of all, these people don’t know ANYTHING about my mental health, about my personal situation, about my story and about how I’m handling things (or not). They don’t know anything and they just assume. And you know, it’s always really irritating to hear people talk to you about YOUR disease like if they knew it better than you do. I’m like “yeah, you’ve known I’m sick since like two minutes but sure, you probably know my illness better than me - who, btw, have been living it for the past TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.”

Then, even if they do know a lot about mental illness, or about me, it’s NOT their job to fix me or cure me! It’s not their responsibility. I feel like most of people are just helping me because of moral duty, you know? Like they want to be good people, heros, social justice warriors. They want to feel good about themselves. And in the end, they’re not happy because I’m supposedly “better” but because they THINK they cured me, they think they did a good action.

WHY CAN’T PEOPLE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM SICK AND THAT THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT???

I’m not even asking them to cure me or to do anything in order to make me feel better, cause I know it’s very complicated, if not impossible! I’m just asking them to be there for me, to care, to talk to me... But instead, they just want to fix you like you’ve just got a broken leg or something! UGH. So annoying.

RESPECT MY GODDAMN DISEASE AND STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

“They’re happy because that means that they cured me, right?”

“Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?”

“It would so fine to see your face at my door”

“If I could only work this life out my way, I’d rather spend it being close to you”

This is exactly what made me feel sad today.

I realized my best friend and I are not talking / seeing other like we used to. I used to know everything about her and she used to know everything about me. We used to spend all our time together. I used to go at her house every weekend. She used to come to my house every day. We used to call each other during hours. Whenever I had something to say, I knew I could tell her. I knew I could count on her, day and night.

But now, she's never available to see me. Now, whenever I call her, she never answers. Now, whenever I text her, it always seems like she’s busy. She’s barely replying to me. She basically just answers “yes” , “no”, “ok” , “idk”, or “nothing new”, while I’m trying so hard to make a conversation. I swear, I’m really trying to preserve our friendship but she is not.

I remember the time i didn’t need to do that. We didn’t need to make effort. We didn’t need to “try”. We were just friends. We didn’t need that shit.

But today, I learnt she was engaged with her boyfriend for MONTHS. Months and she hasn’t told me anything! And she wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t texted her and asked her multiple questions...

I used to be her best friend. Her best friend. Our friendship meant so much to me and now it’s just fading away and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. It’s already happening. We used to share everything in this world. We used to be like sisters. And it changed. And it made me feel so sad.

And it made me feel so lonely.

She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.

Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

Sadness vs depression

Today I felt sadness again. I know what you might be thinking : “but you’re depressed! You have a blog about depression. Sadness isn’t new for you”. Well, it is. Sadness is not something I experiment a lot, in my everyday life.

It’s been a long time since I felt sad, and I mean sad in the literal way. It wasn’t like the usual stuff. It didn’t feel like my depression. It didn’t feel like when I’m having my crisis. I didn’t feel like me being depressed.

It felt totally different.

You see, my depression is very violent. When it happens, when it suddenly hits me, it hurts so much that I can’t even breathe anymore. I feel anxious, panicked, broken, hurt. But not sad. Not usually. Mostly, I panic, I cry, I scream, I hit my walls, I break stuff, I run if I can... And then, when the crisis is over, I feel this horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, and emptiness growing inside of me, eating me up, stopping me from doing anything.

But I don’t feel sad. My depression is more about PAIN. But not necessarily sadness. And I haven’t feel sad for a really long time... To be completely honest with you guys, I almost forgot how it felt. When it happened to me today, I was confused and kinda lost for a while. I was like “what is this feeling? This is not how it usually feels like.”

I understood, later, it was just basic sadness.

Why I was feeling sad today is not important or relevant. The reason doesn’t matter. My point is : sadness is really hard to feel too; and it has nothing to do with depression. I knew that already but today I’ve lived it.

I almost forgot about it but sadness is really difficult to handle too. We often forget what it’s like to feel sad. Just sad, not depressed. Sadness is this feeling you have in your guts that makes you believe you will never be happy again. Like, it takes all your joy away and leaves you just like that. It feels like you will never be able to smile or laugh again. It’s really weird, cause you don’t really want to cry or anything. It’s like you’re shut down. You don’t want to do anything but listen to sad songs and think about whatever it is that makes you sad. It’s like a whole new state you’re into.

Sadness is pretty damaging too. To me, depression is worse, of course. But when you haven’t felt sad for a very long time and it hits you again, it’s really hard. You’re like “oh yeah, I remember it now, it sucks too!”

Anyway, what I learnt from this experience is that : once again, sadness and depression are not the same thing. You can feel sad, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. And depression doesn’t always come with sadness.

“Are we wasting time, talking on a broken line?”

“I feel like we’re as close as stranger”

This song describes very well a romantic relationship wich is fading away. It can also refer to a friendship (or any other kind of relationship) which is falling apart. The chorus reminded me and my mom, these last few days.

Me and my mom

It's weird. Today is Mother's Day and it just makes me realize how I have zero connection with my own mother, how I have lost my relationship with her because of my depression... And it hurt me pretty bad, to be honest. Like I love her and I will always love her. She's my life. I would do anything for her. But she has no idea how I am, how I truly am. She has no clue what's going on my crazy mind or on my troubled heart. She doesn't know anything. And most of the time, she just makes me feel even worse by saying mean things she probably doesn't think. There are just so many things she ignores and doesn't see... Things she should have seen. Things she should have noticed. Things she should have said to me. When I look at her, I see all the times she left me to cry in my room. All the times she didn't take me in her arms while I was about to cry. All the times she yelled at me and made me feel worthless. All the times she didn't trust me or betrayed me. All the times she joked about my physic or personality. All the times she said something wrong. All the times she ignored my call for help. All the times she didn't understand me. All the times she looked at me without really seeing me. I know I can't blame her. We're all like that. We all ignore people we love. Because we have our own business to take care of. But I can't just pretend it's not how things are, now. I can't talk to her. I can't have a real relationship with her. When I talk to her, it feels... Fake. It's not like talking to a stranger. It's worse. Because when you talk to a stranger you have no story with this person, so it's okay if he doesn't react correctly. But I have a story with my mom and right now... I can't even look at her. After all she did, I just can't. I don't know, I just feel so far away from her. Like there is this distance and whatever I do, it's never gonna be enough to erase it. And bloody hell, that hurt so much! Something is just broken between us... I don't know if it can be fixed. Loosing her is the most horrible feeling ever.

The show is 13 reasons why. Good serie but really hard to watch. It fucked me up when I watched it.

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My depressing thoughts x_x